i think i am now angry

today i realize how much of the three years was nothing to him, nothing ! i had a whole different reality bending over backwards, changing, rearranging, adjusting, sacraficing, forgiving, forgetting, ignoring, taking blame, taking the heat, being thrown, choked, grabbed, name calling, compulsive lying, emotional cheating

coming to him to talk, because it was so uncomfortable not working it out....only to have it not worked out
him...getting better and better at the game he was playing because i in a different reality gave him...explained to him..EVERYTHING I NEEDED AND WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE

to fix heal deal the problems
but nothing resolved
pain didnt go away
truths didnt come out

and if anyting did it was thrown back into my face a million times later

everything, job losses, family issues, failure to be this big huge performer and have a demo album, lossing friends, lack of money, stress, his unhappyiness, not having freedom, im controling him, he cant even talk to another girl

the MotherF*cker was doing everything and anything he wanted the whole time and made me ME feel bad when i questioned ANYTHING

and what did i do??? im sorry!! please forgive me!! talk to me!! what did i do or didnt do?! im sorry your other relationships cheated and lied to you im not doing that to you!!

i comforted him after he bashed me! name called me! hurt me!

its all about him!!! it always was and i was such a loving trusting caring open communicating never lying playing games cheating emotionally or physically i was OPEN and i beleived i WAS recieving or would recieve the same thing

NO WONDER I AM SO EMPTY ANGRY AND IN PAIN

i got no closure no
"im sorry i used you lied to you all the time on purpose stole from you put my hands on you accidently killed your dog never stood up for you forced you to have two abortions drug you with me all over the state and then to vegas, posted you on cheaters sites, never stopped getting girls numbers or lying to you about everything all the time everyday, used you or played with you deliberately knowing you loved me with all your heart and ripped yourself apart trying to get me to just respect you!!!!!!!

talked shit about you to my family when all the blame is on me, never was there for you never really cared what happened to you, scared you, threatened you, broke your heart, mind fucked you, isolated you and made you feel bad for every single thing that went wrong..made you give up your friends when i kept mine..always flirted, lied where i was and who i was with, berated you, made you practically earn sex and then blame you when i want it and you didnt want to give it up, accusing you constantly of cheating or lying..

telling you i hate you and i have found another who is better then you that gives me everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO of course not i wont hear a ffn thing. GOD I HATE HIM!!!!

ruby01's picture

It's all sooo true! If I attempted to resolve a problem, he would say, "Do you really have to rehash this again?" Okay, no it will never get resolved, because you are NEVER wrong. THE END
alicat's picture

That sounds EXACTLY what I went through! WOW! We dated 2 years. He lived with me! He decided to leave because I was the crazy one when in reality he did all those things you mentioned. He was physically abusive too. He said at times he was defending himself! Oh yeah right! A 6 foot 2 man who needed to defend himself! I was actually thinking of things off and on today that got me angry as well. Thanks for sharing!!!!
Journey's picture

This anger is good news Blueworld!! Damn right you should feel angry about all you've been through with him! He has been so selfish and has been cruelly manipulative and hurtful toward you... NO MORE! I'm glad you are seeing this truth now and not feeling like YOU did this to yourself. Staying through the abuse is hard to accept, that we could allow it, but that is PART of the effect of being abused. The manipulation and brainwashing inhibits our instincts to remove ourselves, to care more about ourselves than to let it continue. Get it out, your anger is healthy, just don't let it take over your common sense to act on it. Scream, rage, vent - do what you must, but do it safely and NOT to the narc, as that will not help YOU. The anger stage is a natural stage, beyond that comes more peaceful healing! (hugs)

Journey on...

blueworld's picture

the part that is a confusing sense of happtiness and regret is that i D&D'd him. I got sick of his lying caught him texting and threw his ass not only out of the place we were living with a friend but it forced him to go to his moms house in another state the only STUPID STUPID STUPID thing i did was remained contact and bought a plane ticket for his return which he then promptly ignored me 7 days and then I CALLED HIM and he said im not coming im happier then i have ever been everyone here loves me you need counseling i never loved you i hate you i dont ever want to see you again your the abusive one your the angry one your the liar the cheater i found someone who already wants to give me everything and supports my music no one likes you my family hates you and wants nothing to do with you get your shit and maybe ill take you to redrobin or something afterwards but call first give me a warning MOTHERF*CKER!!!! i fell to pieces screaming crying begging pleading him then i said really mean hurtful shit back then he hung up on me and i blew his phone up with hateful things pulled myself together called verizon and blocked him and blocked him from everything else excpet when i got a email for youtube and clicked the mf link and saw he had a new gf and everything that he said about her and how lucking in love they are and that its perfect and his family adores her i wanted to KILL MYSELF!!!! no contact for a little over a month now i did it. i did the NC.
rosedewittbukater's picture

Good for you! Get your shit and maybe I'll take you to Red Robin?! Go fuck yourself! Made you get two abortions and accidentally killed your dog? Wow this new GF is one lucky lady...NOT You did the right thing! No regrets! It's only a matter of time before she sees this monster's true colors. Stay strong. Anger is good as long as you have safe outlets, and this is one. xx, Rose