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I think im on my way....

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#1 Nov 20 - 3PM
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

I think im on my way....

He texted me friday night. It said "hey, what are you up to?" So typical. Here it is, almost midnight on a friday night.... I know he was hoping i would respond and that I would have just jumped at hooked up with him for the night. (with no notice, as always, he always told me "I never make plans.") there was a time when I would get a text like this and the butterflies would start flying in my stomach because this fabulous, gods gift to women was wanting to see me. Lucky me, how privileged I was! But all of this research and reading and learNing......it has killed the high I would normally experience. Its so crazy but I can no longer view him as a real human beig. Its more like an evil entity....a con man. I see every attempt by him as a manipulation to get something. I don't feel all torn up inside like i felt after his last hoover attempt. I don't know if this is indifference I am feeling or numbness. But i don't have the sick feeling anymore when i think of him with ow. I only feel sick when i think back at how long I allowed him to hurt and use me. The anger is gone, i pity him now. I ignored his text. It wont be the last either. I just realize i want more than crumbs of crap. I am definitely making progress. Feels good.

Nov 20 - 10PM
empath
empath's picture

when they text you like that...

Keep in mind, these disordered creatures may actually be with someone else at that very moment they are calling or texting and playing games with you. After a lot of painful research to make sense of my situation, I had posted here about "eroticized rage" and "sexualized anger"...it made a lot of puzzle pieces fall into place for me about how the N "played games" with women...texting one while on the way to see another, etc. The N I was with was truly a misogynist...I don't know why I did not pay more attention to the red flags, including his comments about his own daughter "becoming a bitch like all other women." A misogynistic N with eroticized rage issues...they get off on being duplicitous, it is a sexual thrill for them to use one OW to avenge another. How disappointed I was to learn his true motivation for all of that "passion". While I was feeling love and lust for him, he was feeling anger and contempt for all women...including me. His "enjoyment" of sex had nothing to do with sex, it had everything to do with him feeling like he was being cruel to whomever else he wasn't with at that moment, and whom he felt had wronged him in some way.
Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
faith_
faith_'s picture

empath, that is so sad and

empath, that is so sad and strikes such a chord. yes. I'm remembering things that happened as I'm reading what you wrote, and it makes so much sense.
Nov 20 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

empath

MY EXPERIENCE EXACTLY! I love that you said "it is a sexual thrill for them to use one OW to avenge another." When I met up with OW..we talked about everything.. and a lot of the sexual stuff he was doing with me were things she would not allow. He totally took all of it out on me!!!!! Mine begged me for DAYS to chew tobacco claiming he thought it would be "hot." He told me he wouldn't kiss me if I didn't do it. I didn't. When I met up with OW and told her this.. her jaw hit the floor. She said he had been there for her through her grandfathers death during his last dying breathe. He had passed away from throat/sinus cancer that he got from chewing tobacco. She told him that if he chewed tobacco she wouldn't kiss him. What a sicko!!!!
Nov 20 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
empath
empath's picture

gravity

Yes, that's the kind of sickness that motivates them. Their rage is expressed through their sexual behavior...through their conquests, through their flirting, through their triangulation of OW, through their weird fantasies. I struggled much with this, right before I bottomed out with the N. I was playing right into his sickness. We had a very intense sexual encounter that he kept referring to, letting me know he was daydreaming about incessantly...and it struck me as odd, because while it was definitely intense, it was not exactly what I would have listed as even being in the "top 3", if we were keeping score. What made it so amazing for him was that it was precipitated by an argument with his wife, and he avenged himself by taking it all out on, or rather fucking it all out on, me. Sick is not a strong enough word to express how wrong that is. And I went right along with it, because it was passionate and intense and I was aware that his wife was cruel to him and having been through my own painful marriage, I believed he was justified in seeking comfort outside of his marriage. He and I ha carried on a crazy hypersexual affair for 5 of the 6 years that we knew each other, and it was neatly hidden within a professional relationship which made it all that more complicated to understand the many ways in which he was just using me as his emotional airbag, and at times, even using me as bait to gain new supply. Very sick, very disordered, and I don't want to know any more about the depth of his depravity and deceitfulness. He is a contemptuous, seething, miserable person and I hope someday to be able to forgive myself for ever falling for his "poor me" act and for ever having had a moment of thinking that his wife or any other OW was unkind to him. I am sure they got as caught up in his game as I did, and I thank God that at least I was able to extract myself from his harem. His poor wife who is so "cruel" to him, is not that fortunate. He always said he would never leave her, and now I understand why...it would not only tarnish his image as a stable family man, it would also destroy his libido!
Nov 20 - 9PM
freaked
freaked's picture

Just to remind

Just to remind ourselves...RABID DOGS WILL BARK RABIDLY We need not respond.. rather..we must carry a stick to chase them away...else they will bite us..and we become rabid too. I am THROUGH with the narc 100% today. I continue to reside in the narc's shitpan as i don't yet have the means to support myself financially...but I am enveloped in an angelic white light that Protects. It is the Strengthening of my Mind and Psyche. I would not even care to spit on him anymore...yuck
Nov 20 - 9PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Victim-no-more

YAYYY!! You are DEFINITELY on the right track! That's how I feel now. I used to get butterflies too.. until I found out that he probably was sending the same text to about 10 other women and seeing who would respond. Soooooooo sad that they need their ego to be fed 24-7. They are empty shells of "people." You are a victim NO MORE!
Nov 20 - 9PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Great VNM!

You are on the right track! No more crumbs! You desevre better!
Nov 20 - 7PM
WiltedRose
WiltedRose's picture

I feel the same way

about Narc, to the point of referring to him as "non-human". And evil is definitely a big part of that.
Nov 20 - 6PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Good for you. Stay

Good for you. Stay strong! Nan

Nan

Nov 20 - 6PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Well done

You are definitely making great strides in your progress. Keep it up gf. Dee x
Nov 20 - 4PM
faith_
faith_'s picture

The nerve, is all I have to

The nerve, is all I have to say. Good for you!
Nov 20 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Keep the Buzz alive!! Hunter

Keep the Buzz alive!! Hunter