I screwed up -- I let my guard down and trusted for a few days

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#1 Feb 12 - 11AM
reneek
reneek's picture

I screwed up -- I let my guard down and trusted for a few days

Barbara, don't kill -- the irony was as all what you read below was happening, I kept thinking of all the emails your wrote -- and I heard this voice in my head that spoke your words, your cautions, your counsel and so on But I kept thinking to myself and foolishly wanting to believe "no, no, he's not a narcissist. He is different. I should never have categorized him like that." LOL LOL and dum dum dum dum !

So, the weekend after our hearing was terrible -- games games games and he had a continued to desire to trap me in things -- not to mention he was in Contempt during the pick up and drop off on Friday last week.

Sunday was a show down -- he tricked me into agreeing to go somewhere under a false premise and I stood my ground and did not go. He then showed up at my house as a desparate father trying to see his child. Sobbing that he just wanted to see his child and he just wanted to be equal.

So here is where I screwed up -- I agreed to let him see her, she didn't want to go, so I asked him to come in an help transition her. He came in -- they played -- she left with him. I called him to find out if she was going to have dinner with him -- he told me she was sleeping the whole time and then he and I starting talking a bit. It was the same old, same old and I let all the blaming bounce off me. I did, however, offer for him to bring her home and have dinner with her in her home and tuck her in as I had been planning to go out to a Superbowl party. I told him the Nanny would be there too and that the nanny's job really was to serve as a watch dog to ensure he didn't do anything he shouldn't have.

So the night went fine, we talked when I came home and agreed to find a solution outside of court -- meaning some kind of program or divorce coaching or something. we talked the next fews days -- had a few fights, worked it out and agreed to continue our course.

The Judge ruled last week that he could still take her to florida and that we were to split the court costs (at least that is what I remember hearing, he remembers hearing it was me who was going to pay everything) -- we were trying to problem solve together.

We had never come to a solution together yet and then he went off and just booked a flight getting our daughter into the airport (our 2 year old) at 10:00 at night getting her home between 11-12 on a work night for me - he did this without any consent and his normal time to bring her home is 6 p.m. so this was huge and as much as it felt like a sucker punch it was the pinch I needed to remind about what I am dealing with. I mean who does that to someone they say they want to work with or coparent with -- who does that? I was just absolutely shocked and floored that he didn't call me and that he had the nerve to book a flight getting in so late without any consult with me.

Of course the way the coward handled it was to send an email -- I had no clue there was an email until several hours later and had tried calling him several times during the day to ask him if I could go down to Florida to meet her -- he ignored all my calls because he knew he did wrong and he didnt' want to deal with it and then when I told him how I felt about his age inappropriate unilateral decision -- he just justified it -- said he needed to book the trip 21 days out. so he couldn't have picked up the phone and called me or talked to me? who does this?

Oh well -- I am back on track again. Does anyone have any solutions about this 11 p.m. return of a 2 year old? Do I have any recourse? This just seems crazy to me. I don't know what to do. Plus, his thinking that I was going to pay all of the travel arrangements to bring her back ran up a nice bill -- he changed the airlines because he didn't liek the time.

Barbara, can you also resend the guardian ad litem stuff -- we were assigned a court investigator and I need to read through the best way to prepare. he is going to lie lie lie !

I am sorry to have fallen down and hang my head low. I really thought I could fix the problem -- LOL - I really did.

Feb 15 - 7AM
rache
rache's picture

we have

all been there,and,just get back up,dust yourself off and get back to business as usual...........
Feb 13 - 6PM
reneek
reneek's picture

you are awesome -- I take no offense

You are right about it all. The problem is the Order hasn't made its way to the clerk yet. I tried calling a few times this week and it has not been mailed to me or my lawyer yet so we are still waiting. I can't imagine the judge would have me pay for everything that would be an incredible injustice. Though he sees it as an injustice because I agreed to something months, he relied on it and make plans and then I went and changed it --- but I only changed it because he wasn't doing anything according to the orders. About Haiti -- it was worse --- he went when our daughter was 8 months old and left me 100% alone for 6 weeks AND when he went he knew he was moving from Boston to DC 2 months after his return which was even crazier. I spoke to his mother and she said to me "he needs this -- he needs to clear his mind and get away from this all." When I said -- "what about me and our child, what about their bonding? What about what I need?" She told me I didn't understand men and "a woman's got to do what a woman's got to -- taking care of the child is your job." Or something like that. Now, his continued whine is that he hates that she doesn't carry his last name --- and he cries on my answering machine about since her voice is now on it and she says her last name. He is not on the birth cert because he didn't sign the birth certificate, he was asked in the hospital and declined, asked again 2 months after she was born and said "no way," he was asked again 4 months after she was born and he said to this "I am not going to make your life easy -- you must agree that I can have full joint custody before I agree to sign her birth cert." I said no way. So he never signed. A year later he took me to court on a paternity suit -- in the earliest negotiations we offered him for her to have a his last name hyphenated in exchange for the middle name -- he made me take the middle name I didn't want -- I wanted to name her after a mentor, and hero of mine who died while I was pregnant and he said no way. He said the middle name was more important and declined. Now, he refuses to acknowledge her last name and ALWAYS puts his last name before mine whenever he sends her something and even in our legal intake form a few weeks ago he did it (which I think borders on delusional). When I confronted him that it concerned me the confusion this could cause her -- he said it was his "pet name" for me and then twisted it and said that I didn't give her his last name so I could always walk away and won't have to explain it to her. It is wacky. So, I will read the book you suggest -- will order on Amazon tonight !! Thanks and thanks for thinking of me and reading my posts -- it really helps a lot and it is a good reminder. I wish he would move to Haiti.

