I swear I will be single for the rest of my life . . . and I'm okay with that.

Hey ladies . . .

So, it's been almost a year for me since XN slithered away to NS, and I have been doing THE WORK. He's mostly an annoying gnat that won't seem to quite die completely and get out of my face (metaphorically speaking - meaning, thoughts of him still pop up from time to time).

I have not forgiven him and I still feel anger toward him and frustration on my end that I allowed him to abuse me for so long. That's where I'm at - and I keep working toward forgiveness and indifference and on MY issues that kept me stick in narcville for hellacious years.

THAT SAID - I met someone. Not a big deal, but we went and had a glass of wine one night and ended up chatting for 3 hours.

My douche bag/narc radar is on FULL ALERT and I scrutinize everything this guy says/does in any conversations we have. So far, nothing that makes me want to run. He can be alone and in fact seems to enjoy his down time by himself. He never, ever tries to get sexy in texts, hasn't asked me for any pix of my body parts ;) (XN asked for a pic of my down-there region very early on . . . FREAK). He doesn't have that weird "I'm gonna seduce you with my eyes" stare.

BUT - OMG. He seems nervous. Socially awkward, a bit. Is not "smooth." Asked for a pic - just of my face :) - one day, and said, "Thanks - have a great time in San Diego (where I was at the time)." And that's it. Ouch.

And now he's asked me out on a real date (read: dinner, drinks, walk on the beach, etc.) and I am completely not interested. Why? Because he seems like a boring, normal dude. Like a regular old nice guy . . . cute, a bit dense (like men can be sometimes, right?), slightly charming but there is nothing "bad boy" about him.

Grrrr. This is what's so frustrating . . . I feel like I will always feel a pull toward the douche bag narcs of this world and will not be attracted to decent men. So - I am obviously not yet ready to date.

Have any of you farther along actually 'changed' the type of man you're attracted to? This is what I hope to accomplish in the next year or two of therapy...

I will NEVER enter into any type of a relationship with anyone resembling a narc. EVER. So . . . I feel like I may very well be single the rest of my life. This is frustrating. :/

-Juliette