I have to get over this feeling of it being personal

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#1 Mar 23 - 1PM
safyre99
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I have to get over this feeling of it being personal

I keep having thoughts that my exN treated me so badly because he wanted to and because he felt he could. I know in my head it's not personal, that he's disordered and has so many emotional issues and problems that it wasn't me, it's how he operates, but I still can't help but feel that he did it to me because he disliked me, had no respect for me, I wasn't good enough. When someone you love and care about... and someone you want to feel the same way about you treats you so poorly it really cuts to the bone and ruins your self esteem. And I keep thinking he did it to ME, not his previous girlfriend, not his new girlfriend, only me. I need to keep reminding himself that he's not going to change and that he treats each girlfriend the same, but its hard not to take it personally. Especially since I don't know what's going on in his new relationship... and I'm assuming he's treating her well.

My exN and I have been broken up 6 months yesterday, and I also just had the closing last week on my condo where I spent my relationship with my exN so I think I'm feeling out of sorts this week and really missing him... especially since I had so many memories in that condo and it's like there's a chapter closing with the sale of the condo and a connection to him that's now gone. But, I know it's a good thing to have sold it and being away from all those memories is another step in my healing and recovery. I now need to delete his voice mail and text messages... I guess a step at a time. :)

This forum has been a godsend... I appreciate all the love and support.

Hugs

Mar 24 - 3PM
Steph
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It feels personal, doesn't

It feels personal, doesn't it? I think if we were able to watch them in a video of their life....and actually see how they were and are with others, it would sink in that it is not personal....they are the same way with everyone. If a normal man doesn't like you, they just end things. They don't stay with you and abuse you. So it has nothing to do with your ex "not liking you" or you "not being good enough". You are right though, in saying he did not respect you. He didn't. They don't respect anyone. No one. The more time that passess and you have more NC under your belt, you will be able to look at him and his actions....without feeling....and have a clearer perspective. it's not you!
Mar 24 - 1PM
Hunter
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Safyre99

Hi There, Look forward to new beginnings, I know ,easier said then done! Wishing you a beautiful Narc free future! Life with a narc is a jail sentence! Best of Luck, Idealk
Mar 23 - 8PM
michele115 (not verified)
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Safyre99

It is hard, and in a way the closing of your condo was a "concrete" symbol of the severance...this is probably bothering you subconsciously as well. This is in a nutshell very much a grieving process. It doesn't matter that they're still living, it's the death of a relationship whether real or an illusion...and for a time it was very real to you, and now you are stuck with the reality and struggling to comprehend all of this and put the pieces back together. For me, at times I found I had to mentally separate the image...his physical image as a man from what was essentially an empty shell. The packaging looked good on the outside but the inside, I wouldn't say was bad - it was empty...it was void. Unfortunately, you can't have an interdependent relationship with a "void" If we are to believe that they mirror - then the truth is those good times, they were YOU. He didn't take off with that, you still have you. I was just thinking a few minutes ago, I think I am going to start writing...a revision of sorts to my story...because it needs revision. I am not the person I was when I landed here in October...I am not doing cartwheels, nothing fabulous has happened, but I am at peace, and I didn't just have narc issues, I had other issues and I can't believe in how little time, I really do feel somewhat centered and able to function. Does he still enter my head - of course he does - but I don't resist it and I can't tie it to a particular thought other than "he exists" like the rest of us. He is with someone else, and the truth I could care less...that is sad - sometimes I did and still get the urge to warn her because I do feel very strongly he will destroy her and I have an inckling she's not made of my stock...and he really took me down and I'm a fighter but I resist that temptation and I just pray that she will somehow become enlightened. If you give time time, and take things day by day and feel what you need to feel and don't rush yourself, stick close to the board, get it out, even if you don't want to write, read, connect realize you are not alone...things will get better. I think for me the journey was more existential in nature and in a way I am and this sounds crazy, very happy this happened to me because it was my breakthrough. This experience is what you make of it...you can succumb or you can roll with the punches but with each blow figure out how to make it work for you - it's a test of your strength. That does not mean we become masochists in an effort to devlop our stamina, but right now this is the dish that's being served and so you figure out how to best make it work for you instead of against you. There are a lot of lessons to be learned. I wish you all the best...but I am confident that in time, you will feel better. Hugs!
Mar 23 - 4PM
onwithmylife
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Safyre99