a woman learning to love again

Feb 14 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Reenek

Let me get this straight? You are in Boston & he is in DC? What you describe with wanting the child to have his name. I had a very good friend in a similar situation. Dude refused to marry her . . . they were in another country where the father had zero rights, except to pay, if the child was born out of wedlock. His choice because he did not love the mother, but he wanted the child. And, so a dance that went on for a decade about his rights to his child. Courts, soclial workers, anybody who'd listen. All his family & friends said exactly what you write his mother says. Of course, they deal only with people who will support them. His supporters do not care about you. It's a one way street, his way. You are there to serve him. Don't you get it? And, my friend so much wanted to have a father for her child. & she danced with the jerk. Now the child is 21 years old. The child sees her father as a selfish jerk & has very little to do with him. My friend wonders about all the time she wasted on the man & his ego & his needs & still to this day, he is the whining victim. She even left that country to come back to the States to get away from him . . . but still she engaged him on the hopes that he would send money if he so loved his child. Nope, very little money, less than ordered to pay in his country. But just enough to keep my friend hooked into contact just in case he might be there in an emergency. He's not there for them. Everything is all about him. For over 20 years my friend has dickered with this jerk & his professed love for his child. My friend even got breast cnacer which she attributes to the stress of dealing with the jerk.
Feb 15 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
reneek
reneek's picture

I will remember her story

as I want to stop this dance -- it is hard though when he keeps pounding me with the law. I did follow your advice and opened a separate email address and that has helped me a lot. I've also gotten more comfortable with the whole idea of the guardian ad litem thing and working to push back his parenting rights. I will tell you over the past several months I really don't do things to help facilitate the relationship. I do just the opposite and only what I am legally obligated to do and that is the part he is upset about. I received a letter from him that it is hard for him to deal with the fact that I see him merely as a person to just be "tolerated" that I demonstrate no love or compassion to him and that what he imagines is a day where we could work together and care for each other and the other needs. What he means tp say is "I need you to see me differently, so I can go back to manipulating you and getting everything I want from you. I want to go back to the days where you have no boundaries. Caring to me, means you give me what I want and do as I say, and I get to choose if I do anything reciprocal when I feel like it." I get it- I know what his shallow words mean. It is good to hear that the daughter of your friend wants nothing to do with her father -- I try to keep our daughter as far from the dance as possible. She already fights me when I have to make her talk on the phone with him. He is allowed to call her and she never ever ever wants to talk to him and she is 2. Pray that this legal things helps put some very defined boundaries around him and that maybe just maybe the guardian ad litem is trained enough to spot the truth and understand what is really happening as I do have enough evidence. Thanks for checking in again.

a woman learning to love again

Feb 15 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

demonstrate no love & compassion

These guys! You do not demonstrate love & compassion for him! And, when he went off to Haiti for 6 months to take care of other women & their children . . . exactly how did he demonstrate love & compassion for you & your newborn!? And, did he move away to work in another city just when his child was born to be closer to her? Or, to put a safe distance? I wonder why exactly one needs to take a 2 year old to Florida for a vacation? Not much of a vacation for either him or the child. This guy is such an emotional manipulator. And, just like mine. Playing on all emotional sensibilities. Mine wrote letters. Letters which really fooled other people because they expressed so much sentiment. But, upon close reading, it was all about him. This is what hooks so many women in. They verbalize sentiment in a way that most men cannot. But, that's all it is -- words. For these guys, there is no emotional content. But, can they weep for themselves! Buckets of tears. I left the house . . . and you know . . . he was so caught up in himself, he never once asked me if I was ok, but he "loved me." Actually, I think I was gone about 4 months before he finally realized, he had no idea where his wife was living! It never occurred to him. But, when it became apparent, I did not want to give him the address, it became a 'control' thing & he had to know. Got his lawyer on to getting my address, made such a stink! Mine has female friends & champions who think he is such a sensitive man. Actually, the new woman is a psychiatrist. Good Luck to her! She's gonna be really messed up when she realizes how this monster conned her. Imagine that? A psychiatrist taken in by a narcissist? They are living together in the house I still own with him. She moved in exactly 5 months after I left him. Obviously, he recovered his broken heart quickly. Somehow "love" justifies everything. She does not understand that she represents money for the upkeep of the house, sex & laundry (his definition of love). The only true emotion my N feels is rage. His rage can appear to be sadness & depression, but that's just the mask for the rage of having lost control. Otto F. Kernberg, the psychiatrist who defined malignant narcissism, recognized that feature of these twisted creatures. Marie-France Hirigoyen terms them perverse narcissists. my blog http://narcissistandme.blogspot.com --Facebook, I am one of Lisa's friends.
Feb 13 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reneek

