I have to break contact to tell him to stop contacting me, thoughts?

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Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
ally2375's picture


I think this is a vast improvement from the previous draft! I'm a big believer in the power of silence, but the advantage of your email is that you now have in writing that you wish to be left alone. If he violates that, you have grounds for intervention. One question: why include a link to NPD? Even if he reads it, he won't see himself in it. It doesn't seem like it adds anything but the possibility of opening up a debate. Just my two cents - this is your letter and you should do what YOU feel is best for you. :)
Oct 13 - 1AM (Reply to #17)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

I agree with your therapist

A much more empowering statement. Life is not a fantasy, it's real - good or bad but definitely better not filled with abuse, grief or insanity. And you can put a stop to that. Have faith and a huge hug. Dee x
Oct 12 - 11PM
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Okay, you want contact with

Okay, you want contact with him. You said in your post that you consider his antics to be "seductive"...you are flattered that he is taking the time to seek you out. Don't think for a second that all of us at one point or another haven't had those same feelings. You were fucking abused - just because you don't have physical scars, does not mean abuse didn't take place. Would your therapist advise you to contact someone who threw you down a flight of stairs? Or punched you? Doubtful. I don't think your therapist knows enough about this disorder to grasp just how dangerous it is for your recovery to be in any form of contact with that creep. You are looking for an excuse to have contact...please follow the advice of the people here who have been in your shoes and still are...you're in a very vulnerable spot, emotionally...the people here are very strong and have learned from making the same mistake that you're considering making yourself. I'm not going to tell you I think it's okay to contact him, because I don't think it's okay for your emotional health to do that. I think it will set you back immeasurably...I'm happy to hear that you're letting this stew for a day before you do it... hugs to you...I feel for ya, I really do. Such bastards we hooked up with, I swear.
Oct 13 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

but what about sending a strong clear boundary?

I know the bible of NC and I have been following it religiously! but what about sending a strong clear boundary??? there is healing and necessity in this too. or he will keep contacting me! do I really want to deal with the angst of ongoing phone calls? This is my version of a restraining order. I am not sure what is not clear here. This is not about me wanting contact. really. I am not fooling myself. I know this man well! and I know he will shrink away at this email. His ego will be shriveled up reading this. He will know the game with me is up! Boundaries are AS IMPORTANT as NC.
Oct 14 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Striving, Normal people

Hi Striving, Normal people understand what boundaries are. Narcs do not recognize them. What you state as a boundary, he sees as an opportunity. I have to see my ex from time to time. He does shit like say "I'm going home, though I don't know what I'm going to eat" (has no food in the house, ever)...etc...okay, what he's really saying is "take me home with you and take care of me"...he drops the hint without actually setting himself up for outright rejection...my reply to him? "good luck with that" and I walked away from him. And yes, he has texted me with "practical" types of messages, the usual boring narc behavior. I ignore them. He's found new supply and I know that's specifically designed to make me jealous and elicit SOME form of reaction from me, since I never give him one under any other circumstances. Guess what? No reaction. so you see, Striving, they ratchet up the outrageous behavior always with the goal of getting a reaction...any reaction (good or bad) out of us. Mine will give up, though I don't believe he's done just yet. I expect a "wedding announcement" to follow soon...because what else does he have left in his arsenal to try and get me to react? Take a wild guess as to what my reaction to that will be? :D Yes, they are annoying...and yes, they are hateful/hurtful individuals. But no email is going to deter his behavior...if anything, it will encourage it to continue. Think about what it is you really want to accomplish...if you truly want for him to leave you alone, then NC is the way to go...eventually, he will piss off. I think it takes them roughly as long to give up on us as it does for us to give up on them.
Oct 13 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
spinning's picture

SFH Your silence

and NON ENGAGEMENT is YOUR boundary. Why are you crossing that to engage in the game? Why bother with "informing him" that he is a narc and therefore you cannot be involved with him? You have been NC for 4.5 months. He knows you do not want to be involved with him. Why isn't ignoring and deleting enough? These are questions I have and I know only you can answer them. What is your intent? You say you do not want to deal with the ongoing phone calls but in your initial post you say there have been just three in the past month or so. When was the last one? Was it yesterday or three weeks ago? Is the payoff you will get from opening the door and initiating contact with him more valuable than keeping your NC boundary in place? You do not need to contact him to make him "shrivel up." You can make him shrivel up by changing your phone number and blocking him from your e-mail. Your continued silence will bore him. Your non-engaging will starve the beast. He keeps you in the supply loop because it's working for him. Contacting someone to tell them to never contact you again doesn't make sense to me. From where I sit, your email is an invitation (and directions if you include the narc link) to f**k with your head and continue in the game some more. This is just my opnion, striving. I know you are striving and you will do what you must to find relief and peace of mind. I sincerely hope you will find it and continue to move ahead. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF.


