I thought we bonded :(

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#1 Nov 29 - 4AM

Gaia

I thought we bonded :(

I been so sad lately, crying at the drop of a hat. Why does it seem to be getting harder?? I almost broke NC tonight, and emailed him..but I had to sit on my hands literally.
I feel so sad, because I was thinking about how I believed we bonded in the 8 years of knowing each other. We always shared childhood traumas together, and I felt we were just two abused souls that loved each other, and was saving each other with the love we never recieved as children. He knew all my secrets, and I knew some of his. He acted like he trusted me, and I trusted him. He would tell me just how horrible his mom was to him as a child, and I told him how terrible my dad was. For some odd reason, he said I reminded him of his mom, and he reminded me of my dad. We were indeed doing the macabre dance, of wounded souls.
But, he all of sudden the last time I spoke to him, he defended his mother, and said his childhood wasnt the reason he was the way he was. When I was mentioning he may be NPD, he denied it.. and said his mother is a great mom. I was floored, did he just get amnesia?
Why was he defending her now?
I wasnt being good supply anymore, so i guess when you do that they change their stories??? It left me hurt and confused.
And the most painful part, is to try and believe we never had a bond.
These thoughts are killing me inside, I wish I had answers, but I know I will NEVER get them from him.

Thoughts?
SG

#2 Nov 29 - 1PM

uk lady

Savegaia

You are so right. You will never get answers. He is a fake so what he says, thinks, feels, does is all fake. Once you come to accept that you will be going forward. My ex would tell me all kinds of things and of course I would always walk away totally confused. Then afterwards if I ever pulled him on anything he would always say, "No that came out wrong, it was never my intention this, that or the other". Sound familiar? So you are not alone in your confusion. Ultimately, you just have to accept it and be thankful that you have broken away from him. Dee x

#3 Nov 29 - 12PM

blueworld

SG

this is for you since we have grown so close to each other. While reading this i want you to remember one thing. HE DID NOT GO TO L.A. THERE WAS NO CAPITOL RECORDS OR STUDIO Jan 2 2009 He is in la right now Doing I am not sure what Something with his producers Ok so this is the third day that Brett is in la Last night he text me at about 3am my time Basically asking me how my day was and said he is really drunk and horny Comforting always good to know the one your suppose to be with is states Away texting you they are drunk and horny I told him id talk to him in a few more minutes when I got out of my cab That I was on my way home from work So when I got home fifteen or so minutes later I tried calling and texting him and he didn’t answer me anymore I sent a text after trying to call letting him know I was home and trying to reach him and then finally after my last attempt said something like Okay well tried calling and texting you your states away drunk and horny and not answering me anymore you probably just fell asleep im going to bed And here it is almost 12:30 pm my time Sunday and have not heard a thing from him So if someone cared about you Theyd tell you right through actions What are his actions telling me so far? Till later…………. FIGHT NUMBER TWO Added on 9th of January 2009 Surprise surprise Brett “broke up” with me Wow ….really….didn’t see that coming* sarcasm* he got back from la Surprised me by going to mcools early I was there hanging out with Clarence matt and Sal and Harold and bob After winning three games of beer pong in a row I went outside with everyone and had a cigarette When I took the first drag I saw Brett come around the corner He looked pissed And he was I could tell He was mad he felt I was lying to him when he saw me smoking Because I said I quit And he hates smokers And he came to surprise me and sees me smoking Matt pushed me and so did bob and having played beer pong I gave in wanted a cigarette I felt like we were going to fight Shortly after we left He took me home And he stayed the night with me We woke up went to McDonalds and got movies On the drive back to the house I sensed something was up We started to fight as soon as we got back to my house He told me he felt trapped Feels like I am demanding love That his producer says he can’t have a gf in this business That he has been with other girls and wants to give them affection without question And with me he just doesn’t One day he lifts me up The next he throws me down I AM DONE I don’t deserve this. These are games I already participated in Really. This is not going to be a repeat for me After saying I am so stupid and getting out of the car This being the second time Brett has caused a fight few hours later sends me a text saying That he really loves me and then talked about himself about the money the contract and what he has coming with capitol records won’t be around much to treat me the way I deserve to be treated when he tours and gets big Brett has stayed the last few days with me it’s Feb. 09 09 now He leaves tomorrow for la again Today is the 11 of February Brett flew out to LA today He sent me a text Since I’ve got a min, I just wanted to say I love you and miss you, honeyjoes! Sent 2:30 pm Then at 3:41 another one from Brett Hey baby, I forgot what your favorite animal was….can you tell me again. Lol My favorite animal is the oriental dragon Then he responded at 3:47 pm Oh yeah lol. My bad Then another text at 5:42 THEY CUT MY HAIR!!!lol. Bastards Then not another till 12:28pm Making it the 12th of Feb HIM I love you sweetbuns, but I feel horrible. I couldn’t be with you on Saturday. I might…but I might not . lol ME Do not feel bad. Catch your dreams! I am beside you all the way. And ill be here when you get back. He text me back Lol. I love you! 12:31am Then he text Lol.what are you up to,anyways? drinking…im guessing 12:32am its now 1:11am and I haven’t heard anything more from him Febuary 12 2009 I woke up and talk to brett in texts The basic miss you texts HIM I love reading those things. It makes my day go by faster. Im thinking of you so much, id love to know what youre thinking too HIM I keep falling more and more in love with you Then I got this text and haven’t heard from him since Where are you? At 6:57pm I answered him but haven’t heard from him and its now 9:11pm So that’s two hours ago Brett text me more sweet texts and lots of I miss you and I love yous Today is now the thirteenth tomorrow is valentines day I really miss him He sent a text saying I wish I could kiss you right now I am going to bed Febuary 14 2009 Woke up took a shower Got strange texts from brett He asked me what im doing for valentines day Then another text asking me to shower and get super sexy And pretend like im on a date with him You deserve the best And yet ive been decent you’ve been sublime I love so much about you I just want you to feel something good has or will happen Of course this was all strange to me He kept texting sweet texts since he was in la and not going to be home for valentines day Then a happy valentines day I love you and cant wait to see you again Then while I was out with bob at lowes I got a go home I sent you flowers text So we talked in text and I got home To find him standing in my room with beautiful roses!!!!!!!! Todays is the 16 of feb Brett has been with me since he has gotten back. And we have talked a lot I found he actually got back on the 13 and was on his way from the airport and was driving to my house but wanted to make valentine’s day really special for me and decided to plan it all out and went home instead to really surprise me That it was hard for him to do because he wanted to see me right away He missed me and thought about me the entire time he was in la OK THIS WAS MEANT TO SHOW YOU THE EXTENT THEY CAN LIE SO DETAILED AND FOR WEEKS AS IF IT WERE TRUE he never went to l.a there never was capitol records or producers but that whole month and all those convos were very believable right> down right frightening

