I have to get stronger

Yes, I am trying to "run" away as fast as possible. I have to stick to NC this time...I have to do it for my own sanity. I allowed him to treat me this way, and I am destroying myself. Not him, me!

I can't do the back and forth anymore. It has to over 100% in my head....but you see that is the problem, the "what if's" play a huge role in my head. What I really should be concerned about or asking is if he will get the help he needs? He won't stop using woman, or people. He uses everyone in his life. He has nobody permantly in his life, he is a nomad, bounces around from place to place, job to job. I have to stop feeling sorry for him because if his life is really that horrible, he can fix it. Instead, he resorts to his "old" ways of drinking every night and hanging out with other toxic people. Using other woman to fill a void inside himself.

And, yes, what about the poor ex-fiance. He must have shattered her whole world more than mine. She had no clue about me, not one clue! He proposed to her after 5 months of dating, they lived together after 2 months of dating, her 2 yr old daughter called him daddy, he started chasing me only 8 months after they met.....look what he did to them? They have been done for the last few months as well, and I hope she doesn't hold on to some form of hope either. She is too young, only 25. I am 38 and I should have known better.

He is bad, toxic and will never change. My brain has to accept that, it just has to. All his promises to me were fake, all the talks were fake, everything was fake. I don't know how many days or weeks of NC I have, but one of the last conversations he told me he needs to "fix" his life right now, and can't think about emotions or feelings. That he wants me to be happy, and it's up to me to decide if I want to "wait" for him to get it all straigtened out.

He left of huge path of destruction, and in my opinion, he will continue this behavior. The next woman he is with will get the same, just like me, just like the ex-fiance, and all the other women in his life.