If your Narc is over 40

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#1 Jun 25 - 5PM

Anonymous (not verified)

If your Narc is over 40

Mine is 47 and never in the last seven years has he made an effort to do anything. For him or anyone else. I guess what I want to know is those of you that were with older Ns did it seem like they were just tired of even having to go all out with pretending?

I see stories on here where people were swept off their feet in the beginning, but mine never made much effort from the start. I think we went out three times in the beginning but eventually he literally turned into a hermit.

I can't even imagine him ever putting out very much effort to pull anyone in EVER.

So was it just me or do you think they get sick of doing it over and over and it always ending the same?

I'm thinking maybe I was just too easy and I will get the shock of a lifetime and hear about him actually taking someone on a date.

#2 Jul 10 - 10AM

ifinallygotit

mine was lazy

he did not take me on many dates and had little money. As soon as he moved and had some money, he took a gross bar lady on dates and broadcasted it on FB for all to see that at 55, he was back in the action and able to catch a hooker looking younger lady. he has already dumped her (well maybe he screws her once in awhile) and does not have a GF. last I looked he had many new bar girls added to FB My point is, even if they take a new GF out, it does not mean anything - it is for external show, not to be great to someone. He just love swooped me again after 11 months after his move. he took me out for a beautiful waterfront dinner - it meant nothing to him and he has already forgot that he acted totally still in love with me. If I made him take me out, he would, but mostly I was "easy" and watched TV and hung out at his house - I work hard and no longer care about making the scene anymore so i was perfect for him. he continued to be big man alone in the bars without me...i was home toy. it does not matter if they date publicly or not - same behavior, they will dump you if you get serious about them. Everyone (not here on this forum) told me to brace myself for him to marry someone there - I do not feel this is at all what he wants - he loves getting the attention and sex without giving much..

#3 Jul 10 - 11AM (Reply to #27)

ruby01 (not verified)

ifinallygotit

Very similar to my experience, although I think he would get married if he did it super fast, before either person had time to really think about it cause it would also end super fast. I think living with an n would be hell and I sympathize with those that have.

#4 Jul 10 - 8AM

aceonelady

power bunny

that's what my Narc used to call me...he said i had too mucn energy,and that i was too much for him...i am 55...and yes,i look 40,i fitness but i am also quiet and relax,but sexually i almost gave him a heart attack he said, and i saw that...from black (he is afro american)during sex he went red... ha ha...the ED was also relly bad...not so long ago,2 years after D&D he tells me he is going to stay alone,he only wants peace and quiet after work,and he also terminated his internet services...no money no friends,loves to sleep ,eat high carbo food and some porn...What a shitty life!

Aceonelady

#5 Jul 10 - 3AM

TraumaMamma

Huge effort

Mine had a 100.00 a day spending limit on himself. Chump change to blow. So, movies, dinners, drinks were no big deal at all. I am a blue collar girl. I am prone to drink with firefighers and police and frequent cowboy bars with my ex, a US Marshal. I like Jack Daniels. Tequila. He would order me Chocolate Martini's. I am not sure if he was trying to change me, or what. They were ok, but not my style of drink. I can hang with the upper crust. But I don't really find them to be as much fun. Martini bars sucked compared to a cowboy bar and a couple shots of Potrone and some good Kareoke and some sweet potatoe fries. Everything about his money and effort made me uncomfortable. He didn't mind when I broke his truck though. I cost him 2,000.00. He got his towmotor stuck and I was trying to pull it out with his truck. Popped the truck into drive, of which the trucks steering gears were loose, and snapped the gear box. He never got mad. I was tired, he was crabbing about me getting it into to gear, so I jammed it into gear alright.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

#6 Jul 10 - 1AM

Brooke1

oh ya, i forgot something

Wait, i didnt give him enough credit.oops! Yes, he DID put effort into some things....he made a huge effort to come against everything i said, to invalidate me every chance he got, to laugh at all the wrong times but none of the right ones, to say things in such a way that i couldnt confirm what he meant without him changing the whole story, to lie when he didnt have to......dang! no wonder he didnt feel like doing anything. That would take up all MY energy too!

