I just tested my N and here's the note I received

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#1 Aug 2 - 4PM

Happy1

I just tested my N and here's the note I received

okay fine. I just tested my N. We had this supposedly great weekend that I guess he must of created because he told me he loved me for the first time. I asked him if he could take a day off for 'me' in the future. He has only taken days off for his son. This was his loving response to me.

from my N -
What is your problem? I can't believe how you were able to find some things to start bitching about even before you drove away last night.

Now the accusations start flying and I'm already sick of it. There was/is no secret about this weekend. I didn't tell you about the upcoming weekend just because Tammy said something about it. You mentioned it and I told you what I was thinking. Why is there supposedly some sort of secret in that? Why is there something insidious about that? Jesus.. I figured that we would talk about it this week and work out a plan.

BUT, because it does not fit your view of how things SHOULD be, you go off accusing me and acting like a complete ass. You start doling out situations where I can't please you so that you can start going off bitching at me.

With regard to vacation time.. I only have three weeks a year now. I've spent over a week already. I still have to deal with holidays and oh by the way, the people here are already pissed that I've taken so much time off. So I have to deal with that. Now I have to deal with you acting like this because I can't take time off. As usual, no ability at all to understand. No ability at all to even try to understand that there might be things that are behind the scenes that you don't know about. Nope. You just go off and start your usual routine of bitching, accusing and treating me like shit.

Thanks a lot. According to you, things would be better and that you would behave differently if I help to try to make you feel secure. I did that this weekend and I dare you to find fault with ANYTHING that I did this weekend except try to please you and make you happy and to have a good time.

But that doesn't stop you does it? No. Not at all. You lie again about 'Things will be better' or 'I will be better and I won't do that again if we just have another chance'. Lies.

Why don't you just go ahead and steal my phone or hack into my email account to dig up something you can use to put the blame on me. That's the only thing that's missing from this stupid situation.

Thanks for fucking up a nice weekend and a nice time.

I really appreciate that.

#2 Aug 3 - 5PM

sarahb

just reading this

just reading this as a bystander, I feel like I have been assaulted by a crazy person...and, like I need a shower to wash off the evil. please, do not question yourself. he is one calculating, evil slime ball. FLEE FROM HIM! FLEE FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

#3 Aug 3 - 1PM

Briseis

OK, you tested him.

FAIL!!!!! One little itty bitty request. And it was enough to loose an AVALANCHE of abuse and narcissistic ranting nonsense. One weekend where he behaves himself is supposed to even the score. Oh wait, YOU are not allowed to keep score. Silly you! How dare you behave like a real person?

#4 Aug 3 - 5AM

Scoop

You know what happy1 my narc

You know what happy1 my narc could have writen the exsact same bollock . they build you up to knock you down again i will tell you a story of my 4th d&d we had just spent a whole weekend in bed , hanging out at my house proberly not putting an clothes on the whole time , my lips where sore through all the kissing and the mariton sex we had had . On sunday evening we went to this pub by the river and a song came on in the hazy summer pub garden , it was a love song and he lent over to kiss me and the other table started to cheer at us for being so in love and such a beautiful couple . I went to powder my nose and when i got back he said "im going to france to see french girl to see if there is anything between us and if there isnt i will come back and commit the rest of my life to you "..... it would have been kinder for him if he just got a sledge hammor to my temple . I went into shock , i remember feeling really cold and i started this shaking that i couldnt stop ., i went to voise my dismay and he said "Scoop you dont love me because if you did you would want me to be happy "..... I oftern wonder weather to start a text book of narcy ways and my story of that summer weekend would be chapter one as it encapulates the crazy making actions of this disorder , and happy1 youre narcs email would be chapter 2 . He is a clasic narc , there is no changing him , you can not love him better , you can only leave them . By the way he never went to france to see french girl he was too busy sitting on his arse all day smoking pot .