I can highly recommend STALKING THE SOUL too. Excellent book! do NOT feel bad for putting boundaries on this loser. He so obviously needs them! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 13 - 8AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Costs

The judge's orders re: costs are written down by the clerk in the file. You can go to the court & look at your file & get a photocopy for N if his memory is in error. And, have your lawyer forward the copy, not you. Do not engage this jerk. This guy is really something. Just like my N. Smart, educated, successful & highly manipulative. This cycling. Seemingly "normal" but not really. No contact is the only way in my opinion. Pick up & drop off times must be strictly enforced. Since you have a nanny, let her be there for drop off & pick up. There is nothing to discuss. Even 'vacations' can be set out in court orders, number of days, departure & arrival times. These guys are just so innovative with coming up with unbelievable nonsense. You need this book, Marie-France Hirigoyen, Stalking the Soul. She sets forth the means by which a 'perverse or malignant narcissist' manipulates the victim. Once you regognize the techniques, you will not get sucked in. You want to believe that this man & you can have a healthy co-parenting relationship for the best interest of the child. So, your N is using normal psychology, healthy human emotions, to twist & manipulate you. This is why they are called pathologicals. This man does not care for the child. It's all about manipulating & controlling you. All these tears to see his child. That's what you want to believe that seeing the child is the most important thing & weeping for missing the child because that is you! He plays on your maternal feelings. He's so sick & twisted this man. He's very, very dangerous. When will you see this? He is sucking the life out of you under the guise of being a concerned parent. The child means nothing to him. Nothing. What's there to discuss with him? Drop off & pick up written in stone in a court order. School? He sends the list of schools he wants, how much tuition he is paying . . . if he pays full, then she can go to that school. If he pays half, then you decide. It will be easy, once you see him for what he really is & just stop caring about him. Oh. BTW! Why doesn't he go to Haiti again? Now is the time to go. Everywhere pleas for MDs to go there! He went when you were pregnant, because you were pregnant! To get away from having to take care of you. But refusing to take care of you when he was nearby would have made him look bad. So he went to Haiti which made him look good. And, to hurt you! Other people were more important to take care of than you carrying his child. That was the point of going with Doctors Without Borders. He is really, really out to get you. To destroy you. Please. This man is a monster. Maybe even worse than my N (which is hard for me to admit, but probably true). I know I sound paranoid. Read Stalking the Soul! Save yourself & your child. I think about you a lot in my daily life. Your N is so much like my N. I really have a sympathy for you. I look for your posts to see how you are doing. So, if I am harsh, it is because I learned the hard way. Do not waste any mor eof your time & emotion on this man. You are young! Do not waste your precious time on him, please.
Feb 12 - 1PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

reneek

why does everyone think I am going to 'kill' them? why does everyone think I am so nasty? sheesh! well now you're back to SQUARE ONE with your healing. 11pm is INAPPROPRIATE!!! Tell your lawyer you want SUPERVISED VISITATION. Things can NOT be "equal" with an N - ever. Do not be talked out of it. SUPERVISED!!! And NO CONTACT with him except by email so you have it ALLLLLL in writing. http://www.womansdivorce.com/role-of-the-guardian-ad-litem.html http://www.legalexplorer.com/legal/legal-QA.asp?PositionPoint=20&Sid=20#sub http://www.divorcenet.com/states/new_hampshire/nhfaq_07 (this site has loads of searchable stuff) No DISCUSSION. Tell (don't ask TELL) the lawyer all his communication is going through them as he cannot be trusted. Fix it??? really??? You can FIX the Narc??? come on reneek you KNOW better. Your child is at stake here. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 13 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

Also, do not let him in your

Also, do not let him in your home. That is a big mistake. Would you let a contrite known rapist in? No. Do not let manipulating you as if you are depriving the child of the father. the father chose his behaviors, made his choices and he created the consequences.