I feel very empty and can't figure out why I want to contact him

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#1 Dec 15 - 12PM
Happy1
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I feel very empty and can't figure out why I want to contact him

I feel very empty right now and don't feel the rush of communication I guess. I have no intention of contacting him but a big part of me wishes he would contact me. I feel very lonely and sad but also empty inside.
I didn't cry as much this morning on the way in but still cried. I haven't cried at work so that's a blessing. It doesn't feel any better but I'm not crying as much. I really hope this is going to get better each day so by Spring time I can enjoy the outdoors with my son and not think of stupid head on his stupid boat with his special son.

Dec 15 - 8PM
gettinbetter
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Happy1

Everyone had there own way of saying it but mine is this... It is like you are having a limb amputated without any anesthia. You are begging for some anesthesia cause it hurts so badly only this anesthsia only last for a short time and makes you violently ill in which the perceived relief becomes worse than the pain
Dec 15 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Happy1
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sick of it

Yes! that's what I feel and it's so hard to describe but yes, I feel like I lost a part of me like a limb. I feel lost and confused and angry and sad and disgusted. I have a lot of emotions and mostly negative ones right now. It just sucks!
Dec 15 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Let the tears fall

BUT don't contact him... You want to contact him because this is almost like an addiction, a habit. Once you give yourself time and stick to it...it gets easier. Everytime you are weak, get on this board. This board helped me maintain my sanity. (well, maybe not my sanity cause that's questionable)but they helped me to at least get past the corner store...LOL Hang on kiddo...we're right there with you. Stay strong. You have a beautiful little boy that needs you - don't know how old he is or how much he understands. Mine is 13 and he witnessed my entire meltdown. Just do your best to reassure him in an age appropriate fashion that Mommie will be okay. Kids are resiliant that way. My son was an absolute gem. Last night, I forgot what we were talking about. He bought me a locket for Christmas...melted my heart... He also said something about kicking the Narcs A$$...methinks I better watch my language although its probably too late... Overall he's a good boy - he's just at that age and if I get on his case about the cussing he'll do it more I presume...I just tell him it's not nice *what a hypocrite I am...LOL That boy will never leave your side - it is the one thing that is constant. HIS blood runs through your veins, he is the most important thing in your life. That doesn't mean you can't date. You know...in my deepest despair, I asked myself: What if God said Michele, Ima give you a choice - that man well behaved give you anything you want perfect man or your child but you can't have both. I really learned to appreciate all I did have after that question...we weren't born with these men, they are not parts of our bodies...we are emotionally attached and it's painful - but we have to fight through this and rest with the confidence that we will come out of this not broken but formidable forces to contend with. Each day, I feel more and more empowered...you will get there just give it time... I promise you that. Hugs
Dec 15 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

michele115

Thank you so much for sharing your story about your son! It really helps me put things in perspective and I would definitely choose my 8year old son over any man. He is my life and I definitely need appreciate my time with him. I don't feel I've been doing that since this narc and have a lot of guilt. I need to turn my life around for my son and I.
Dec 15 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I know that empty feeling,

I know that empty feeling, Happy. That's something we all feel at first. It is a real kind of emptiness. And it STINKS of the Narc, it is Narc shaped, and it only follows that putting him back in it will ease that suffering emptiness. But the Narc himself is empty. You are adding empty to emptiness. You need to fill up that emptiness with GOOD things. And we all need help to do this. We can't do it alone. That's why I went on and on about you getting yourself some real help in your other thread. I had to get it for myself. I didn't just toss off my Narc and go about having a great life. I needed help badly. Make sure what you fill this emptiness up with is GOOD stuff. It will get filled up again, I promise. But you have to deliberately choose what to fill it up with. And believe in your heart that filling it up with HIM is only going to make it worse, and you are already suffering badly enough :(
Dec 15 - 1PM
jen79
jen79's picture

Happy1

Cause you want the pain to stop. Focus on that, you want the pain to stop, so reaching out for the source of this pain, wont help. Forget about that he spends holidays with his ex. Think of jaycee. Jaycee was this women for more than 24 years he went back to. Dont be jealous. Dont be too sad. You will need to find other ways to stop your pain. And you will!
Dec 15 - 12PM
ewa
ewa's picture

Happy1 , please think ,

Happy1 , please think , think about the bad stuff he did to you. Try to remember it all. And get angry. You are really such a great person, no freak should impact your life so badly. Whenever you feel like this just try to remember all the bad stuff he did!!!!
Dec 15 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

thanks ewa

I have forgiven so much and I don't want to forgive him anymore. Or maybe I forgive in my heart but that doesn't mean I have to ever let him know that. He truly is evil and I do believe he wants to punish me now or have me find something out that will put me over the edge. This is why I took him off my facebook. I don't want anything to get to me ever again. Hugs!
Dec 15 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
ewa
ewa's picture

Happy1 forgiveness will come

Happy1 forgiveness will come when you will be "done" with him, it will come naturally. Once you will be really happy you will not have to try to forgive him, you will simply forgive him. Taking him off of Facebook is really good decision, even better is to block him so you will not see his comments etc. Do not let him control your life, he still does. You are the only one who has the power to take the control over. Do it. Be happy. Do not forget our live is short, to short to waste it this way. Be strong. Hugs!
Dec 15 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

ewa

Thanks ewa! I have a lot of bitterness in me right now. I'm very bitter that he is with his ex-wife and is not alone and I am. I'm bitter he doesn't get what pain he has caused or actually I believe he is loving the pain he is causing. I have not begged for him back. I will not do that. But I'm very upset and bitterness is so not healthy I know. Forgiveness I hope comes so I don't feel this and can move on. Thank you!