#7 Jul 10 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

ruby01 (not verified)

indifferencesucks

So true!

#8 Jul 10 - 1AM

Brooke1

never made an effort

Mine is 52.No, he never tried to be romantic.I met him at a 12 step mtng.We started to go out for coffee after the mtngs, i think for about a mo. Then we spent a couple wkeds together--and suddenly jumped into fast forward.It was great for the first week...then he started with the "i need space" thing.Then things started to kind of go down hill from there.He never wanted to do anything with me exept go for walks (and talk endlessly about himself).Eventually, i started getting after him for not wanting to do anything, because i was worried that he was falling into a depression at one point.The more i tried to get him to put effort into our so-called relationship,or into having fun together,the more he snapped at me. Frustrating.Oh and heres something fun...he never wanted intimacy, but i had the privilege of stumbling upon a huge pile of porno magazines in his apt when i went there to get all his things, being that he had gotten himself locked up (another story). rrrrrrr!

#9 Jun 27 - 1PM

michele115 (not verified)

I think regardless of Age

Narcs are just lazy...not sure if age is a factor. Come to think of it mine was pretty boring too but if you think about it, they are "grandiose" and walk around feeling entitled, so why pray tell would they think they need to put any effort into it? Thoughts in hindsight of course... Look forward to the day when you don't have to ask anymore, when you don't care anymore, when you can crack a joke about them, when they are "comical and entertaining and predictable"...I hope that day comes soon for you. Give it time, I promise you it will come. Hugs!

#10 Jun 26 - 3PM

FINALLYFREE2BME

Same old, same old

The xN is 50 and doing the exact same thing he was doing 15 years ago, except working. He has a back-up filipino nurse girlfriend who he keeps under his thumb to wait on him while he goes out and hunts for "something better". He's been ping-ponging back and forth between the same old "madonna" and a string of fresh "whores" for 15+ years. He's always lived alone so he can continue to cheat. Sometimes I see him in a popular local bar (I only go when my fiance's band plays there) and he's sitting on a stool next to a loser wingman leering at women, hunting for his next victim. It's comical to watch because he tries for the younger girls and they practically recoil in horror because he's haggard, has a mullet from the 80's (dyed black), and can barely walk on his bad knee. Once he's finally snagged one he disapears for a while, but always reappears once they "break up". Same old, same old. I'm sure he'll still be sitting in that bar when he's 60, 70, 80....

#11 Jun 26 - 1PM

dolphingirl

sad old narc

interesting posts and comments, mine was over 50 I dated him 10 years ago and left him after a few years of abuse, lies and cheating don't know why I let him talk me into seeing him again, this time around, it was just dinner and sex, he has no energy for anything else. I knew this and when he started his nonsence I was out of there pretty quickly. Of course that is when he pulled out the charm and tried harder, but really done with him He is either working or in bed and has become a hermit. He still does venture out now and then to keep up appearances, but he has pretty much lost his his edge They are sad when they age, I expect that he will not live to an old age, he is angry, doesn't sleep much, drinks to excess and smokes pot and deludes himself into beleiving that he is on top of his game. very sad

#12 Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #18)

adoette

in bed

Mine appeared to be in bed all the time if he wasn't out of the house. Drove me crazy. He'd work from his bed and watch several shows at once. And complain that he wasn't getting his work done. I wanted to shout, "GET OUT OF BED AND SIT AT A STINKIN' DESK ALREADY!" But I never did. Maybe he'll get bedsores eventually. Not that I wish him any ill harm...

