1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. I still feel like it was me that's to blame

I still feel like it was me that's to blame

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jul 17 - 2PM
Never saw it coming
Never saw it coming's picture

I still feel like it was me that's to blame

I don't even have the energy to post what's happened. All I can say is I've read all of these posts...and it's the only thing that makes me feel better.

He came into my life when i was at my lowest. I rose a bit...but am now back down there.

I had come to depend on him emotionally. I'm so pissed off. So dejected.

I am lucky. I have a loving family and friend network, but they (in my head) just can't understand this.

I feel like i've been in a car accident. Where I knew the wheels were going to come off, but kept driving. And it's crashed.

this is step one for me.

Jul 17 - 8PM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

Woman,..

You are going to be ok. Reach inside and pull the survivor in you out and survive!!! I know it all sucks but keep chugging !! U have support!!!
Jul 17 - 5PM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Hi honey. Hugs to you Please

Hi honey. Hugs to you Please read in the post -'are you embarrassed' in the step 4-6 forum, scroll down to find a response by nemesis. She has articulated perfectly why you feel this way. It's very enlightening. Xox
Jul 17 - 5PM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Jackguy

That was a very powerful post. I needed to see that because I know he is sick. More sick than I thought and I tried, really tried to see my part. He also freightened me. His abandoment was so heartless. Thank you for this.
Jul 17 - 4PM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

we accept the blame because it's less painful than seeing

We accept the blame because it's less painful than seeing the truth. It is easier for us to think that there is something wrong with us than to face the fact that the person we have bonded with is quite willing to inflict severe emotional (possibly physical) pain on us with no remorse whatsoever. It is like what they say about abused children - identification with the aggressor. We identify with the person abusing us (see things from their point of view) because that is less frightening than dealing with the reality that we are with a person who is willing to harm us if it suits them. It is extremely painful to realise this about a partner because (a) you lose all hope of a real connection to the partner you thought loved you so the relationship evaporates as an illusion before our eyes (b) you feel that you are going mad because if I really & truly mean nothing to this person how can I trust myself or anyone else when I was sure this person loved me (c) it is extremely frightening because you realise you are with a very disturbed human being.
Jul 17 - 3PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Not only read Lisa's books

Not only read Lisa's books but also read the ones others have recommended. I've spent the entire weekend with my face in this one: Narcissistic Lovers. How to cope, recover, and move on by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble, MS The first chapters is EXACTLY how the relationship was. I even read in this book what therapists have said to me. And spiritual healers, the N himself, his family, his new wife (supply) whom he married very quickly. Even what her friends said to me,"they are happy. you just didn't make him happy." Wow...if they only knew that I bent over, twisted myself into this ideal woman but I was already devalued because I was questioning and challenging the false self. Many people in the N's circle or his supply circle will see the dynamics of being in a relationship with a N. Read this book. Read Lisa's. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power.
Jul 17 - 3PM
jules k
jules k's picture

Ahh i've not been on this

Ahh i've not been on this site long either. I feel your pain, there's no words to describe it. I also feel to blame for so many things, my heads in my hands at times. If i could turn back the clock i would..but would it have changed the outcome? I don't honestly know...probably not. I'm sorry if i'm not much help, but knowing that we're not alone is a great help in itself. Take care J x
Jul 17 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Never saw it coming
Never saw it coming's picture

thanks

i've become so judgemental about myself that i even wonder if getting a response is warranted. i miss him and hate him all at the same time. i can't make heads or tails of this. we've been apart for about a month. and i feel like i'm getting worse rather than better. why is that? of course if you're new.....i'm sorry. i wish you love and strength!
Jul 17 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

my experience

is that at first lots of defenses and walls and barriers were firmly in place. It was hard to see them, because in my case they had been built up over 14 years. I'm a year out and things are still clearing, its a process that takes work, study, thought, and time. As the walls start coming down, things feel empty, vast and scary. It feels different, and I thought that was bad. Turns out it was just some emptiness like a void ready to be slowly filled with new experience and love. Safety and security were slowly being recognized as valuable, and I started noticing how unsafe and what an emotional battlefield I had been living in. But the quiet seemed lonely, and the narc was my go to person for a long time...so I would call, and she would answer, or she would call, and I would answer, and the cycle would slowly begin. It didn't work, the fat lady had sung and the game was over, all that was left was the dance of death, a sick choreographed duet played out ad infinitum til therapy and you guys came along with the diagnosis that changed everything for me. Npd described the problem and gave the solution, simple, concise, and without question the healthiest way to move towards healing and a new happy life. My exwn does hateful things all the time, but that is what extreme selfishness looks like from the outside. From her point of view it is the way it is, the way it was, and the way it will always be. No need for me to be suprised or shocked by it anymore. It is how disordered people behave and act...I am grateful that I don't have to live with her anymore, and grateful that our kid only spends 50 percent of her time with her. The quiet is now cherished, not questioned. Waking up alone with little drama is so nice. I don't have that utoh feeling when coming home, fearful of reprisals, accusations, and general insanity and chaos around me at all times. I am free of the narc infestation, and don't even need an ointment. Be good to yourself, do something nice for you just because you can. Find something to be grateful for that you wouldn't have if he was around. ds
Jul 17 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
jules k
jules k's picture

