im back I think- but reality is a tough pill to swallow

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 21 - 2AM

Anonymous (not verified)

im back I think- but reality is a tough pill to swallow

Im going to give this board another try... i think I need some serious support.

I feel like I need to run- yet cant seem to let the N go...

tonite- he revealed what I believe to be his inner thinking..( my head is still spinning) .
he claims he is not obsessed with me any longer... that is why he no longer misses me (wth)

- he has a lot of internal conflict about many things
- he isnt obsessed with anything right now and that is very good for him... healthier.

the kicker is he told me I need to find my prince-(this was in response to me saying if I didnt miss him all would be ok) (as if to say time to move on) yet moments before he appeared sad that I said i was done.

I dont know what to make of this... if it is some sort of game... or if he is really seriously just too disordered.

he also said he can become obsessed again at any moment and will need me to redirect him again.

I'm still going thru some health stuff... and tonite he helped me with somethings... but I overdid it.. and now I have the emotional stuff added to it.

he said that he has failed me and feels like a failure all he wanted to do was make me happy ( i dont know what to believe)

how can someone go from being obsessed to not...that does not make much sense to me.
he will be out of town for awhile... last time he went out of town I got many calls... doubtful that will happen this time though as his focus is no longer on me.
I guess part of me is still searching for answers...maybe even trying to fix him....
I think I need to just not talk to him for awhile again..or not at all ever... I'm just so mad at myself for falling for it again...i guess part of me just wants things to be the way they were before(and he really dislikes me saying this as he feels that means I want him to go back to being sick and obsessing)

I dont know if all of this can be acting....he seemed really sincere and upset...and he kept saying all he wants is to be good for me... to make a difference in my life. but yet why do I feel so anxious. it just sucks.
Im just not sure what to make of tonite at all.... in some ways things with us are more normal... or the way they should have been all along.
I feel like I am just at a complete loss...with everything... I have read about N's he doesnt quite sound like one...and he seems more normal now... for instance... we dont get into long email fights...or anything like that...it is as if he just does not care...

anyone have any thoughts- I have blocked his home number on my phone... it is a step I guess.

#2 Aug 21 - 11AM

Used

DESTINY

HE COULD BECOME OBSESSED AGAIN AT ANY MOMENT ,HE SAID THAT TO KEEP YOU HOPING AND DANGLING....WHERE THE FUCK DO THESE ARSEHOLES GET THE GIVEN RIGHT TO COME OUT WITH THIS CRAP...IME NOT OBSESSED WITH YOU ANYMORE, BUT COULD BE AT ANY MOMENT....HE MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM....THIS IS WHAT MYEXHN AND EXN KEPT TELLING ME...ITHEY ARE OBSESSED WITH ME, THEY ARE ADDICTED TO ME, I AM A HABIT....YADA YADA YADA....IF THEY DIDNT ALL COME OUT WITH THE SAME CRAP IT MIGHT BE BELIEVEABLE ......BUT IT IS ALL BULLSHIT ,TO KEEP YOU ON HOLD AND I AM SO GLAD I AM 22MNTHS NC WITH BOTH OF THEM...

#3 Aug 21 - 10AM

58 and going strong

Destiny, I am so much feeling

Destiny, I am so much feeling with you. It is more than tough to acknowledge that the one you love is INCURABLE, sick in his soul beyond repair or cure, no matter what we do or don't do. He is not supporting or helping you, he is 'grooming' you for more supply. And deep inside I believe you know the answer you've been searching for for 2 years now: NC is the only way out. And that means NO CONTACT AT ALL, be it phone, e-mail, personal. As he is leaving town, this is a great chance for you to focus on your own life now - the only one you can change. My best wishes for your journey on!

#4 Aug 21 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

destiny (not verified)

58

thanks- it wasnt two years with this one. you are right he isnt supporting or helping me....he was doing it for himself so that I would give him positive feedback (he admits to this, that he needs that from me) he is very in touch with how he behaves...it really is the inside scoop to a PD's mind. Unlike the other N i was with... this one is much different. very open if you let him speak... he will tell you what he is. if he was supporting or helping me he wouldnt be putting me thru all of this and wouldnt have admited i was his obsession and now I am not...and the key is he no longer misses me...he admitted to this as he has other things occupying his time. sick. and sad all the same. yes, I agree the perfect time to go NC is this week.... I wish i could block his cell phone...

