I THINK I AM HAVING A BREAKDOWN

no to breakdowns, you are not having a breakdown what you read is breaking your heart, as for the perverted side of them, i was in a platonic narc and i was wait for it THE MADONNA, but i still got the verbal versions of the perverted behavior and if we were a couple, what he would do to me and what he would expect me to do, i cant even write the details b/c i will then think i was only friends and i would let him talk to me like that, he too said he loved me[i wasent impressed b/c by now i knew he didnt] but i still thought how could you want someone you love to sink to those depths, so they all say it b/c they dont love us and dont know any thing about love, my feeling is nlb, you are blaming your self FOR WHAT? LOVING SOMEONE AS YOU SO LOVED HIM, well dont, i would rather LOVE even if it caused me pain, than be these souless, bloodsucking nothings. as for the puppy, last week i held a 3day old baby, and thought i shouldnt be holding this little innocent after consorting with that piece of garbage for so long, we have to FORGIVE OUR SELVES, not them, just our selves, i have said b/f i love all your posts, but i will tell you now they are what has kept me grounded. if i am going out and might see him[he lives near me] i come on here and read some of your posts and think right used out you go now to fight the good fight.love usedxxxxx

Listen to me NLB. As I cried my head off in the shower last night after seeing "Water for Elephants" and making love to the husband that I can only go near if I think of the narc, I realized something. I have been blaming myself for everything, as all of you here well know because I post things like that constantly here - self-blame for the demise of the relationship with N. And as I cried I thought of the Primary ex N who destroyed what is left of my career, my rage exploding over the end of my singing youth and career youth that I spent my WHOLE LIFE working on, my father's abuse, other men that ruined me in one way or another including being date-raped as the way I lost my virginity. And what I want to say is this: as I cried the tears became rage which i am not good at and it hit me like a ton of bricks, that this is a machine that is much bigger than all of us here, this never-ending and biblically-old abuse of women. It finally hit me that I really am a victim, that I did NOT ask for any of this - ANY of this, G-damnit. I was born, that's it! And I got the fucking life beaten out of me, sucked out of me in every possible way and just in plain English, taken away from me. It's true. It really happened like that and it happens to women every day, all over the world, for centuries that never seem to end. So you and I and all of us here, have to stand up and one day stop blaming ourselves and realize that we did not ask for this. We talk alot about being co-dependent here and I don't want to minimize that. But I will gladly, GLADLY challenge any woman here who wants to argue that our co-dependency issues are what got us to these boards. I will tell them this: our co-dependency issues were created by men. Now go out NLB, depressed as all fucking get-out and know, and take in, that you did not ask for this - not your husband's abause, not the narc's abuse - not ANY abuse. i love you and I am here with you.

So sorry you are feeling so much pain. I've read your helpful posts to other people and can tell you are a caring person. Sometimes when I read posts like yours and then look at the string of responses, I wish we could all just meet somewhere for a big group hug. There is decency in this world - we found it here on this site. Just know that we're all thinking of you and hoping that this too will pass and tomorrow will be brighter for you. SC

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE HE CANT! Those are just the facts NLB. You have read enough to know that. Im sure if he werent disordered he we would have loved you. I mean who wouldnt right? Thats what all the confusion is. This man should love you but he cant. He just cant. The things this creature had done to you are horrendous! and while I was not a victim of all the sexual perversion I am here to tell you that they still treat you like shit even if your the Madonna. The live in GF gets treated like shit everyday and there is no way she knows nothing. SHE KNOWS! she is just trying to turn the other cheek because its too painful. Trust me I have been this person and I knew and I didnt want to believe it but I knew. You see its the ones that they marry or live with i.e the main ones that receive the most disrespect. All the whispers and the strange looks everyone knowing that your boyfriend or husband sleeps around on you. Day after Day. I hate to say this but the worst thing these people can do to you is marry you. To them that is the ultimate disrespect. You see when the marry you they think you deserve their disrespect. So much so that they think you are stupid enough to stick around for it. They only marry someone they know will take their shit over and over. How ironic is this they marry someone probably that they disrespect the most. Its just a fact of thier ironic Paradoxical lives. A good example of this is Jaycee (nothing against you Jaycee just trying to demonstrate that they dont treat their wives any better) She has been married to that pig for 24 years and look how he has repeatedly disrespected her over and over. Do you really think he treats her (the gf) so well? Im tellin ya he doesnt and I bet Jaycee would be happy to verify that. I was the main girl and in front of others he acted so proud of me but in private it was a different matter. Thats just the way it is with these people. I have finally realized the worse the d and d the more they thought of you. I ask my therapist last session. Why me? Why me? he has so many other x girl friends he could have done this to. Why did he have to pick me. She kind of giggled in a very matter of fact tone and said well... because your pretty and successful. Why not you? is a better question. My guess is nlb is that he has repeatedly degraded you because he thought alot of you in the beginning that gives them alot of anxiety which translates into lack of control so they know they have to do something to gain the upper hand. For those of you who married them. I mean no disrespect. The fact is no one deserves the treatment this individuals dish out. Absolutely no one!