#4 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Gaia

Dearest Blueworld :)

Thank you for sharing that!! Its incredible the lengths they go to to LIE LIE LIE! Your story is unbelieveable! Do they watch movies to figure out how to screw us over? SERIOUSLY! There was a time, I was in Texas, and he was in CA ( he is from CA, and I swear they are all(or most) like this here..NPD land) God only knows what he was telling me was any truth, I was too far away to know. He could of been screwing anything, and he told me he quit smoking, but I never saw cuz I was in TX..but i HAD to believe him, and stroke his ego. When I came back to CA, he was smoking again, and said it was my fault cuz I stressed him out, and didnt support him ENOUGH when he quit, although I supported him every damn DAY! He said I didnt send him a card for quitting, and I did have a card for him, but didnt get a chance to send it, cuz I was working two jobs full time, with no sleep. also, I remember when it was my bday, we were states apart then too, but I at least though we could spend it on the phone, or I would get a present...NOPE. He never called, I sat at midnight waiting, crying my eyes out. I called him over and over , no answer. When I did reach him the next day, he said he fell asleep, and he couldnt call because "his eye hurt" . I was like WTF does your eye have to do with you picking up the damn phone! He started screaming at me, saying I didnt care his eye hurt and he was in pain. Oh poor him. 3 days after my bday, I asked him if he was ever going to get me a present..he got pissed and said I was pressuring him. ( I didnt want to ask for a damn present, but I wanted to see what he would say, i was really hurt..I never make holidays or getting presents for myself a big deal, but on my bday..at least) He sent me some crummy flowers, that looked like they were dying already. He had them sent to my house with a generic, I love you happy bday written on the lil card. Thats it. What blew my mind, was that this bday that passed in Sept 2011, he went all out with LOTS of balloons, a BEAUTIFUL card and a REAL diamond and gold necklace! Wow I was SO happy, i figured he was making up for last year. But..the truth hit me today.. HE WASNT MAKING UP for last year, the difference was I was here in California with him now. He could get sex now, and mostly attention! He put on a show, cuz my sister, and her friends were here celebrating. He looks like such a great BF, giving diamonds and shit! And lucky him, he gets some great bday sex too ;) Hell he even said it to me in my ear...Ohhh I wanna shove all this stuff he gave me straight up his ass, but I cant cuz it got thrown away, and the necklace ..SOLD. Take that you attention whore! ((HUGS BLUEWORLD))

#5 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #19)

spinning

Cha Ching Savegaia!!!