#5 Aug 3 - 8AM (Reply to #61)

Happy1

It's amazing how they build

It's amazing how they build us up to knock us down. But what he doesn't get is I'm onto this stupid game he is doing. This control game with this cruel and blaming emails. Where in the hell does my insecurity show in asking him for a day off? By him throwing my supposed insecurity in my face every single day he thinks he is tearing me down. He did for a very long time. Now I just look at the notes and laugh because I know what he is doing. He trying to belittle me as much as possible. He's a sorry ass is what he is. It's interesting yours said he was going to France to meet up with a chick and never went. He wanted to take you down for being so darn happy. That's how I look at it. They don't want us to be happy for long. They want to control that. My N is going to Europe on the 10th. He says it's for business but I don't believe him and I don't care right now. I asked him 2 times for the dates itinerary and guess what? Those notes get completely ignored amazingly. The only reason I know the date is because his ex shared that with me when the N and I weren't talking. Yes, these are the textbook N's that we have and I think we could write a book about them. It would have to be under the horror section. Hugs!

#6 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #62)

loveofmylife

Threats

Mine also would threaten that he was going to leave me and do something else unless i would "hurry up" and commit to him; and it turned out it was all a game. he never intended to do these other things...it was made up to get me to hurry and and beg him to stay or whatever....ughhhhhh1!!!!!!!1

#7 Aug 3 - 6AM (Reply to #59)

moonshine

really?

Scoop...did he really say that? no wonder you cant stop shaking. I have gone through the same. he would say that i have to let him be with other women because i love him. i dont know what kind of crazy planet they come from. So...did he commit his life to you as he never went to france? haha..

#8 Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #60)

Scoop

moonshine

Yes he really did say this , it helps when i write the things he said because i sometimes have to remember the shit he put me through .. I have a list in my book of all the things he said , sometimes i would switch off because the things he said where so bad , so low , i know there are werse things than this but my memory has wiped them out for now . I remember the shame he put me through very clearly , i just wanted to cule up in a ball when he was comming at me with the shameful comments , i would be crying and it still didnt stop him "what are you crying for " he would say "i just wanted a fuck , you where there , dont tell me i cant get that anywhere " .....jesus wept, why would he say such things , these comments are playing round and round in my head .

#9 Aug 3 - 5AM

Scoop

Happy1 He is on match.com

Happy1 He is on match.com .....This remders all other comunication with him null and void . Game over ....Remember how you felt when you looked at his phone , i rmember how you felt and it was angry , you where so pissed at him you went nc for 2 weeks . Find that anger again , its in you it just got fogged out with all his narcy love talk ...

#10 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #57)

betty2020

Yes remember all of the

Yes remember all of the things he has done and is continuing to do to you. We all have a breaking point. Our bottom so to speak. I want you to keep a running list Happy b/c you are going to want to review it daily when the next d&d hits. This letter is a typical Narc letter. The same as all the other one that i have read here. He is making you question yourself and all of your actions b/c he want the control. Your needs of feeling love and security in the relationship are not of any importance to him honey. He even states this in this letter. Read it over and over. Read between these lines because the message is loud and clear. Now it is just and issue of when you will hit your bottom and put him to rest for good. I love ya girl.....xoxoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#11 Aug 2 - 9PM

Steph

A real man would say

A real man would say "Happy1, I know why you are feeling this way. I have hurt you deeply and behaved in very unacceptable ways. I understand where you are coming from and I will do everything and anything in my power to show you how grateful I am that you are giving me another chance" All your asshole cares about is himself and how this "affect" him. Poor little baby. Once again, he has completely avoided responsibility and put the blame on you. Please, be done with him. Please. Please. Please. xoxo

#12 Aug 3 - 4PM (Reply to #55)

BlueMoon

mindfuck

OMG what a mind fuck...you too Scoop, wow! WTF??? I agree, this is what a real man would say. People in relationships can often do bad things to each other, and those things can be forgiven...but only after complete remorse and transparency...admitting everything and genuinely doing everything possible to regain your trust..Forever.

#13 Aug 3 - 4AM (Reply to #44)

Happy1

staying strong78

I haven't said anything to him as a response and this morning I'm feeling guilty. He always has a way of twisting everything around to make me feel like I have overreacted to things and I'm too needy. It's very hard to not feel this the way he writes and places blame.