Quite the opposite. You are awake now and feeling your feelings and that is why it hurts. It may take a long time, but when this is over you will be fully ALIVE again. You had not been that with him, nobody can be that around a N. Unlike him you are a human being that is able to love and feel passion and, naturally, to suffer as you are doing now. Whether he regarded you as you call it as his whore or lover or whatever is meaningless. People are objects, tools. Someone else here said she was the wife and got the same. I was the girfriend for ages and as he hoped would be wife and got the same. Sure, we can have that forever and ever. Just snap your fingers, he'll come running. We do not want that, none of it. Because you and I and everyone here deserves love and respect.

I screamed bloody freakin murder really loud in my car by myself on the ride home from work today because I am so full of anger! That's just not normal.

I really dont want you to feel this way, you shouldnt feel this way, i pissed they dont feel this way, all they want is what they want and to hurt others and it sucks, they should feel this way. no us.....its not fair, hold your head up high and know that you are too good for him, fuck him, fuck the gf and prance around like you are all that and a bag of chips, because you are.......you are not having a breakdown, you are letting him break you down, as i do mine, every single day and im sick of it, fucking sick of the way he treats me. like im sloppy seconds and his ow is something to write home about. let him have her, i cant stop it, and im not going to stop living, yes, im dying inside because my husband is living around the block with his ow, and i feel humiliated, but the world knows he a fucking piece of shit, their world, them and their fucking gym steroid rats think theyre so great, well, let them all shoot up together i cant stop them, so let their little circle of friends all bask in their glory........fuck them all, and you need to send this motherfucker to hell once and for all, if you do it, i will.......they are not worth the mud under our sneakers, they are worthless pos...........feel better you are better than this......xoxo jaycee

We are all in the same boat! yep, all a F'n lie! Awesome isn't it! You have to work through this! I know you will! What exactly do you miss? His limp Dick? His barking orders? Tell me? Focus on all the negative, my guess is there is not a whole lot of positive! My whack job is no different, tortured me for 20 years, but it's all my fault! You do love that's why it hurts, you were emotionally raped! You know what I think, get a little puppy, thegive you the love you deserve and don't expect much In return, it's a start, take a weekend and do something fun! You said it yourself," it's not worth it! Move on hunter" I think you ate a pretty special woman! I don't talk to losers! :) get your groove back! Hunter

Nlb I must say that article sent me into a rage but I'm thankful you posted it. While I did not suffer the sexual perversion and abuse the boredom thing is what got me as I always knew the minute things would be going really well and we were settling into a routine that he would soon be off screwing around. And this time once he knew he had hooked me and we started making plans to be together the d and d s began. He got bored married girl (me) was no longer interesting. Hurting me became interesting

Nlb I must say that article sent me into a rage but I'm thankful you posted it. While I did not suffer the sexual perversion and abuse the boredom thing is what got me as I always knew the minute things would be going really well and we were settling into a routine that he would soon be off screwing around. And this time once he knew he had hooked me and we started making plans to be together the d and d s began. He got bored married girl (me) was no longer interesting. Hurting me became interesting

Nlb I must say that article sent me into a rage but I'm thankful you posted it. While I did not suffer the sexual perversion and abuse the boredom thing is what got me as I always knew the minute things would be going really well and we were settling into a routine that he would soon be off screwing around. And this time once he knew he had hooked me and we started making plans to be together the d and d s began. He got bored married girl was no longer interesting. Hurting her became interesting

don't give in five minutes before the miracle happens there will be a day when we wake up and don't think of him, when we find joy & happiness in our lives again. THEY will never find joy or happiness in anything, ever. They will never know true love, either. Hang in there, one day at a time, it will get better

