I know he is a self centred narc so why is it when he is here I still want to kiss and touch him!!!!

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#1 Sep 26 - 12PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I know he is a self centred narc so why is it when he is here I still want to kiss and touch him!!!!

I dont know what to do, I know this is the usual, same old same old, but what can you do to stop yourself being so deeply attracted too and needy of the narc.
Its like your hormones are beggin you to jump on him.. To get some more of the doped up oxytocin rush that you get with these guys...

In theory you know he has treated you very poorly. You have been doubled over in pain and cried your self hoarse and weak.
You could tell your friends the long list of stories, a long list of obstuctive behaviours and selfish personality traits.

But when he is standing in front of you smiling and being polite, its like you can just let all the heart ache and fear disopate until you have given yourself a list of reasons why he isnt that bad after all. You start to think it might be you or that you could do somethign to make it better...
I asked him to stay for dinner even tho I am sure it would be better not too.

He dropped our son off and he has grown a beard and he looks pretty hot. He is 8 years younger than me and tho that sometimes can be a source of frustration because of he can be so god damn immature at times. Doing stuff that shows me he has no real intent of growing up. His ropy career path and intention not to work in legitiamet work at all costs etc.. moving miles away wiht out a car and sellign his phone cos he was skint etc etc.. But My god, he is sexy.. AND I fancy him rotten.

I have had a chilled weekend to myself. I have been running and training martial arts today and getting back to me. I guess I wasn't feelign the deep usual anger towards him as is the general. But My god I had to really hold myself back form just diving on him and it was really very difficuilt... I did it.. but I could have let him back in, broken the boundaries I have tried hard to get in place and all in the space of about three seconds..

I dont know that it ever goes away. I guess you have to just get strong and even though on the surface they seem possibly to be impersonating a loveable human who can meet your needs on some levels. The levels where it really counts.. well you know he will never be able to come through on those levels. True Intimacy, reliability, empathy, depth of focus to your needs as a fellow human... all the rest of it, the ... 'arguing down into the ground, perplexing you and bamboozeling you into a permanent state of confusion... the jeckyl and hyde flip in and out thing... its just mental stuff...

SO.. I JUST NEED TO SAY..
IT WAS REALLY REALLY HARD!!!!!

Does anyone else get absolutly messed up trying to figure this stuff out?
I feel really sad now after feeling really good and upbeat...
When does the hurt go away completely???
x

Sep 28 - 12PM
janine
janine's picture

Fierflie and Jen:about those endorphines

Perhaps I can help you clear up what had you so confused. Not that I'm an expert, have just been reading about brain chemistry, fascinating stuff. There is phenyl-ethylamine, an endorphine substance, that creates this "in love"high. It is also in dark chocholate, but you'd have to eat an awful lot to feel the effect. What attracts us to bad boys is adrenaline (another name for it is epinephrine), produced in the adrenal glands as a reaction to danger. There was this famous test, where guys would run into an attractive female while crossing a shaky bridge over a wild river. The other group of guys would run into her on a normal road. She gave each of them her tel.no.asking them to call. Most of the first group did, only a few of the other. Meaning that risk and danger add to the attraction. Since I'm an adrenaline junkie, too, I can only confirm this.
Sep 26 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Really Sexy!

I haven't seen mine since July; however, after fully processing...wait...nope I haven't fully processed, but I know the pain I feel and I am having a hard time finding the cause of my pain...Sexy. I'm not feeling like jumping his bones...maybe breaking his bones, but not jumping them unless I'm wearing steel toed boots and jumping ON his bones...no...not feeling that; however, I am not the judge of what is normal...we go through stages and our thoughts are irrational on some levels I guess. I think if you go back to your post last week when you felt like doing yourself in...those feelings about his sexiness will disappate really quick. I am glad you held yourself back...but work on changing your thinking as well as until you do, you are still at risk and even more so because you share a child. Good luck.
Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I want to add..

I am not judging you and my tone maybe sounds cynical and harsh...that's because I am, but please know I don't mean my tone to sound judgemental...just trying to get you away from the thought. There is nothing sexy about your man...beard or not. It's all part of his newly created "character"... It was all an Illusion...remember that...
Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Thanks Michelle115... I am

Thanks Michelle115... I am not offended by youtr post. Your right of course. Tho a few weeks ago when I was very down, I made that happnen without the help of the narc. I did that to myself. ALL by my own doing.. Sleeping with some looser from the pub.. I think he was a narc too. very much... NASTY!!!! but I was driven tot hat point by feeling so rejected and unlovable.. I think I thouht if I could pull some dude, amnyoen then I was a woman again. I felt like he took my feminity waway and I was just a an androd or soemthing.. OF course it made me feel worse... But I am so greatful for your post today.. I know his sexuality comes from a place of my own perceptions. When he is a abusive ass, then I pity him and depsise him.. It was simply becasue he was being polite and amenable. It threw me. The last two times I have come home and he is sitting, I have shouted at him pretty much to get out.... He is not paying me enough money at the moment and I am facing financial ruin becasue of all the bedt he wracked up in my name. How can I find that sexy????? YOur so right!!!! I guess it just threw me to feel like that after so long of hating him and wishing him a million miles away.. Just dont know what triggered me to feel like that today.. ?? So Yea, an allusion. I know.. thanks..x
Sep 26 - 2PM
jen79
jen79's picture

you want sex with him cause you are afraid.

