I still want to believe him sometimes, what is wrong with me?

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#1 Aug 25 - 6AM

jaycee

I still want to believe him sometimes, what is wrong with me?

I sometimes want to believe his bs sometimes, as if I am hoping even one word out of his mouth is the truth. I have know this man for twenty five years, what in the world would make me think anything he says is truth? Why do I desperately cling to the hope that he can tell the truth occasionally? I thought about all the bs he has thrown my way over the years and then noticed the little sidebar call Narcspeak, I went to it and I swear almost everything listed on that page was him. Every word he has said about anything over the years was listed there, not all exact, some kind of, but I almost fell off my chair laughing, but then, got so depressed knowing that he truly is a narc and is seriously damaged, and how damaged i am because of my relationship with him. He is a sick son of bitch. I can't imagine how anyone could be so cold and calculating, and have an alterior motive to everything they do and say. oh God it's scary, how did I get here, I mean, here, where I am in my life? Am I that stupid and so easily manipulated that I would have wasted twenty plus years loving a psychopath? I am really down, more so that i have been so gullible for so many years, now i am as damaged as he is. I cant even function properly, I look at people and think, are you lying too? I want to know how someone, like myself, very educated, used to be very vivacious and outgoing, had everything going for myself, could be sucked into such a mess, and now I have to deal with the fallout of finally at this age, getting rid of him, and still cant get rid of him, hes like a bad disease, cancerous. Someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with me?????

#2 Aug 25 - 8PM

Chloe

Read the book, "Malignant

Read the book, "Malignant Self Love," take from there the information it supplies. It is very interesting and speaks of the yin and the yang between the N and his narcissistic supply. There is a pathology here. No, you are not crazy and you are not pathological, but you have had 25 years with a man who has manipulated you. He has demeaned, devalued, humiliated, and punished you for just being YOU. Your job is to find out why you allow it. Why would you be attracted to this man and continue to stay with him for 25 years. Already you are on the road to recovery, as you are questioning and wanting to find the answers. They are there, keep reading.

#3 Aug 25 - 10AM

jen79

jaycee

though I was never married, and I am just 30 so I don't have any clue how it is to leave someone after 25 years, I think you are in the middle of obsessing. There is two things you can do. YOu don't fight the obsessive thoughts, and you give in till you say it is enough, I am sick of it - very painful. Or you refocus your mind by the help of others. Ask someone to help you, make a trip, even if you dont feel like, maybe with your son. YOu need to get some other experience, positive one, maybe go to the zoo (I did with my mom a few days ago). Clean your house, throw out old things...what ever, you need to give yourself a break.

#4 Aug 25 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

aceonelady

obssessing

Well i don't think jaycee is obssessing ...she is confused,sad,trying to organize what happenned in her head,because like me,she feels if she only could understand why...she could have peace,and don't feel used and abused and dumped like if you never existed...and you are right,you are 30 and never been with aman for 25 years....i was with my N 3 years and with my husband 28...but the NARC had more impact in my life and still does more then my husband ever did....so i think Jaycee is having very normal reactions due the abuse from 25 years...i was with mine 3 years and still thinking,ruminating,dreaming at night,crying,mood swings,fear ,sadness,craving you name it....i am working out at the gym 5 times a week,cleaning,taking care of myself...and still i think of that creature everyday....so Jaycee and me and others need just time to make the pain less sharp....i am 54 so i have to go with the flow and just live as it comes.....

Aceonelady

#5 Aug 25 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

jen79

how about counceling

You are right, I think it is a very normal reaction to get some sense in the insanity of so many years. I know this feeling too, though I don't have the experience yet of a long lasting marriage. Is there any way you can afford counceling jaycee, are you seeing a therapist already? I think it would be a great help for you to process yourself through the grief. My mom was with my N-father for about 25 years too, she is in a few days 58 years old, it took her some years of therapy to process all the things that happened, though she was already in a new relationship and even now she has some guilt and shame about the past. The last time I had obsessive thoughts, I didn't fight it, I just let the thoughts come, I didn't fight the anger, the pain, the hurt....and still he lives inside of me...though I saw him just 3 times, so I can imagine how hard it is, when you spend decades with these assclowns. I really think jaycee that for the hardest times you should ask someone to help you, a friend or a therapist, we do not need to go through this all by ourselves! My mom just came to me last week, to help me and herself, since she is not very well too at the moment, I was soo depressed before, almost suicidal, the deepest depression I ever experienced, and I can tell you, asking her to help me, was the best thing i ever did, I am so much better now, already one week later.

#6 Aug 25 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

jaycee

HOW ABOUT COUNSELING

JEN I SEE A THERAPIST ONCE A WEEK, IT HELPS A LITTLE BIT, BUT I THINK I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH THIS EVERYDAY AND HELP MYSELF BY NOT BLAMING MYSELF, SO WHAT IF I LOVED SOMEONE FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS, SO WHAT HE DIDNT LOVE ME, HIS LOSS, HE WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE BUT HIMSELF........ITS A JOKE AND HES A JOKE....EVERYWORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS A LIE.............HE WILL DIE ALL ALONE WITHOUT THE COMFORT OF HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WHO LOVED HIM FOR MOST OF THEIR LIVES, UNTIL NOW...........SO MAYBE NOT IN THIS LIFETIME BUT IN THE NEXT HIS KARMA WILL HIT HIM.............