hi please dont give up......i know its hard ....i am only 6 weeks into the latest breakup from my one ....this will be the 7th breakup ....its a living hell ..and your friends and family dont understand ....i dont know if this will help but every time i miss him ..( approx every 5 mins :) ) i reiterate to myself what he really is and as soon as i get a chance i go on the net and read every available piece of information that there is ...and i force myself to see what he is ...kind of like re-brainwashing if u like ...i have to constantly recite that this was not my fault ...like a mantra ...and every day i look for one positive thing to happen to me ...to prove that the human race is not like him ...could be something small like a person smiling at u or letting u go through the door first ...anything ....i dont feel at the min ...just kind of numb inside but am forcing myself to remember what it was like to feel ...for myself and others ...the tears still come and the nightmares are ever present ...but i keep telling myself that this is only a period that i have to go through and i have been through worse ...you have to believe that u can and will get through this ...using every and any means at your disposal...this is the 3rd abusive relationship that i have to get over and have promised myself it will be the last NO MORE ...he was by far the worse ...althoughn the other 2 were no picnic...please give yourself time to heal and accept how u r feeling ..and just try ton cure the symptoms of what ever ur body and mind r throwing at u ...untill u feel ready to tackle the root problem ...u can do this ...and u are not going to have a break down ...if that were the case u wouldnt have asked for help u would have just had it ...ur brain has been fried and ur soul raped ...treat ur self kindly ...u deserve it ...good luck..xxx

Hey neverlookback Sorry you are feeling down today. Please be patient and kind to yourself - this is a process. A long process. As much as we would all like to fast forward to the end - we can't. You wrote " what I need at this time is for you to HELP ME ACCEPT what he is and what I never will change" "Let us accept the things we cannot change"! Amen to that! Easier said than done. We are not guaranteed anything in this life and we may have future relationships that fail. We also may have future relationships that work out because we picked a much better partner that loved, cared and respected us and became stronger with our own boundaries. (?) is there light at the end of this tunnel -for you? I guess it all depends = on us! YOU are in charge of your own healing work and we all support you here. Only You can help yourself do this act of ACCEPTING. It is your work NLB! We can all share with you but it is up to you to grieve and walk away from this relationship on your own terms for your own reasons/realizations of the REALITY that is offers you nothing (good). It may take a long time to get out of the mindf*cks they can sometimes leave us in. You must continue to read on NPD; if you are still thinking you can somehow change anyone other than yourself. You can only control You. We all have to accept that this didn't work out for us, and look at our own reasons why we need to divide up blame or the creative and absurd reasons why we were not 'good enough' to stay and continue to be used up. They accept none, why are you? Despite our best intentions we couldn't make it work out. Not more and no less than that. Start there. Accept you couldn't make it work on his terms and accept that it was BEST FOR YOU in the long run that this relationship ends...and start letting go. all the best!

Ok, I know that you are hurting right now and the last thing that I want to do is add to your pain. I would like to tell you from the wife's perspective. I was/am married to a psychopath for 25 years. We are currently divorcing. You have dodged a major bullet. I read the article that you posted and it really, really hurt reading it. The Narc/Psycho that I was with was all for humiliating me. every time that i went back to him he would humiliate me more (if that was possible) He did not love me ever! I can say that now without crying. (8 months NC) He had numerous affairs. He would disrespect me every single day. No one knew what hell i was living in because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I just endured his torture on a daily basis and put on a front in public. I have moved pst the anger stage and the stage of wanting him back but I want to tell you a few thing about my life with him. I was miserable. It felt like someone literally just put a tube in me and sucked the life out of me. My child was miserable from seeing me miserable. there was no light in our home only darkness. This sick bastard would call other women on the phone while having sex with me and ask them to join in. I wanted to just die right then and there. He would kick me or spit on me or punch me or try to strangle me if I caught him in one of his many lies or found out about an affair. he gave me an STD! He treated me as if he hated me and I was his enemy. Now I am out and I am doing so well. My child is thriving and told me that he does not want his father to come back and that his father showed him what type of father and husband not to be! I know how rough it is right now and I understand wanting to just die but please dig deep down in your soul and will yourself to live and to get better. I had to literally say every morning before I could get out of bed, ok God I just need you to help me put one foot in front of the other and I can take from there. I never thought that i would be able to break free from him but i did. I have a long way to go but i am never looking back. I released him to his own miserable life and at the same time I set myself free. I still have bad days but not so much anymore. When i do have a rough day I feel, deal and heal. I am here for you because i know how intense the pain is with these psychos. Peace! You will get better! I am proof of it. Just hang in there.

the damage, deep down damage they cause is horrendous. I have no words that are appropriate to make you feel better, except to keep looking for the joy...you will find it. I just wanted to check in and let you know I am here for you in mind and spirit, sending you good vibes and prayers and thoughts for self-healing, self-acceptance and clarity. You are a strong woman, though you don't feel it right now. Never forget that, NLB. You are wise to know the contact is a trigger. This guy is just a messed up mess. He tried to mess you up and it worked a little bit...he pulled out the most hurtful words, the true nature of himself to shake you up. But it's not who you are now and who you want to be, which is FREE. You'll see as more NC time goes by. Hugs to you and much love from, spinning (with anger today...these FREAKS should be eliminated from the face of the earth!)