If you've ever wondered what would happen if you reached out and broke NC...

I'm not going to say I don't know what possessed me...what possessed me was I felt like it. I am not as distraught as I was, I can handle my feelings, I'm not depressed but there is residual shit and I don't feel like holding it in and yea, he caused it, so he's gonna get it that's it - but I do believe I am done...done...done...and I feel okay I am actually fine.

I don't recommend this for many - but for me it is an exercisein asserting myself. But I am done. I wanted to share...your comments are welcome, but really not looking for support or answers, I don't have questions...I think what this serves best is to answer or to demonstrate exactly what YOU would get if you were to break NC. I don't think it's worth it? For me, it was worth it only because I no longer really seek validation? I don't give a crap...but you can use my experience to peek into the window to see the anti-climax you would get if you're secretly holding out hope.

These guys are all the same and I can't stress enough, how important it is for you to move on.

Here goes:

This was the letter I sent:

In purging my computer of unecessry documents, I came across these and thought perhaps you might need them as I know that sometimes there is a limit on how far back you can go on old bills. And being an "addict" I know that when supply gets low, you can get really desperate.

I would hate for you to have permanatly lost contact with OW over me...in fact, I've seen pics of her...she's a fucking dog...LMAO - you need to check them out...ugly as shit and so now I feel really good about myself because I say to myself: What a stupid ass he is...fucks around on a College Educated, Intelligent, Beautiful, Talented woman like me with a common lowlife, bimbo that's not only stupid but UGLY??? It took seeing that picture to seal the deal for me...check her out on MYspace EX...a real fucking DAWG!...LOL

But I know, you couldn't handle me and so you need to step down so you can feel better about yourself. It's all clear now.

Even the shit with EX WIFE...yea, a white woman, yea a house...but you were never that calibre...it was all about "image" you couldn't hold on to it so none of what you presented was real - and that's okay too because you cannot put a price on the education I've gained.
*note ladies, the issue isn't race, but how somehow he seemed to feel it was which was why I threw this in...I happen to be mixed, a rainbow of everything...

And I look at you, then I look at me...and I say - "You know what Michele - you fucking came out AHEAD!" You did do me a favor - and I'm not empty either - I don't need a man...I'm not addicted, I wasn't crazy, none of that was true...it was your projections EX...I was supposed to live with Herpes, ex drug use, incessant chaos, problems and crisis - "BELIEVE" you had potential because of all the "slogans" you spewed which gave the impression of "enlightenment" believed that 18 years clean meant something - when in fact it doesn't. You're an addict cause you like it. Then I think about all the times you wanted to fuck without a condom and I let you...GOSH I was out of it...because someone who loves someone does not want to put them at risk...but hey...keep the point...at the rate you're going, in a few years, the joke might be "keep the tip!"...Hehehehe

18 years and never changed your circle...all dope fiends who can tout God, and powerlessness, and whatever the fuck else...preaching but not living it cause see, you can't manipulate GOD and make him a GOD of your understanding...The almighty of manipulation...I've concluded that the only God you could possibly worship is Satan and that perhaps all that fucking Santeria has finally had an evil spirit over take you. You are demonic and possessed and I pray for your deliverance...LMAO...of course, I am laughing as I type this because if I have you pegged, you think this is all because I'm still pining for you...

I'm just teasing you honey...you can think what you like, you can convince yourself whatever you like...because what you think - would only matter if I cared...but I'm feeling generous, so you can get high on this...

And when I think about all of it, it is a great source of entertainment, comedy, and is definately turning into a very fine piece of literature if I do say so myself. Of course, I can't mention you at all in it, there won't be any dedications as you might actually want some cut and it is of course all a "work of fiction and any characters that resemble anyone living is 'purely coincidental' my mentor even thinks it would make a great one woman act play - and I will humbly share - I'm making a number of connections. Of course I continue to moonlight on other entrepeneurial ideas and am considering the feasibility of such...perhaps I'm a little ticked cause I asked you a simple question about ambit energy and never got an answer but then again, maybe I didn't because the day you "allegedly" went to the meeting you probably were out fucking someone else...LOL!

But I look back and I really don't know if I should thank OW or you for all the success that is starting to enter my life I really do believe, none of it would be possible had this not happened and it has been such a catalyst for change, enlightenment, growth, and I just wish I could say I was sad that you coudln't share it with me...but I'm just not sad...I'm rather happy...I can see what the appeal is with being selfish...and how one could thrive on selfishness - I can really see it BUT for me, it will be temporary, as I know, that with my assets, I won't be alone for long - in fact, right now it's a CHOICE...and I'm rather enjoying it.

So thank you on so many fronts - because no, I'm not marriage material - I would never want to be under some punk ass's thumb...it would be too suffocating and oppressive...

AND...no I don't want to serve a fucking man...not you and not not anyone...

AND...I finally believe, I am the shit...and I AM!!!

And I would never have gotten there without the sickness you brought into my life...without the lies...without the betrayal, the deceit, the abuse, the manipulation, the psychological torture of constantly walking on eggshells, the passive aggression, the neglect!...Never would have known any better.

And more than that - I see how if I stayed, I would have become Your Mother - a glutton for punishment woman, who will never recognize her potential because she chose to be a doormat, masochist to an abuser - and is so brainwashed, she's lost her own sense of morality as she can only be worried about AIDS when the fear is attached to her son in Prison but when it comes to anyone else..."Fuck 'em"...what a woman EX...with folks like that I fear you never would have had a shot - you don't have my strength....so,

Thank you....because with all that I've learned, all the work I've done...I'm fucking scared of me!...and you can take that to the fucking bank like every other thing that has EVER come from my mouth.

