I feel so inadequate now

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 9 - 1PM

beamoflight

I feel so inadequate now

How do you get over them? I have been NC since 2/14-- at my doing.

I feel all sick & twisted because I want him back so bad and yet I know he's all wrong for me.

I have not even seen him in a year-- we just had email contact and I dont know why-- but that contact meant so much to me.

I thought I could make him see.

I feel like a failure. An inadiquite failure.

Does anybody else sometimes think if we become what they want then they will finally want us back? I feel so fat and ugly... and it's strange-- I need/want validation from him-- ONLY HIM!

It's like if he does not give it to me that it's not good enough coming from somebody else. Why is this?

I sometimes wonder if I am an inverted narcissist. I'm not kidding-- my soul hurts. It's actually aches for him. I am in such a self struggle.

Part of me thinks that he opened up to me-- that makes me different-- like I can help him. I want so much for him to be the man I thought he was.

Help.

I need to get past him-- or just find a way not to obsess over a man I have not seen in a year-- just had sporatic emails with. (I had to not see him as he did some VERY hurtful sh%t to me over the years).

I feel crazy but part of me thought I was meant to be with him. Like we have/had some crazy connection.

Does anybody feel lie this???

#2 Mar 12 - 6PM

gettinbetter

I could have written this

I could have written this post myself. I dont know your story but Im sure its like everyone elses. Yes I too felt that very deep connection and yes it has been one year since I have seen him. I think the deep connection for me is that in many ways we are the same. We both feared that the other would abandon. He was afraid I would abandon him because Im married and I was afraid he would abandon me because he had already done it once years ago. I suffered alot of trauma with this man some 20 years ago. So I think in many ways emotionally we have the same issues they just manifest differently. He became a Narc and I became a codependent but our core issues are the same. I believe that it is the reason that now some 20 years later he still felt like home to me.

#3 Mar 13 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

beamoflight

something to think about

I wonder if I do have co-dependant tendenices. I read up on it and between that and inverted narcissist it's scary. I fall inbetween. I see myself. I think that's why I am so attracted to this man and he to me. I was able to "justify" his comments. Oh, we can't go out-- he's right I do look fat, I would embarass him-- YET he still would want to have sex. So, I'm good enough for sex but not for a vacation???? Or he'd say "I'd take you to the beach but you'd feel so self concous in a bathing suit" Well, yup, I do now! I would look in the mirror and instead of seeing a pretty woman I'd see (and still do) a fat woman. Very fat woman. I get asked out so much and I never say yes, I am actually scared to get dressed up. It's crazy. I actually fear getting dressed in nice clothes. It's like if I am not a perfect size 2, I am not good enough. AND I AM NC FOR A MONTH NOW-- this is all me. Today I looked at myself after the shower and thought-- well, it's not all his fault-- you would look heavy in a swim suit". The sad part is-- This is all me. NOTHING anybody says can change this. I have to. Thank you.

#4 Mar 18 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

ifinallygotit

size and this disorder

It does not matter what size we are. I am a "perfect" size 2 and was a fitness model in my early 40's. He was still too ashamed to have me out in public with him alot and be seen as a couple even though we were a couple! I look better that the hookerish lady that he now seems very proud to show off. I think he is foolish and that he has no idea what "impressive is" - its character and being real with your partner! That is impressive! Not being a weanie and running from problems when you are a grown man! There is nothing wrong with me or you. Its them, they are obsessed with their image - everything is external - no inner life. My self esteem is very low but I notice it is up from the negative zone to maybe a 2 out of 10 now. I have battled codependency for a long time. We learn it when we are young to cope with abusive parents. Had a very scary mom. My attachments to men have been needy cause I never had any nurturing and so enjoy being a part of a loving family... I look pretty good (by societal standards) and that has never helped me one bit with these disorders! In fact, it makes me attract superficial dogs! I have been paying less attention to my appearance since he left and that is partly good if I do not become a total slob! lol... I never felt pretty enough, good enough or worthy when with him. I used to ask him if he was ashamed of me! I could not understand why he wanted to keep me at home so much and go lout alone or with the boys! Now I get it...

#5 Mar 9 - 4PM

Hunter

Beam

You just started a few weeks ago, give yourself time! You have made a decision so stick with. Read,read,read! Hugs Idealk

#6 Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

beamoflight

Thank you. I'm always

Thank you. I'm always thinking he's nicer to "her" better to "her" likes "her" better. It's consuming my thoughts. Why is it that to him "she" so much better than me??? This is the question I ask myself over & over. Do they change or will she eventually get put through the same hell that I did?

#7 Mar 10 - 7AM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

They have a disorder, we are

They have a disorder, we are just objects, kind of like their entertainment! Once you catch on or get too close it's A D& D frenzy! All you can do is go NC and find your own soul! Idealk

#8 Mar 13 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

beamoflight

That is exactly what

That is exactly what happened. Once I got to close he started with the whole hot & cold thing. I actually handled that fine. It was when he started to make me doubt my looks, my weight... I work with all men, I think he did this because in his twisted brain it gave him a way for me not to find another man. It worked. I gave him my power-- now I'm struggling to get it back.

#9 Mar 13 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

michele115 (not verified)

Beamoflight

Every day when you step out of the shower, I want you to stand in front of a mirror naked and say in a very determined voice and you can shout if you like: DAMN I LOOK GOOD! And I want you to do that every day until you really really believe it. You have to fight to undo the brain damage he's caused...yes brain damage...trauma damages the brain. And so you have to re-brainwash yourself. It's not enough to think it...you have to say it so that the brain hears it through sound. How do you think hypnosis works? Hugs!

#10 Mar 14 - 5AM (Reply to #8)

beamoflight

It sounds funny when you

It sounds funny when you first read it but then the more I think about it-- it makes sense. I did it today. I'll let you know when it kicks in. Thank you. :)

#11 Mar 10 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

spinning

beam...I'm going

to second Ideal's suggestion to READ READ READ. The blog section on this board is filled with validating information and tips on helping with the obsessive thoughts and how this very disordered person you believe you're pining after doesn't exist. Also, he is not going to have anything any better with anyone else. They never change. They cannot be 'fixed.' Ideal's right about time and distance, too. The early days of NC (which you're in) are very very tough. Take it one moment at a time. Try to refocus your thoughts every time they intrude. It's time for you now. You will begin to see things more clearly in a little while. Stay strong. Stay here. There are many wise, great people here to help. Sincerely (finally slowing down from) spinning

spinning

#12 Mar 10 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

beamoflight

I'm trying ladies, I thank

I'm trying ladies, I thank you so much. I am trying. still no contact since 2/14. I must deranged because honestly, I'm still longing for some shread of validation from him that I will never get. Thank you for understanding as I have tried to explain him to my BFF's and all they can come up with is "he's f-ed up, move on & forget him" easier said than done.

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