I followed him and the OW today

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#1 Dec 10 - 2PM
Skb
Skb's picture

I followed him and the OW today

I think I am doing so much better...then I get in my car and drive by his house. They were pulling out together and I followed them. Why do I do that? When does the D and D stop hurting so bad? When do I stop crying? I want to talk to him and forgive him which is SO STUPID. Why should I forgive the lies? I could fill a room with the lies he has told. But here I am wanting to forgive HIM. I saw a hypnotherapist yesterday. If I can just get ahold of the obsessive thoughts. I can't let myself go near him.

Dec 11 - 4PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

if you want to forgive him in order to move on...

do it. but not to get back with him. forgive him because he's truly scared and miserable inside and he'll never find any peace. but you can. they are a drug, pure and simple. don't feed it by going past his house. try to remember every day all you have going well in your life, everything you love and are grateful for. it'll take the energy out of the obsessiveness. be patient with yourself, it takes time for the brain to stop firing and settle down. you've been on high alert with all the drama for soo long that it'll take time, it's PTSD. i still jump inside when i see the N's name or anything like it. we all understand what you did, we've all been there whether on FB or drive-bys or just obsessing in our minds. the pain will go away, and remember that if you don't want to do this again in 5 years (or 10 or 20), go through the pain now then you can really enjoy the pain-free peaceful life you're meant to have. hugs, tinker
Dec 10 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Don't do it!

For your own good. It's understandable you want answers, closure, to receive forgiveness and give it. It's important to stay NC, for your emotional health. It doesn't matter if your ex-N treats her like a goddess or like the dirt under his feet, REMEMBER how he treated you! Stay away. Trying to get answers will only drive you crazy. Make a list of how he treated you-and you will want to stay far far away.
Dec 10 - 5PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

The sad truth, is...he could

The sad truth, is...he could care less if you forgive him. Letting go is very hard. I broke up with my ex N, and it wasn't any easier, than being dumped by him. That said. There will come a day. When you will not drive by his house. When you won't care who he's fucking. When you won't care who he's lying to...or what he's up to. You're not there yet. But, trust me...keep NC. Keep praying. Keep hope alive. And one day...you will wake up, and your car won't drive there anymore, because your heart just won't want to go there anymore. It's a great day, indeed. One day...this will happen. No one can tell another here how long it takes to get there. But, we can usurp our own progress when we do drive bys, look at their facebook pages, etc. etc. etc. So, it takes effort to stay away completely. But, you can do it. Once you stay away completely. The pains of it all go away. And you will move on. To bigger and better things. Get it? ''Bigger?'' lol Have to laugh or we'll just keep crying. Sending you hugs. You're human. Stay strong...and be determined to heal yourself.
Dec 10 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Skb
Skb's picture

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. You are right. He could care less. He has someone new to suck into his hollow shell of a life. And she LOVES him. She knows aboout me and that he was lying to her. But she took him back. Just like I did all those times. So did wife one....wife two kicked him out. If I FORGIVE him I will hate myself for it. I bought him a gift today for what would have been our second anniversary next weekend. I guess I should just keep it for myself. I bet he buys her a better gift than the $25 earrings I got last year. Cheap bastard.
Dec 10 - 5PM
empath
empath's picture

skb

Please do yourself a favor and realize that what you have done today is engaging in stalker behavior. You absolutely must not do this if you want to heal. If you find yourself wanting to do things like this, you must find a positive diversion. Come here and vent if you need to, just don't go driving past his house or following him and OW. You have made the choice to go NC and to heal from the damage done. You must accept that he is a disordered Narcissist, that he will not change or get better, that he is not capable of being part of your bright, happy, healthy future, and that the OW is irrelevant...her D&D is inevitable, so don't even concern yourself with her. Stalking him will make the negative thoughts start snowballing, will cause pain hormones to circulate in your anterior cingulate cortex, and will trigger a downward spiral. Don't allow this to happen. You are in control of you, and you have to honor the wisdom of your decision to go NC and stay NC. Be strong. :)
Dec 10 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

These feelings will

These feelings will eventually pass. It does take a very long time though, I will be honest. The key is to make every effort possible to avoid him and continue to devote yourself to the task of NC. The obsession is simply you wanting the "magical period" back in your life, when your brain was releasing the oxytocens that made you feel euphoric. This is no different than a drug addict detoxing from what ever drug he was addicted to. Many fail the first few tries, because the withdrawal is so painful, and they just can not endure the physical pain. This is what you and the rest of us have or are experiencing. This shall pass, but you ave to allow the time for it to. Following them just makes this all the more painful for you. Avoid them, take a different route than you are use to akin. Do everything you possibly can to assure that you succeed in this area. As Hunter always says "contact=pain" and she is 100% right! Just remember, what you are longing for, never existed, it was an illusion, created by him, for his benefit only. And the OW, she will be right where you are, sometime in the future. It's just how this all works. You are new at this, and in time, it will get a bit easier. But it does get harder before it gets easier, so know this and accept that this is the way it will be for a while. Read as much as you can about the NPD and stay as close to the forum as you can. Seek therapy if you haven't already. You will be fine, it's just going to take a while, but it is worth it!
Dec 10 - 2PM
Used
Used's picture

Skb

it isn't that you want to forgive him, you want it back to when you didnt know it.....its not possible, i know how you are feeling, and i know what you are saying....we CANNOT REWIND LIFE OR REWRITE HISTORY.... HE DONE IT, AND YOU FORGIVING HIM WON'T TAKE THAT AWAY.... THE OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOUR WILL GO, IT TAKES SOME TIME, BUT STAYING NC REALY DOES HELP....
Dec 10 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Skb
Skb's picture

You are right

You are so right. I don't want to forgive him....I want IT back. All of it, even the daily drama, it was like a drug. Now that there is NC, I feel so dead inside. I guess that is because the abnormal became normal and normal feels all wrong. Thank you.
Dec 10 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

actually. what you feel is

actually. what you feel is peace. and peace can 'seem' boring. but, peace is good. take it in. being with a narc brings no peace. it's sick, twisted and peace-less. enjoy the solace. get to know and love yourself again. i felt the same way when i broke up with the ex. it was like...woah, life's a little dull and depressing now. but, that's because i grew up in drama and chaos. it felt normal. you have great insight. you really do. now just stay nc...and forget about the jerk. lol i know. easier said than done. but you can do it.
Dec 10 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

I feel exactly the same way.

I feel exactly the same way. Seems we all do. Whatever happens in our brains when we are seduced by them...who knew it could change us so much.