Jaycee

#7 Aug 25 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Chloe

Response to counseling

Jaycee, After 23 years of living with a man who was a pathological narcissist (cerebral one), I had truly lost my own sense of self. Counseling was a life saver. I was in therapy for eight years. At first, I thought like you do, what good is this doing me? But, it all did come together. I remember my therapist telling me in the beginning, "It may take you one to two years to see things clearly, but you may not like what you see." Well, in all honesty, it took me three years, and I was devastated at what I saw, but the honesty and truth gave me such insight, and in the end---freedom. I also read everything I could on the subject of narcissism. I read and read and read. Intellectually, I knew it all, but I had to now care for the emotional aspect of it. It went from him to what made me tick. Why would I allow a man treat me the way he did? Why was I constantly trying to please him, getting absolutely no-where? Why was I settling for crumbs? It all comes together, and in the final part, I was then able to forgive him in order for me to move on, it's a feeling of total freedom. Hang in there and rediscover the wonderful woman you are. In time, you will come to appreciate who you are and the many wonderful people out there who truly care for you, and just how important that is.

#8 Aug 26 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

jaycee

response to counseling

chloe, thank you, i am too scared to know why i would have allowed such abuse for so long, and why i would be attracted to a man like this, a monster and cruel and abusive sob. i hope i find the answers, can you tell me if not too personal what you saw in the end..you dont have to answer, but curious as i am scared........

Jaycee

#9 Aug 26 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Chloe

Realization

What I saw was the truth. I saw a very clear picture, without wearing rose colored glasses. I saw a man who was empty. I saw the reasons to the why's. I learned that this man, who was the father of my children, who told me he loved me, was unable of truly loving anyone. I saw a man who was like a robot, who morphed into a role and took what he needed. I had a family who betrayed me when I got a divorce, and I saw the dynamics that went along with it. I saw it all. After I saw it all, I had to get "it all" out of my head. I was fixated on him. When my head hit the pillow, I couldn't get the picture of him out of my head. I tried to talk with him, he would hang up on me like I was a piece of garbage. I could hear him laughing in my mind. He did so many cruel things, that the next step was to follow what I was being told. It was hard, very hard at first, because the ghost of the narcissist lives a lot longer in your house than the man himself. Once I stopped communicating and started the process of healing--doing what the books/therapist recommend, I began to heal and put it altogether. Day by day got so much better. Eventually, all the horrible things that he did were forgiven by me, so I could move on in my life. I am telling you that I am finally free from this man, and very honestly am extremely happy today.

#10 Aug 26 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Chloe

It takes a lot of work and

It takes a lot of work and time. You need to heal yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. It will all come together. I looked within and I prayed. That too helped me a lot. I also took advantage of the support groups available on line. I did not have this one, and only wish I had. I think one needs a place to go to where people can really understand the depths of the pain you are going through, along with the reality of narcissism itself. Most people don't quite understand. I know, I didn't, and I was smack in the middle of it. Definitely educate yourself as much as you can. Barbara on this website is very knowledgeable. Listen to what she says. She is dead on. Just remember, don't look back! Keep moving ahead!!!

#11 Aug 27 - 5AM (Reply to #10)

jaycee

it takes a lot of hard work

chloe, thank you for your inspiring words, but his ghost is still very alive in this house, but i am seeing things a little differently, i am beginning to see how everything he says is an utter lie, how he is truly empty and a sick individual, but it doesnt help the pain and saddness as of the moment, i still grieve over the illusion, and i am trying to realize the illusion is exactly what i loved. thanks for telling me your story, glad you are happy wish i was there, too. talk to me, i like what you have to say. jaycee

Jaycee

#12 Aug 27 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

Chloe

"Natural" and "Normal"

Jaycee, What you are feeling is natural or normal if we can call it that, after leaving the narcissist. It is part of the process. I felt the exact same; we all do. The day will come when you look back and have nothing but sympathy for him. Your anger will dissipate and you will be able to move on. But it takes time and work. You need to re-examine yourself. That's so important. In therapy, it will all come together. I can not stress therapy enough. That is the first step at removing the ghost. You are absolutely right, when you say, "grieve over the illusion..." that is exactly all it is, the illusion of what you expected it to be, what you hoped it to be, what you planned on it being. Read all the books you can on pathological narcissism. They are also so helpful. It gives you concrete information about the psyche of these individuals. I mentioned "Malignant Self Love" because Sam Vaknin, the author, who many people on this website and others don't like (he is arrogant), he is a acclaimed narcissist. He tells it as is. His book gave me a whole different perspective. Barbara, on here has quoted some of his things as well. You don't even have to purchase the book, ask your questions on google and his name will pop up. Click on it and he will give you a lot of information. I was also on another site, where I spoke with an admitted narcissist. He let me in to the world of emptiness. He explained exactly everything I read about, only he had stories to them. He really wanted help. Just remember, getting a therapist is like interviewing for a job. You want to make sure you have the right fit and the person has some background in behavioral disorders. You are definitely on the road to recovery. You have made the first steps--keep going!

#13 Aug 25 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

jen79

jaycee

My mom always used to say, well maybe I really wasted my life with this idiot (my narc father), and maybe I am really to blame to be naive to spent so many years with him. But I got 4 wonderful children out of it. Maybe this is what you can tell yourself, you have two wonderful children, and we are allowed to make mistakes, especially when the only "mistake" was to love someone and to have trusted. I think there is no mistake in that at all. You loved, you were a caring mother and you wanted to establish a nice life for your family - who doesn't want that. HE screwed it up and twisted your good intentions into this horror. Good you are seeing a therapist jaycee! And karma will get the bastards anyway!

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