#14 Aug 3 - 6AM (Reply to #45)

Steph

Do not feel guilty. You have

Do not feel guilty. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You have not overreacted. You're request was simple - take a day to spend with you. Nothing wrong with that. What IS wrong is HIS reaction. He will always play this game with you - be nice and then mean and twist the blame onto you. Stop engaging with him. Don't allow him to do this amymore. Enough. Get your strength back and kick his ass to the curb. Hang in there. xoxo

#15 Aug 3 - 8AM (Reply to #54)

Happy1

staying strong78

I haven't said anything to him. I have nothing too say. I'm certainly not going to write an apology note because I did nothing wrong. I'm so tired of the twisting of words and how I ruined the memory of the weekend by asking such a question. How childish is this? I'm so tired of the bullshit and I had told him that before.

#16 Aug 3 - 7AM (Reply to #46)

wholeagain

Happy

Go back and read his little nastygram as if it was some guy who sent it to your best friend or sister. Sometimes that helps give you a little objectivity. I don't care if you are needy (and of course you are, because he's created that). No way in hell he should ever speak to you that way. Stay strong, go back and read everything from yesterday...

#17 Aug 3 - 12PM (Reply to #48)

rainbow1

Needy

I HATE that they do this to us. They make us feel needy and then use it against us every single time! I am not a needy person but he made me that way. I always felt insecure and clingy with him. Friends would ask why we broke up, I would say "he said I didnt give him the space that he needed" They would ask me why I didnt give him the space or back off. The only answers I ever came up with were "I dont know" or "I couldnt". How sad and pathetic is that!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#18 Aug 3 - 12PM (Reply to #49)

Happy1

rainbow1

I totally get it. They say we are needy and they don't respect us because we chase. Well, they created this insecurity within us by all the game playing and they love every minute of it. They are then disgusted by what they created.

#19 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #53)

loveofmylife

Needy

Yep, they PRETEND to be the perfect person, the love of your life, like you have the best relationship in the world and it is so beautiful and perfect and soumatish. Their false persona is so amazing and perfect; custom made just for us. Once they have the hook in and they know you are dedicted to them until the end of time; then they play the hot/cold games and the push/pull games to get you to want them more....tell you about plans they have with other women, but if you "act now" you can get them.... and then we get "crazy" and then they say we aren't perfect anymore and DUMP. Off to play games with someone else. Fun, huh?

#20 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #50)

rainbow1

Happy 1

And the ironic thing? If we ACTUALLY do ignore them or give them their space they freak out! Then THEY become clingy! I tried so hard to have a slow relationship at first and would never allow it. He made me dependent on him and then left me because I was too dependent on him! Ridiculous! He is saying he wants space right now but if I actually give it to him he will think he is loosing control over me! Crazy making! _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#21 Aug 4 - 9AM (Reply to #51)

helldweller

Rainbow

Oh, god, yes. Crazy! When I'd finally leave him because he gave me nothing, cheated on me, lied to me, abused me, he would say, "See, it's a good thing I didn't commit to you because you don't care about me. You left me." Madness! Every other day I would wake up and say, "ok. Now let him come to you." And then a few hours later he would send me a text about how I didn't love him or care about him anymore because I didn't text him or call him to say "Good morning." So the next day I would text or call him in the morning and he wouldn't respond. And the next day I wouldn't do it and so on and so on and so on . . .

#22 Aug 4 - 9AM (Reply to #52)

Happy1

the chase

I'm so sick of that cat and mouse game. They are so attentive for a few days and then you are like. hmmm... maybe he is different and then POW! they turn it off like a light switch and then you are doing the chasing. I have learned though that when he turns his little switch off, I'm not chasing. I'm not chasing at all. I think something switched off in me a month ago when I was desperately chasing and balling next to him in bed when I was telling him how much I loved him and it just couldn't be over. He told me he had absolutely no feelings for me and it was over and he will not think of me tomorrow when I'm gone. I cried next to him all night. Then to have him tell me for the first time this past week that he loved me really didn't mean anything to me. I don't see how anyone could be so cruel to another person they supposedly CARE about and then say the love them after all a few weeks later. So not love! Such another cat and mouse game. So he then decided he had me once again and started the ignore game on Monday. We have fought hard this week and I am not begging. I am not buying his games. I am just telling the truth. He is out of hand with his notes and they're just crazy. I'm disgusted with the games!