SO - when you call OW, and you will because "supply" gets recycled which is why you rather liked supervised visitation, because it gave you a reason to be up in Pam's grill even though you "hated" it so much, and how from time to time, you still needed to talk to *yet another EX and how you just need to keep your old shit still stuck in a back pocket - and you probably thought I'd be part of the club?...I ain't those women, have too much going for me, ain't got no drug history, ain't ugly, and no - despite my physical challenges, ain't that fucking desperate! I know there's better out there...I've had it. Our relationship catered to my "maternal" instincts...I felt sorry for you. Next time I "pity" or want to "nurture" someTHING, I'll buy a puppy.

As per your bracelet, I'll drop it off as promised sometime in February, and will contact you ahead of time. AND yea, I have to wait until February so I can "borrow" a car to "impress" you because you are just so "worth the effort"....Pfffft! :P

Please note, just so I can make it clear...when I want a man, I make an effort...hair is done, make-up is on, shoes are to kill - You couldn't see what I was wearing it was dark but I'll share, I was in my fucking PJ's and threw jeans on...there was no makeup.

When it comes to me pining for you EX...understand - I no longer mourn...I despise. I know in your world love equals pain...BUT not in my world. I am just a firm believer in letting people know where I stand and where they stand...AND again, for all the years I STUFFED my feelings because you were emotionally unavailable? This is the result, and it is not LOVE...so don't get it twisted...Pain and love is only something a Junkie would get...I've never been one and will never be one. It's a shame you are one...but "I am powerless"...

And perhaps I also need to clarify...YOU AND I are a distant memory, and old chapter...who I thought you were...but what you did...very much a fresh wound...but now it fuels my disdain as opposed to my affection - that is the distinction...and as per your "victimhood" KISS MY ASS and choke on your own manipulation...

You did what you did because you are a WEAK man, and will forever need a "damsel in distress" to make you feel like one...and so, I could never be jealous of any woman you were with, because they would NEVER measure up to me...this is what brings me my greatest joy - and revenge...You're stuck with mediocrity...! I on the other hand, have a vast array of choices...

So then I get FIRST LETTER THROUGH THIS ENTIRE ORDEAL...
SIX MONTHS LATER....

Once again trying to reach out by ur request and not getting your answers on your timeline and reblocking my address obviously is going to open up old wounds again.

Your going to use your skills of communication to hurt me and articulate your feelings to embed guilt, shame, and stupidity... that yes it is becoming comical Michele and once again I'm going to say that I don't mind anything you have to say some valid and some just made up in ur head out of anger. For me I get something out of every email you send me and I thank you for every one you sent.
I hope you get a book deal or anything ur heart desires. But if ur going to send me ur shit and character assassinate me you should be open to allow me to recepracate back... oh but I see you still like having the last word and which still continues to be unchanged Michele one way or onesided and that's ok too.

Michele I don't like being an addict I've just come to accept who I am and I AM also always will be recoverying and my faith is mine and I believe in the same God you do and how I utilize my faith is not urs to judge and I will pray for you too. Lol just thinking how we still debate on our different views on life and how seeing things are not much different other than we are apart.

And to add my dearest sweet Michele every moment I had you in my arms was real and genuine and the best I've had ever encountered and it angers me and hurts me that I made a very poor choice and I guess all I have say about that is I lost a great woman... you were that one! I missed it Michele my ego, self-centeredness, pride, all of those character defects that I allowed to take place over you.

I'll end with this that I have moved on slowly but surely and coming to accept our lives are but not so distant but still a memory and regardless how deep the pain and anger... you will always be special to me and I to you. TC

Happy Birthday

And so I said after a few other ventings - I closed with:

"And to add my dearest sweet Michele every moment I had you in my arms was real and genuine and the best I've had ever encountered and it angers me and hurts me that I made a very poor choice and I guess all I have say about that is I lost a great woman... you were that one! I missed it Nicole my ego, self-centeredness, pride, all of those character defects that I allowed to take place over you."

Dearest Sweet Michele?...humph

Blah, blah, blah...the deprivation that has taken place over these last few months...I know that there is a manual somewhere for guys like you with all the lines that girls want to hear...there is nothing that would convince me otherwise...I was not looking for baiting...I understand the cookie cutter of it all - my gut which has never been wrong tells me if this had any sincerity at all - it would have been said months ago, and I would not have met balking, anger or resentment when I asked for closure... and if you couldn't get through via email you would have found a way to communicate and provide closure WORSE CASE SCENARIO, THERE IS AN ANTIQUATED CURRENCY CALLED A POSTAGE STAMP! ...we know from the call logs that when EX is determined, he'll call twenty five times at five minute intervals if that is what it takes...he'll also leave work early to go to the Port Authority to meet up with someone when he's determined...there is NO stopping EX when he really WANTS to do something...therefore the jury concludes and rests with: Michele was a vehicle for EX to transition from his wife...Michele was the "fallback" girl - the rebounder...Michele could have been ANY woman...EX NEVER did nor ever will recognize what he lost, nor how much Michele cared...but again...that's okay too - it's ALL okay...at least now it is and that is what counts, because in reality...at least for you it appears...genuine is as genuine as the moment...nothing more and nothing less and given what I have to contend with - with my health, what the possibilities are...I need someone that can walk with me or I rather be alone this way I won't be disappointed....but I do have faith that there is someone out there...and God decided to intervene so that I could be ready for him.

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And for me, I think I am finally done...AMEN...