i guess a good birthday gift

ExN left voice mail at my job, which he never ever did, that he is in another state now. He left that note on my car the other day hoping to see me. I guess he had to "get out of Dodge" quick, I am sure he is running from someone, even himself for that matter.

I know this is the best birthday gift I could ever get. I am relieved, if it is the truth, that he wont be in my vicinity anymore and no more hoovers/stalking.

But of course, that 1% of my heart that remembers the fake N, the one that I thought was so good for me, is hurting. I am tired of hurting. Even when he is hundreds miles away, he still has affect on me. That 1% who still hoped I would see him again one day and he would be over his Narciness, and we would be happy and normal one day. Really? I thought I was doing better with all this shit. I have such a long way to go with this healing. Even though I haven't seen him in a while, I still feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. Once again he gave me this surprise information of his moving to rock my boat, to have the last Ha Ha. He inferred he was pissed because I blocked him. This is his way of getting back at me. I know it shouldnt matter to me. So why does it, I say to myself? Why? because I still havenn't let go 100%. Now I have no choice. After this time being NC I thought I was out of the woods, I wasnt honest with myself.

And if anyone remembers that malarchy where my friend got involved by using my phone to text him? Well, she happened to show up at my door this morning to wish me a happy birthday, and I had just typed out this long email I was going to send him, all about his NPD, blah blah. how hurt i was, blah blah. But she stopped me from doing it. She gave me a talking to that was more blunt and truthful than I have seen Hunter do (and I mean that in a good way Hunter). So this time she had my best interests at heart, and I was thankful for that, as it would have been worse if I were to break NC.

I am just numb. I am mad that i am reacting to this message he left me. I had such an unproductive day at work today. I hate that. I vowed to try every day to be the best version of myself, today I didnt live up to that promise I made to myself.

And to to boot, the little man with the little prick didnt even wish me a happy birthday. But what can I expect from him? What is wrong with me? I shouldnt be expecting anything from him. All this NC for few weeks, and I still thinking this way? I know his moving is the best thing for me. I know this is a blessing. I asked my deceased dad to give me a sign, any sign, that things will be ok for me. I was looking for a sign that exN still cared and wanted me. I think this is the sign he sent me. Whether or not the exN is really moved to another state is irrelavent. I have to remove him from my mind too. I am hurting so badly over nothing right now. I am making this into more then it should be, because little man with the little prick doesnt care for me. What a jack ass I am. I cant even be truthful to myself. Deny, deny, deny, thats what I have been doing by keeping him alive in my heart. Thinking I could hold onto the good memories and one day, could be years from now, we would be all good again. I know I trying to justify my cheating and lying with justifying that the wrongs I did were for not for naught. That a man who didnt and doesnt have any regard for me used me. This is awful, but what a good lesson learned and an eye opener for me today. Happy Birthday to me. Be well all.