If you are the OW

I wanted to share this today as it is ironic that I read this post, right before I got a text message from my ex P's soon to be ex OW. She needed to talk. Prior to her getting involved with exPexh, we were best friends for years. Since they have been together, we have barely spoken. She asked if I'd like to come over for coffee. I did. I'm so glad I did too. The conversation was informative for her and she was ready to see what a liar and con he was. I felt sorry for her. But she literally saved my life when I was getting out of the marriage with ex P. He was physically violent. she took that on, thinking she could change him. Yep, sound familiar? She is just now beginning to find out about all the women he has slept with, some her friends, and the things he has done. She is very ill with graves disease now and has had a bout of cancer. Being with him has made her very, very sick. He is trying to lure her again, while he watches for other targets. I felt so bad for her and felt a lot of compassion for her. I understood. THere was no anger or bitterness toward her. she was taken by a con, just as I was when I married him and all throughout the marriage. It was a healing experience for me and I let her know I would be there for her as she processes her pain, if need be, someone to talk too. She knows the choices she made to be with him and the impact on her life and her own family....but I knew it wasn't her fault. While sitting there with coffee cups in hand, she said to me, "He wanted me to believe that you set us up so you could be free from him" LOL, wow the stories they weave....I said, "Um, no, given his history that isn't likely the case"....then she looked at me seriously and said, "That wasn't the case, was it? My taking him away saved your life". "Yes", I said, " and it was the best thing you ever did for me, even though i'm sorry you're going through so much pain now." We shall see what happens in the days, weeks ahead. she may well go back to him, but I think things might just be a bit diffferent this time as more and more lies surface. IT is just very sad what a psychopath does and how much pain, ruin and damage he causes and that's really where the blame lies.

My particular OW pushed me in bars/ restaurants, confronted me on the street several times, stalked my house, called/ texted me many, many times with nasty, evil messages. I realize she is under N's "spell". I realize he was "spinning" info to her. I realize she was trying to "win" her man that was just trying to get out of a mess.(US)( although he wasnt telling me that at the time).... I, myself, could never treat or say such mean things to another human being. No one made her do or say such horrible, horrific things to me. So, as much as I want to have kinder ( even sympathetic) feelings toward this OW...I cannot at this time. Maybe sometime in the future. No one deserves to go through the hellish journey of a N!

this post means more to me than you can possibly imagine. I have been racked with guilt over being the OW and yes, it hurts to hear some of the things people say on here but I also understand it. I never EVER thought I would be involved with someone who was married or cheat on my own husband.How it happened...well that is why I am here, trying to figure that out. I tried to get myself out of the relationship the minute I saw what was happening and he used every narc trick in the book to reel me back in. I make no excuses for myself - certainly there was something amiss in me that allowed this to happen and I need to fix that. For those of you who are jealous of the other woman,let me say this: It's no better for her than it is for you. Oh sure, she gets the initial "honeymoon" phase, but she gets the very same treatment otherwise. Plus, eventually, she comes to see the truth - that you are NOT all the evil terrible things he said you were. And she is filled with compassion for you because you are MARRIED to him and possible have children with him and you can't just walk away like we can - damaged, but free. You will always have that tie and for that, I have a great sympathy and compassion for anyone who is married to one of these men. We're sisters in this. We've all been duped, abused, lied to, and hurt. I will never forgive myself for getting sucked into his world, but I'm determined to leave it behind.

My ex P and I were friends for two years before any relationship started that was intimate. He worked it good about his own marriage when I was making a departure from mine. I was also coming out of a very abusive twenty year marriage to another P. Fun times! NOT! He acted like my best friend. His acting was better than any other. I wish to GOD i had not gotten on that merry go round now. It's a shame when not only the OW is trying to come to terms with the pain she is in, as well as the pain caused to others, the tragedy is that he'll never take responsibility for it. Psychopaths love it when women blame each other while he's walking away with glee. It's disgusting.

I shoukd really post my whole story here but for now and I make absolutely no excuse. I am guilt ridden over his wife. I also know now what she endured. Both of them. My narc was a long distance thing. I had no idea he was married. She called me. I called him. We had not had anything at this point. Told him it was cool and I respect his marriage and we can be friends and blah blah. I walked away a d Had no intention. Well. Mr cheater had been doing this to her 6 months after they got married. I met him two years into his marriage. Short version. He was relentless. I'm leaving her for you blah blah blah. We had never physically met at this point. Guess what. Flies here to live with me. He devalued and discarded her. I was scared. Here is this guy who is my penpal at my door to live with me- Not visit. LIVE. Anyway. I'm not defemnding what I did. I did nothing. I was just his friend. He sucked me in. The resst of the story is history.

