I have to be honest..

My mornings are completely heart aches..my nights are endless with tossing and turning. As you all know, he leaves tomorrow morning to visit his new supply his California. I just can't seem to rationalize how this could be true. I continue to read, feeling great after but then comes overwhelming anxiety at one or two portions of my day. My brain tells me that this could be his "one," what if they get married, what I'd they get pregnant after I lost mine due to his fucked up caring methods. These thoughts are so overwhelming. So hard to focus on my new job and actually enjoy it. Part of me feels like that if I just knew he would contact me or what me back again would help me move on from these days because I would be the winner, not him. Does that make sense? The only thing I miss about him is his laugh. Yep, that's it. Nothing more. I have to get through this week, attempt to focus on me and my future..all in time. Can someone help me with these questions? I am only NC for not even a week.

Also, why do I get the silent treatment when I did absolutely nothing wrong yet she gets the man I fell in love with? I don't feel like I want him back, only that reassurance that he will regret this and no body will love him the way I did. He was on a pedistal with me, life was great for him. I hope this all makes sense to you reading this. I hate being in the state I am in. I hate him actually.