I'm back, I should have listened

About a year and a half ago, it will be 2 in March, my boyfriend of 6+ years, left me for another woman. My full story is shared in the "Share Our Story" section.

But the jist is that he left me for another woman we worked with after he had cheated on his dying wife with me, who he cheated with on his first wife.

After it first happened, I joined this forum and received an amazing amount of support and insight from woman who had gone through what I was going through. The trouble was, I had a hard time believing he was a narcissist. Even though my own therapist, my friends, family, they all saw it. Over the past year, he's told me he's seen 4 different therapists/psychiatrists and none of them said he was a narcissist. So it made me doubt myself and what everyone had told me on here...maybe I was just a scorned woman and he wasn't a narcissist, maybe I was just looking for a way to justify how hurt I was.

But his behavior continued to highlight that he was. He left me in February 2012, came back to me after a "break down" in May of 2012, we dated all summer, only for me to find out he was still seeing the other woman -- that was in August 2012, I took him back, helped him get a new job in a new state (we all previously worked at the same company), he moved in September 2012, and we dated again until January 2013. Until he said he couldn't do it, he couldn't get past all the hurt I had caused him. He swears to this date he didn't cheat --even though he said he loved this OW 2 days after we broke up -- and that I went on a mission to destroy his life. If you call posting something on the internet, and emailing his best friend/brother because I was worried about his children -- then I guess I did. But it was nothing in comparison to what he did to me.

Throughout 2013, he emailed, texted or called me almost every day. When we first broke up, he changed his cell phone because he was afraid to get a text from me saying I was with someone new. In May, after he had sent numerous emails saying he'd always love and didn't think he could ever love someone else like me, I found out he was on vacation with the OW he left me for -- the one who still lives and works in the same company/state I do. So I told her and she broke off from him again. And back he came -- this time he started calling, texting, etc. But he refused to go any further. I was even in the state he lived and asked to see him, and he refused -- he said it was too hard from him. But I let it continue until the end of September I heard through the grapevine at work that the OW was offering to take a severance package (we're going through layoffs at work) so she could move to live with her BF in another state. That same morning, he texted me and said he loved me. I came back with the response of what I had heard and he denied it. Then again, he had denied he was talking to her. But within 2 days, he refused to talk to me again. And just over a month ago, he sent me a final email saying he loves me and always will, misses his best friend and everything about me, but can't get over the past and what I did and is afraid of me. I haven't heard from him since. I foolishly tried to get him to respond to me, but he hasn't. My last email to him was that I didn't love him anymore. Silence since. I know they are away together this weekend -- I pieced enough together to find it out. And it kills me. The OW has talked about getting married to him to a friend of mine -- someone she didn't know was even my friend -- and I think it's only a matter of time until they do.

I wish I had taken the advice of this forum back when I first came on and did NC. But I wanted to believe he loved me and wanted me. He made it so convincing. Now, almost 2 years later, I'm finding myself learning to let go of him again. He's gone NC, not me, so I feel like the power is back in his court again. Even though my friends say it's the best thing. I am so frustrated that I can't get him out of my mind. Everytime I've started to go out and date again, he pops back in. And I let him. Seemingly when something has happened with her. He swears she has trust issues with him, concerns about his mental stability - he threatens to kill himself all the time -- his inability to get over the past and that he's still not over me. But she's still there with him. She treats him like his mother, bossing him around. And she looks like she's the good guy in this whole scenario, "rescuing" him after how much I hurt him. His children love her and hate me -- even though they used to love me. Everyone on his side thinks his mental instability is my fault. But everyone on my side says he uses me as an excuse so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions.

Either way, I'm back here because I'm struggling. I tell people I don't want him back -- and the rational part of me doesn't. He's cheated over and over, lied over and over, and is just not what I deserve. But in my heart, I keep hearing him say he will always love me and all the times we had together. I wish I had walked away for good the first time.

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