I Saw the Narc Tonight

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#1 Nov 23 - 12AM

MsVulcan500

I Saw the Narc Tonight

OMG!! I am so freaking happy with myself that I can't stand it. My biggest fear has been running into the narc somewhere. Well, tonight it happened. I went to a bar to see a friend (who is a mutual friend) and after I had been there a while, I went to the front of the bar to talk to the friend, and narc was standing by the door. I had to walk around him to get to my friend. I didn't even look at him as I walked by. I had to go back past him to get to the table I was sitting at with my girlfriend (who was kind enough to go with me just in case.) Again, totally ignored him.

I told my girlfriend that he was there. I leisurely finished my beer, went to the bar to pay, and we left. My friend was talking to the narc at that point, so I went up to the friend and told him we were leaving, that it's a school night. He turned around and gave me a big hug. I glanced in the narcs direction, we made eye contact for a second, and I started to walk out. The friend excused himself from the narc and walked me and my girlfriend out of the bar!

My first thought when I saw him was "Wow, he is a short little f-er." I have not seen the narc for 14 months. And I was terrified about how I would handle this moment. But now I know. I know I can handle seeing him with grace and dignity. I think the most important piece of this puzzle was the amount of time that has passed since we broke up. If I had seen him 6 months ago, I probably wouldn't have handled it this way. I probably would have been visibly upset and shaking.

I just wanted to let everyone know that if enough time has gone by, you have maintained NC, and you see the narc, you will be in a much better place to handle this stressful situation. I feel kind of high right now. And it's freaking awesome!!!

#2 Nov 23 - 4PM

Tinker

MsVulcan

I'm so happy for you, it's a true goal for all of us! question - what happens if this is the person that you're most attracted to, the most ever?? i've read lots of women here who aren't attracted to the N, which seems to make it much easier, at least to me. the manipulation i can get past, but the sexual attraction is just too much to give up on sometimes. any advice anyone?

#3 Nov 23 - 8PM (Reply to #23)

Briseis

Marissa

Good question. I'd definitely say that the exNarc turned me on more than anyone ever has. I used to get almost physically ILL with how much I desired him. I won't get too frank here . . . but there wasn't ANY part of him that I wouldn't have spent the weekend in, OK? If you know he's a Narc but you still struggle a lot with that physical attraction, it just means your head and your heart are not "together". Your head knows what he is, that he is bad news, he is abusive and manipulative and hurtful. But your heart doesn't believe it yet. When you fully accept that he is a Narc, and understand what he is DOING to you, even when he is pretending to be good to you, he will NOT be attractive. He will repulse you. Like any other "ugly" person repulses you. Narcs are truly "ugly" inside. The only way another person can believe they are beautiful is in the most superficial relationship or if they are still brainwashed, still in "thrall" to the Narc's false persona. That's how I understand it. It's how I understand how I was able to stay deeply attracted to him for so long, in spite of how abusive and cruel he was, I'd keep going back for more. It's like he was two different guys in my head. The truth was, he was only ONE person and a very gifted actor and con man. Which all Narcs are. A con man and a confused, brainwashed woman trauma bonded to him. That is the only "lover" relationship anyone can have with a Narc. Once that becomes clear to you, there will be no attraction, only repulsion. And freedom, of course :)

#4 Nov 23 - 9PM (Reply to #24)

MsVulcan500

Yes, I agree.

You know how you meet someone and they are attractive, but not drop dead gorgeous? Then as you get to know them, and your feelings get stronger for them, they become more attractive. I think this is just the opposite. Now that you know the narc is so ugly inside, he is ugly outside too. And I'll admit, girls, I was not as calm inside as I was outside. But I really had no feelings of sadness or anything, I was just scared that he might try to talk to me. I didn't want to give him the chance. Because I don't know how I would have handled that. Also, I knew if I messed up last night I would have to admit it all to you guys, and I would have disappointed you. :) I couldn't do that.

#5 Nov 23 - 3PM

Briseis

BWAHHH!!

You OWNED him Ms V :D I think Sick of it mentioned "watch out for the hoover". No kidding. It would make perfect Narc sense that you get some kind of "greeting". This is what recovery is like, people :) You can keep drinking your beer, chatting your friends, and go about your evening. That is detachment. This is the fruit of NC. He's outta your head, and your heart. The Narc himself . . . is NO ONE. A bad memory. A shudder. It's what's going on inside of you that makes all the difference :) ROTFLMAO, "he's a short little effer" :D :D :D :D He even LOOKS like a "NO ONE" after a while :D (no offense to other shorties, I'm five feet tall when I have good posture :D )

#6 Nov 23 - 2PM

Warrior1

Seeing the Narc

Congratulation, MsVulcan500! I will be NC from my Narc for two years at the end of this week. I have seen him on occasion around town. I agree that when you've let a good amount of time pass with complete NC, it is easier to ignore them. I think I've been reading this Web site for so long, I've trained myself mentally to completely ignore the guy and to stay away from him. It's just automatic now. I know he's there. There is a mild internal reaction on my part, such as my heart jogging a little, but I just simply ignore him and pretend he isn't even there. He's invisible -- just as he should be.

