I have a very bad fantasy and need a major reality check now

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#1 Jul 28 - 12AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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I have a very bad fantasy and need a major reality check now

It has been brewing for days. I don't let my mind entertain it too long. I am focusing on my healing. I am strong in NC...I am just bringing this thought to you wonderful women because I want to read your replies if/when he shows up at my door and I even entertain this idea for a second...

ok here goes...my revenge:

he knocks ( he has shown up in the past swooning over me) and I let him in...we have sex...the out of this world sex we had all the time...( please don't ask me to question this, it was the best sex...I wish it wasn't the case, but it was)..
he curls up to spoon me and fall asleep and .....I calmly tell him I want him to leave..he looks at me incredulous. I offer no explanation, no talking, no hint of anything..I just say I want him to go now...

I never respond to his calls, don't answer the door again. I discard him in effect. I go NC again 100% and leave him wondering what the fuck happened. I take back the control...the power and leave him mind fucked....

why is this a terrible idea? I mean it...thank you and please don't be too harsh...honest and frank is fine...

Jul 28 - 11PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Well.....In a perfect

Well.....In a perfect world..... You could perform your plan..... he would be completely messed up after you tell him to leave, and you would go on, meet a wonderful man and ride off into the sunset.....with the N in the background thinking "Man, I am an idiot for letting that completely fabulous, beautiful, sexy woman go. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to me!"......and of course he is thinking this with tears running down his face. Oh, and there is violins playing in the background. The chances of this happening are LESS than ZERO. A fantasy of becoming a Royal Princess, creating world peace, or meeting Brad Pitt randomly at a coffee shop and him falling madly in love with you, are more likely. If you slept with him and then cold heartedly told him to piss off......he would either hoover hoover hoover until you surrendered....and then he would pay you back BIG TIME by giving you the ultimate D&D, or he would just say "whatever" and " at least I got her once more" and start looking for the next gal.....either way, YOU are the one that is hurt. Next time you have this fantasy.....smack yourself with your left hand.....and then with your right hand.....and then two more times with your left hand ( just to make sure).....and if that doesn't work.... come back to the board and we will slap you for you! Stay strong. Stay NC! xoxo, Steph
Jul 29 - 11PM (Reply to #17)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ok..I think I got it...

and there is still a small voice inside me that says- "well , you don't know my N....and he WOULD be very affected by my disappearing after sex..he would be so sure he had me back,ready to go on the ride again with me...he would be astonished I just disappeared... but I think the other thing you said is a greater risk- I would then lose all the healing of the past 9 weeks, I would be hooked again- afterall this is a very real addiction for me...and the obsession would be on fire again...and I most likely would succumb to his hoovering... I have 9 weeks of solid growth and healing AWAY from this beast...and one night of awesome sex and revenge is just not worth it... I just have to stay vigilant with these crazy thoughts. oh, the longing for his sex is still so big...followed by the longing to make him suffer...I do hope this all dissipates with time..time...time...
Jul 28 - 9AM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Strivingforhealing

Awe, you miss the sex... I know I do too... Some days the thoughts of the sex with him consumes me. I get jealious just thinking of someone else being with him... But, I agree with everyone else. It will not phase him one bit... It will not leave him Mindfucked, it will leave you mindfucked. You will feel horrible afterwards... As my therapist keeps telling me... Go on with your life and be happy... That is the best revenge that there is...
Jul 28 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Totally agree Dabussard.

Totally agree Dabussard.
Jul 28 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Arwen

I don't disagree with Dabussard........but even if I did, I wouldn't put it quite like that. We are all here to SUPPORT one another, not to agree or disagree.........we come here because it is a safe haven for expressing ourselves, our feelings.........you are new to the forum and may not have been thinking when writing your comment, understandably............... HAVEN'T OUR NARCS DISAGREED WITH US ENOUGH? Just saying................ Smiles
Jul 29 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Sparrow in fact I am not new

Sparrow in fact I am not new to the forum. I have been her for four months. And I do not see what is wrong with what Dabussard said at all...she said being happy is the best revenge. I thought that was amazingly supportive.
Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

MY BAD.......I THOUGHT YOU

MY BAD.......I THOUGHT YOU WROTE DISAGREE
Jul 30 - 12AM (Reply to #15)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

whew ok glad that got cleared

whew ok glad that got cleared up!
Jul 28 - 8AM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

I think it's very interesting

I think it's very interesting that you chose the realm of sex to express your desire for revenge, and it's also very telling. I know how badly you want him still...in my mind I am in bed with my ex N all day every day and have been for months and months since the breakup. I am just sitting here crying reading your post because the sex, looking at his beautiful, beautiful face, his hands, how sensual he was - I crave it so badly. And like your N, mine was just as cruel and destructive. I think you know this would backfire badly and would cause devastation unlike what you have experienced before. The past is gone. I'm so sorry.
Jul 28 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Arwen , can you expand on your thoughts here?

why is it interesting and telling about that I would choose sex as the "revenge"? I would love to know your insight...my mind is not clear and I need clarity! thank you,
Jul 29 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Striving...I didn't mean

