I have been nc for 9 months......is it normal to...???

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#1 Dec 16 - 6AM
bgirl
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I have been nc for 9 months......is it normal to...???

Thank you...I have been nc
December 14, 2011 - 10:37pm — bgirl

I have been nc for 9 months......is it normal to:
Feel self loathing?
Feel that nothing matters...struggle to look after myself at all....kind of laughable to me the concept of putting myself first.....?
Have vivid flashbacks that make you hot and anxious?
Want to be on your own and shut out society?
See narcissism everywhere and trouble trusting anyone or anything?

Dec 16 - 10PM
aceonelady
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Same here B Girl

And i hate feeling all of this...i wish i could get some pill and just forget all about it...What really makes me pissed off and sad is that i am unable to be my old me...i was(and i know i still am) a very Feelings person...but the happinnes i had,just spontaneous jot of living,is gone...i was always excited about a new day,always laughing...listening to music...now when i hear music i cry...if i smile,i feel unsettled...is like i am ashamed of myself,i feel guilty when hlaughing and unworthy...let's ay i went to the hardressers and look myself in the mirror,i see i am even looking better already...then i get sad and ask myself why he didn't see me the way i am?i am not the monster he made me believe i was...people say i am caring,goodlooking and intelligent...then i break down and wish he did see me like that too...and he saw all of that for ayear...then the abuse started,without any reason.Now i know he is disordered and it hurts.I am NC for 2 months now,and i am 3 years out...but we had some phone coontact and emails exchange.he went NC for a year,changed his cell number,then after a year he started hoovering,with nothing saying emails that did give me a lot of distress,then i told him i do not need crumbs and that is better if he stops all the contact with me.Then he told me HE only communicates with people he wants to be with or is with and since that was not the case with me,we should not communicate.I am NC for 2 months as i say,but feeling sick,numb,agressive,really do not wanting to do anything with anyone ,because i do not trust people...if he the one i spent 2 years dedicating myself to him,sharing laughs conversations and other stuff,did this to me,igoring me as i am nothing,who can i trust?why spend time on someone?no,thanks.But is sad,i wasn't like this and i hate having those feelings and thoughts.I am very happy i live in another Continent,because at this moment,i am very,very pissed off at him.

Aceonelady

Dec 16 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
bgirl
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Aceonelady....that's how I

Aceonelady....that's how I feel. I went to the hairdresser for the first time in 9 months...when she was drying my hair wanted to walk out....felt ugly, disgusting, a fraud....that's how I feel with most people....like a fraud. Some days I don't even feel like I'm worth feeding? Not a great state to be in is it? Angry too.....have so many bruises on my own arms because I will not take this stuff out on anyone else....if I didn't have kids....I prob wouldn't be here...if I am 100 percent honest with myself :/
Dec 17 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
aceonelady
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Dear Bgirl

No,it is not...but now i think if i stopped to take care of myself would make it things different?NO,we Have to take care of ourselves,we should not give them the satisction of totally destroy us...I am 55 ,no kids,i live in a foreign country for 30 years...no family here whatsoever...I am my family...Now i cry,wash my face and go to the Gym...AT LEAST I AM TAKING CARE OF MY OUTSIDE,AND ALSO BEING nc ONE DAY I HOPE I WILL BE ABLE TO FUNCTION BETTER SOMEDAY...IS A LOT OF WORK,BUT SOMEDAY WE WILL BE BETER....do not give up...wHEN YOU ARE DOWN,THINK ABOUT ME,I WILL BE RIGHT HERE IF YOU NEED...hUGHS YOU ARE NOT ALONE.HUGHS.

Aceonelady

Dec 17 - 1AM (Reply to #10)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Aceonelady you sound like a

Aceonelady you sound like a sweet soul.....I hope we can both find ourselves too...it is difficult being lost. Thank you for your time and compassion. X
Dec 16 - 9PM
walking_on_sunshine
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Trauma

I was just reading my intake and welcome letter for my trauma therapy group. All of what you described is included in the program outline. I guess its truly traumatic to be with an evil person. Time has got to heal this eventually, somehow, but I'm not sure if anyone can ever ever be the same after dealing with severe abuse. Hopefully the result in the end is a change for the better, but I think its now up to us to decide which direction we are going to take this experience. All you can do is keep trying, and if you do, then at some point I think it will start to get better.
Dec 16 - 8AM
GeorgiaGirl
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Yes indeed

I'm almost 9 months out and feel exactly like that. I don't trust anyone (even by telephone) because I expect everyone to take advantage of me. I don't know what is real, what was real and what hope I have for a healthy future. I wrote about this yesterday on the 4-6 board. You are not alone. Great job on 9 mo NC!
Dec 16 - 7AM
jackguy
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bgirl

You described my frame of mind very accurately...to be honest I am not continuously like this but it is how I feel most of the time...I do find the more I read and the more willing I am to grieve then slowly some of these symptoms ease off. I had a very positive night the other night for example...felt hopeful for the first time in 9-10 months. Just wanted to say you aren't alone though...I see narcissism everywhere, am shutting society out, struggle with self-care...
Dec 16 - 6AM
Sparrow
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Congratulations! 9 months NC

Congratulations! 9 months NC is wonderful! Great job! Yes, these are all very normal feelings to have I believe. You have lost your faith in "people" due to your experience with your narc. You will find, in time, that will improve as well. Work on "you" and why you are feeling this way. I found that I started to feel this way because narc #2 had eventually convinced me of it. They do such a number on our minds and hearts. I no longer believe the words that he told me, and everything has pretty much gone back to "normal". I am just more cautious of the people in my life and don't allow them to treat me in any way that I see unfit or unfair. It comes back to you. Have faith.
Dec 16 - 6AM
Used
Used's picture

bgirl

YES, it is NORMAL.....to feel like this...9MNTHS NC IS BRILLIANT, BUT IT IS STILL EARLY DAYS IN A WAY..... I felt as you do...everything was a struggle, why was i feeling like this....and then it began to pass....I AM 2YEARS 2MNTHS OUT.....and I would say this 2 mnths is when i fully healed....so it took me 2 years to get to this place.... Today I was thinking of something he had done in our early days....THAT USED TO FILL ME WITH ANGER[EVEN THO I STILL STAYED WITH HIM]....BUT I COULDNT GET PASSED IT..... TODAY, I COULDNT EVEN REMEMBER THE ANGER....I JUST REMEMBER THE INCIDENT AND THINK...SO WHAT?...HE LOST I WON....COS THAT INCIDENT 4YEARS AGO, WAS WHEN I THOUGHT THIS IS NOT GOING TO LAST, IF HE WANTS TO PLAY IT LIKE THAT GAME ON...I DID GET ANOTHER LIGHTBULB MOMENT ABOUT THIS INCIDENT TODAY, AND I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT EITHER... YOU WILL COME THRU THIS, IT DOES TAKE DIFFRENT TIMES FOR DIFFRENT PEOPLE.....BUT YOU WILL GET BETTER....XX
Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Thank you to each of you who

Thank you to each of you who responded.....thought I was having my second phase of lunacy but have now realized this is a process with no time line...thank u xx