I hope you enjoyed yourself with the money! You are waking up! This is fantastic to see! Keep it up!!!! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING AT THE OUTSTANDING PROGRESS!

spinning

#6 Nov 29 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

Gaia

Happy Xmas to me !! ;)

Thanks Spinning dear! :D I sadly didnt get much, guess he didnt spend that much on me. LOL But, I took my self to a concert , of an artist he was SOOOOO jealous of (Brandon Boyd of Incubus!) and loved every minute of it. I didnt think a wink about that arse. HAH HAHHAH!! he funded my entertainment with a man, that I adore, yes it felt GREAT!! Big hugs dearest ! SG

#7 Nov 29 - 10AM

Goldie

They only "appear to bond" to suck you in

He may have been mildy interested in the childhood stuff at the time because of course.....it was all about him and an obvious way to suck you in, no brainer there for him. The notion that he is disordered and his Mom is a cad is not something he will entertain with you now, why bother, it worked and he got what he wanted for a time. He will only blame his Mom when it suits him. When she is not being good supply and as soon as she fixes something for him or gives him money, support whatever, she is A Okay is his book. Until the next time she says NO or pisses him off and then she is the "bad one." Hmmmm sounds like how they treat us. No surprises there, narcs have NO loyalty to anyone. Either you are feeding the horse and good supply or you are not and bad supply. Simple enough to them. It is us who complicates who and what they are. They have no confusion about it. To a narc, life is a playground for new supply and either you are with them or against them. The rest is your problem as far as they are concerned. Once you GET THIS, you are on your way to a full recovery. They do not change their stories per se, they tailor make up their stories to fit the occasion. They are cons, manipulators, a circus act. ACT is the key word here. They are who you want them to be in the luring in honeymoon stage and to keep you as good supply and when the show is over, why bother. Then they say "whatever" to hurt you and discard you, until they run low on supply and then say that they did not mean any of that bad talk, just the good stuff. Recovery is about NOT believing the words and looking towards their actions. If this was a well known con artist who had conned many out of thousands of dollars and he came to you to try and get your money, you would be able to say NO, I won't give you my money because I know that you are a con, get lost. We'll call him con A and your con/con B. The same holds true here, you know he is a PD, he says a bunch of shit to suck you in, discards you, and then possibly at some point, he denies it all because he is low on supply and you believe, the new improved lie's now because YOU want to believe. Now WHY would you believe a word of any of it? Con artist A and con artist B are both con's, the ONLY difference is that you have feelings for con artist B. The solution is to work on you and your feelings and what brought you to the con in the first place. Trying to work on him is a complete waste of your time. There are NO answers or solutions to be found there. Would you try to "cure" "fix" "analyze" or "understand the Con A??? It is all lie's because you are dealing with a con who wears a mask. He is a master con artist and his supply are his puppets, pure and simple. So, the honeymoon stage is a lie, the D&D is a lie, and the hoovering is a lie. This is NOT a reflection on you and your worth and value. This is a reflection on him and his lack of value and worth. God bless, Goldie

#8 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

Gaia

I cant stop reading this!

I think I need to copy and put this on my desk to see everyday! LOL You are so right about : He will only blame his Mom when it suits him. When she is not being good supply and as soon as she fixes something for him or gives him money, support whatever, she is A Okay is his book. Until the next time she says NO or pisses him off and then she is the "bad one." TRUE!! She is always rescuing him, giving him loans of cash, letting him live with her rent free, she cooks for him too. I introduced him to an "organic diet", he ran home to mommy and told her " Look Mom, I am eating healthy now, I found a new organic diet!" Did he ever say he discovered this with me? NO. Or there were numerous things I would show him, and he would say he thought of it to him mommy. Not that I want huge accolades, it was just an observation, and a mild irritant. I bet everything he told me he did in his past, was either stolen from someone else, no credit for them. But, yes his mother definitely still calls the shots with him- he said he use to defend me to his mom, ANOTHER LIE I am sure! I remember a time, when I lived with them ( what a nightmare) talk about walking around on broken glass. I heard them speaking in the kitchen while I was in bed, I went to listen, and they always spoke in vietnamese, so I couldnt understand. But a few phrases they spoke english and he was talking about me. Saying, stuff like "Mom, she makes me this way, she is doing this"..etc etc. He swore he never slanders me behind my back, and called me paranoid a lot! And then, when OW said to me that he never talked badly behind my bad, but he would subtly tell her he was just having troubles with me. What the hell do I believe? Everything was so CONFUSING! The last text he wrote OW in Florida, was "I wont put anyone before her" (meaning me)..was that suppose to be a compliment? He even sent me the text to show they were just "friends" and he wasnt putting OW before me. I didnt even know what to think after that. I of course told him, that I believed him since he texted that , but he said that wont change anything your still not allowed to come back to me unless you change your way of thinking! I am like :SAY WHAT??...HUH??? INSANITY.