#5 Aug 21 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

58 and going strong

Destiny, you can always not

Destiny, you can always not answer or, if you don't have caller ID, you can just hang up. You will be surprised how good that feels!

#6 Aug 21 - 8AM

onwithmylife

Destiny

I notice you have been a member for a long like me. I want to tell you what my narc said some years ago, before he devalued and dumped me, he said"you need to find someone else and I need to live by myself"You need to really read between the lines and listen to their messages, Have you read all you can about NPD, they will send you all sorts of mixed messages and keep you dangling fro the rest of your life, IF you let them.Also you will never, and I mean never, be able to fix them, how about some therapy for you to help you sort things out with a good competent therapist who understands NPD.If this was a health relationship, you would never feel anxious, i felt that way ALL the time and told my therapist that very word.

#7 Aug 21 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

destiny (not verified)

onwithmylife

thanks - I was here a few years ago going thru a very painful relationship with a Narc of the worst kind... I went to therapy thought I was OK again...it took a very very long time to heal...but I did... and thought this never would happen again to me. Now ths other man comes on the scene...and I never thought he would do this to me... I mean i knew something wasnt quite right...but never thought I would go from meaning so much to him...to meaning so little.... and now it is explained as I was his obsession. How pathetic. he claims it will only end because of us... but I get the msgs that I will be axed- and his actions tell me this too... yea he might be helping me out more- but then like someone said it is good and then he stabs me in the back. there is no comfort in him anymore. therapy might be a good option- once my health improves I will see where I am at with all of this and see.....

#8 Aug 21 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Destiny

All this babble coming out of the guys mouth, this is not normal, that is the key ingredient into this insight that we all need, if it was normal conversation, with a normal man, and I use that term very loosely, you would not have thoughts like you expressed, sure there are arguments, disagreements, and ups and downs as in any normal relationship, you would be in the trenches together to work all this out, as i had with my e-xhusband. With these men it doesn't happen that way, for me I always felt it was him versus me, that is not right... good luck to you

#9 Aug 21 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

destiny (not verified)

i feel that too it is me vs

i feel that too it is me vs him.... i have to beat him to hurting me first.... happened last nite... it sux feeling like this every morning after an encounter with him... knowing full well... i wont hear from him.... I think before he was so afraid to loose me and now he feels I wont go anywhere.... he even had the nerve to imply he takes me for granted you are right it is all just babble and it changes from day to day...i caught him in a few lies...or just making up stuff really. he claims he just wants me to be happy. but i dont believe that. it sucks when I know he has no care if or when we talk again...that is what hurts the most. oh and now he says... things like one could say I should have been home taking care of me (meaning he shouldnt have been helping me out) just strange to hear things like that. before things just flowed so nicely...none of this stupid stuff..and wasted time talking about nothing. ugh this sucks. me wanting things to just go back to normal... simple. guess is should start looking for my prince like he suggested...pathetic

#10 Aug 21 - 7AM

agnesmurphy17

Why?

Check out the other post here called: "10 Beliefs that can get you stuck." Explains everything. Your man suffers from a PERSONALITY DISORDER. That means, he is NOT consistent in what he says & does. You hear & believe that which you want--thinking this is the true man; & hope all the bad stuff & the abuse is an aberation. Well, this man is a combination of Dr. J & Mr. H. But abuse escalates & escalates, it never decreases. Mr. H will become the major persona over time. So, if you love this man & want him . . . then you must accept him for the package deal. There is nothing to understand. He is moody, hurtful & inconsistent. And funny, kind & helpful. He will help you with one hand while the other is stabbing you in the back. It makes no sense. But it is what it is because he is what he is -- a person whose personality is disordered on some level. He cannot be fixed, he will never change. Only you can change. Either accept him for what he is & hang in there. Or, change yourself. Move on. Dump him. Never look back. Take control of your life. Who needs for him to go away & not call you? You decide that you have gone away in your mind & you do not want to speak to him any more. It's over.