#13 Jun 26 - 11AM

janine

Resignation

Mine is the typical lazy and depressed sort of covert N. He tries to get away with as little effort as possible. By his standards he probably made quite a bit of effort for me. It had not been necessary for him to do so to get me into bed, because this was supposed to be a strictly sexual affair from my side. Apparently he regarded that as a challenge wanting more and tried to offer me what I liked. I watched with amusement. Having grown up with Narcs I see why they do what. Maybe it's because of that, having had no illusions from square one as well as Narc being fairly open that there was no honeymoon stage like most of you had. Same as Lobo's guy mine put in lots of effort towards the end. I guess that was because I'd left before and he was keen to hold onto me. Of course I saw the calculation and was not impressed. Mine has also turned into a hermit. Years ago he used to do a few things for others for the usual reasons, the illusion of having friends or for useful contacts. He is even more dysphoric now he's over 50. Needing lots of sex he manages to find women through the internet, but it seems to be too stressful to hang onto them. He said to me he has given up on himself.

#14 Jun 26 - 8AM

Lobo555

CharlieSheenWinning was more

CharlieSheenWinning was more sweeping me off my feet at the *end*. Very strange. Never wanted to go on dates -- that was for his ex-fiance who he kept going back to. We'd meet up at the pub for beers or he'd call at 10 o'clock at night for a booty call with me when the ex-fiance had given him the boot. Yeah, I'm real proud (not) that I was a part of that nonsense. But then last fall he started taking me on dates, still proclaiming that he didn't want a "relationship." He had me come visit him in the tropics and paid for everything. Wouldn't let me drop one thin dime on him. We stayed in a wonderful place, ate fantastic meals, etc. He returned home, then became more aloof. I broke things off because he said he still wasn't over his ex-fiance even though she'd left him 2 yrs. prior. He got an OW literally the day after that and married her 3 weeks later. I'm thinking he must have swept her off her feet. Dunno how. He's got no job, no home -- they're crashing at a friend's house. I think he swept her off her feet with booze -- his best friend says they're drunk all the time. Which is odd. I know he's an alcoholic, but when we were in the tropics he hardly drank at all (for him). I'm not a big drinker. Maybe it's all mirroring. He's 47.

#15 Jun 25 - 9PM

adoette

ruby01

Huh. That's an interesting hypothesis, ruby01. Mine exN is 46 and there was not a honeymoon stage for us. When I look back, I scratch my head and wonder, "How did he suck me in so QUICKLY and with such little effort?" Ugh. I might've been "too easy" as well. :/ But, in our defense, we didn't know what we were dealing with! Plus the next one will only be as good as the chase, then she'll get her share of D&D. He has left MANY broken relationships in his wake. Maybe some narcs do get tired and see what they can get away with with the least amount of effort. My X struggled with depression. That might play into it as well.

#16 Jun 25 - 6PM

onwithmylife

Mine is

now in his late 60's and done, finished, nada, he even wrote me once in a birthday card after he left and moved away, that' it was too mentally exhausting to have a relationship with me,' and we were not even in the same state, I think he was exhausting having to keep his false mask up and now just must be the horror he truly is and is a total hermit, except shop, library and maybe the senior center to chat with fellow old geezers..after 2 plus years out cannot imagine what he is or looks like UGH, forgot reduced to pathetic cybersex as well,

#17 Jun 26 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Now that he's almost 50...

The ex-Psych prof ditched me when he was 36... and I was replaced with *SURPRISE* a 31 year old (I was 22 at the time) He's pushing 50 now. He'd say I was making him old, exhausting him... no wonder he went for someone of his own generation (usually Narcs trend younger when it comes to partners) He'd say how I baffled him constantly. By the end of the "relationship",he had gotten fat (a double chin he didn't have 4 years earlier, along with belly paunch) His crows' feet got deeper. The ex-P became a hermit over those 4 years... he withdrew from everyone. He didn't even date a woman or man who lived in town like the rest of the bachelor professors did, he had an LDR. He's basically hanging out with his parents. He must think *I* was the vampire who robbed him of his colleagues, his youthful looks, then disappeared, only to break NC every once in awhile to take whatever is left, like one of those scavenging predators on the Serengeti that takes what's left on the bones&licks them clean.

