Shy types? Please . . . Sometimes, they are the WORST! My last exN/psycho came off sooooo shy and humble . . . The couple sitting behind us on our third date actually commented to me (when he went to the men's room) that he looks so shy and I look out of his league.
PUUULLLEAAASSEEEEEE . . . Nearly every guy I have dated came off so shy and sweet. It's part of the manipulation until you really get to know just how contemptuous they are of others.
Volunteers? I volunteer a lot, but I have also dated guys who volunteer. . . THAT TOO is part of the manipulation. Part of the mask. They wear a good guy mask (or good girl mask.) It's all about him. Ted Bundy volunteered at a suicide hotline. N'uff said.
@Kelly
I figured I'd agree with your review, but then I read the article, and wondered if you had. You refer to shy-types on dates, but the article clearly speaks of shy people, such as those you might know from work. I read that to mean you'd know him for a while, and determine he was genuine.
I agree that guys on dates are putting on their best (like we don't) but knowing him from work is quite different.
Same with "volunteers" — the article specifically does not include guys who volunteer just for recognition and bragging rights, but those who do it from compassion. I work with one guy who signs-up and volunteers for all company things, but I also know another guy, more on the quiet side, who I worked with for almost a year before I discovered he was a regular volunteer at the veterans' hospital. He also helped me a lot in getting my self-esteem back after the difficult time I had getting away from my psycho BF.
Anyway, just my opinion.
You took the words out of my mouth...Shy my A**...Excuse my french...They are the Worst type,pathologic sickos that ever craweled on the face of the earth...They are liars antisocial dangerous creatures...At least you know a snake is a snake and what they do when you see one...But they are devils in disguise....My ex was SHY too....2 months at his place i saw what the word DEVIL and Hell means...is a year and 4 months ago since he showed himself completely and i am still devasted and a shadow from a woman i used to be...i feel like i have been sucked dry by a Vampire and turned into an undead too....I don't agree with this one either...They come in all shapes and colors....
About six months in to our relationship I had a dream that I was looking at him and he had little stubs (horns) coming out of his forehead! Seriously, why didnt I run?
This is a tricky one....how to identify them....Mine is very quiet ,no social life,only grocery shopping (he has to when living alone) ,otherwise he sends the one he lives with,working ,but rather work alone,and always saying i don't fuck with nobody so i don't want nobody fucking with me...YEAH,Right.....and other usual quote was...I am not needy,dammit! No right,if you are any free time you have on the internet looking for supply,in my book you are more than needy....And what scaries me the most is that he thinks he is too good for a dating site so he goes to prey on normal sites,like amazon.com,giving reactions about products reviews,wikianswers, poetry sites,movies sites etc....even culinary sites,also sites j pop sites and high school musical...he is 42 father of 3 teenagers....is pretty scary and is killing me....I wish i could stop him for enticing innocent people....You really don't expect a man like that on sites like that.....that is how happenned to me....and i am not a greenie,i travelled alot and always worked in the public sector,so i have feeling for people...well they are not human,maybe that is why i didn'trecognize his behavior....
I was thinking about how i would be able to spot someone who wasnt a narc and what i would look out for and for a while i thought a vegetarian would be a good place to start . Being a veggie means that they have put their own desires second to that of the animal so they must have empathy , but then i thought that anyone could say they are a vegetarian and would proberly use it as a mirroring tactic with me ."yeah daring im a veggie i love the dear little animals " and then he goes home and woofs down a big mac.
I supose i will not be able to tell if someone is a narc when i meet him apart from my gut feelings which are on super alert at the moment . My narc was such a good actor at the begining i didnt stand a chance . I remember that fatefull night about 4 months in to our relationship when the mask had its first slip and i was left open mouthed with my mind spinning , he covered it well in the morning in fact i remember him clinging to me saying "dont leave , forgive me ,im sorry im sorry " . I supose the diffrence now is i would have been out that door so fast you wouldnt see me for dust but then i stayed .There are a few times in my life that i can say i made the wrong choise and that was one of them , if i had run then i would be in a very diffrent place now , i was in love though , brain washed and disarmed .
Scoop x
There is a man who is sniffing at my door at the moments , he is persistant but respectful . I am watching him like a hawk for any signs that he might be a narc. He has mirrored me in the past , but some mirroring is natural in the courting game surely , i know i have done it in the past , i find myself sitting the same way as the man ect . Im going to stick my neck out and say all men are a little bit narc . As women we are brought up diffrently in the west , we are the carers , the mothers ect , i know i was brought up to ask " how does this affect everyone else" but my brother was brought up to ask "how does this affect me " ..I just dont think men are encouraged to be empathtic in society . Just look at the toys we where given as children , i had dolls and my brother had guns .... say no more ..
It is a sad fact that in order to carry on the human race women need men , a necessary evil if you will (although modern science maybe one day alleviate us of our misery )so i dont think it is a question of how to spot a narc , its a question of what narc trates are tolerable for us .
Am i being too cynical here ?
Scoop x
You're not being cynical at all. It's true that men are wired differently, but it's up to us to determine if it's too extreme.
Men are more logical and less emotional, so generally, they will not be able to understand how deep things touch us. However, there is a big difference between being logical and not being able to relate at all. Depending on the individual narc, there are some signs there that help guide us. Some are harder than others. I think that the intellectual narcs are harder to figure out than the somatic.