#9 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

Gaia

Damn Goldie!! :)

That is POWERFUL STUFF!! Thank you thank you and thank you! That was a real eye-opener for me, not that I wasnt getting he is FAKE as a 3 dollar bill. But, the way you compared con a/con b was groundbreaking. I think this eased some of my hurt, and anger. I got conned. Plan and simple. And I agree with everyone that tells me, that I have to find a way to understand why I allowed it, or didnt see it. I know this may sound stupid, but I liked being innocent, its like I can never go back and be innocent anymore. I am not a narc virgin anymore..HA! There were times towards the end, my gut was telling me this was all fake, and he kept giving me money, doing everything for me, washing my car, run errands..he was SO generous, and I kept taking and taking, but I didnt even care anymore because I felt I was getting used ,and didnt want to admit it to myself. So I felt I could get even, but keep taking all he gave me, use HIM for sex..money..etc. But, ultimately I felt gross for doing it, and felt I was creating bad karma for myself. So, I walked away. I couldnt be him, and keep using. I guess thats why my family says I am wrong,because I had everything in a man, my mom said, you have a man that pays all your bills and is very attentive to you. What the hell is wrong with you to let him get away?? They dont realize that there was no depth, and no emotional anything. Bless you Goldie :)

#10 Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

Used

goldie

THIS REALY IS BRILLIANT... You have told it exactly like it is.... THEY STOP MAKING THE EFFORT, COS THEIR JOB IS DONE... THEY COULDNT CARE LESS IF YOU STAY OR GO, YOU HAVE SERVED YOUR PURPOSE... YOU HAVE PUT THIS SO WELL, THAT IT HAS MOVED ME. DAY BECOMES NIGHT, NIGHT BECOMES DAY WITH THEM... IT HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT WHO WE WERE, ITS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT WHO THEY ARE!!!!!!!BRAVO GOLDIE..XX

#11 Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

spinning

Wow, Goldie! This is so outstanding

I have to reiterate it here... "Either you are feeding the horse and good supply or you are not and bad supply. Simple enough to them. It is us who complicates who and what they are. They have no confusion about it. To a narc, life is a playground for new supply and either you are with them or against them. The rest is your problem as far as they are concerned. Once you GET THIS, you are on your way to a full recovery. They do not change their stories per se, they tailor make up their stories to fit the occasion. They are cons, manipulators, a circus act. ACT is the key word here. They are who you want them to be in the luring in honeymoon stage and to keep you as good supply and when the show is over, why bother. Then they say "whatever" to hurt you and discard you, until they run low on supply and then say that they did not mean any of that bad talk, just the good stuff. Recovery is about NOT believing the words and looking towards their actions...." This is NOT a reflection on you and your worth and value. This is a reflection on him and his lack of value and worth." The hard-boiled truth in a few sentences. Amazing! I so needed to read this outstanding reminder. It is so good it is actually EMPOWERING! Thank you! It's awesome!!! Love, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW MY VALUE AND THAT HE HAS ABSO-F'N-LOUTELY NONE!

spinning

#12 Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

Layla

Agreed!

I feel like we should all be standing behind goldie clapping and singing in choir robes....preach it sister!! Haha!! Excellent! love~ Layla

#13 Nov 29 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Used

layla

FOR GOLDIE,S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW AND SO SAY ALL OF US...HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

#14 Nov 29 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

spinning

Sista's, add my voice...

Goldie nailed it again! Brilliant! A big shout out...Layla, love your visual about the robes and clapping...wish we were all together to celebrate our EMPOWERMENT THROUGH KNOWLEDGE!! Thank you, Goldie! Love, (not) spinning BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH TO SPIN FOR A HOLLOW SHELL!

spinning

#15 Nov 29 - 10AM

empath

savegaia

Savegaia, there is a bond...read up on "trauma bonds". There is an excellent book by Patrick J. Carnes called"The Betrayal Bond". Not an easy read by any means however it will help you to understand how your childhood wounds can be exploited and reinjured in your adult relationships and how this keeps you in an unconscious loop of suffering. I found that book to be enlightening enough to make it worth the pain of reading it. Stay NC no matter what else you do and keep yourself safe. This forum is always here when you feel the urge to break NC...come here instead of succumbing to an old familiar pattern of seeking comfort from your abuser, comfort which you will never get from them. Your strength and comfort is within yourself...keep reading until you discover that. :-) Stay strong.

