I wanted to be in the band!

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 20 - 8AM

helldweller

I wanted to be in the band!

Did anyone see "The Music Man?" Remember how Harold Hill came into town and had to find a way to get people to want to buy band instruments for their kids? Only he had no intention on delivering them? He played on their deepest fears, told them a boy's band could save them from those fears, instilled in them all a deep desire for one, instilled in the children a deep desire to be part of the band--all the while having no intention whatsoever of actually teaching them to play or even delivering the instruments? And remember Marion the Librarian? Who was waiting for a man all her life to "sit with me" only to have Harold Hill manipulate her too? Only thing is, she saw through him. Unrealistically, when she saw through him he fell in love with her for real and gave up his using ways. As he said, though he intented on leaving her high and dry, "This time I got my foot caught in the door." Weren't we all wishing he was going to get his foot caught in the door trying to leave us, too? That it would be different? I used to watch him going out with his brother and their friends and family, sitting in their yard and drinking and talking, etc etc. I so wanted to be part of that. I would have done anything! I didn't even like being around them but . . . I so wanted to be in the band!

#2 Jan 20 - 8PM

Susan32

They exclude themselves

It isn't just that the ex-N excluded you from his life, Helldweller. He excluded himself from YOUR life, from your daughters. The ex-Psych professor would rage about my family- who he didn't know and hadn't met- of course they wanted nothing to do with him. When I introduced him to my mother&my sister at graduation, he made a pompous @$$ of himself. He acted so full of himself, claiming he had read Augustine's "Confessions" in the original Latin... it was laughable. When I went to concerts&lectures with my friends, he'd say that he was "not that important" to me. He'd say sulkily "Go be with your friends." He'd condemn my friends as weird, stupid, strange- I'd defend them- and somehow he expected me to sacrifice them for him. I couldn't do that. He excluded HIMSELF from my friends and family, and it was HIS doing. No wonder he said "you don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life" (I got an email from a college friend who was a real lifesaver during the final D&D a couple of days ago) He wanted to be my be-all and end-all. I couldn't do that. He never introduced me to his friends;I introduced him to mine. And with the latter... oil and water get along better.

#3 Jan 20 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

strongerthanever

This brings back a memory.

This brings back a memory. So, is what I am about to say a Narcissist trait? He once made a comment that my mom was selfish and only talked about herself. She didn't ask many questions about him to find out about him. Now, my mom is a talker but she was having general chit-chat with him and telling him stories about our family. I do recall her asking him questions about his past but, I guess it wasn't enough. Was this projection? Of course, my friends had something wrong with them. He was obviously awkward when going out with them. Anyone around me had something wrong with them and it was hard to go out and have him along. That was a living hell.

#4 Jan 20 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

He was the black cloud over the party...

Sounds like your ex-N was definitely a Narc... already insulting your mother without really knowing that much about her. She was also part of your life- and in his sick eyes- immediately his enemy. The usual major projection. The ex-Psych professor would accuse lecturers of "calling attention to themselves" and I'd say "um, it's THEIR lectures." (Sounds like your Narc re: your mother) He couldn't even share the spotlight with his colleagues. "He was obviously awkward"-The same here. He'd mock me cruelly in front of my friends, and they didn't like it. His mask slipped in front of them frequently. My friends didn't like how I'd suddenly become gloomy in his presence when he snapped "Be serious!" He'd cast a shadow over the proceedings. He&my friends were NOT on good terms. No wonder I didn't marry him;my friends wouldn't have wanted to be a part of it. I'd go to Bible studies, Wednesday night soup suppers.. the ex-P wasn't a part of them. And he was too proud to go to them. That's why I felt bad for his LDR girlfriend whom he eventually married (after getting her pregnant) She went it alone, moving from LA to New Mexico to be with him. I don't know if she had friends there to provide perspective. Who knows, she might've been as much a Narc as him.

#5 Jan 20 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

strongerthanever

Do they find people with

Do they find people with family in another state and not many friends so they can have all of the attention? I had my mom here, who lived with me, when we met. I have many friends and would want him to come with us. It quickly came to where he isolated me and every weekend was with him. He had no friends, no outside interests or hobbies. Just his son every other weekend. His childbride has parents in AZ, brother and sister in UT and ID, and a small amount of friends from the school she teaches at. The rest of friends are scattered since they are all in their 20s, just graduated from college, and have their own problems and families. So, I guess I just answered my own question.

#6 Jan 20 - 7PM

gettinbetter

oh helldweller

This made me cry. When I see how pretty you are and how this man treated you like such an animal and all you wanted was for him to include you all I can feel is utter rage.

#7 Jan 20 - 6PM

Happy1

Helldweller

Yes! I can so relate to what you wrote!!

#8 Jan 20 - 3PM

onwithmylife

HELLDWELLER

Your analogy is great because I so wanted to be with him and have a family together. because at the time he had 2 small daughters, I never had a girl, and we all got along great and I finally felt like I had the family I had missed for so long,We use to go looking at houses to buy and I had the perfect idea of happily ever after in my mind, i realize now I was creating my own illuisoionary world, thinking he was normal and we would have a great life together!

#9 Jan 20 - 9AM

ally2375

Helldweller - YES!

This is EXACTLY how I felt. At first, he didn't let more than a few minutes go by (literally) without texting, IMing or emailing to let me know that I was the only player in his band that mattered. It was just the two of us, and weren't we the perfect compliment? When it suddenly changed, I didn't see it coming and had no idea how to react. I wasn't first chair any more. No solos for me. The part of your post that resonated was when you said how unrealistic it is that the guy will get his "foot stuck in the door." Don't we all have some version of that fantasy in our heads? I believed that, no matter how scared, commitment-phobic, unreliable a man was, when he met the right woman, she had curative powers. He would suddenly do and be everything she needed because he loved her and didn't want to lose her. When it didn't happen that way in my movie, I thought it must be some failing on my part. The failing is the fantasy. We need to stop believing in it.

#10 Jan 20 - 8AM

Janet

yeah, i did too. Now I'm

yeah, i did too. Now I'm starting my own band. Peace. J

Peace. J

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