and then after going back with him... then him d/d you again... back here again with the same panic attacks.... it will pass ..stay with your friends here.. not go look for your ENEMY!!
yes my friend he is.... at least when one is at war one knows the enemy.... when you meet "the great love"...... how could you possible know they are realy your greatest ENEMY..... but when you do know... you must stay away or be annhilated... stay away!!!!
I hear you because I'm only a little over 24 hours NC and I'm having a panic attack right now. I know you don't want to call him. You are feeling alone maybe? Afraid of being alone? I'm hoping my panic ends in a few minutes and I hope yours does too!
Oh Noooooo, do not do it! You will just assure him his supply is still open.
Anyway the most important is that you will stop "wanting him". As long as you want him whatever you will contact him or not it can finish up badly. If you do not contact him, there is possibility that he will contact you and he will suck you back into the "hell". If you do contact him he can make you feel very miserable. Please start working on yourself and start respecting yourself. I am sorry to say it but if you will call him it will mean you do not respect yourself to much :(.
ok. i'm sorry...
it's passing. i talked to my mom for an hour and a half. i feel like a raving lunatic today. i keep praying every day before i go to bed that tomorrow will be better and it gets worse worse... why is it like this right now?
This board is here for this reason, come here and vent and let it out. You are in a horrid place and everyone here can relate and feel for your pain. It is OK, and we will try to offer some hope and consolation. Do whatever you have to do to stay NC, whether it is seeing a therapist every day, taking medication, or just get a friend to sit with you for a day and just hold your hand.
Why do you want to crawl into the lap of a man that beat you and humiliated and hurt every fiber of your being? because he has taken YOU away from you. You have been conditioned to only respond to HIS wishes, not your own. My own experience was that I wanted him to BE sorry, not just say it. I wanted HIM to see the light and *bling* change. I wanted HIM to FIX it. Because he would not, I figured it had to be MY fault.
Repeat, repeat, it was NOT your fault, there was NOTHING wrong with you. The only struggle now is for you to learn to trust yourself again. The reason you are coming back to this board tells all of us here that a little voice inside of you wants to be heard by the world, and by YOU. We are listening, we want you to listen too. Take up all the space you want, that's what it is here for.
The tactics that are used by Narcs are the same ones that are used to break war and political prisoners. If trained soldiers break under such treatment, how the hell are we going to come out of this easily? The very fact that you have made it this far means you are well on your way to becoming a survivor. So don't ever apologize for feeling like you do at any given time. It is a slippery slope out of hell, but stay with us, because many many people here will promise you that it will get better. xoxoxoxo
nancy, thank you so much. i copied and pasted what you said onto my email so i could read it over and over. the thing you said about the tactics being the same as war prisoners... can you tell me more about that?
I will try to find the article...bear with me, I read so much these days that I forget where I read stuff;)
This is one article that may shed some light, and this website has plenty more. It is skewed towards DV and may not mention Narcissism, but it is all the same thing.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/emotional_abuse.htm
•Isolating a spouse from friends and family.
•Discourage any independent activities such as work; taking classes or activities with friends.
•Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex.
i did these to an extent. i was really jealous :(
see?
Look fierflie, these can become reactions to all the subversive, covert and ambient abuse they send our way. because we exist in a world of confusion and having things projected onto us, our own reality becomes skewed and we will start acting some of it out ourselves. So we become the ones that are obsessing, checking up, etc etc, and we become the ones that look crazy. It is a crazymaking process and they know exactly what they are doing.
For example, mine always accused me of not trusting him and told me I always accused him of cheating. It took me some time to figure out afterwards that I HAD NOT done that. All that had happened was I would question why he could not return my calls (working away) or call when he said. I may have even asked WHERE he was (God forbid). Simple things like this were designed to shut me down and not ask because I was bad.
I was not a jealous sort, but simply told him in the beginning of the relationship that if he wanted to be with someone else then to just keep going. However after much soul searching, my jealousy did arise out of the fact that I was craving emotional support which he could not provide, but was always racing off to help someone else in distress. It was the emotional investment he seemed to put into others that had me reeling. Isn't that supposed to be one of the basic fundamentals of a relationship? Yet I experienced the opposite as I believe most here did.
You need to give yourself a break here. Under duress we all do things we are not proud of and do not even recognize as being ourselves. The difference is we know when we are or have been drifting off track, and it is the healing process that will get us back on. Hang in there.
i am the jealous type. i told him i had been cheated on and that i was afraid of being with him because he loved women so much.... he totally convinced me.
he would ask me to go to strip clubs and i would agree because he would say
you'll be the prettiest girl there, by far...
or i watched porn with him. i did these until i found him at a strip club without me and watching porn without me.
i was so threatened by everyone and everything i just got crazy. it was funny because when we wnt out, guys would litterally come up to him and ask him how the hell he got me. can you imagine? that just seemed to annoy him.
my x husband also was very generous and payed for everything. i do miss that.... but it also showed me diffinitavely that money really doesn't make you happy.
did you read my story?
jealousy is something that arises out of our own insecurities. ANY woman would start to behave like this if they are treated in such a way by a pathological. It is HUMAN nature and most women on this board would be able to relate an experience or two about that. What I am trying to relate to you fierflie, is that your reactions are perfectly NORMAL for someone that has been treated so abysmally. YOU have committed NOTHING wrong here. So you went out and you wanted to be loved, adored and please him. NO CRIME. But all the while he was conditioning you to what to accept. I can't make a diagnosis, but he is pretty close to the experience of my first Narc when I was very young, and comparing it to yours still makes me shudder.
