I have a dilemma

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#1 May 9 - 10AM
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

I have a dilemma

I have been invited to an art exhibition which the art student I supported for 4 years is taking part in. He has a physical disability and mental health issues which is the reason I was employed to help him achieve his degree in Fine Arts. He has done so well and is now in his final year of his degree, something he has achieved against all the odds. The N is also a student on the same course and in the same year. It is because of what the N did to me that I had to leave my job, abandoning my student, though he has got a new support worker now. I felt very bad about this and have maintained contact with my student (outside of college), offering him encouragement whenever I can. My student really wants me to be there on Wednesday to see his work but I don't feel it would be wise as I would be forced to see N (who I have only seen once for 30 minutes in the last 8 months). I have been feeling so much better in the last few weeks, I don't want to put a spanner in the works and end up back at square one again. I would like to think that he no longer has the power to hurt me but I know this isn't quite true yet. It sounds crazy but I have this curiosity to see how it would affect me, to find out if I've made any progress in my recovery. I don't want my student to feel let down by me in any way so I would have to make up some excuse as to why I couldn't go and hope it doesn't upset him. As I'm writing this, I guess I'm answering my own question - don't go! Writing has been so instrumental in getting thoughts and feelings out of my system - and having this safe place to do it, is so great. I am doing the right thing, aren't I?

May 9 - 11AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I would recommend not going.

I would recommend not going. I thought the same thing when I went to the place where Mr N and I met. I knew he would be there, but thought I would be "ok". When Mr. N pulled a new girl through our group, I realized that I was not over him. I miss going to the venue, but it's a small sacrifice compared to what I will experience if I go and see him again.
May 9 - 11AM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Follow your gut

Writing DOES help us to think through this stuff, huh? There's something about putting the emotions into words that brings clarity. This is a dilemma, but I agree that you have answered your own question. Part of the process of recovering from these relationships is learning how to do a better job of taking care of ourselves. As much as you may want to be there for your former student, your first responsibility is to YOU. Only you can answer whether you could handle seeing your ex right now. If you can't, that's OKAY. You don't owe your former student any silly excuses for not attending. A simple, "I wish I could be there, but I have a prior obligation" is perfectly fine. You DO have a prior obligation. Protect your heart. Perhaps you can arrange a one-on-one meeting with your student at another time.
May 9 - 10AM
Steph
Steph's picture

ah, I'm sorry because this is

ah, I'm sorry because this is a crappy dilemna for sure. It's understandable why you would want to be there for your former student and you have a right to.... but, as you said, you don't think it'd be wise at this point to see the N. You know yourself best. Going to just see what your reaction would be to him, is dangerous. It could set you back immensely. But you already know this! You did answer your own question. I think you are doing the right thing by not going. You are looking out for Number One:) Good luck with whatever you decide, we're here for you either way:) xoxo