#18 Jun 25 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

ruby01 (not verified)

onwithmylife

That's funny. Mine used to say I was a "hassle". Odd

#19 Jun 26 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Erali

onwithmylife

I was a "headache." God forbid you ask any rational questions, apparently that causes physical tension in their brains.

#20 Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

onwithmylife

ruby01 for you

I read somewhere that the narcs are so busy keeping up the pretense of their false self, they have no energy to work on a real relationship, makes sense to me.

#21 Jun 25 - 6PM

Susan32

He is now

When the ex-Psych prof first met me, he was 32... I was 18... at the final D&D, he was 36 and I was 22. He tied the knot with his girlfriend at 37... she was 32... AFTER she had borne him twins. He is now 47. I think he got tired... I think that's why he D&D'd me for a woman who was only 5 years his junior instead of 15 (not all Narcs are Hugh Hefner/Donald Trump types who seek out very young nubile partners) Young people are idealists; they see the future ahead of them. As the ex-P once sadly said to me, "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life." I don't think it was a lie. If I had stayed with him, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm sane;I'm happy;I have my friends and family;I'm employed. If I got "stuck with him" 11 years ago, I would've gone thru the agony of marrying&childrearing with an N. Pure hell. Some say cerebral Narcs only have sex when they're having personal crises;in his case, I think it's publishing. He got published after the final D&D (it might've been in the pipeline my junior year, however);he had gotten published before I was a freshman;he got published in '09 after being dormant for 8 years. As a writer, I really can't imagine NOT being published over an 8 year interval. I've been published constantly over the past 9 years. It's "publish or perish" as they say. I even have a deadline for a magazine currently, and some online stuff I plan to do. He hasn't put much effort into being a philosopher (that's how he wooed BOTH the girlfriend&I) I'd get the shock of a lifetime if he published A BOOK or if he came up with an ORIGINAL IDEA.

#22 Jun 25 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

I forgot...

His parents are living with him, raising his kids. The kids aren't even acknowledged as his. Whenever the kids are mentioned, it's said that their grandparents are raising them- one would think the twins were orphaned, so Grandpa&Grandma had to step in. ZERO mention of the parents. The ex-P is nearly 50, pals around with Daddy&his Daddy's friends on campus.

#23 Jun 25 - 6PM

Cgrl

I meant to add

He told everyone he was a homebody. Umm. No. Just a lazy ass who did not recognize a trash can. Unbelievable what we allow in our lives huh?

#24 Jun 27 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

mystwoman

I fully understand this one!

