I LIED, I do have something that is not quite behind me

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#1 Feb 19 - 12PM
neverlookback
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I LIED, I do have something that is not quite behind me

I was expressing this concern to a friend who is also recovering; Even out over a year this remains with me, I cant seem to forget how deeply I loved his illusion. I am fully aware of what he is, I have accepted he is a psychopath with all my heart but I wish I could forget what I once felt at the onset of this relationship, even knowing now it was a pretense I STILL FELT all the emotions associated with finding "the one" and/or soul mate. I have let the illusion go but how do we forget how it felt?

Perhaps time is a great healer, and this is the last part we truly forget and move on from. Maybe this should be treated as losing the love we felt for someone to a tragic death, but I cant even fairly say that because what I loved was never real. Any input on getting over this hurdle? x0

Feb 29 - 2AM
Janakita
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I'm struggling with the same thing Never Look Back!

Thank you for the positive messages on this post everyone =) I believe in us! xoxo
Feb 19 - 9PM
SundaySmile
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what lie?

Never, that is not a lie. It is acceptable and within norm (even when it feels horribly abnormal) to mourn the man he wanted you to fall for. This is the reason we are on this forum. Because we loved the lie HE made to lure, D&D. It hurts. We may understand and accept the nature of what happened and what he is. But that does not mean you have to negate how YOU feel or felt. That is not lying. Trauma - such as you experienced - prompts survivors to make sense of madness and turmoil. But what if you understand what happens or happened to you - and know what he is. You know what his MO and the outcome is. What if you understand all of these things? Does it mean you lied about how you felt? What you feel now? Even knowing all this? IMO - NO. In trauma you cannot always make sense of insanity. If ever. But sometimes we tell ourselves lies to cope and come through it alive instead of blaming ourselves and ending our existence as we know it. How many times have we heard the buzz code " I am SOOOOOooo over it. I don't care." I dont know about you...but for me, I care. I still do. But I care more about me now and sharing life with reciprocal love. And when I find that love...then I can say I care MORE about that new person with whom I have a healthy relationship with. And not him. And in time. Healthy relationships nurture healing. As does doing the work. Stop beating yourself up. You were traumatized.
Feb 19 - 3PM
Journey
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Me too

Out for over 2 years and I would prefer to forget the illusion too. He was a perfect match - we were so completely compatible and a lot of that was not fabrication - he just happened to also be disordered. It is hard if not impossible to forget how right and complete our love felt. It is exactly like their memory must be allowed to pass on as if we lost them through death. It WAS like death. In some cases very sudden and unexpected. Illusion or not, our love was always in us and he manipulated it to grow and trust that it safely could. Kind of like he sprinkled fertilizer on it so we'd attach more quickly, bond more deeply and believe more confidently that what we had WAS real. Getting over this hurdle might not be something we can just do, it might only be a matter of allowing and encouraging it to be diminished in importance, which takes time and distance, just like grieving a death does. Journey on...

Journey on...

Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
abreva
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"we were so completely

"we were so completely compatible and a lot of that was not fabrication - he just happened to also be disordered." me too. that's part of what kept me hanging on -- we had everything in place to have a beautiful rich life together. he just wanted to destroy it. or was incapable of preserving or maintaining it.
Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Journey
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Exactly, my ex seemed to want

Exactly, my ex seemed to want to try to maintain something, to FEEL something and looking back, I remember times he seemed frustrated that he couldn't. Those were times he'd withhold, withdraw, need space - often the worst of it happening right after the most intense and fun closeness. It didn't even dawn on me to think it wasn't possible for him to remain in that intimate happy place because he was suffering from a personality disorder.

Journey on...