#16 Nov 29 - 9AM

TNR1

Hey SG, instead of trying to

Hey SG, instead of trying to understand him and why he is doing what he is doing, I would recommend you find a therapist to work with regarding your issues about your dad. If you don't, you are likely to be attracted to the exact same type of guy in the future. I know you probably know this in your head but you can't fix a childhood wound by finding someone who has the same traits. If your dad wasn't able to give you what you needed...then it is very likely that a man who has similiar traits won't be able to either. That is why it is important to address that wound with a therapist who can help you to heal yourself. Also, and this is important to know so that you don't get yourself caught up in a swirl of blaming yourself...just as he can't address your wound, you can't address his wound. He would need to seek a therapist as well...but if he truly is a Narc...it is likely he doesn't truly want to address his wound at all. That is one of the sad truths about Narcs..they really are committed to not changing, even though they may say a thousand times that they want to.

#17 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Gaia

Thank you everyone ..

I really wish I could afford a therapist, I definately agree that I have issues from childhood he exploited. And god knows, i DO NOT want anyone else to do that to me. I feel like hiding, not dating, not talking to anyone outside of this forum. I feel like I do not have the tools to protect myself. I dont even trust myself with picking men. ARGGG. Talk about frustrating! I have made it my top priority to find help, and thats why I stay here with you all, you are my rock in the storm. ((HUGS))

#18 Nov 29 - 7AM

Hunter

I told you this guy has MAJOR

I told you this guy has MAJOR mommy issues.. Really... What's so attractive about a criminal who lives with mommy.. Sounds like "Norman Bates" to me... Yuck.. And this is who you want to email? Leave " Master Bates" to do just that... Read the book .. Get it today.. It's your homework assignment.. It should cure you.. Hunter

#19 Nov 29 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

Gaia

Lol hunter!

Im on it! I ordered the book online last night, can't wait to read it! I must have some bad daddy issues to put up with his abuse. Thanks hunter, love ya! SG xx

#20 Nov 29 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

After you read it I'd love to

After you read it I'd love to have your feedback.. It really helped me.. My mom is a crazy woman .. The root of my problem.. Again why we get involved comes from within us.. Hunter

#21 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Gaia

Hunter..I

I definitely will give you my feedback , My dad was a psychopath, and my mom is his mirror image after YEARS of abuse. i could write a damn book too, my family secrets are straight out a hollywood horror. I definitely agree that the issues in me, caused me to bond to the con. He was just like my dad, my dad conned everyone, his life was a complete LIE. And his children were just tokens of his lies. He either doted on us in public, or destroyed us behind closed doors. No wonder I attract dyfunction. I hate to admit it, but I have to. I was caught up being the rescuer/scapegoat , that was my family role. And if I didnt rescue my whole family, I was the perpetrator...to abused and discarded. I know that I have daddy issues with him (xN), and I brought out his mommy issues. He abused me, and raged on me as if he saw me as him mommy. And I did the same. It must have been toxic to start, but we stayed and kept going..I always want to see the bright side in life, and think this was the eye opener we needed, but some how I believe he doesnt care to open his eyes, but I DO! I know I have issues, because lately during my NC,everytime I accomplish something, like I am finishing school, and sticking to it, I want to call him to hear he is proud of me, but that is something deep that resonates with my childhood, with my father. He never was proud of me, maybe I am searching for that. I tell myself I am proud of me, all the time. but there is a hole, something missing, its parental love and support I never got. Oh dear, I am sorry for the therapy session. I just start typing away, and not realizing I am writing a novel! Thank you for being here Hunter. :)

#22 Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

We all want love an

We all want love an validation.. That's normal.. I have mommy issues she is a mean crazy woman.. Yes just once it would be nice to hear.. Honey you did a good job.. I'm fortunate because my Dad( how he puts up with her I have no idea) was always and still is my cheerleader.. It comes a point in time to accept things as they are.. He will never be on your side as my mom won't for me.. It is what it is.. The good news is you have the tools to make a great life for you.. We have learned a hard lesson.. Look into ourself not to another.. Hunter

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