I fully understand this one! Xnh is 49 years old. He always professed to be a "homebody" in public. Then he would promptly find every excuse in the universe for NOT spending any time at home. He wanted to run, run, run constantly (and spend buckets of money he didn't have, of course). I can't even count how many times xnh referred to a weekend at home with me as "just boring" and "doing nothing". This behavior always drove me crazy. Personally, I actually ENJOY spending time at home. I LIKE my home. lol. Since he left, I have found more "projects" around my house that he told me he'd done (while acting all persecuted and abused because I was SUCH a slave driver and made poor little him do it - rofl). Most of the stuff I've found was done so half-assed that I've had to get it done over, or he blatantly lied to me and really didn't do it do begin with. My opinion, is that xnh wants whatever he currently doesn't have in his life. I used to refer to him as a "jealous little shit" because for xnh the grass in ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence. When I met him, xnh was laying it on really thick to me how unhappy he was in his marriage, and "all he ever wanted was a wife that was his FRIEND." Then they broke up and we got together (and I WAS his friend), and "all he ever wanted was his own place" because he was living in a friend's bedroom without two pennies to rub together. Finally he bought a cheap mobile home, and "all he ever wanted was a REAL house". So he managed to weasel his way into my house, and "all he ever wanted was to live near his mommy in another state because where we live is nothing but Hell on Earth, and he's at a 'shit job'". He cheated on me and dumped, then "all he ever wanted was his 'friend' back (guess he should have thought about that one before he cheated on and abused his 'friend'). I find it really entertaining that xnh didn't have a much better chance to achieve his "dream" of moving near Mommy, getting away from "Hell on Earth", and leaving his "shit job" than he did right after he dumped me. Opportunity was his baked potato there. He doesn't have the balls to actually accomplish anything by himself. So what does xnh do instead of leaving? He stays at his same job and moves into a house he can't afford 65 miles from "Hell on Earth". My best friend and I were rolling on the floor laughing the other day when a co-worker told us that xnh now "misses spending time in this town" and "he wants to retire from this company". We both just looked at this guy and said, "You're kidding!?!?!" We've all heard xnh piss and moan about living in "Hell on Earth" and working at a "shit job" for almost 20 years. Now he MISSES the town and he wants to RETIRE here? Xnh is probably saying this because he no longer lives here, and he's having such a rapid financial meltdown that he most likely won't MAKE it until he retires before he has to file bankruptcy for the second time, and leave this company with his tail between his legs in disgrace. rofl. Xnh is still behaving the exact same way as the day I met him, and I have no doubt that in 20 years, xnh will be behaving in exactly the same way he is today. It's so pathetic that it's almost comical. His first wife was 100% correct when she told xnh that he will never be happy with anything. He won't.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#25 Jun 25 - 6PM

Cgrl

Lazy narcs

When you have a lazy narc like I did- he was 44 they use other means to reel someone in. Like the Internet. Dating sites. Blogs or forums that interest them. Facebook. You get the gist I'm giving here. Mine could not hold a job. Worked 12 hours a week and told family and friends- whom I never met and his " friends" were on the boards - were his supply. I am almost positive that's how he met his latest supply. That's how he met me. So yeah- they find a way. Do not be surprised and most of all- don't even care.

#26 Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

MovingForward

My N was ectremely energetic

My N was ectremely energetic from the beginning to the end. She is 47, we were together 11 years. My story does not seem to fit the typical N's behavior I read on the board. She was usually always very attentive to me until the sudden D&D when she found someone healthier, more energetic and was more financially stable ( she had drained me dry). She was there in every way except intimitely. The D&D was very sudden but I know now she had been working on my replacement beford the final D&D occurred. Her abuse was extremely covert. Cutting me down and making quick comments but within minutes acting as if she had said nothing. Her supply was fun and excitement. When the reality of life and adulthood hit her, she was ready to go.

#27 Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Sparrow

Kiddunn - sounds like your N

Kiddunn - sounds like your N also suffered from BPD. Was she ever diagnosed? My N #2 suffers from Bipolar disorder. It was almost impossible to keep up, but after educating myself, and spending more time noticing, I can call the shift in moods to the day. And then there would be the rapid cycling, the sporadic thoughts. Conversations that made no sense. He would jump from one topic to the next, then the next in a matter of minutes. Spending like crazy on whatever, whenever, didn't matter until he came down from that state and was full of regret. I could tell just in his writings to me. Words that he used, etc..........I would say to myself, "Oh boy, here we go again, put your seatbelt on" LOL

#28 Jun 27 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

MovingForward

She was never diagnosed with

She was never diagnosed with anything. In her eyes, she was perfect. I'm not sure what she is/was except for evil, cruel and totally lacking empathy. She left me when I became disabled and broke. With no income, heat, medication, etc. She was one cold Bitch at the D&D. I saw pure evil and coldness in her eyes when she told me she was leaving and did not care what happened to me. I was left in 'our' home with no heat, 23 degrees outside and snow on the ground. Whatever she is, I am just glad she is gone. :)

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