I left my N husband and somehow got engaged to another N! And he just left me. Back at Square 1

History repeats itself. 4 years ago I was absolutely traumatized, a shell, suicidal after my now ex husband N and I separated. I found this site and used it excessively and daily to help make sense of the madness I had just come out of, as well as leaning on members to heal from the psychological, emotional and mental trauma I had endured and somehow survived. I owe my N recovery to this site. It was a long and ugly road filled with many lows but ultimately I healed and moved on and found love again. I was free! But first, a quick snapshot of my ex N husband: charming, gregarious, successful, gorgeous, adored and adorned by all, a professional athlete: Mr. Perfect. Outwardly he shown like the sun; inwardly he was an evil, lost, deceitful, porn addicted, drug addicted, absusive monster. His eyes were black as night and he possessed a selfishness and lack of empathy/evil that only Scott Peterson rivaled. And I loved him. Madly.

You can say that in actuality he was the one who was "mad" but perhaps I was the crazy one for allowing and accepting so much toxicity and abuse. I was so brainwashed that I too began to question reality and my own sanity. His behavior was bewildering. We went to counseling due to his porn addiction, lack of empathy, control and abuse patten. The psychologist within 10 minutes, in spite of his charm, said to him, "You are a Narcissist" in not so many words. I thought more along the lines of "Sociopath" but Narcissist fit him just as nicely. At any rate, a few days after our counseling session I left him. He didn't put up a fight; he was glad I was leaving. Now he had free reign to sleep with the entire neighborhood (the women flocked to him), watch as much porn as he desired, do as much coke as he wanted, and whatever other sick addictions he loved. He was on a joy ride and I was left in emotional hell, financially ruined, PTSD, psychologically unwell, and picking up the pieces of a life that I no longer wanted to live. I'd lay in the bathtub with no water and pray that God would take my life. I saw no end in sight to the emotional torment I was in and I truly believed I would never heal.

Fast forward 1 year and I met a wonderful man. He too was going through a divorce except he had 3 children. I was only 32 when I met him and perfectly OK with his circumstances. He was attractive, successful, charming, great body, (no, I am not seeing the red flags), and very fun to be around. He took my pain away and I fell hard. Deep in love. My soon-to-be X N husband was in the dust. I would talk to my new love interest about what my husband had put me through and he seemed appalled, so empathetic. After a few years of dating my new love was showing all the familiar signs: addiction, withholding intimacy, irratic behavior, emotional abuse and he'd go MIA for weeks at a time then cry and beg for me back. I knew better but he wasn't nearly as bad as my ex so I continually took him back...for 3.5 years nearly. He was bipolar and I and out of rehab but he was so good at running his company, loving his children, making love to me and such a good provider that I always looked past the abuse, neglect and isolation. We got engaged and within 2 months he vanished. Said he can't be with me because he doesn't know how to communicate, he said all I did was love him and all he did was treat me bad, he said he still feels guilt for leaving his ex wife, he knows he's an abuser and is now in therapy to fix himself, etc. His dad is a raging N and abandoned him and is now a multimillionaire and sees him a few times a year.

At any rate, he is showing no empathy, giving me no closure, just apologizes for ruining my life and is being very cold yet I didn't do anything wrong! He left ME. He says he'll never find anyone better, more loving, better with his children, more beautiful, etc. His ex wife was gorgeous, kind, loving, successful, smart. He left her too. I guess I should have seen it coming. He left me after only 2 months of proposing and over 3 years together. I'm devastated and feel like I'm reliving the separation and divorce of my X N. How did this happen to me TWICE?!?!