I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR CRAZY BEHAVIOR

Ok you will love this .. i saw mine yesterday at a meeting , out side the meeting house was all these long sticks and poles they looked like fire wood , i asked what they where there for and my friend said that they are my narcs and what he is planing is .. squating a piece of land and making a house out of sticks and living in it ..To think when i first met him he looked and seemed so normal , he had a nice house a good job , good clothes ect and now he is going to live in a stick house with no electricity , water or toilet . What a pillock .. xx

I'd whip his ass right back into shape, and put him back in line, every time! That's one thing I can at least admit. I was totally honest, the entire time. Brutally honest! He did NOT want to piss me off. Or he'd hear all about it, for sure! I didn't hold back a bit! I think he thought I was like him. He sort of hinted at as much, without really saying it. The difference is, I mean well. It comes from a good place. However, I have a low tolerance for bullshit. I called him on everything, from the very beginning, to the end. With disturbing accuracy, in retrospect. I think he found the challenge amusing. Of course, I'm a little too honest, and he used those details to manipulate me further. In essence, I helped him, to help himself, to abuse me further. I gave him the details on HOW to do it better. The instruction manual. I thought I saw right through him, and I did- except when I didn't! He was relentlessly persistent, calculating and patient. He won me over, and my guard came down. I'm still hitting myself for that one. He used my own smarts against me! *doh!*

Hahaha....my favorite is when i went over to the house we had lived in after finding out he had fu*#ed my best friend and for some reason he had been jarring pickles..(totally random and they were the best pickles i've ever had),anyway, i poured pickle juice everywhere,in his boots,shoes,couch,bed,etc....i was crazed...totally crazy...then i stole all of his clothes...lol...took them all and left the pickle juice shoes...,I smashed glass vases,anything breakable....ohhhhh,and broke his fishing poles....looking back,he probably LOVED the attention....i can't even believe that was me...I will NEVER let ANYONE get me to that point ever again....ugh...hey,you can't say I didn't have passion...LOL

Well now, let's see. There were tearful and somewhat hysterical phone calls to him at 4:30 am (that's the time he gets up for work). There were texts - some of them angry, some begging him not to make me leave him because he wouldn't go to counseling with me. There were numerous emails and letters. I'd call him and scream about how much of an *sshole he was & would end up hanging up on him. 5 minutes later I'd call him back and be crying and begging for him to come to see the counselor with me, telling him that I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. At one point I told him I couldn't live w/out him. It was right about THEN that I started thinking maybe I was the crazy one. After I finally figured out that he was a borderline, I sent him links to videos about BPD, links to articles about BPD - I even bought him a book "I hate you, don't leave me" & highlighted the important parts, then left it in his mailbox. Being in a relationship with a PDI can make even the most calm and rational person act crazy. They don't call their behavior "crazy making" for nothing. Finally I gave up on him and realized that even with counseling, his BPD will always be present & that things would never change. It was then that I started putting the focus back on ME! Hugs!!! ♥

one day I was fine and the next I would say, dont contact me again, he used to call me unstable, but you know what? Hell i was fricking unstable because of HIM. Who wouldnt be with what they put you thru. I told him once that he literally destroyed FOUR years of my F---g life, he of course said, you need to take your meds again you are not acting sane. I yelled back, YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS, your the one that needs medication NOT ME, go take an antipsychotic and then I can act sane again. I was up and down and all over the place and I am sure I was unstable much of the time with him and I am sure he loved it too that he had the power to do that to someone

But i am early in recovery and it is too painful now to share all my crazy behavior, but I will in time because I think it will be freeing. I believe I am still acting crazy now: I called him after 4 months of not speaking, expecting what??? He said he missed me after abandoning me, getting a GF and going silent - and I lapped this up!!! My crazy behavior needs to be more past tense for me to share it and help others - I do however forgive myself for the internal battle I am experiencing. I do wonder why I cannot "take a hint" and let go... Cognitive Dis? Thank you to our healthier members for sharing...

oh i have done it all!! i responded totally to the crazy, always trying to defend myself and doing stuff and behaving in ways i never could imagine. screaming, crying, begging him, ingnoring him, sexually enticing him, ANYTHING and everything. i knew it was psycho but on one level i thought it would work and sometimes it did. yes, i felt pathetic and a lot of shame. no more though, i am thoroughly done. i am. i don't want him back. he has done me a favor by replacing me. i feel free and unburdened. i can't hate him and hell yes i am angry and sad but i now realize i am soooo better off. i look at my exnh now as a long time family member who is toxic. i am pleasant, yet distant when we have to converse and so far that is working. i know the pattern and i am ready this time. my goal is to be conscious of MY reactions and my behavior. definitely no more shame.

One second I'd be texting him how we should try so hard to work it out and BEGGING and the next minute I was telling him to F off. When he'd discard me, I'd call him a million times because he'd totally ignore me and I'd leave a million messages. I knew I was acting psychotic but didn't care. It was like I turned into a mad woman. This is what they strive for. They LOVE that they are driving us insane. My exN's ex-wife told me he absolutley drove her insane. YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL! Their behavior is irrational and we are desperately trying to reach them and understand them to no avail. We are trying so hard to make sense of their crazy behavior...That's why we swing from desperate to anger. THEY are insane!!! NOT US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are 1185 email messages...those are just the ones that were "sent" this does not include responses. There are at least 35 letters minimum of five pages There is the famous spell of a thousand locusts rant... BUT I got it out... I never really went full throttle, I'm sure the report would have been a doozy...but I wouldn't be here to post...I'd be wearing a jumper with stripes.