Have not heard from you on the board much recently, I think selling the condo is great, you need a fresh start, i moved to another state and one reason was to get a fresh start, so many places I would go to reminded me of him,because we spent 15 years together in the same state and i sold my condo as well and was glad to be rid of it even with a big financial loss to me.He d and d me 2 years ago after I started to question our relationship always being about his wants and needs, seldom mine, and said it all in a nice letter to him, did NOT MATTER, after that the mask of him came off and he became really ugly and nasty to me in each letter he wrote, because by this time he moved away and we never went together as we had talked about doing,I was' on to him' and he was running scared for his life, he never went to another woman and now he is dying from cancers ,all by himself, what type of life is that? You need to go NC with this man unless you want to waste as many years of your life as I did. He doesn';t love you, nor any women or HIMSELF, most important of all, you and all women mean nothing to him, those are the hard, cold facts but better that than wasting your life in illusions, because none of us knows when our time is up!
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
safyre99
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Onwithmylife

Actually I have been NC for about 4 months... it's hard and I keep wanting to call him or send him a text, but I haven't and I know that NC is necessary and the only way to heal. A little while ago I finally deleted his voice mail messages and text messages. I actually do feel better and it's another step in the process of letting go of him and to stop being connected to him. My heart goes out to you... I was with my exN only a year and he did such a number on me... I can't imagine what it must be like after 15 years! It must have been hard starting over in a new state but to be away from all the reminders and memories of your exN I'm sure made it worth it.
Mar 23 - 3PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

the thing is you can either

The thing is you can either look at it as it was personal or it wasnt and in a way its a bit of both , although i know that dosent help youre cog diss :) It was personal because he chose you as a victum but you have to look at why he chose you as a victum , a narc only chooses the brightest and best women , he is god in his eyes so he gose for the best kind of woman in that you can be sure ,nothing less will do . You can also be sure that he saw something in you he lacked and wanted which was youre great capasity for feeling and empathy , so in that sence yes it ws personal , the D&D only happened because you started holding him accounterble for his bad behaviour , they cant stand that . Now its not personal because he is disordered , even if he wanted to treat you in a way that you deserve as a human being he couldnt , to ask a narc to treat you right is like asking a cat to be a doctor .. its just never going to happen , and he will treat EVERYONE this way ... I do understand this feeling though , when they seem to be happy with ow its a hard thing to get youre head around , the trick is to remember what ever they did to you she will go through the same , no ifs or buts about that , the mantra is "they will never change , they can not change " they only thing that may differ from you and everyone else is a matter of time , it may take longer or shorter time for the D&D to come but come it will . xx
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
safyre99
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Scoop

Thanks Scoop... your words helped remind me that the new gf is destined to be in the same situation I was in.. it's only a matter of time, and I have to stop being jealous of her! And, it's not in a Narc's DNA to treat people well... I still sometimes look at the situation as if I was dealing with someone healthy and normal... I have to remember he's not capable of treating people the way they should be treated... ever.... even the day he broke up with me he told me that he liked me a lot, and I remember thinking afterwards that this is the way you treat someone you supposedly really like... but I know he's not able to treat anybody otherwise.
Mar 23 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

safre99

First, Congratulations on selling your condo. It's a new and fresh start for you now. No memories of the narc in your new place! I know how you feel about how you feel the narc hated you and you shouldn't take it personal. You shouldn't! I've read so much about the narcicisst and what they're capable of. They do lash out to the people they know they have under their thumb. They disprespect us even more when we say "I love you". You show them affection and they use it against us. It's not right and it doesn't seem possible, but it is and it's not anything you've done! You deserve so much better and you have a wonderful future ahead of you! Happy1
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
safyre99
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Thanks Happy!