Striving...I didn't mean anything by what I said other than to say that the thing we want the most from the N, in this case being close to him again physically as was pretty clear to me, comes out when we have vengeful thoughts or thoughts about them period. I'm sorry to you and to Sparrow if what I said came out the wrong way and I mean to be NOTHING short of completely supportive and to let you know that I want my narc physically as well. To me your post just really spoke of how you still want him. I'm not sure why it was wrong of me to say that. But in any case hope you are doing better and have decided not to go down that road.
Jul 28 - 4AM
Used
Used's picture

strivingforhealing

not to be harsh...HE GOT SEX...HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT THE AFTERMATH....THE FACT YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM JUST TELLS HIM HE CAN AND WILL BE TAKEN BACK BY YOU TIME AFTER TIME... YOU HAVENT DONE YOURSELF ANY FAVOURS AT ALL....SEX IS CONTROL TO THEM...YOU GAVE HIM SEX..HE HAS TOOK THE CONTROL BACK. HE WILL BE THE ONE WHO LEAVES AFTER HIS BOOTY CALL...THERE WILL BE NO CUDDLING LIKE SPOONS...HE WILL HAVE GOT WHAT HE WANTED...HE WILL BE DONE...I AGREE WITH LITTLE ONE... IF YOU WANT REVENGE....IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.... REVENGE IS A DISH BETTER EATEN COLD...THE MORE YOU LEAVE HIM OUT IN THE COLD ,YOU WILL BE GETTING ALL THE REVENGE YOU NEED...GOOD LUCK.
Jul 28 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

Striving, Used says it all here...

and I would like to add: HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR BODY. YOUR BODY IS RESERVED FOR THOSE WHO TREAT YOU WELL, WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT, WHO CHERISH YOU AND LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER. Your body is your unique gift to SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT. HE DOES NOT! Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. That's the best revenge. Most sincerely, (totally not) spinning. NEVER AGAIN. THE SICK FREAK WILL NEVER HAVE ME AGAIN. HE IS DEAD TO ME. NEVER REALLY EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

spinning

Jul 28 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you all so much. I will refrain from sex and revenge

This is what I needed..to have your words to look back on when I get this intense craving...and yes it is a craving of sex, wanting power back and revenge...dark stuff...and I want to go towards the Light.. I am actually..I am going in the right direction...NC strong, going on 9 weeks...no checking up on him in any way for 3,with a small slip the other day seeing his car...but I talked myself out of more and kept driving.... it's so so so hard.....he has to be dead to me...and we are all grieving a death here...I actually have to say aloud to myself " You can never be with him, ever...he will never change..." and this thought is so monumental to me, even after 8 years of off and on- something deep inside me this last go around was like PURE INNOCENCE springing forth really believing in Love again... and then he trashed it. I talked about this in therapy last night- I actually felt the Innocence of my heart peeking out with him this last time.this precious energy that oh so wanted to trust and be open with him....and for a brief time ( the seduction)- I felt optimistic.....and then it all came crashing down..the sickness, the betrayal, the lies. and my innocence feels dead now...and I am grieving that. so yes, this post about Sex is so much more.the Sex for me was the deepest part of our connection. and now, after all this reading, I am left raw and wounded wondering if that connection was false too. Spinning- I need to read your words every day. My body has been through so much with him, with others, with anxiety....and it truly should be treated as a temple now.. I have not posted my story yet because I am in self protection mode and I worry that I will be identified if he or the OW ever came here. I just feel so so protective of me right now. but I trust you precious women and I thank you so much.
Jul 28 - 3AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

It all sounds like sweet

It all sounds like sweet revenge, but unfortunately it isn't. It will backfire on you for sure, and you will be devastated. Don't do this to yourself, you can't do anything to them to hurt them. Not even silver bullets, holy water, sunlight or a stake in the heart would work on them. Nothing will. Cut your losses and move on..........
Jul 28 - 2AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Im sorry it just wouldnt hurt

Im sorry it just wouldnt hurt him the way you think it would. He still would have gotten laid- period. That might hurt an ex partner who was still in love with you, but narcs are different. He's not normal. Because our brains are wired so very different to theirs it's very hard to grasp how they think and feel sometimes. Because the DONT feel. If he showed up at your door- not answering would 'hurt' him more. And even then it would only be superficial. To a narc they are always annoyed about the one that got away- be that one. It's the biggest narcissistic injury you can inflict.
Jul 28 - 1AM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Oh well, the revendge idea is

Oh well, the revendge idea is somehow entertaining..but trust me, in the long run, it`s so not worth your healing :-) These people don`t change..it`s as if they are stuck at some point in their dramas, and can`t get out of their own walls and "trials". It`s like talking to a wooden table, it would probably understand you better than they do. Narcisists are so busy all the time constructing their fragile ego, that they are not capable of sharing feelings, emotions. I`ve been told by mine, and that was one of the sure proofs that he is a Narc, that he is in a constant "movie-like" with his own character..he constantly hears voices in the head that contradict him at every step, like talking to a public or something. That is why, mine never seemed to be able to talk to me, like in a real conversation. I always had to understand him, from talking to someone else ( all part of the devaluation process of course ). He has ingrained the voice of his critical parent inside, for mine it was probably his mother, who controlled him and still does..he can`t actually express his anger towards her, so he expresses it, towards all the Other Women who come into his life. And Lord, if you dare to love them, you get entitled to even more Bonuses of pain!! Terrible, terrible creatures. I haven`t read your story but I suppose that your own presence here says it much all. Anyway, best of luck to you! GG