I think I hate men now

I used to be really sweet and innocent. Now I have these horrible thoughts... Its been going on since the divorce. I feel like a narc about men (only men). I have no empathy... Sometimes, when one rubs me the wrong way because of how he looks (there was this guy last semester in my sociology class who's neck bothered me for some reason so much and I used to dream about punching him the face), I want to spit on them.
When they hit on me, which happens daily at school, I laugh at them, ridicule them, and sometimes I go out of my way to shame them. Then there are the ones who are 'useful', I use them then discard them. I have fantasies about going through my life destroying men. Its scaring me.
I told my psychologist about it-maybe we should talk about it more. She seemed undisturbed.
This sucks so bad. I feel so horrible about it, but I have been hurt by any man I ever loved, including my dad. They just make me sick. Women, on the other hand, I love. I hate to see them in pain or hurting. ugh...

Journey's picture

It sounds to me to be a natural, though extreme reaction to the abuse you've endured taken beyond healing to wanting revenge by hurting back - and obsessively so. You said you used to always be really sweet and innocent. The anger and hate you are expressing now by punishing EVERY man is misplaced and out of control, just like a volcano that had pressure building until it violently erupts and spews lava and ash everywhere indiscriminately. I definitely think this is something to keep addressing with your psychologist. The lack of empathy and retaliation you are exhibiting sounds like a knee jerk reaction to the abuse you have suffered from, which if you do not reconcile in a healthy way, might end up causing you more serious damage than that of your abusers :( For now, take a deep breath when these urges occur and know two wrongs will not make a right - ever!! Journey on...

Journey on...

Briseis's picture

Why do you mistreat the men at school, when they aren't the ones who have let you down or abused you? They just see a pretty girl, they are just responding to you naturally. You have some part in this. It's not that you are just this "victim" of men. This is true for all of us, by the way.
Hunter's picture

All I can say is you need to focus on you. Once you find peace with that the rest will fall into place. I'm 43 years old I've struggled with issues my whole life. I had my act together at last. My Narc made it his mission to destroy me. He tried and for a short time accomplished this. If I didn't have a past with him I wod have never been backed into his corner. As I live there are few, men and women who you can rely on. You have a whole life ahead of you. Life it. Don't rely on that Hollywood ending. You are writing your own script. Make it to the Oscars, imconfident you will. If you are positive, positive will follow. Idealk
neverlookback's picture

Dont let one disturbed man destroy the fact that there still are good, decent men that exist. Your trust in the opposite sex has been shattered as well as mine. I feel as you do almost every man that I have loved has been abusive. I talked to my counselor about that and he said because you are giving, enabler to a certain degree you are going to run into men that take advantage of that, but there are many men who dont take advantage. There are many men who would love nothing more than to have a woman that treats them well, it works both ways you know. I quit putting my hopes and dreams in finding a perfect partner. I try to focus on treating myself well these days. I dont have a personal revenge for men, if they are jerks I dont bother with them they are invisible to me, just flick them off like flies. If they show respect, honesty, I will treat them with the same consideration. I am not interested at all in anything intimate, I have too many things to mend.