#7 Nov 23 - 2PM

Leah

That's awesome

MsVulcan, I hope I'll be so strong down the road whenever I eventually bump into my ex-N. Thanks for sharing your courage - it tells me that I'll get better and one day I'll be able to look him in the eye. Right now, I couldn't. So, it's great to see you can! Really, it's great. Go YOU! -Leah

#8 Nov 23 - 8AM

chickon2

You rocked

it.. Awesome.. NC is really the only answer. You should be very proud of yourself.. YAY

#9 Nov 23 - 7AM

Anne_

wow!

you rule miss vulcan! nice to hear that things WILL get better. I'm really looking forward to being able to ignore him. I'm happy for you! xoxoxo Anne

#10 Nov 23 - 6AM

faithinthefuture

MsVulcan

What a classy lady you are! I am so happy for you! I was petrified a month ago I would run into him when I was in his hometown. Closest I came was i think I saw him in a drive thru so I left. I pray should I ever see him again I will handle it with all the dignity you did!

#11 Nov 23 - 6AM

helldweller

MsVulcan

"Wow, he is a short little f-er." OMG! This woke me up in a great way today! I know the feeling. When I found out about the OW and he left for a week I saw him for the first time and thought, "OMG what a dork." And yes, short. In every way. wink wink. I am so proud of you! And I love the way your friend was looking out for YOU because you are so awesome! So great! Go girl!

#12 Nov 23 - 6AM

ABC0311

You rock!

Congrats!!!

#13 Nov 23 - 6AM

onwithmylife

miss Vulcan

Way to go you did great. i really do not know if I could have handled it s well as you did, GREAT!!!!

#14 Nov 23 - 5AM

becsta777

yay!

That is so great! I haven't seen the narc since he left six months ago and I don't think I could handle it. I think I'd probably launch myself on him and try to kill him. I'm sure if I was near him he would try to charm me and get me in a conversation and would just start messing with me again. I have these little fantasies that I'll see him one day when he's back in the country and he'll be in a broken stage because everyone has seen his true colours and rejected him. And I'll look totally hot and have a wonderful guy by my side and I'll push him over and grind his face into the dirt....:) But I'd settle for one day just being able to walk past him in the street, composed and graceful with my shades on like I just don't care :) Good for you!

#15 Nov 23 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

Godhasaplanforme

OH MY GOD, i have the exact

OH MY GOD, i have the exact same fantasy hhahaahahahahaha

#16 Nov 23 - 5AM

Alive

Great

Hope you feel good today! :)

#17 Nov 23 - 4AM

Scoop

Well done you very nicely

Well done you very nicely handled . Its funny you say that he was a short fucker , i always thought my narc was tall but he wasnt it was because i am only 5 foot 3 and he is 5 foot 10 , what made me think he was tall was because he never met my gaze i always had to look up at him , he wouldnt look down even a little bit .... stupid twit .....the body language of donination , its an intresting subject , the other thing he would do was if we where sitting down and talking it was always me that turned to him . I noticed this and i stopped doing it so we sat there both looking straight ahead like book ends but still he wouldnt turn in to me . It begs the question is their body language natural or contrived ? Scoop x

#18 Nov 23 - 7AM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

Scoop

Mine did that, too! I would have to sit in "my" place on the couch and turn towards him, sort of perched on the end of the seat, while he sat all the way back and looked straight ahead. So freakish.

#19 Nov 23 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

MsVulcan500

Body Language

I find body language very interesting too. I think this might be something to look into. I have read things about body language in the workplace, and I'm sure these things would play into a narc "relationship" too. How to posture yourself to appear more powerful. Hmmm, I'll have to do some reading about that.

#20 Nov 23 - 5AM (Reply to #7)

Alive

Funny

you should say that. Before i knew he was a narc i read a book on body language. Everything pointed to his 'i am god' stand, his eyes were evil, his rage face evil, his total contempt look, he only looked at me when he wanted sex (during sex? that was not sex!! anyway he would put his hand on my face to push it away so i would not look at him) or if he was touching himself (you know what part) and saying 'look at this' and if he was trying to belittle me, you all know what i mean, I think it's natural. He did not know any other way. Body language and the eyes show so much. :)

#21 Nov 23 - 1AM

blueeyes

Unreal!

Fabulous feeling? I am impressed. I have kids with mine but so get get glimpes now and then but a bar? My hands may shake. lol You did great and feel great! Awesome story.

#22 Nov 23 - 1AM

gettinbetter

Yea for you!

Get ready for the Hoover! :)

#23 Nov 23 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

MsVulcan500

I thought of that

I thought of that, that he may try to contact me. So I made sure again that everything is blocked. He can't email, FB or text. Now, he can call, or email me at work, but I don't think he would call after the reaction I gave him. Because now he knows it would not go well.

#24 Nov 23 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

almostlydia

Thanks for this post, Ms.

Thanks for this post, Ms. Vulcan. This is something I have dreaded terribly, enough to create this self imposed isolation for months just to avoid it. This has been the longest time I have ever gone in 10 yrs without seeing or hearing from the exN. I am so happy for you that you faced the demon and did just as I would hope to do. And thank God for good friends like those of yours. Those are keepers for sure. I had a momentary lapse a few days ago watching football on the same sofa that we had shared for 10 yrs doing just this together, as it was our favorite thing, with the fire going, drinking beer, no cares in the world (or so I thought) and I yearned to just see his face sitting there again. Shortly after wards I began to think about that Stephen King book, Pet Cemetery and all those other stories about how that person you bring back from the dead is not the same person at all, but something evil. I realized if I were to see him again, it would be the 'new' him, totally detached, on with his new secret life, totally callous and aloof to all that was before. That ended all thoughts of that. Enjoy this moment. You conquered another major obstacle. Thanks for the inspiration. almostlydia

almostlydia

#25 Nov 23 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

gettinbetter

Oh Hell want to contact you alright...

because of the reaction you gave him betcha he does something to get your attention

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