I spoke with my N - I'm sorry

Just a thought: maybe journal EVERYTHING. Be really honest with yourself about his (and your behavior). Note what you are honestly feeling and thinking. AND like everyone else says here - you did not disappoint anyone! This is a tough rap. We are here for you. Peace. J

Definitely don't feel like you shouldn't be here!!! You just haven't gotten to the stage yet where you know deep in your bones that this man is poison. No one can yell at you enough, or beat it into you brain, or shame you into believing it. You have to get there in your own time, that's how us human beings work :) This is a learning experience, and it's kind of organic, like how a plant grows from seed to sprout to fruit. And don't forget . . . you are talking to a group of people who have DONE THIS, like a million times LOL . Just what you are doing. Of course we want you to just toss him in the trash and move on to a perfect life, like yesterday. But that's not the way it worked for any of us LOL!! Once your eyes are opened, Happy1, you can't close them again. You know what he really is. You just don't believe it yet. You still have "hope" . You aren't convinced of your own perceptions that he is poison. The only way to get convinced is to go back "in" and experience it :( And you will. And there is no shame in it. It's how we all do it, no matter what we "say" or demand is "the right way". Pffft on that. Keep in close touch and don't be ashamed. LEARN. Keep on foot in "the real" and go see what this is all about. And come back and tell us :) We are always here :)

Happy1, we all are guilty of the same thing you have done. I know for myself, I have probably gone back to my ex-N no less than 5 -6 times, each time swearing that it was the last time and that I’d be NC forever. Fortunately for me, this time I am determined to make it stick. He truly showed me his true colors and what a monster he is by abandoning me at a time in my life when I needed him most. As much as my mind still continues to think about him and search for answers on how he could be so cold and heartless, I will no longer allow him to control my world. I still wake up in the middle of the night and replay our last interaction in my mind and find myself trying to figure out his motive, but then I visualize a big STOP sign and divert my thoughts to something else. There is no use in trying to figure something out that has no answer. Furthermore, whatever explanation he could ever give to me would not be acceptable. There is no excuse for his behavior. I should have been his priority, especially right now with my circumstances with my dog, yet I was nothing more to him than an option. What I have learned from this latest experience, however, is the thought I’d like to leave you with. It may not be popular with everybody on the board and if you guys would like for me to go away after writing this, then I will respect your wishes. However, here is what I’ve determined over the past week or so of being NC…..Our N’s refuse to take responsibility or accountability for their actions. This is the one thing we all agree on and it seems to be one of the most common characteristics they all possess. BUT, and here’s the kicker, WE aren’t holding ourselves responsible for our own actions once we know what they are. I know a HUGE part of that is the fact that we’ve been abused and brainwashed by them, but the only way we can each heal from our experiences is to take responsibility for how we handle things moving forward. Is it hard to do? Yes! Does it feel uncomfortable? Yes! Do we sometimes mess up and give in to their manipulation? Hell, yes! But even as we’re doing it, we know it’s inherently wrong. I know for myself, each time we got back together, I hid it from my friends and family. They would always know we were back together because I’d disappear off the face of the earth, but I never had the courage to tell them. I didn’t accept responsibility for my choice which was him. I have now made the choice to have this man totally and completely out of my life. He is not worthy of my love and compassion. I’m tired of making excuses for why he is the way he is. It doesn’t really matter why he’s the way he is. He will continue to be that way until the day he dies. I’m now holding myself responsible and accountable for MY actions. That means NO CONTACT with him for any reason. I don’t care how nice of an email or text message he might send to me; he is dead in my eyes and heart. I don’t care if he comes back with apologies and promises; he is dead in my eyes and heart. So yes, we are here for you Happy1 and will always be here for you. It is frustrating to hear that you broke NC and based upon the tone of what you wrote, looks like you might go back to him, but that frustration is because we care about you and ultimately know how this story will end. The last time I spoke to my therapist about the potential of getting back with my ex-N she gave me this advice. I didn’t listen to hear at the time, but I understand what she meant now. I gave her my reasons for wanting to give it another try with him and she said to me, “I hear what you’re saying, but play the story all the way to the end. How does it end? You know how it will end, play it all the way out.” I dismissed what she said thinking I knew better and that this next time would be different. Well, guess what, it wasn’t. It was worse than any ending I could have dreamed up. She was correct; I knew the ending before I went back. I just thought I could re-write the story. You can’t with an N. They are what they are, despite our best efforts for wanting to help them or think they can be something else. With all that said (and I’m sorry this was so long), you will do what you want to do. We will support you, right or wrong. And yes, there is a right and a wrong…sorry for the tough love, but I’m a bit tired of sugar coating, including making excuses for my own behavior relative to my ex-N. Right – NC, Wrong – giving him yet another chance to destroy you and take a piece of your heart. The only reason I’m able to be this judgmental is because I’ve lived what you’re going through as have so many others on this board. Again, whatever you decide, we will be here for you, even if that’s to pick you back up when the process repeats itself because it will.