Feb 19 - 1PM
IncognitoBurrito
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It's weird

It's weird, isn't it? I don't think it says anything bad about us. ExN just had sufficient enough practice to con people effectively. It's a skill they've honed from early childhood. They have that leg up on us from the get-go. I don't want that kind of knowledge. I'd rather take away from the experience what red flags to look for. The nice thing is, now we have a little bit better of an idea of how to recognize the signs, and steer away from these people. We've been given the gift of insight into the Ns secret reality. We'll never be able to be so naive again. That's priceless!
Feb 19 - 1PM
Sparrow
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It's not a hurdle. And it

It's not a hurdle. And it isn't something you want to forget nor should you. They were real, your feelings, and they were the only thing real about the relationship. It's a beautiful thing to know that you can truly love. Never let that go............it is who you are. You are intact. You will find a true man to give your love to one day. When you least expect it. The important thing is, you are equipped to syphon through the bad eggs, the unworthy, the disordered. And eventually find a man deserving of your love.
Feb 19 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
neverlookback
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But Sparrow and all

Will I ever feel that type of passion and love again ? Maybe the reason I examine it as a "hurdle" is because the love was never returned to me only in the form of some sick illusion and maybe this is where the deep hurt is still coming from. It brings me to tears at times remembering the deep deep love I felt for this illusion - Its the most mind F------g experience to recover from loving a pretense and illusion - because you arent really mourning the person but just an idea of what you thought it was. That's a good point to remind me of Sparrow "the only thing that was real in the entire relationship was MY love"; he just fed me the pretense the he knew I would love. I will try to look at this from a different angle.
Feb 19 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Sparrow
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Of course you will feel love

Of course you will feel love and passion again. Maybe not to the extreme that you did with the disordered. He made you believe he was too good to be true which in turn made you fall head over heals in love with him . All by design to win you over, make you his.............maybe the passion will be not so over the top and maybe the love won't be so over the top. But real passion and real love does not make you do things that are out of character for you. Real love, I believe, will feel honest, you will know it in your heart. It because of its truth, it will feel more wonderful than anything you felt with the disordered. If a man like him attempted a relationship with you now that you have healed, he wouldn't get past the first date with you.
Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

A little Sparrow

touched something pretty deep within myself today as I was sobbing after I read your reply - you hit something that has been really tormenting me. You are so right, I never really really felt in my heart that it was right, but I wanted to believe it was right as we all did. It was "too good to be true" and boy was it ever. Ingognito,Journey and everyone thank you for your input and sharing your thoughts with this - this can really serve as an example of even though we have come to understand what they were, the healing, recovering and journey still continues but it takes a different shift; its a shift from within we focus on ourselves to complete the cycle of our recovery. Thank you for helping me put this struggle in a better perspective x0x0x0
Feb 19 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Sparrow
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You are very welcome my

You are very welcome my friend! I was talking to one of our members tonight about the same thing basically. And I believe that we should take this experience and realize something very valuable to us. We can love truly, we can love honestly, and we can love the way only human beings can love. We can love as love was intended. Unconditionally.................we are so fortunate. No matter how hard it hurts in the end, to love is the most precious and the most important emotions of all. Never try and change that about yourself. There will be a day when the recipient of your love will be forever thankful to have met you. And the love he returns to you will be sincere and true.
Feb 19 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
IncognitoBurrito
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I know this is

I know this is directed toward Sparrow, but I just wanted add some encouragement and to say: Of course you will! You will experience real love, because you are capable of giving it. Someone will fully appreciate that one day, and return it to you. Believe it! Although, maybe the "excitement" level won't be nearly as high. Because real love has a bit more of a monotonous, continuous, steady, even pace, and flow to it. But it feels more meaningful, without all the drama. There is more depth to real love. I can't explain it. You'll know it when it hits you. It'll happen for you. When it does, you will appreciate it, and hold onto it all that much more because of everything you've been through.
Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
neverlookback
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You said it right there

You will experience real love, because you are capable of giving it. Someone will fully appreciate that one day, and return it to you The love will be returned - something we NEVER had with the disordered ones, stop and imagine what a wonderful thing that will be x0
Feb 19 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
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Very well said Incognito!

Very well said Incognito! You are exactly right. I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for adding your post!
Feb 29 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
aaronkully
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love

People Holi Status encounter of really like is as they discover out it. They may not know really like until they do. Yet, so much love.