I wish I had never met him...

4weeks and 4 days ago I ended my 3yr relationship with a man who I both can not stand to be near and yet can not bare to be without... I have been diagnosed with severe depression, I have lost contact with most of my friends and the ones that are left are mutual friends who are unable to understand what Im going through because my ex 'is such a nice guy'.

Looking back I cant help wondering at what point I become this person? When did MY friends start dropping off and the insecurities start creeping in?

Im 31yrs old and Ive had 2 relationships in my life.

My first, I met at school when I had just turned 16yrs old, we were together 13yrs before we eventually grew apart and mutually split.

The second, I met at work, he portrayed himself as successful, charming and handsome, extremely moral with high integrity (an ex british marine if you please), a volunteer fireman and also a father. He told me that his marriage had split up in April that year and that it was an amicable split so I entered into the relationship in December that year.

The first year of our relationship was like a fairytale, he was everything I wanted in a man and more. He would tell me I was beautiful... Id never had anyone tell me I was beautiful before... I was hooked. I spent the next 2yrs trying to get back what we had the first year... the increasing number of arguements were always my fault (in the end I didnt even know what I was apologising for I just wanted the agrument to be over and I knew it would only end once I accepted the blame), then came the nights of silent treatment (I look back on all the nights I cried myself to sleep wishing for the relationship we use to have... he would say that crying was a form of emotional blackmail that woman use to make men feel sorry for them, the more I cried the more distant he became). Then came the other women ...there were always other women (the ex wife that he now had unresolved feelings for, affectionate female co-workers, female friends I had no idea where he'd met....), he started doing over night trips for work which then turned into 2 days trips that turned in to week long conferences, he started taking up hobby after hobby all of which did not include me....... shamefully I put up with, all of it, because I loved him and I thought the pain of being with him is better than the pain of losing him.

4 weeks and 4 days ago that pain became too much.... I found an email he had sent to another woman while lying in bed next to me the night before... it said how surprised he was to have met someone as beautiful, intellegant and funny as her, how he hoped she would want to stay in touch with him as it wasnt just a night of fun for him. I knew what he would say if I asked him (my insecurities would be to blame) so I decided to seek the truth from the only other person who could give it to me.. I emailed her. They had met 2 days earlier on her last night in NZ, the following morning she flew out to the UK for a 2yr OE, he had told her that he had been single for over a year... she had no idea I even existed.. he told her that if he hadnt of just started a new job he would of followed her to the UK to be with her (he hasnt changed jobs in 2yrs??) however he will fly over to be with her this christmas and introduce her to his family and friends.

I ended it that night and I havent seen nor spoken to him since however I heard through a mutual friend that he is going to the UK for christmas...