I slept with him and I don't know how to recover...

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#1 Jun 28 - 8AM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

I slept with him and I don't know how to recover...

I slept with the enemy. I don't know what happened to my self esteem, to all the days I spent healing, I screwed it all up.

He kept on asking to meet. We did. I told him how much he hurt me. He sat there and cried with me, and told me how sorry he was. He told me he loved me, and hopes we can workout someday.

It felt so real. Our connection was so powerful, I didn't even think twice about it. We agreed to continue with NC..and date other people, and see where we end up.

I woke up this morning feeling like I want to die. I slept with a guy that made me cry everyday for 5 months. That left me when I needed him most. I slept with him knowing he slept with other girls. I objectified myself. How am I ever going to redeem myself? Now..how am I ever going to heal?

What kills me most is that he STILL wants to be single. If he really loved me like he said he did, and would do anything to date me again. I can't believe I slept with him.

How do I redeem myself. I know I did it to myself, but I honestly feel so freaking depressed and stupid.

Jun 28 - 4PM
Steph
Steph's picture

What everyone has said here

What everyone has said here is so true. Don't hate yourself. These guys are brilliant and we want to believe in the good because we are good people. That could have been anyone of us in that situation. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward. xoxo
Jun 28 - 12PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Sarah

Everyone is right. The worst thing you could do right now is beat yourself up for this. Relapse happens in recovery. You are truly trying to stay away from someone you thought would bring you love and happiness. The problem is the addiction you have is to a person who can speak, talk and manipulate vs. a drug or alochol you can keep out of the house. This makes it incredibly difficult to stay away. They manipulate you into believing they have changed. Don't be mad at yourself. Be mad at him for being a predator once again. Like Scoop said, they know when to approach you and come in for the kill and that's just what he did. YOU should not be ashamed. Use this as a lesson to help you go NC for good. Remind yourself that he will never change no matter what he says to you. Pick yourself back up, don't look back and move on. You are in control again. Big hugs and love to you.
Jun 28 - 10AM
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Sarah787

Remember how they manipulate and use mind control? He literally swept you off your feet, for his purposes only (as you are now aware). He needed supply. He fleshed you out to see if you would donate. Sadly, if not you, it would have been someone else!! I know it is a hard lesson and I'm sorry it hurts so much. Perhaps this will be your final straw to go NC for good. When they feed your deepest longings, it increases oxytocin - that feel good brain chemical. And sleeping with someone increases it too. It is meant to bind two people together in committed relationships. Sleeping with anyone too soon can create this false bond and really lead to getting hurt - particularly if the person is dangerous! I'm not here to preach or condemn lifestyles on who sleeps with who and when. I simply want to point out that narcs know how to control. What better way than to mess with your brain? Right now, use your intellect to help you while your brain comes back down to normal. Read the blogs here over and over. Follow the links too. Take radical good care of yourself. You will get through this. keep posting and do your best to maintain NC to help you get out of this spin cycle he put you in. Agree on not beating yourself up! Sending you a hug.
Jun 28 - 9AM
dysenchanted
dysenchanted's picture

Not Stupid

Just a real human being with feelings,which makes you a perfect target. ((((( hug))))). Just dust off and keep going. You're a work in progress.
Jun 28 - 9AM
trying2overcome
trying2overcome's picture

Love Yourself!!

I did the very same thing Friday and I beat myself up as well but like everyone is telling you here, its a waste energy to do that. You cant change whats behind you .. only what lies ahead. they come back to cuck the life out of us again and because we truly loved them .. we fall for it time and time again. My N is so beautiful on the outside .. but there is a devil inside. pick yourself back up and remind yourself of this feeling so the next time he comes looking you will be stronger. I know it is hard .. double edged sword ... sad without them but they make you so much more sad when you let them use you. We do ourselves a dis-service because we allow them to feed off us .. all I could think all weekend is he was probably on such a high off the energy I gave him Friday that he a fantastic weekend and I sat around feeling like crap about myself knowing he was out with OW. Pick yourself up Girl .. resume NC and love yourself more than you loved him. I think we are all trying to do that. You are worth more than he will EVER be able to give or have. Hugging you in my heart .. because I know it hurt!!
Jun 28 - 8AM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Pick yourself back up

We all have made mistakes with these Ns. I know I did. A week ago I was telling him he was the love of my life. The next day, after hearing words from him that I couldn't believe, I did an about-face and decided I was going to get over him once and for all, and no matter what I had done in my past, that did not define my future. It's what you do now that matters, honey. That's all that matters at this point. You just have to get up and keep going, and forgive yourself for making a mistake. None of us are perfect.
Jun 28 - 8AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Right .. first of all stop

Right .. first of all stop beating youre self up , what is done is done . Straight back to no contact , i swear to you they know when we being to feel better about our selves and they come back just to put us on the floor again .. i slept with my ex narc after 3 months no contact last summer after he said "dont get youre hopes up scopp i still cant give you what you want " he may have just hit me round the head with a slege hammor so i know how you feel . can i just say that what i learnt about the situation is you dont actualy go back five months as if five months of healing counts for nothing .. i found that i was down and out for just a little while , lots of crying was done but gtting back on the waggon was easyer . sometimes we need a second look just to make sure .. in my case i had 6 second looks :( Big love to you Scoop x
Jun 28 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
Janet
Janet's picture

Let it be just one reminder

Let it be just one reminder of how dangerous he is. You will be okay and like everyone said, take it easy on yourself. Sorry, the temptation is just too great though, all one wants is the human compassion, love and kindness they promised to always feel toward us. They are such sick liars. xx Peace. J

Peace. J