I know, i feel the same. Love

I know, i feel the same. Love him, and tried so hard to despise him, but i can't. I was only married last year and he left in March this year. It's been longer than a month for me and it's so hard, some days are better than others. I can't believe all that he's done and i shake my head also. From reading the other posts, things do improve but after alot more time than we have had. I often wonder what it was all about. :-/ You will get alot more advise on here than i can give you. But i'm not in the turmoil now to how i was a few weeks ago. I don't feel much better but everyone says i am. I even made a joke yesterday!!Lol. Time is a wonderful thing. If only we had a time button to fastforward us 6 months...oh and a hindsight button, would be even better! We'll be okay :-) x
Jul 17 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
clover
clover's picture

you are not to blame

To the person who posted that she still feels like she is to blame. That is how you get hooked and stay hooked. The N makes you feel that you are to blame for everything including his bad treatment of you. I thought I was to blame for all my problems with my N. Put myself in therapy to "fix" my "problems." He did nothing. He never took responsibility for anything that went wrong between us. He never admitted that leaving someone three times with no warning and refusing to talk to them for months on end is a cruel thing to do. He had me trained to know/feel that if I put one toe out of line, if I questioned him, his behavior toward me, his treatment of me that he would be out the door. Only a blow up doll would have been able to achieve the level of conformity that he needed/desired. I think Ns really want the body of a beautiful woman (with no mind, no emotions, no needs, thoughts, desires of their own). Just a body that they can do with what they want, that won't "give them any trouble" won't "cramp their style". NO ONE..I repeat NO ONE could achieve the level of perfect behavior that a N would require for him to stay forever. Even then he would get bored with that particular version of perfection and would leave for a different version!! That's just the nature of a N.
Jul 18 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

actually being perfect and not questioning them makes them bored

mine would leave the OW because she was the "yes girl". she adored him and backed him up always. I questioned him, demanded things change and would leave- this caused him to chase me full throttle. EXCEPT when they know you are so so onto them and so fed up- that they cannot win you back.....so they disappear fully. and then you start to wonder, question yourself, romanticize the relationship and just like a true predator - weeks or months or even years later- they smell this small opening and hunt you down. and they feel like such victors because they have caught the big prey- you , the one that got away....this is my story... and no matter what- the yes girl or the girl that says no for a while- loses. we all lose. we are dealing with a man with no empathy who only wants to win. sickness at its core. stay NC NC NC NC NC!!!!
Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Lost
Lost's picture

Thanks Clover

for your post, your statement .... "That is how you get hooked and stay hooked. The N makes you feel that you are to blame for everything including his bad treatment of you." ... is 100% correct and is how my N made me feel. I am therapy at the moment to fix my problems yet he continues with his life as if I'm the one in the wrong, my fault for letting him do what he did, cheating, using me etc ... his response to me on questioning him was that he makes no apologies and loves who he is ... his excuse for cheating was that of course he would go elsewhere if he wasn't getting what he wanted at home!!! With him it's always everyone else that is at fault ... if I questioned or analysed something he said or did I was attacking him and reading too much into things, got to the point where I would just shut up to keep the peace
Jul 18 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Never saw it coming
Never saw it coming's picture

Never Saw It Coming

Sleep. I miss good solid nights of sleep. Anyway woke up to a nightmare where I though he was in the house. He wasn't and I breathed a sigh of relief but then the thoughts started. where is he, how could he just be so 'fine' while i'm sitting in a bubble trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces. i suffer from feelings of shame, emptiness and fear. (what if i never get past this). I don't have a choice! and that in itself sends me into waves of panic. I did get a text from him even though it's been days. he claimed he hadn't slept for 72 hours and wanted to know what medicine i take to help with sleep. i didn't answer. simply deleted and rolled over and went back to sleep. This forum gave me the strength to feel ok to enact NC. I understand why it has to be this way. you know, in the early stages of this? he couldn't even warrant offering a telephone call? Just to separate or say what there was left to say. It was cruel. One minute there. one minute not. And all of it peppered with blame: YOU cheated on me (not tru) YOU didn't pay attention to me (i had gotten back in touch with some friends who would stop by) he DIDN"T like that. The more I think about it, the more our relationship declined was when i started reaching outside to friends again. For a while he had me so isolated. he put a tracking device in my car! if i was late from work by 10 minutes he assumed I had been up to something. it was crazy. ok...getting sleepy again. hope you all are having sweet dreams. tomorrow's another day in the right direction!!!
Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Stay in therapy and stay NC.

Stay in therapy and stay NC. Read everything about these narcs. With time, you will see thier disordered game and realize you couldnt have changed a thing. It is a long hard journey, but in the end it's definitly worth it. I know you feel lousy right now and its normal. I took me a long time to shake my denial. Now I see him clearly for the narc he is. I was really niave and have had to learn some life lessons and take off the rose colored glasses. It is really hard to believe someone you loved could be this cruel, but they are screwed up. They will do it to anyone. I now know my guilt was not mine, but what he projected to me. You will get there. HUGS!!