I Prefer Crumbs- What's wrong with me pt. 2

I continue to engage with a man who shows me over and over again that he does not want me, does not respect me, and does not care about me. And, no, to say I engage with him is too easy. I am responsible too. Yes, he always comes back. But the truth is I don’t let him go either. I have chased after him, a man who has treated me like a piece of garbage.

Well, surely, he must give me something in return, something that makes all the games and bullshit worth it. Nope, I get almost nothing from him at this point. A compliment here or there, some decent conversations, sex once in a blue, but that’s really about it. Mostly, I just give him another opportunity to reject me and shit on me while he is doing it.

So, WHY, WHY, WHY am I choosing this? And it is a choice. Well, I think it’s because I actually prefer crumbs to the whole loaf of bread. And if there is a silver lining to this ridiculous situation, it's that I must face that reality.

I grew up on crumbs. I'm not sure if my father is an N...and he is a far better man than the N I was involved with...but something about this dynamic feels similar. There is an aloofness...an unavailable and impenetrable quality to them both...and to every man I've ever really wanted.

So why do I give up some much (my freaking dignity) for so little in return? Because I have been conditioned to work for crumbs, ration them and live off of them. I am used to starving…I am comfortable needing and wanting.
My nature is extremely emotional and loving...and I have a need to express the affection I feel for others. Growing up, I think that was too much for my father - it overwhelmed him. I remember running up to him and trying to hug and kiss him when he arrived home from work...and he would always give me a little pat, brush me aside and say "you're such a pest," "stop hanging on me," or "you're so NEEDY." He still does that to me sometimes, at 31 years old, I'll ask him for a hug, and he will say the same things. He rarely complimented me....except when he'd been drinking...and even then, they were double-edged (You would be a knock-out if you'd lose weight)...or tied to him somehow (god, you are so smart...but not as smart as your dad..hahaha). But man, I craved them...and so, I would CHERISH those little crumbs, learn how to work for them, and live off of them for months and months.

I've known for a long time that there was something wrong with me in terms of dating and my relationship with men. When a guy is really into me...compliments me a lot and wants to do nice things for me...I don’t really trust him….what’s a compliment if you don’t have to work for it? Worthless. No, but it freaks me out...and I usually run away. This guy, N, is the only guy I've ever chased.

I actually started dating someone new about a month ago (at a point when I really thought I'd never hear from N again, b/c trust me, the last thing I want to do is to hurt someone else by involving them in this mess). My best friend and her husband set me up with him. He treats me as an equal, with respect...takes me out to nice places..and does nice things for me..but in a respectful way...a way that honors me and my need for space. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way. And physically, we are moving slowly...and he doesn't pressure me about that. He gives me the whole loaf of bread....and I'm not going to lie, it makes me uneasy. I don't know what to do with it. But instead of running away, I am trying really hard to sit in my feelings and work through them.

And as I've written in previous posts, I heard from my N again over the past week or so...have spoken with him and given into the temptation to a certain degree by letting the conversation get sexual. I have not seen him...and doubt I will b/c he never works that hard for me anymore..and I do believe he really just wants to know he could have me if he wanted me…and I think he also likes stringing me along b/c it makes him feel in control of his relationship with his GF. But he doesn’t want me for real.

The point is- it's the first time in my life where on the one hand, I have someone who is giving me what I deserve...and on the other, I have someone who treats me like an animal (if that). And the fact that I am drawn to him and tempted by him...when I gain nothing and could lose something valuable...it's just insane.

Yes, it's all about him....but then, after I get that and realize who and what he is, well then, it's really about me. B/c now I'm not so ignorant. Now, I am choosing crumbs. It's a choice. And as long as I go in that direction, I will never be happy.

So, I am committing here to all of you (who have been so wonderful and supportive) to do the work...to face some hard things about myself...and do what is necessary to get to the other side, the place where crumbs just don’t cut it...the place where I accept nothing less than the whole loaf of bread.