1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. I need help: I do matter, my real existence matters

I need help: I do matter, my real existence matters

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 3 - 11AM
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

I need help: I do matter, my real existence matters

I think I am in a phase of recovery accepting there are disordered personalities in the world and in varying degrees dysfunctional persons in lessesr degrees.

Last year I had close contact with an adult dughter which sadly I have come to accept, grieve she has the PD or at the least is severely damaged, deelusional from long term brainwashing including what her possibly P father conned her of. I hoped for the best, kept my expectations open to possible rebuild a relationship with her and reality was repeat N abuse, chaos, crazymaking, N rages..unmistakeable behaviors.

It seems a truth has haunted me from my gut "it does not atter who I am, what I do, I say, or don't...around these people...and the scary reality choosing to do what rational, logical presons live believing and have reasonable expectations has had shocking and horrific results in my lie amongs dysfunctional unhealthy to PD. EX:; work hard, save, manage your money, increase income..have no debts but a mortgage, pay cash for even big ticket itesms..cars, college.... Truth and reality amongst pathalogical persons will incite them to distort you are "buried in debts and penniless".

I came to realize or accsept factual truth and easily demonstr is pf no concern nor interest to susch people..and they have sick needs to invalidate fact, dismiss to reject even my willingness to substntiate I am truthful..shifting to yelling assignations "YOU ARE WRONG!"

I believe I have been psycholgically overwhelmed due to FOO and imme pathlagoical personalites. I have not been able to assimilate there are people who don't care..about truth..to be truthful, authentic, honest...and who will say anything and make anything up to maintain they are superior to deny, lie their personal reality..even their persoanl fiances..focusing on a target to maintain a crazy game of "I'm not....it's not me...it's YOU/some target!

I've come to accsept what so many people disbelive..if one has not been exposed to such personalities..and that nothing I or others do or is real or true..they'll distort it, negate and counter with extreme opposistes.

I am hoping some others here have already passed through this stage as one comes to realize you aare not...the crazy person...and you know truth from distortions and you know you csan be who you are, flaws, warts and all and you don't live saying negtive distorted garbage about other people or projections..!

I am facing how severely sick, abusive, cruel and afflicted our other was...she died declaring shse was "smart"..but she scould not be who she was without telling us, humiliating us, we are "stupid"...and I am distraught..facing relity or maybe accsepting the severity of abuse I grew up in, married into later esclting and other abusers telling em this is "normal" what "good people do".
I did not do it..so they'd have me believe I am "all wrong" and "crazy". I excelled in college, with a traveling spouse, working part tie, four children under the age of nine.....and I have not ever lived declaring self something not true..distorting and screaming..or like the pyscho I lived with smiling in a soft while telling you..yo are stupid.

I am at the precipace..of aceptane, detatchment to free yself of people like this..and restore myself to former wholeness (ppre ptsd) from the more I did rel, accoplishments, achievements, or generosity...a nightmereish hell...annihalating me..destroying me, and things I earned to deserve including my conscience, character and reputation.

These people have perverted reactions..andI don't want to hear it or be around it..nothing I was, did...nothing made a difference...worse..crazily wht people do to make posistive difference..attentive, loving, giving, cheerful..I got told esclating debasing humiating degradation.

Feb 3 - 2PM
rache
rache's picture

peacewarrier

I grew up being called stupid,crazy,dumb-by people who were so messed up that they thought NORMAL was BAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see where you are coming from,as,i've been there.Just realize,that,there is NOTHING abnormal about you.And YOU DO MATTER! ((HUGS))
Feb 3 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

peacewarrior

You're right, it's important to accept the fact that there are some highly disturbed individuals out there who think in completly abnormal terms. I used to think there were some really bad folks in the world but I thought I'd never hook up with one of them?? Who does? Who goes looking? Nobody does. They seek us out because of the good people we are. If you are unfotunate to be raised by them, like several of us here, what they are feels like normal to us, which makes it even more fun to work to try to salvage some self-esteem. Just the fact that you are thinking this way, and have come to these conclustions shows how incredibly strong you are. You somehow figured it out after being over-exposed to so much abuse. NOT everyone is able to do this. Good for you! Please keep reading through the site, you will find much more validation that you may have thought possible.
Feb 4 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Never in my wildest imagination....

I used to think there were some really bad folks in the world but I thought I'd never hook up with one of them?? That is the shock of it because none of us knew what they really were. Now we can no longer sit back and say, why would someone be with someone like that, now we know personally how this happens, being with someone that has double lives, and the neighbors always say, he was the nicest man who would ever think.... They were the nicest to us too at one time and look what we discovered
Feb 4 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
peacewarrior
peacewarrior's picture

Thank you ladies for your

Thank you ladies for your replies. Please accept my apologies for my numerous typos I did not correct. After almost two years of no contact with family except one member being back in contact I discovered the chaos amongst people who speak using words as tools and weapons, to manipulate and control and the tactics of verbal abuse were something I can live without. After having chosen I had had enough N abuse postioned to do all, give, all and no reciproctiy and punishsed with more abuse post projections mirroring pathalogic behavior on me I realize I did myself a favor. I survived having no family including my own adult children. I can say this now: there will ever be extreme chaos, high conflict, abuse, N rage dishing out punishments including months of silent teatment to throw up boundareies around persons who wnt none so they can smear their self off on me, projections, disortions due to sick needs to maintain they are "perfect" grandiosity as in pathalogical delusions including disregard human beings are not objects without feelings or needs. It is not an overstatement to say I've been treated like some "thing" that was to keep giving, providing, doing all like a washing machine ordered to get sent elsewhere for "fixing" so I'll come back and take more "you you..you need to be fixed"!!! As the abuse escalated, the chaos, wreckage all projected, lied onto me..to destroy the object the rage escalated to physcial violence. I am recovered and beyond the point to tolerate any abuse protecting my self by removing myself from abusive people. Boundaries and limts (which is saying no to unacceptable things) incites rage, ridicule,, projections. I finally got it some people can not be gotten through to, or don't care..became disconnected emotionally and feel good hurting other people. I also know they feel sick power not internal happiness or joy. Wow..one way to be and feel sane is to stay away from diabolical pathalogic persons delusional they are the "all good people" as they lie, con, get to deceive, cause destruction battering another person (me) I must own the duplicite and malicious behavior or brainwash me it's my fault I desersve it. I am giving teh have ho to mental illness..sexerting control over me. Next: overcome remaining ptsd aversions due to N abuse, N distortions. I want my real self back and live as I chose and with integrity not terror I'll be distorted to the opposite extreme...annihalated to use as a projection screen.