My N husband was single free and clear when we got together and so was I.......I know these N's go on and on destroying everyone and everything but to go and play into someone else's marriage? I don't understand that.... I remember being 15 YEARS OLD and hearing how ALL cheating married men say at least two of the following: 1. My wife won't have sex with me 2. She doesn't understand me 3. She's crazy On a HUMAN level, you must admit, these N's really pull a number on us, so of course the OW is going to get pain from them as well, as pain and suffering is just the nature of the beast.......... This post is in response to "ordinarycourage" whose post is just below mine....sorry, I posted in the wrong place... ; )

I wish I could see the logic here. The OW knew he was married and had a family. She chose to pursue a relationship with him anyway. That is not something I could do under any circumstance. Maybe I am naive still.... It's just not in me to cause so much pain.

I agree with you Scoop. Regardless of where you think you fit in the scheme of things with the narc - so many of us need to stop beating ourselves up over the narc's evil behavior! As much as a part of me wishes my narc wasn't with his new OW, I believe she was as gullible, innocent and naive as I was. I wouldn't want her to feel bad about any of this. In fact, I wish I could help the poor woman because I believe that since she listed herself as very trusting and financially stable, with a successful business on her match.com profile (I truly do not think she knew any better!), she made a very serious mistake! It's not smart to advertise having money as it likely will attract the wrong kinds of men! For her it did and he just happened to be my narc! She also sounded very lonely. I don't blame her. I knew she was supposed to be a successful business woman, but issuing that kind of bait on her profile about being trusting and loaded with money made her an easy target for predators, and I don't think she knew what she was doing! Too late now! On the good side, she took the target off my back, and the narc lost all interest in making me his servant and sex-slave, isolated from both my family and home - now it's all on her! I pity her truly! I feel bad for her. On another note, while I don't think monkeying around with married men is terribly smart, I can see how it can happen. Women alone can get lonely, hungry for a man's attentions, so it makes them vulnerable to predators. Too many men out there always eager to take advantage of women and use them anyway they can! God knows I was vulnerable, and I didn't know it until it was too late! No, my narc wasn't married, but it was bad enough. I don't know, but I think it likely he might have had other women he was stringing along and I was his best prospect at the time. If you were the OW of a married man, or even if you were not, whatever the situatiuon was, please don't beat yourself up anymore! It's so unnecessary, and ultimately damaging to you. It was not your fault! YOU WERE TARGETED, and these guys are so clever and devious, it's likely you couldn't have known! Stop feeling guilty and beating yourself up! All you did was prove you were human and there's no shame or disgrace in that! Hugs to you all.

scoop..I appreciate your post and the contacts you give for more info. I have gone on to read or see each one you have posted. Everyday I am learning more. I am so glad to understand what I went through was not my fault. I am a sweet, honest, empathetic, loving human being. I am NOT taking the blame for his illness. He sought me out, set me up, and then renigged and left without a word. I was devastated and full of pain. *NOW....Everyday I pray and visualize my happiness without him. I think about him less and less...I do not allow his seductive words and pictures to enter my mind. Because I am starting to believe that they were lies...all part of his seduction, his plan. I am not quite at believing he wanted me to suffer by his actions at the end...that belief is around the corner for me to believe. That's a huge belief that I can't comprehend at this moment. It's not in my nature at all to deliberately hurt someone, so I have a hard time believing it. When he left and went silent...I had NO idea it was so definable and true that he is a full fledge Narc. I at least can see that now ....it helps me heal. I too was the OW to a woman who was a OW :) see the irony in all of it??? I actually feel sorry for her...because how much did he really care for her when he was cheating with me...OUCH!!! Our relationship was never physically consummated totally...it was extremely emotional, very sexual fantasizing from a distance. I am sure there are readers who understand how that works. It's verbal and visual and very deeply emotional from a distance. You communicate intimately for him to get his highs. I see it now. The trauma of this kind of relationship I believe can be even more intense than when it's physical. *I loved him, I believed him...that he would be mine and we would be together. Our past history from HighS which was so sweet and innocent helped me to believe him. He said we were at the "crossroads"...little did I know he'd leave me there at the CROSSROADS to get run over and over again by his Narc Train.........it's sad I am healing, my heart goes out to all people who become the prey for these sick pieces of crap. The hardest part of this for me to understand is...he could have played any woman with his seduction...why did he play someone who he knew loved him and truly cared about him. I am not naive...the whole world of woman is his stage...how could he stoop so low to hurt me. That makes me cry and feel so sick...that is just so MESSED up....God help him. bd

There are so many posts that express anger, sadness, frustration and blame at the OW and although I understand that these are feelings that must be expressed, it is challanging not to take them personally. I am not a boyfriend stealer or a loose girl and I did not pursue Mr. N...he pursued me! I did feel a lot of guilt but Mr. N told me over and over again that he was leaving her and that he wanted to be with me. Even called me his gf on a few occations. I just want to ask for everyone to be compassionate to everyone else on this board and realize that there are women who were involved with the N as an OW and it isn't about any of us when it comes to the N, it is all about the N. That is who deserves our anger...not the other victims.

It's been said on this forum a few times that we are all the OW. When I saw who his new target was, I realized it didn't matter what she looked like, at all, where she lived, how she dressed...it wasn't about her, this time it was about money. It's about what he wanted. I'm having so many eye opening revelations this week that are really helping me with my healing process and this is one of them. This post. Thanks a bunch Scoop!