#11 Aug 21 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

destiny (not verified)

thank you everyone- I didnt

thank you everyone- I didnt get all that much sleep... and stupidly why on earth do I check my email and still see if he emailed...when I know that he wont. Last nite he was very helpful things were OK...then he went to leave and somehow he brought up this topic... that I posted about...when he supposedly had to leave...but yet stayed to talk about nonsense. Like he said last nite the good is really good... but I know he thrives on us fighting although he claims he doesnt.... I told him this last nite that there is something in him that likes the conflict. He claims his whole life is a conflict. agnes- you are right- I either just accept that this is who he is..as sad as that is... because it is not what he used to be....(it is sad when he is asking me ' do you need me to check in with you everyday' . or walk away completely....Im pretty worn out after last nite both physcially because my health is not that great...and mentally more so.... I think he only helped me last nite because he needed approval and was feeling rather low. he has touched on this a few times. i also think he thrives now on the fact that I want him more... when before I really could have cared less and he didnt like that fact... so now he has me just where he wants me.... this is tough...ugh. thanks everyone for your supportive words.

#12 Aug 21 - 7AM

Sparrow

welcome back

welcome back Destiny.........I am sorry that you had to experience this whole scenario with your narc. They are a piece of work aren't they? Mine did the same to me way back when (narc #2) and I stood there dumbfounded on the other end of the phone...........I was just getting ready to move into my new place, everything was wonderful and out of the blue, he tells me "I think you should find someone new to love in your new condo" What? What the hell did that mean? Why was he saying this? Why was he doing this? He sent me literally into a tailspin. I started asking myself the exact quest]ions you are asking yourself. is this a game? Is he testing me? What is happening? I of course look back on all that now and know exactly what he was doing...............Plain and simple, he was sucking the joy out of the one thing that I was enthusiastic about, that I was happy about. And for that I despise him. He couldn't have me happy, strong, independent, so he had to take the measures that he did to ruin things for me, to make me unhappy in order to desperately want him more. It was a terrible time for me and I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Now, I think back on that time and shake my head at myself. How I allowed someone to hold the key to my happiness is beyond me. I handed the key over to him completely and he attempted to destroy me. He almost did........ Move on from this character. Don't let him twist his words, make you questions him, you, your relationship. A normal man, a loving man would never do something like that to you. A loving, comitted, normal man would not do the things that narcs do to deliberately make you unhappy. Cut your losses now and move on, trust me, you will find yourself in a much happier place with yourself. Who needs all of this anxiety, stress and self doubt in their lives? I would rather be alone then ever be in the company of a narc again. Good luck in your journey Destiny. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for. They are right in front of you actually but sometimes they are just hard to see.

#13 Aug 21 - 4AM

Scoop

"i dont know if he is acting

"i dont know if he is acting , he seems really sincere " .. Untill you look up his face book page and find out he went out that night and had a party ! thats the trouble with a narc they have an unatural ability to act their socks off , they have had a life time of perfecting their craft . Im so sorry you got hovered , i was hovered for a few months and it hurts like hell when you realize he is a narc and he wont change . The brainwashing and crazy double speak ratteling around youre brain will go in a while . Keep NC , you know the drill , and welcome back to the board sweet heart , we will get you through this , thats what we are here for .. big love Scoop x

#14 Aug 21 - 3AM

blindfaith

destiny

Hi Destiny! Welcome back. I could be wrong,but I think he is playing a game. And he talks exactly like mine.My ex was always making speeches about how he wanted to be more "healthy" and fix himself...and he was paranoid of needing me too much. He mentioned to me many times that he didnt want a co-dependant relationship.He seemed to start talking about that whenever it felt like we were getting close,or things were going smooth. I was always trying to analize him and match up things he said,trying to make sense of things....thats one of the reasons I was constantly stressed out.The part that stood out to me was when you quoted his words saying that he could become obsessed again at any time and that you might have to re-direct him...Mine used to talk in this wierd way and it made me furious because my gut always told me at those times that he was lying and playing some kind of game. Looking back on the relationship from start to finish, i see things i couldnt see while i was still in it. I cant say your bf is the same as mine,but i know with mine, he was very dishonest and always had to give wierd answers for things because he knew the truth would be unacceptable. If mine was to say the truth, it would be that he doesnt love me,but doesnt want to close the door on me all the way incase he doesnt get his needs met (whatever they are) by others out there. Sorry, it just doesnt sound good. I hope things get better for you.

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