Oct 13 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Spinning- the last call was yesterday.

the one before- last week and the one before- 2 weeks before that. he has also driven by my house at least once and sought me out at a park. and honestly- every time he calls, although there are not many- it puts me into OBSESSION and upsets my day. I have spent waaaay too much time thinking about him since his call. this is not the way I want to live my days. I just think all of our Narcs have their own uniqueness and because I do know mine well- my gut ( and I could be wrong) is that my silence will NOT bore him...it will make me more of a conquest to seduce and hunt- and he will continue to seek me out-. He has too much pride to beg though, believe me...he will call me with things that he knows will get inside me. he won't profess dying love for me. that would be too weak for him to do... I still feel a strong clear do -not- contact-me -because- I know- who- you- are- email will floor him. BUT because i have all these swirling emotions around doing this. I will do nothing and continue to ignore his calls. He thinks he can wear me down. he used to be right...I would have caved by now..this time I stronger...honestly- because of this forum. thank you everyone.
Oct 12 - 10PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks everyone...but I know him the best and

I really think this email will make him stop contacting me. My "need space' was not strong enough. Don't you see? I need to ONE TIME say it loud and clear - Do not contact me. I am not looking to engage with him. I am not looking for any apology. I know him very well, better than he knows himself! ( because of my years of researching NPD)- and I think me calling him out in short strong language will freak him out- he cannot seduce me any longer and he will leave me alone. I am going to sit with this for 1 day and decide. and my therapist is a really good one. I trust him completely. he knows this dynamic inside and out.
Oct 13 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Then, if you really need to,

Then, if you really need to, why don't you say just that: Do not contact me. ?
Oct 12 - 10PM
Layla's picture

Hello Strivingforhealing!!!

Hi there! Can I offer my advice? Allow me to share what happened to me- ultimately YOU will have to make your own judgement call.... When I first went NC and had my abuser husband kicked out with an order of protection, the first thing I did was change my phone numbers. Ok, great, got that done....well, then came the emails, and the emails and the emails.....some nice, some sad, then angry, then threatening, well, you get the picture...anyway, I wasn't blocking him (yet!) I was just moving them to a folder in case I needed them later as proof he was harassing me...anyway, sometimes I would write back, "Leave me alone, stop contacting me.....blahblahblah".....HE WOULD NOT STOP EMAILING ME!!! I was giving him SUPPLY.....I was contacting him! Hello??? earth to Layla, earth to Layla!!! I learned my lesson early....I only had to tell him to leave me alone ONCE. That's it. Any contact made to me after telling him ONCE to leave me alone was NOT RESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES- NOTORIOUS NARC BEHAVIOR!!!! So in short, your abuser was told to leave you alone, you owe him NOTHING if he was already told- believe me, HE KNOWS!! He just DOESN'T CARE! I hope I have offered some useful words for you tonight! Think about it!! love~ Layla
Oct 13 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Great post Layla!

Great post Layla!
Oct 12 - 10PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Striving, you wrote it to

Striving, you wrote it to him. From my own experience writing these letters is a great help. BUT - you don't have to send it!!!! NC is NC is NC is NC. Period. And negative supply is supply too. Don't give that to him. And more important: Don't do that to yourself!!! get it out and post it here. Print it out and stick it to your mirror. It will be a great reminder for you each time you see it. He will get your message - but through silence and NC only. And if I were you, I'd look for a different therapist!
Oct 12 - 10PM
Gravity's picture


I think you should send it. It doesn't really matter what he thinks at this point, as long as he gets the message. Send it to him and then immediately delete that e-mail account and have your cell phone company on the line to block him immediately. His response could be angry and you don't want to hear it. If you need to send it Just block him immediately after.
Oct 12 - 9PM
Unfreakinreal's picture

That's a really tough call. I

That's a really tough call. I have been there. I gave my letter to my best friend and asked her to hold it for 30 days. When the month was up, I didn't want to send it anymore and I didn't. I am sorry he won't leave you in peace. Xoxo
Oct 12 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
lola_azul's picture

Not sure it will work

You will pretty much tell him, I am breaking NC to tell you not to contact me!! Not going to happen!! Be in charge! Sending all that is not going to make him stop! You will be giving him supply by letting him know that you researched about him!! Telling you from experience, hon! Just a thought: write it and hang on to it! Hugs
Oct 13 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Jelickuk's picture

If telling him what you

If telling him what you wanted and needed worked, you would still be together. For me my exnh is sn addiction and i often crave for more, not for him but for th intensity. Often the craving confuses me and because we have children I think I should break nc to arrange stuff for them. The bottom line is nc. With him even a hint of contact sends me spinning. He has sent yet another legal letter and I have been cared for 2 days waiting for it to arrive. I don't have answers but a great message is...... Don't wrestle with pigs, you will get covered in mud and the pigs will love it. X x