I really really really really want to stop doing this

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 11 - 11PM

Lookonthesunnyside

I really really really really want to stop doing this

I NEED to stop doing this...I HATE that I do this. Its been 6 months since I broke it off with my ex and I am still constantly thinking of the world through his eyes. Specifically in terms of other girls or what he would find attractive. For example:

"(my ex) would think that girl was so pretty..."
"I wonder which girl (my ex) would rather sleep with..."
"(my ex) would love that girl's hair..."
"(my ex) would totally want to sleep with that girl..."
"that girl is totally his type..."
"(my ex) would probably think she has the perfect body..."

Im sooo sick of doing this and its become such an automatic response, which shows me how intensely important his opinion is to me, and how intensely self conscious I felt with him. He would tell me that I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen, that I had the nicest body, that I was the hottest girl he'd ever been with, that I had the nicest hair...blah blah. But obviously in other subtle ways my self esteem was being eroded and I want it back!

But I dont know if it was even really there to begin with. But I know I have never been so focused in on or tuned into what a guy would like/dislike. Its driving me INSANE and I just want to stop thinking of everything through his "lens".

Help!!! :( Does anyone else do this? I seriously feel like a crazy obsessed woman and its making me feel really anxious and bitter. :((((((

#2 Feb 17 - 1AM

nadine31

I do exactly the same thing.

I do exactly the same thing. It's the most gut-wrenching way to think and be. I find myself even angry at girls I see that I know he would hit on if he met; it's horrific! I think it's made worse by the fact he cheated on me with more than 10 people. (I didn't realise.) Private message me if you'd like a support buddy :)

#3 Feb 16 - 9PM

Lookonthesunnyside

Thank you so much guys, again

Thank you so much guys, again you've all made me feel so much better! I feel so lucky to have found people who understand and dont judge. It really helps to know I'm not the only one who's been through this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Everytime these thoughts pop in my head I am trying to just say "who the fuck cares what he thinks" and move on. Stupid narc

#4 Feb 12 - 1PM

Run4it

Sunnyside

I may be off base here but I would suggest that you look inside for the answer to this one. YOU are SO MUCH MORE than your face, your body, your hair. It sounds like you are a beautiful woman who is not embracing the real beauty inside of you. You will see it said here quite often that the Narc knows what your weaknesses are. It is one of their prime tools of control. He tells you that your are beautiful but here you are thinking that you are really not beautiful enough for him. I call BULLSHIT on this and you should too! He did not "stop loving" you because of this crap. He can't love. You can and the person you need to practice loving on is you. We already love you so get in front of the mirror and look at how beautiful and wonderful you are today. We love you and have never even seen you........

#5 Feb 16 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Lookonthesunnyside

Run4it you are so sweet,

Run4it you are so sweet, thank you so much for your kind words. And you are right, I am also guilty of feeling as worthy as my looks so I know I need to do my part to deal with that. I definitely dated the wrong person! But its up to me now to regain my self confidence and actually look inside, beyond my looks. Thank you xo

#6 Feb 12 - 8AM

ruby01 (not verified)

I remember

a time when I would say to myself "Stop obsessing about obsessing!" OMG, it was sooo frustrating. I am happy to say it honestly does pass with time. This is not an easy healing process and unfortunately you just have to take a deep breath and accept that it is what it is. Hang in there, xoxo, Ruby

#7 Feb 13 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

Winter

I raise my two hands for Ruby answer!!!

Yes, I did experience it too. "Stop obsessing about obsessing!" Could not have been said better! Look, honey, you are already convinced that you need to get rid of this obsessive thoughts. That his taste and girl's type is irrelevant. You have it in your concious mind. This is the most important. But, very unfortunately (or fortunately?) this is not enough for your unconcious mind to stop obsessing. It will last for a while. Now, the worst thing you can do is to actively fight with your thoughts. "What we resist persists". Just accept it, tell yourself: "It's ok. This is how I process it. it will cease eventually. Many people went through it and stopped. There is no reason it will last forever. After all, I am not bothered that much, even if I think about it." Show to your inconcious mind and to your obsession that you are being cool and not affraid of them. You'll see they'll lose their power on you. Love Winter

#8 Feb 16 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Lookonthesunnyside

Really interesting winter, I

Really interesting winter, I will try to accept the thoughts and then tell myself that his opinion doesnt matter. Who is he anyways!? God. I will say the script that you wrote to myself, thanks :)

#9 Feb 12 - 3AM

midnight7

You said all with the words

You said all with the words it has become 'an automatic response' - an automatic response comes from conditioning, addiction, habit. You were an addict, as we all were, and conditioned much like a lab rat to run the Ns maze and to be tortured in what ever way he saw fit on any given day. We have all had obsessive and all consuming thoughts during and post N relationships - this is a normal part of an addiction/conditioning. But, no one can pull you out of replaying the same tape in your head but you. You have to take control of your mind and life to live and thrive. It takes some time, many months, to process all you have experienced this is why continuing your education is vital for healing to occur. Keep reading, gaining tools to assist, comparing experiences, talk therapy perhaps (CBT) to work on the core issues which made you vulnerable to a N. Also being out in the world, living a full life, meeting healthy people. If new good memories are being continually made they will overlay the bad and confidence will build again. When you are able to stand back and objectively view a N, see exactly what they are - the mind stops continually processing it. Then the focus changes to you instead and your healing but this takes time, and with anything worth doing - it also takes hard work. Keep focused on you. Keep strong, you have everything within you to succeed. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/02/07/brain-changes-happiness This interesting article takes you through how to change that tape playing in your mind. http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/emotional-memory/

#10 Feb 16 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Lookonthesunnyside

Thank you for the links

Thank you for the links midnight! Very helpful xo

#11 Feb 12 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

IncognitoBurrito

Thank you, SunnySide and Midnight

Thank you, SunnySide and Midnight, for this post. The advice given keeps me digging deeper to climb out of this hole. SunnySide, I know what you mean. I obsessed so much, it was never-ending. 24/7 consuming. I wasn't in my right mind. I obsessed so hard, that one day I found myself just one step away from walking into a parked car!!!! Pure insanity. Totally gone, dead lights. I've never been so oblivious in my life. Very helpful stuff all around, thank you both.

#12 Feb 12 - 1AM

Sparrow

you can no longer be his

you can no longer be his puppet..............period. Take back the control. Stop "focusing" on him. I know, its hard, I remember all too well how hard it is. The secret is wanting more for yourself. To know what your worth is. The relationship with the narc is hard, and eventually becomes so very tiring. By the time he leaves you, you are so weak, disgusted, tired, heart broken. You can barely get out of bed in the morning. He is a virus...................you need to realize that. The only way you will heal, is to educate yourself on this crippled, dysfunctional human being and the effects he has on you. Realize what he has set out to do to you and stop him now, from doing any more damage. He is not worthy, you are. He is worthless. Be strong. Stay strong.

#13 Feb 11 - 11PM

Fearless

Read Lisa's Blog

sounds like you might just be stuck a bit. Read Lisa's Blog...Retrain Your Brain to Recover from the Narcissist...it could be helpful. -fefe

FeFe

#14 Feb 16 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Lookonthesunnyside

Yes, read through that as per

Yes, read through that as per your suggestion and it was really helpful! This site is great. Thanks :)

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