I just had a disturbing realization.

During the final D&D, I had to make sense of my own feelings for the ex-Psych. They were muddled;I gave myself cognitive dissonance. The ex-P would accuse me of pitying him instead of loving him, that those were two difference things. He liked being an object of pity. I once thought he was incredibly sexy (tho over 4 years he trashed that, between his beer belly&decaying teeth) He liked being pitied and admired... and I gave both. As for having fun with him... that was rare. I find hatred an incredibly strong feeling. It's draining. I do hate how the ex-P acted. Hating those behaviors are a reminder to keep NC, not to entertain any notions of a reconciliation or happy reunion. When I told the ex-P I found him kind, patient, etc... he furiously accused me of projecting those positive qualities of mine onto him due to low self-esteem (on my part) That was one of the more baffling parts of the D&D. "How can I feel love for a person who has nothing about him to love?"-Sometimes our own feelings don't make sense. I think this is where unconditional love comes in. In Paul's letter to the Romans, he speaks of how God loved us when we were unlovable. Loving unconditionally doesn't mean condoning abuse and bad behavior. Loving unconditionally is loving with God's love.

it's ME I'm missing, not him.... I have the same feelings as you... I still love him and feel that a part of me always will, but then again: it 's not the REAL him I love obviously. So what the heck is it??? Maybe it's because I felt like the best version of myself when I was with him in the beginning. I felt loving, wise, funny, sexy... Like my confused life was finally falling into place, my low self-esteem had finally been proven wrong, because a good man wanted me, loved me, needed me. I rose to the occasion and I expanded, almost exploded with love... I had never been felt so warm and so full in my life. So when he devalued me... I crashed. We all did. I think what I love and miss is not actually the cruel little wimp, but rather that FEELING about MYSELF, and about LIFE. I have had brief glimpses of it since the D&D - and everytime I get this feeling and my heart opens up, everything is suddenly alright and I don't miss him anymore.

Victim-no-more, I spent 25 years married to the same person you describe. My only solace is that once I ripped the mask off him, virtually everyone we ever knew was equally fooled. everyone has said, 'you can't be serious. your N was cheating on you and has left? he was the all-american guy, the most fun dad in the bunch, he was so nice, helpful, bla bla. I can't believe this...he was the last guy I would think would do this. these N people are a higher order level of manipulative and cynical. it's just staggering, and yet they play the sexy/fun/nice card in a way that most of us cannot imagine is calculating, but it is. they don't feel, and they don't worry about other people, and none of us exist for them. we are just window dressing on their store, and when they close up shop, they leave us behind. ugggh.

Dont kid yourself he provided your missing piece.. At one point he learned your weakness.. we all have them..he took your weakness and made you believe he was your strength ..then once he had you right where he wanted you he used what you trusted him with to destroy you. And with that ...yes.. What is there to Love? Nothing!!! Why would anyone love the Devil? You have established NC and with that you can view him for what he is ..a liar..a user..a loser.. Hunter

Welcome to the Wendy`s Club, the equivalents of Peter Pan`s Wendy from the movie. Remember how badly did Wendy try to do things, take care of "the boys", of Peter, and try so hard to make him see her as a Girlfriend/Girl, not as his "Mommie"? There`s something about that in me as well..in fact, may of my star crushes, at first there was this confusion "What happened to him" , I`m drawn towards wounded/hurt souls, not because I have this saviour complex, but because rather I see myself in them, beaten rejected. Something like that. Anyhow, is WRONG! We can only save ourselfs, and be our own saviours. We can inspire, that`s true, we can share with a person who wants that, not with somebody who destroys you mentally, emotionally piece by piece.

love isnt just relationship love love is care love is empathy love is hope love is nuturing love is protection love is forgiveness love is sorrow love is healing you love because you do you love him because you know all the above you love because it is you, you are love i loved a little boy who called me names swore at me threatened me and was physically abusive because i saw his pain, his deep abandonment issues, his broken, broken child inside. i felt all the above movies show this books, songs some of us are taught it in home and in religion but this simply is not the case with a N they will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER have these emotions and capabilities it is learned early in childhood and we cannot teach the above it cannot be taught I know how you feel i have tears in my eyes as i write this you love because you are love there is nothing wrong with that but you have to LOVE YOU NOW dont regret your feelings are what you believed in we are all here because we thought if we do this.... say this.... allow this.... accept this.... it will change, get better the other part of letting go my dear is this WAS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU DID NOT FAIL IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBLITY

my first realizition was he reminded me of my father, who died when i was 14 years old and my mother never remarried so i had no male figure in my life and never grieved over my father death, which I finally did with the help of a therapist, but there was something familiar and cozy about the man when he was not being abusive to me, we shared lots of interests, great sex life andhe was very giving, but he never had my best interest at heart and that is what I must look for in the future with a man............

Several weeks ago I spent a lot of time trying to understand why I could not seem to detach from my N. What was the attraction and seemingly unconditional love all about? I realized that in my case it was the innocent 7 year old boy whose Mom suddenly died that I was hooked into. I saw that sweetness in his eyes the night I met him and I fell in deep. Of course, the topic of his chaotic childhood was front and center from the get go, as he knew that it was the perfect bait which deeply appealed to my nurturing and empathic nature. Figuring this out was very helpful and allowed me to move towards detaching. Maybe you have something similar going on? This is such a crazy ride, isn't is!! xo

Victim-no-more, I could say EXACTLY the same thing. Ugh. The SAME two reasons. I am struggling with all this as well. I am so sensible in all other aspects of my life. Others perceive me as responsible, kind, thoughful, with good values, blah, blah. So am I so flakey about men? I have been reading as many self-help and personal growth books as I can get my hands on to try understand WHY the shallowness and, more importantly how I can try and change that aspect about myself. You mentioned that you felt special when you were with him because he chose to spend time with YOU. I can relate to that as well. But why feel special about being with a non-quality person? I wouldn't accept that in a friendship, why would it be acceptable in a relationship? Very confusing. Just more crap to try and sort through. Sheesh. Thanks for sharing. You aren't the Lone Ranger here.

I can relate. When my therapist asked me why I loved him or what I loved about him - I could only come up with, "he's creative". Pathetic, huh?