I did not have anyone to explain Narcs to me in those days, and it took me a long time to get over. Because of it I continued to make similar mistakes, but I am wiser now. Do not label yourself because of what has happened with him. HE is the pathalogical, make no mistake. It is NOT you.
alot of the ladies on here who read my story think he was a psychopath not just a narc.
i still struggle with wondering if i'm histrionic, or borderline, or a narc. my psychologist has to assure me every week that he was the pathological, not me. just like you did. i even ask her things like 'how do you know i'm not faking it'... lol
my n/p payed for everything. if anything, i was the parasitic one in that way. i made him buy me a big ring and presents. i feel kind of bad about that. he brought that up alot after we got married.
The ex did many of the things yours did. I had been cheated on badly, very wounded from that, he knew it, the strip clubs, the porn, then it got way worse than that. You know you had nowhere to go but down.
And yet, despite all that I too wanted nothing but to have him love me.
And, I think as in your case (the ex was 15 years older than I) it wasn't really "love me ex" so much as maybe "finally love me dad".
Things get very mixed up, old pain/new pain especially when the husband figures out and exploits your childhood pain.
Have you read The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes? If not--very good one for you to read. It will shed more light on why you're feeling the way you do now.
xoxox
The ex-Psychopath professor was 15 years older than me, yet he treated me like a mother figure.
Instead of trying to make me jealous of other women, he really wanted me to be jealous of OTHER MEN. He'd casually say he was more comfortable around other men than around women, he liked it when I was tomboyish (as one of my friends said "he's attracted to you because you look like a boy"), and he'd call me a slut if so much as wore a dress. He'd give his philosophical musings to his young male groupies, NOT me. He treated male students better than female ones.
Yet he had major Daddy issues and his biggest nemesis on campus was the openly gay professor. The openly gay professor apparently had a brief relationship that ended with the D&D... and the anger he had about the ex-P was the kind I see on this board. He warned me about the ex-P. It wasn't a female victim who called him out on his lack of respect... but a male one.
Yeah, he's a real prize. Come on! Stop and respect yourself! He is an abusive psychopath -- just ask yourself why you would want a creep like that in your life.
I realize your self-esteem is low, but it is NOT that low. You will certainly be more proud of your actions if your DON'T call.
And, don't forget these guys are dangerous, you are playing with fire.
Peace. J
i'm so lonely!!
every time i go out its worse and worse...
all my friends say how hard it is to find someone! he married me, he wanted kids, i wish i had been better! I ruined it :(
now, i know he'll find someone else..
i feel like dieing.
No, please do not contact him. He will just make you feel worse. Do you really want to beg him to take you back so he can hurt you again? Because you know in your heart that he will.
And so what if your friends say it's hard to find someone? As you get stronger and feel better about yourself, people, all kinds of people, will be more attracted to you and your personality.
You were not the one who needed to be better. HE needed to be better. He needed to respect you and care about you. And you did not ruin anything. HE ruined everything.
And so he's going to find someone else? You shouldn't feel jealous of that, you should feel sorry for whoever comes after you.
Please, please think about the outcome of any contact with him, especially if you beg him to come back. Please think it through all the way. You have seen and read enough to know that this will not end well.
Take care of yourself, read and write here, and try to not contact him!!
you didnt ruin jack shit Fierflie,
you could have been the best little wife in the world (you would still have f***ed it up)
you could have been the best lover in the world (you would have still f***ed it up)
you could have waited on him hand and foot and it STILL would not be enough because YOU WOULD HAVE F***ed it up)
Do you see a pattern here? YOU didnt do anything but love him and he shoved your love right up your ass and it hurt like hell and you want to give him the chance to do it again?
NO...
and don't worry about meeting anyone else right now...worry about YOU...YOU are all that matters right now...
I miss mine too sometimes,but ya know what? I miss the old me more...please dont give him the chance to rip your heart out again...
fierflie
used
fierflie
I hear you because I'm only
happy1
Oh Noooooo, do not do it!
Been there.............don't
maybe i need to be
ok. i'm sorry... it's
Don't be sorry
Nevergoback
nancy, thank you so much. i
Fierflie
Nevergoback
•Isolating a spouse from
reactions
Nevergoback
i am the jealous type. i
Jealousy
Nevergoback
nancy m
Girrrrlll
love me dad
An older Narc
Double post oops
Nevergoback
WHY?
:-)
oops
No. I forbid it.
Yeah, he's a real prize.
Peace. J
NO NO NO
i'm so lonely!! every time i
Fierflie,
pfffft