I have obsessive Thinking about OW and stuff

Last night was about the worst it's been in a while as far as disturbed sleep, but the whole waking in the night with dreams and thoughts on the conversations is just gruelling. I am crazy tired! And I can't call in sick because I have commitments and am afraid to start the "sleep during the day cycle" because I know it feeds me falling in to a sort of state of depression.

I am really struggling with obsessive thinking. At least I think that's what it is. I have these conversations in my head with OW. I project an event where we run in to each other and the conversation happens. They are all basically the same. I go in to this very sensible sounding, noble, stand firm, sound strong speech about how - hey, if you think I'm torn up because you got him and I don't you are wrong.... and blah blah blah... and i go to great lengths in the conversations to let OW know what exactly happen. I even lie in the conversations telling her I have all the emails and texts etc. etc.

I look at my calendar to see if there is any chance of something coming up that I have to endure possibly seeing them again. I notice 10/6/12 is coming. It's a Saturday. That's the meeting I haven't been going to do and that date is N sobriety birthday. So I have projected him "taking a cake", giving a "speech" (cuz he loves to spout crap from the podium), and OW being there to see how wonderfully spiritual he is.

I am praying regularly to have this obsessive thinking removed. Sometimes I feel like it is worse, not better. I feel a bit crazy. I was thinking I should be done with this by now. But I'm not.

I know there are some triggers. That meeting. That I really miss. And my friend from that meeting texted me saying I was missed and when was I coming back. I told him I didn't know. I told him I couldn't. I didn't feel safe there. He said let him know when I was ready and he would help out.

Somebody (I think Dragon Lady) posted about "am I just paranoid or am I thinking right?". And it was about how her xN set her up with not responding to texts etc and trying to get her to show up at an event. I have those same thoughts. I feel paranoid, yet I feel like... no, this is real. This is what N is doing and I need to be on guard and check myself and my emotional state before rolling straight in to mayhem.

But I'm tired. And I'm tired of having to work so hard. I'm weepy this morning. I know it's because I'm so flippin' tired. I don't even know what to ask for as far as help or support. I think I'm just here and it's just sucking and it's going to suck.

I want these thoughts to just go away. I feel too weak to constantly combat them. I go in and out of compassion for OW. LIke OMG - somebody needs to save her and her child, all the way to... I need to tell her what REALLY happened... just to make myself feel better. Which is crazy. I won't feel better. I highly doubt it. I will still have all the same feelings and they will be mixed with new ones about thinking well why isn't she running away to save herself after I told her the truth...

I feel really mental and really tired today.

round3