Two things: Because Sex was the only thing through which you ever experienced true initimicy with him. and Cause when a woman is scared, she produced phenyladrenlkkjkjlkjn blablah what ever, a hormone that is released when you are in love AND when you are afraid. So what you actually feel is, that he is dangerous, its a misinterpretion in your brain.
Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

yea, when we had sex it was

yea, when we had sex it was closest we got to true intimacy. guess in the beginning it was all sex, so I never knew he couldn't hug or touch without it being sexual. But now I guess thats why I want to 'have' him.. Its Total crap... Thanks all for reminding me of that.. I have to say also.... that something triggred a memory in my mind of how mean and selfish he is about an hour afterwards and it was immensely empowering.... would share but its long and unnecessary.. Just made me realise that I want a real proper loving man in my life or no man at all.. SO I am onto the next level now.. thank God. x thanks all. xx
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

jen....

what is this? i must learn about it!! i wanted me x to f- me so bad when i was scared he was leaving. do men produce this too when they are afriad? and i always told him, why won't you just make love to me? at least we can connect in that way, but he refused me...
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
jen79
jen79's picture

fierflie

I am sorry I cant find it any more,It is something like phenyadrenaline or phenylendorphine....I just watched for the video where I heard about it, and its not there any more. It is when you feel danger, then this hormone is released, it is one explanation why woman like "bad boys". it is also released when you are in love with a couple of other hormones as well. Yes I think men have that too, they were studies that showed that after some dangerous things happened you went through together, the brain misinterpretes the fact to feel excited and thinks the cause for it is the partner they are with. Thats why its said a good marriage includes shared activities.
Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I've heard that nine months

I've heard that nine months after a natural disaster (like an earthquake, tornado) there is a huge increase in births. After such an experience, people get really horny LOL!! It makes sense. Evolutionarily speaking (is that a word?) after a natural disaster, many people were killed. So, get on with that "be fruitful and multiply" stuff. Jen, that is fascinating. I have always been attracted to "bad boys". I still am, and I know it, and I just recognize it and run in the opposite direction. So I guess I am conditioned (probably by my Narc father) to be attracted to men that frighten me, to some degree. I sense violence in them, be it emotional or physical, and BANG, I am in love :barf: . Since they are uncovering so much of our behavior has a hormonal/neurotransmitter component, it would make sense. Hell, nothing ELSE does.
Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
jen79
jen79's picture

Ditto Briseis

I have a narc father too. And I did everything to find someone who is not like him. But this program seems to run on an unconcsious level, and if I sense potential violence in a man, with much testosterone - bham! I try to train myself how it feels to feel love without the anxiety, to differ it better in future. I dont want to fall into that trap ever again!
Sep 26 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

On my way to work yesterday

On my way to work yesterday I heard something on the news about Oxytocin. They are using it to treat social anxiety/shyness. They give it in a nasal spray and these folks who were so uncomfortable became more interactive. On another forum I read about how Oxytocin is the "bonding hormone" and just SEEING or smelling your lover gives you a surge. It just makes you want to go over and hug and kiss, or hopefully more than that. When I see my grandson (19 months old) I just want to run over and EAT him up LOL!! . I rush over to hold him and kiss on him before I even think. I have pet geese and when I hold them, I feel so calm and good. Yeah, I know :blush: . There is a recent study about how the logical "thinking" brain is connected to the emotional (older) brain. The emotional brain has a billion one way connections to the higher functions (like logic) but the connections don't go back to the emotional brain. That's why we can't just switch off feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions can come up and whack us upside the head but we can't turn around and whack them back! So when your Narc appears before you, your logical brain, which tells you he is BAD NEWS, gets flooded with Oxytocin and emotion. But you can't go back the other way and tell your emotional brain that this is a bad man and to STOP jonesing for him. Anyway . . . I really don't know what can be done, except for NO CONTACT. The less opportunity your brain has to flood your logic with Oxytocin and emotion, the better. For me, when I got rid of my exNarc, I was INSANE about not seeing him. I would go into panic mode. I avoided seeing him at all costs. I knew myself. I loved this man, it KILLED me to see him. Yes, I loathed him too, knew what and who he was. But that wasn't enough.
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

it really worries me how mallaiable I Am for him...