#23 Aug 3 - 8AM (Reply to #47)

Happy1

wholeagain

That's a good point. I think we are more accepting of the abuse when it's directed at us. When we read others stories on here we get so angry and know what an ass these guys are. It's hard to see what others see when we are living it ourselves. I will try to read his note as if it was written by someone else. Thanks!

#24 Aug 2 - 6PM

Lisa E. Scott

Happy1

Betteroff is right... "If you walked into an asylum and some guy was yelling at you that he was Napoleon, would you argue with him about it? Would you try to convince a lunatic that he is NOT Napoleon? That's what arguing with a narcissist is." It is a never-ending battle with this man. He will turn everything around to be your fault when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Do you see that? Everyone's point about your son is right as well. You need to end this relationship not only for yourself, but for your son. Please, please listen to everyone's advice. This man is toxic and horrible for you. You deserve so much more! Please NC! xoxo

#25 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #42)

Susan32

Napoleon's bathroom habits

Perusing the recent college newsletter, I saw that my ex-P was giving some lecture on "War and Peace"... and that novel contains a whole CHAPTER on Napoleon's bathroom habits. Why am I not surprised? Short? Having delusions of grandeur? Pretentious? LOL...

#26 Aug 2 - 5PM

tigger73

o.k. so these are the very

o.k. so these are the very same words and phrases I have heard from my exNH. Wow. The more I read, hopefully the more I'll heal. What an idiot. An absolute idiot. You don't deserve the first sentence this jerk mutters. Get rid of him. Sorry if I seem a bit 'pushy'. I have a lot of cuss words in my head right now. @#@@$#@$@%^&$@#@!%&*$$#@$#

#27 Aug 2 - 4PM

Bodhi

Happy

You need to decide if you want a healthy relationship or an unhealthy relationship. The choice is yours. It is very clear what this man will give you.

#28 Aug 2 - 4PM (Reply to #37)

Happy1

Bodhi

You are right and I will keep standing up for myself. I'm not saying NC right now because I failed at it but I will not back down and apologize to this jerk again and let him accuse me of things.

#29 Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #38)

better off

Are you saying you can't go

Are you saying you can't go NC because you failed at it before? What point does "not backing down" have? What is the point of not backing down with a psychopath? So... you'll just fight back? And then what? You'll not let him accuse you of things? He is accusing you of things. What is the purpose of arguing about it with him? He's a nutcase. If you walked into an asylum and some guy was yelling at you that he was Napoleon, would you argue with him about it? Would you try to convince a lunatic that he is NOT Napoleon? That's what arguing with a narcissist is. This is not a relationship, happy, this is a disaster. I hope you will remove yourself and your child from this awful situation.

#30 Aug 2 - 5PM (Reply to #39)

Bodhi

Get out of the boxing ring!

This reminds me of an analogy I heard once... if you get into a boxing ring with the Narc you will not win and you will only end up hurt & bruised. It is within your control to stay out of the ring. Are you ready to start treating yourself with self respect? Are you ready to end the drama?

#31 Aug 2 - 4PM

Amy

Please just go no contact.

Please just go no contact. This guy is going to hurt you and your son over and over again. My son is 17 and the ex N has been around for 6 years. My son took a little while to warm up to N bc I had just gotten a divorce. John is smart enough that he didn't think the N was the coolest thing on the planet. However, he was a part of our lives. All of the ups and downs after year 2, John had to witness. When we were broken up for a year (before he proposed) we were kind of on again off again. When the N asked me to marry him, my son asked me not to do it! He said N was a jerk and he didn't want him to hurt me again. The N made it a point to try to win John over - my son relented just because he knew what I wanted. Now that the N disappeared, my son has made me promise not to do this again. He has pushed me to sell the ring. I know that John, over the years, felt rejected too. Please think of your son! Even if not for yourself, it is time to move on. It is possible that he is learning that this is the way to treat a woman. He sees you hurt, and it will hurt him.

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