I just had to get this out...tears can't seem to stop rolling

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#1 Mar 4 - 9AM
this shall pass
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I just had to get this out...tears can't seem to stop rolling

Are you here? Can you hear me? say something if you can hear me? Are you there? Can you hear me?
those are the last words I've been uttering to the person I related to for years. I call and he picks up the phone and hangs up on me immediately or keeps the line open in silence without saying anything to me. why so? the silent treatment..it's because I refuse to be silent. I spoke! I told him what he's doing is slowly killing me, it's destroying my soul. The cycles of being nice, then being mean, then disappearing only to reappear again are starting to mess with every cell of my being and Im tired. I have loved and cared for this person through thick and thin and supported him the best ways I can.

Years of my youth have gone by and I thought one day we will live together, we will build a house and family together, but laa, all those dreams seem to have vanished in the silence. I don't know how anyone can have in their heart to pick up the phone and hang up numerous times or just stay silent. It hurt so much to be with him and it hurts to be without him, I just wanted to have a conversation, to let him know I'm hurting from all the repeated and systematic stuff he said and did over years but I'm going to release all of that and forgive him, I kept thinking in my mind if only one day he comes and tells me "yes! I know I hurt you, I know I dished out so much pain and anger on you when you have given me love, care and support, I know I left you and abandoned you when you had stood by me when I needed help, I know I made mockery of your pain and past abuse, I know I taunted you about your life mistakes, I know I did not always touch you with my hands, my words and my energy in the most right and honorable way, I apologize, I can't give you what you want, I never could but I persisted in engaging you because you seemed willing and open to give me some of the things I wanted, yet I couldn't honor you all the way and I always desired other women, even in your presence and I know this hurt you, I KNOW!"

I guess I've been stuck in this land of dreams that are not coming through and I need to get back to earth, to reality, to the fact that the only apology I will ever get is the one I give to myself for letting down my guard, for not trusting my intuition, and for not having the self esteem to stand up and say no when i was being hurt..

I'm sorry..Anyone here? Are you there? Can you hear me?

Mar 5 - 1PM
neverlookback
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A Normal

Mar 5 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
this shall pass
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9 months! wow. I went on for

Mar 5 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
neverlookback
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You gotta

Mar 4 - 6PM
newwoman
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I want to let you know how

Mar 5 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
this shall pass
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Newwoman! I'm glad you found

Mar 5 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
newwoman
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Thank you sooo much! This

Mar 5 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
this shall pass
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You're welcome! and I truly

Mar 4 - 2PM
Journey
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We are here, we hear

Journey on...

Mar 4 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
this shall pass
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Thank you Journey for your

Mar 4 - 12PM
midnight7
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Dear this shall pass, all

Mar 4 - 9AM
Ophelia
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This shall pass we're here

Mar 4 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
this shall pass
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Thank you all for being here

Mar 4 - 9AM
Sparrow
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He knows you hurt, and he

Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
bgirl
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The silent treatment hurt me

Mar 4 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
this shall pass
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Bgirl! I think that the way

Mar 4 - 9AM
Layla
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Apology........