I think that because men are more logical and less emotional is part of what attracts us to them. Who doesn't love a guy with confidence? From what Sandra Brown wrote, this confidence is part of what draws us in the first place. It comes down to deciphering whether the man's confidence comes from within or at the expense of others, i.e., the put-downs, talking about others behind there backs, etc.
Good for you for watching your back! I try to look for extremes in a man's behavior. This to me is very telling. For instance, my last Narc was almost too nice after he figured out his other approach wasn't working. It seems weird that anyone would complain about someone being too nice, but it came off as disingenuous and was pretty annoying.
be careful you aren't confusing HEALTH Narcissism - which everyone should have - with NPD!
There's a blog post on this.
~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals
Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Most definitely! The last guy was without doubt, NPD. Some of the guys I dated it was pretty obvious. One guy was late, talked about himself the whole night and then asked me if I had any tatoos because he "Didn't want to see a tatoo of my ex while he was getting me from behind". Another one asked me if I have a piercings down below. I have so many horror stories it's ridiculous!
Sorry, but when someone shows me that level of disrespect, NPD or not, they're GONE!
You know what when i think about it all my troubles come from relationshis with men ... WHAT are they good for really ! They are big babys which we are ment to take seriously , they patronise and bully their way through life and yet sleep soundly in their beds ... i use to watch my psycopath sleep after he had done or said somthing terrible and i would think "you compleat wanker ".
I have had men say things to me like you and i think to my self "how can they get it so wrong .. has that approch ever worked with a woman ?" but the scary thing is it proberly has ...Shake head rolls eyes ..there is no hope for us .
Scoop x
I suspect a lot of PETA people, Green people and Vegan/vegi people do it to prove to the world how empathic and caring they are all the while, despising humanity.
I don't think they are all bad, just a lot of them . . .
it's been written by a number of psychologists, etc that Ns and Ps OFTEN affiliate themselves with:
a charitable organization
a church, temple or religious organization
a cause
their alumni association (if the college was prestigious)
to shore up and wrap themselves in the blanket of altruism and goodness...
I am always suspect, many of my Ns and Ps have done this and I see it too often.
And the Ns & Ps that prey on vulnerable through religion or religious affiliated dating sites or boards? It's in the millions. Just disgusting.
~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals
Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
How frickin true!!
My ExN does "Make A Wish" and some how his Alumni Assoc. always knows about what he's doing. I swear if you told him he could do all the good works he wanted but couldn't tell a soul, that would be the end of that.
He called my daughter yesterday about an hour after she refused to see him for the 4th time in a row. He hasn't actually called her in months. He asked if she saw the oil rig accident. She said no. He went on to tell her about it even though she couldn't care less. Then goes on to tell her that her Uncle, his brother, was the engineer appointed to oversee stopping the oil leak. She just says OK. It was so funny, there was just silence on the phone.
She doesn't care about stuff like that, name dropping. On the other hand, I'm sure he called everyone he knows to tell them about his brother, like his brothers knowledge and achievements somehow make him a better person...NOT!
"I swear if you told him he could do all the good works he wanted but couldn't tell a soul, that would be the end of that."
Mine was the same way, and probably still is. I told him he should volunteer since he's retired with a great pension and nothing to fill his days. So he started at a local food bank, and he would post on FB every Friday, when it was his day to go, how he was doing his part to help the less fortunate. Oh puke. Yeah, he's such a good guy.
My ex-N had a sick fascination with meat eaters coming down with mad cow disease and their brains dissolving. But then again, he was sorta flattered when my classmates compared him to Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" and he did the knife scene... of course, one of his favorite movies is "The Terminator" about an emotionless killer robot.
What's a sadly funny irony is that MOST of the vegetarians/vegans I know are really decent, humble people. The folks at Cafe Gratitude are positively angelic. I've gone to a vegan potluck, and the people there were incredibly friendly.
Well,i pretty sure now that we have to follow our gut and red flags....Now when i think about what happenned to me ,if i had followed my instincts i wouldn't be the wreck i am now...from now on i will take care of myself better and don't go over my "borders" because i feel for a sad story about bad childhood,bad girlfriend and job....And is very difficult to judge if somebody is a narc or not because mine told me also his negative points and i thought well,if he is being this honest with me about his flaws and mistakes,i can trust him...well ,NOT...He only told me what HE wanted me to know so i would trust him.....I never saw something like that before and hope (i am sure)i never will again....He lied and he believed in his own lies....THESEf*****s suffer from delusion and God knows what else.....
These f***ers are all the same & tell the same story. Bad childhood, cheating girlfriends, & sorry jobs & bosses....Oh pleeeeeze! They are f**k ups & want to blame it on somebody else!
I don't agree with this one
I read your review before the article
i am with you on that shy guy stuff...
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tricky
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Aceonelady... I swear ours
YEAH lets compare notes.....
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HI wounded soul...how do i get your email...aceonelady
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I just reread your story and
ok wounded soul 36
Aceonelady
I was thinking about how i
Vegetarian Narcs
All men are a little bit narc
Scoop
healthy vs. unhealthy narcissism
Most definitely! The last
Neveragain
It could be a front
the mask of goodness
How frickin true!! My ExN
Anonymous Charity , , , NOT!
I agree...puke! The best
The Mad Cow Disease Fetish
Narc or normal.....scoop
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