I need help understanding traumatic bonding or why he affects me still

I *wish* I could do complete NC. I find myself in such a happier space when I don't have to see him. Even if I don't initiate contact (I'm not going to! I promise to be held accountable) there is a little crossover at work that I have to have about 1 hour a week (I try to make that the max) with him in person.

Today he strolled in to the meeting late and looking SO CUTE. Y'all. I hate this man. I know who he really is. I hate how he treated me. I hate that he nearly ruined mine, and my children's' lives and I cry in thanksgiving that I'm not with him.

Until I see him

We had a small tat in the meeting, I ended up standing up for myself (and in the end, he defended me but took credit for it of course) whenI was right. Still, though, every time he made me feel inadequate came rushing back. The way he used to call me names and tell me I deserved to be treated worse because I was smarter than other people. (WHAT?)

After the meeting I just walked out and didn't say anything to him so he came in to my office to "chat". He said something about how I had moved a 10AM meeting and he DRUG HIMSELF OUT OF BED AT NINE AM to get to the office. (Now, I've been here since 8AM and worked most of the holiday yesterday. Had it been the other way around? I'd hear NOTHING but how much of a terrible person I was for not caring about my deadlines.)

He said he's gone to bed at 4:30 in the morning two nights in a row. I think he wanted me to ask why but I didn't. I know it's because of the OW he just got out of her relationship with her boyfriend and I know they hooked up. I wasn't going to ask.

Now I know, logically, that I hate him. So why am I jealous? I'm NOT, really. When I don't see him I don't care what he does. But SEEING HIM. It's a visceral emotion. I'm shaking and crying in my office and barely had to talk to him. I HATE HIM. I hate what he did to my life and how he treated me. So WHY WHY would I miss him?! I don't even want to be with him. I don't WANT to see him. I'm so happy with him not in my life. So how can one meeting set me back weeks?

I would love to look for a new job, I would. And I am. But right now I can't move jobs. I've tried and am trying. So in the mean time, I need to find some solution so I don't end up crying in my office, alone, at lunch every day.

(My sister just keeps saying, "He's horrible. He ruined you! He's so bad for you! Just remember that!" but I DO remember that. I don't understand my reaction, though.)