Yes I hear you. I know no contact is the only way I can move forward but its so tricky. He has to drop our son to house and we have to have dioalogue about shcool drop ofs and pick ups and money and other mundane parenting stuff. So I ask him to stay for food cos out son likes it... like nothing has gone before that would make me spit on him in reality.. I seem to forget the insanity and the chaos he casues with his whims and fancy's. He has this god damn 2000 grand bike that he cant even afford to get fixed. The part that needs fixing is 300 quid... MY god I could buy a bike for myself and my son for that kind of money... I know he is driven by 'self seeking' need to win and be the ever prevailing winner at all costs in everything... and yet I still have this odd urge to reach out for him.. Sometime he can be a total moody rude sh*t bag and its easier. Its much easier when he is rude, abrubt, difficuilt, etc.. but today it was really hared not to just reach out and hold him. I worry that this mean sI have not yet doen the work... I have my first proper date in a few weeks and I think I am a obviously not ready to have a proper date until this person is out of my life... It worries me...
Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I hear you

It probably should worry you a bit. I know it's just a date, but say this guy ends up really liking you . . . and there you are still struggling with your exNarc. Not real fair to him, and a real problem for you. Anyway, you are trying very hard to make a working balance for yourself and your son. It's a work in progress, remember! You can adjust and change this to better meet your needs as time goes on. One thing that helped me was to try and be objective about my feelings. You can't stop them, they are spontaneous, they just happen as part of the way your brain works. So when a feeling like wanting to be affectionate with him comes up, you can say to yourself "I am having that feeling again". It helps put a little distance between your rational brain and the feeling. That little bit of distance helps you not act out on the feeling. NOT acting out on feelings is one the hardest things we get to do. I think it's just the way we are made. It's never easy . . . but I think it's part of maturity. Just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you aren't doing your "work", or that you are farther behind than you think you are. It just means you are responding to him in habitual ways. We get a bit programmed. It's just how we are. The key is to not act out on them. That we have perfect control over. Even if it's all you can do to NOT reach out for him, you still can't touch him unless you stick out your arm and do it. He doesn't control your arm. YOU DO. This is a very hard process, full of pitfalls and surprises and disappointments. There's no getting around that. There is no one alive who goes through this without a lot of trouble. So you are right on track :) It sucks, bad, but it's the nature of the beast right now, and if you continue to refuse to act out on feelings for him, and keep up your hard work otherwise, it WILL get better, I promise :)
Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Thanks B. I see very clearly

Thanks B. I see very clearly that I have the power... I see I was more in control that I thought really... For what it is worth.. I didnt reach out and hold him. I dint try to kiss him or ask him to stay over.. I asked him to stay for food which was polite and kind and is me all over.. but I kepy my boundaries and retained my self in anonymity to him. I am pretty pleased really that I managed to withstand the charm and the hormonal rush.. TO be honest, its a bit like meditating.. You 'Witness' the thoughts in your mind as they come up but you do not follow the 'threads' into other thoughts.. WE know that the mind behaves like a monkey, flitting about, never sitting still and always on the look out for the next thread.. meditation is a pratcise which is about not dullign the mind and making it sit still. It sis impossible unless your a well practised yogi I guess... Meditation is more about allowing the thoughts to come and go without reacting or allowing then to arrous emotion content or stimulating the doing/acting part of the brain. SO being around him is the same.. I see him, I hear him, I can feel the emotions he makes me feel by being around me... and yet I can 'witness' those elements of myself and then as they come up I let them go again... I recognise my weakness earlier.. Its not my fault. He has had the hold over me form the first day I met him in the grocery store.. and yet he financially crippling me right now, and smiling sweetly while he is doing it, amongst a whole host of other crap stuff. and yet I still am in the mind set that I 'want' him.. Poppy coK. I can see that now.. Thanks all. YOu have helped me soooo much.
Sep 26 - 12PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

oh hell yeah. mine is 14

oh hell yeah. mine is 14 years older than i am, an attorney. for some reason, though, to me, he's really sexy. he's freakin evil, nasty, mean, dirty, shitty and i hate him. but yeah, i miss feeling him on top of me and teh rush i got from a pat on the head for him. here is what my friend said and it really got through to me 'you have to be stronger than your feelings'. if you study martial arts seriously, there is an element of mind over matter... mind over body... even mind over your own mind. think of it as you are sparring a competitor who is ruthless and much better than you are, and you must not show your weakness. your hand is bleeding but you still must hold the sword. when you win the battle, and you haven;t shown your enemy your weakness, you can triumph over him and put your foot on his chest like KALI :) ok... i'm in an odd mood. i finally slept last night... lol
Sep 26 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Don't give up your power.

A friend of mine once told me "Don't give up your power." And I still keep that close to my heart. Once when my XH (not a narc) came by I wanted to throw myself on the floor and wrap my arms around his leg and beg him to come back. But I literally turned my back to him and started chanting that sentence to myself over and over like a mantra, and I let him leave and I was okay because I didn't give up my power. That is what I am doing today. Not giving up my power. By not contacting him, he has no control over me physically or emotionally. He does not know if he hurt me, he does not know if I miss him, he doesn't know anything about me. So no matter what I am doing or thinking, he does not know it!! And that gives me the power.