I appreciate your kind words... I'm so glad to have a fresh start and be in a new condo that doesn't have all the memories of my exN. I've also read that about when we tell Ns that we love them they tend to pull back and that's what happened with me. He asked me what I liked about him, and then he asked if I loved him and I said yes, and shortly after that I felt him start pulling back from me. There were some other circumstances that were happening around the same time but I truly believe me saying I love you to him was part of the reason the devaluing started. We all deserve partners/s.o.'s who will be happy when we say we love them and it will make the relationship better and stronger and make us feel closer to them, not have them pull back. Hugs
Mar 23 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Susan32
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That's why the final D&D started...

"They disrespect us when we say 'I love you.' You show them affection&they use it against us."-Well, you have summed up the final D&D perfectly. I declared my love to the ex-Psych professor, and I was discarded like yesterday's trash. Then he went around claiming I was making sexual advances towards him... and playing the victim, he moved his seminar from one classroom to another. He played the victim act perfectly... until he was reducing me to tears publicly. That was the game changer. And the fact that NONE of his colleagues sided with him. NONE of them took his side. My French professor (now she's the Dean of the college) and the on-campus therapist were NOT on his side.
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
safyre99
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Isn't it strange

Isn't it strange how most of these Narcs act the same and start D&D'ing after they hear the words I love you. I'm so confused by that... since they want positive supply and to know that they have you, wouldn't hearing the words I love you make them feel an ego boost instead of something to run away from?
Mar 24 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
ifinallygotit
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mine started D&D over something else - really weird!

The first time my ex N started to devalue me was when I surprised him with a pan of lasagna I cooked for him to share with friends one Super Bowl years ago (he would never invite me). I just decided to be nice and spent all day making great food. When I drove over to give it to him he took it and gave me a look of total disgust I will never forget (I know have since studied this as "perverse reactions" the opposite of a normal person). It sent such a chill down my spine that I drove away quickly and did not call him and avoided his calls I was so hurt and shocked by his response to a kind deed. Apparently, he was disgusted by the intimacy of me doing something nice like a real girlfriend will do (now I also believe it is connected to his over attachment to mom who cooked for him). He had dropped his mask for a moment but quickly collected himself and left a very nice thank you voicemail the next day saying how good it tasted. I did not respond and he ended up taking me out for a fancy expensive lunch (chasing me). He is very cheap and this is the only expensive lunch he EVER bought me. They know when the mask is slipping....I did not see any further behavior like this for a long time. He kind of liked it when I would tell him I loved and adored him, but I would have to force him to say I love you back. He would say "you know I do"...weird dude!
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Redhead1
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I have just recently shifted

I have just recently shifted to the non personal side of things. It took me 9 months after the final d&d. I don't know what did it other than reading, reading and reading. When you shift to it not being personal, you will feel so much better. I just think now "What was I thinking" In all honesty, I wasnt. I just didnt want to accept that he was so messed up. I had my head in the sand for 20 years. I look at it now as a lesson learned. I am a stronger person for it:) You will be too. It just takes time. xoxo
Mar 23 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
safyre99
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I know what you mean...

I know what you mean Redhead... I didn't want to accept either how disordered my exN is and that I never meant anything to him... I gave my heart to someone who was just an illusion... someone not real. Yes, it does make me feel better when I think that it wasn't personal. I'm also trying to take this as a learning experience and to know what to look out for in my next relationship and to pay attention to those "red flags" and to not settle for anything less than being treated well and with respect.
Mar 24 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

To saf and all the commentors,

Thank you for this thread. I took something positive away from each and every comment. I so appreciate all of you and thank you Safyre for starting this thread. My head is out of the sand completely now; and I have learned and am still learning...I am now looking ahead with anticipation instead of dread... thank you all so much. sincerely (finally stopping) spinning

spinning