Dont stop coming here Happy. That would ne a like letting him batter and then giving him the stick to so it with.. You have found support here and you need to stay strong.. You are human, it's not your fault. You still operertae under the premise that he is human too. He is not. he is not wired up like you. He will always take the best offer. sometimes that's you, sometimes that's someone else or soemthing else. You are souce of supply and you have got to get that... SO you feel bad for this time.. DONT WORRY honey... You have to pick yourself up again, dust yourself off and stay with us.. You are programmed to miss him. You have to fill you mind, your day with other things. RE-programme your mind. GEEE I know my narc hsuband is bad news but I still wanted himn around and when he is polite and couttious, which sometimes he is very much the perofect gent, (when he wants or needs me for something or to do something)WELL I get to thinking for a few seconds that he must be differnt, but he is not. and I come back down to earth with a mad plummeting bump... SO dont beat yourself up. You are on a rocky road to healing yourself. Stay strong and stay on this board.. God bless V

i can't tell you how many times i decided to just be friends, just chat, just text, just whatever with my exn after we broke up. i even tried to go back knowing what he was and making appropriate accommodations for HIM and trying to accept him as he is, love him unconditionally, because i couldn't let go. each time, he'd hurt me worse. each time i'd feel a little less for him, until i finally felt i could let go and stay nc. don't beat yourself up, my point is that this is a process, and unlike our n's, WE are all different and go through the process in our way/time. i definitely advocate nc - it is the only way to heal.....just keep trying till it sticks!!

Hi Happy, I don't know about you, but I NEVER get off the phone with the N and actually feel BETTER. When I do pick up the phone and talk to him, I am always sorry I did. He rang my phone off the hook last night and I didn't pick it up. I was in a pretty good mood and I try to remember that talking to him, never makes me feel better. Now that I really think about it, I don't think he has ever consoled me and made me feel better when I am upset. (that would be over 25 years!). Just remember, most of the time when you or anyone else comes in contact with them, it is very rare that you will walk away feeling better. Don't feel bad and please don't feel sad. POSITIVE THINKING is the key.

....and it can even be useful. Yes, because as soon you learn that every contact is only a way of getting more grief and hurt, as soon you can stop it. They usually show up just when you start feeling a bit better. They cannot take the chance of losing control on their prey. You did nothing that any of us did also. It is something we know. And we respect you. We will be here for you at any time. Often I reflected upon this: that a lot of people who I did not even know was more kind and gentle and loving to me in a minute than he did in a year. ((((Big hugs)))) stop balming yourself. Gain your focus again. You did nothing of so horrible. It happens. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)

Why does it matter what we think? I'm not as concerned about you talking with your narc as I am about your self-esteem. You didn't disappoint anyone here. You may have disappointed yourself, but only you know that for sure. As far as talking to him is concerned....when you've had enough, and I really mean when you're ready to stop being a yo-yo, you'll stop. And it won't be because of anything we say. It will be because you're done with it. I strongly encourage you to start really examining how YOU feel about things, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. That's a conclusion I've come to somewhat recently. No matter what anyone tells me, if I don't believe in it, I'm not going to do it. And I cannot be budged from what I truly believe. I don't see any reason for you to stop posting here, but I do think you need to start some deep introspection about what Happy/Sad/Whatever wants and thinks. And then only listen to THAT voice.

What concerns me more is not that you broke no contact, but it's the way you're talking to yourself: I feel like a failure to all of you that have been out for a while and I feel crazy and a failure myself. Time for some positive self talk, girl! You're doing the best you can do right now. It took me a long time to go completely no contact... and it IS the best route to recovery, but you will know when you are ready to stop letting him hurt you. In the meantime, show yourself some love!

Try again. Start from the beginning. This is the best thing you can do. He does not love you and does not respect you. You deserve more! I tried couple of time to stay NC. It is my third try now, each time i do better and better. Hugs!

HAPPY! Stop this nonsense right now! You have absolutely nothing to apologize for! This is what we do. Its our addiction. We are here for you regardless. We dont like the fact that you have opened yourself up for more hurt but we do understand what draws us to do this. I dont know where your at today or if your convinced to go back for another round of N. I do know this much. If you do, we will see you again. We will welcome you with open arms as if you never left. I hope you make the choice otherwise but only you can decide if you have had enough and hit your bottom with him. Either way, we are here. :) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)