I tthink I will look bad if I keep ignoring narc at dance society

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#1 Jan 4 - 8AM
TooSoft's picture

I tthink I will look bad if I keep ignoring narc at dance society

Hi folks, this is my problem. I was devalued by narc "friend" in May of 2011. The problem is we are both in a dance society as that's where I met her.

There were some red flags towards the end of the friendship that I saw (and also during the friendship), as i got to know her better and I suppose she began to show her true self to me. For example, she thought that some female members in the dance society were jealous of her. She even thought the female dance teacher was jealous of her as dance teacher's husband (who was also teaching us) would dance with her. He used to dance with some other female dancers too. The Narc said once that the teacher had said something mean to her and she put it down to jealousy on the female teacher's part. She also thought that the last teacher we had didn't like her because of jealousy also. Narc is quite attractive, there's no doubt about it.

Now, looking back at our "friendship", i can see that the narc saw her as a superior dancer to me (she had been dancing for longer than me). It is a difficult dance and I put in a lot of work to gain expertise in it. Towards the demise of our frienship, my dance had really improved and I was being asked out more and more at the dances. We had a festival in April last year and I had a great time and got asked out to dance loads. I'm quite friendly and I am not full of myself (quite the opposite - I never had loads of confidence). I remember it was over that weekend that she became cold towards me and I found it strange.

The devalue was horrendous for me and I was so shocked that she treated me badly and she was so cold and callous (she called me cold and callous in a text but I know now that was projection).

Basically, she set me up to make it look like I cancelled on her, eventhough she had made other arrangements and I went home for the day instead. She then punished me the following weekend by pulling another stunt on me. I won't go into it as it's a bit tedious.

But my problem now is this; I think that I will look like the villain, to the people in the society, if I keep ignoring her as she's quite popular in the dance circle and she comes across as oh so sweet, you would not believe. She tried to talk to me at the Christmas party but I could not bring myself to talk to her. No doubt, she will make me pay for this.

There's a part of me that feels bad for not chatting to her but i just couldn't as I'm still quite nervous around her and I guess I still was feeling afraid of her.

I feel so, so stuck! Everywhere it says to stick with no contact but I wonder is this the best course of action for me in my situation? Would it be better if we could at least be able to have a superficial chat and be able to say hello to each other? I don't want to rekindle the friendship with her, defintely not.

I just think that I look like the mean, petty person by not talking to her. I know she will have spun a whole web of lies to some in the society (she's very friendly with two in particular).

I don't know what to do. I feel also that it might be healthier for me to be able to say hello to her her as I will have to see her at the dance functions and classes.

I have felt ok with ignoring her up to this point but I think that continuing to ignore her will make me look bad to everyone.

Any advice?

Jan 4 - 10AM
Sparrow's picture

My opinion, honestly, is to

My opinion, honestly, is to attend the class if you enjoy it and don't want to leave it, treat her no differently than you would anyone else in the class, KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES however, and do not re-create the friendship, treat her as an aquaintance. Do not resort to the pettiness that she does, it is not worth it, ignore her and her attempts to get under your skin. The reson I advise this, is because, you will find, throughout your life, toxic people, EVERYWHERE. That's a fact in todays society. So what needs to happen at this point is to use the boundaries that you have or are discovering through your healing. It's an amazing and important tool. Don't let these toxic people keep you from your life and the things you enjoy doing. Handle them as others do, with success. :)
Jan 4 - 10AM
Im_always_fine's picture

Here's my opinion about those

Here's my opinion about those who expect acknowledgement from me, "I owe you nothing but my complete and absolute INDIFFERENCE." Your "friend" can expect no more regard than a stranger. What is the LEAST you would offer to a stranger? Politeness. Mind your manners out of SELF respect...beyond that...indifference.
Jan 4 - 9AM
Hunter's picture

I had a friend who narced me

I had a friend who narced me years ago.. We went to Bunko together.. The sight of her makes me sick.. I joined a different club .. This is a sport/Hobbie why would you want to go to a social event and pretend as she does? If you choose to stay you should continue to ignore. Hunter
Jan 4 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
TooSoft's picture

Thanks guys. Yes, treating

Thanks guys. Yes, treating her as an acquaintance is what I should do. Good advice, Sparrow! I'm a polite person by nature. I just need to remember that she is no longer a friend of mine and she is relegated to an acquaintance. I think it would be very easy to fall back into her trap. The bottom line is she lost the access she had to me when she devalued me. And true, I owe her nothing. I am not giving up a hobby I love because of her. There isn't an option of joining another one and I go. And I get on with everyone there anyway so its not like i need her. I have joined lots of hobbies/interests on my own as i like be independent. I was doing fine in my recovery until about November when I discovered narc had been in touch with a friend of mine. This friend of mine got to know narc through me. I was pretty gutted when i found out. I told my friend that I would not stop her meeting narc but I did not want to know about it if she did meet her. I have managed to keep my friendship with this friend of mine thankfully. I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my friendship. Narc knew how to get under my skin. Narc would know full well that I would not approve of them meeting as i'm extremely loyal and narc knows that if a friend of mine got gutted by someone there is no way in hell I would meet that person. My friend has had a hard time understanding why I have decided to cut narc off. When the fallout happened, for the sake of my friend (who had been pushing me to reconcile with narc) i made one last ditch attempt and rang narc leaving a very pleasant voice mail. Narc ignored me by six days and responded via text to me. Her response was very bullying and intimidating. I then decided to set out narcs behaviour to me as she was guilt tripping me. She responded to that by saying that I was making the whole story up to suit my weird version of events, denied everything and called me the pits and pathetic. Even when my friend knew this she still could not see through narc. Goes to show how narcs can pull the wool over people's eyes.