I feel so defeated today

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#1 Jan 21 - 3PM

reneek

I feel so defeated today

There is no particular reason today other than I just feel so trapped -- I feel I can't protect my daughter or move on with me life. Every time there seems to be a steady state the one predictable thing is his unpredictability or his abuse. I know I am supposed to shut it down and ignore it, but it is constant and it is in my face and feel like I always have to fear tomorrow and what will happen. He will fight dirty -- he will hold no punches back --- his goal is to hurt me and get me through our daughter. I have a lawyer -- but is this a way to live? it is expensive, time consuming and energy sucking.

Then I feel terrible guilt and I truly hope no one on this site judges me as a "bad person" when I say what I am going to say.

When our daughter was born and he knew he was moving to another area far away - he choose to go to Haiti for 8 weeks with Doctors without Borders. Everyone hailed him and praised him and he loved it, but it was truly all about him and what he would gain and the stories he would be able to tell when he got back. I begged him to stay to help me with our daughter and to bond with her, but he needed to go he said in order to sort things out. I have no family in the area and he left me alone to work and raise a 7 month old baby myself.

His mother (another evil and horrible person) visited me and the baby once during that time period and said "a man's got to do things like this some times and it doesn't make him less of a father." I thought she was smoking a crack pipe -- the kid was 7 months old when he left and he was moving permanently away 1 month after he returned.

Anyway, what makes me feel guilt is that -- I saw the Doctors without Borders buildings in Haiti on TV and trust me when I say this I was sad and heart broken for anyone who was hurt, but I was also sad that he was not in that building when it came down. I am angry at him not only for what he does to me directly, but I am angry at him because I am thinking about something that hideous -- a thought that would never cross my mind before he showed up in my life -- who am I and what am I becoming?

I have to admit - I think of ways to go underground and leave the country taking my daughter with me so we can never be found by him again. I think that being a cleaning person in another country and having no rights and hiding for the rest of my life would be more peaceful than this for me and my daughter and I hate him for that.

I would give any amount of money -- I would give everything I've earned and put away to have him go away -- to feel peace of mind again in my lifetime. I don't know what peace feels like when I am constantly being tormented and tortured and humiliated and degraded. I feel fear constantly - -wondering what he will do next to me or her -- I am strong and I can manage him, but it takes its toll. I always liken it to the school year bully wanting my milk money. I say no -- he punches -- I say no again - he still punches -- I stand firm and he never gets my money, but my ribs are broken, my eyes are blackened, my lip is fat and I can't walk -- the lunch money was worth it, because it is my pride, but the price was very high. I feel like that every day.

I am obsessed and my obsessive thoughts are all about survival and protection. In my therapy sessions we barely have time to get to how I feel before the time is up -- we talk about all the crazy things he did and what I need to do to manage it next time. I am dating a wonderful wonderful kind man -- known he for a long time and he allows me to talk about it, but I feel like there is always this 3rd entity in our relationship and that we can't get away. The other day we were at the movies and my ex N sent 3 text messages through the movie -- all harrassing me - -there is no freedom -- no place for personal space. It is constant.

I hate this so much and I am sorry if I offended anyone or offend anyone now -- I just wish he had been in Haiti. I light candles every day and pray for a bus to hit him or something so that he will go away and leave us alone. I used to think he would get bored, but he enjoys the fight too much and somehow the older my child gets - the more fun she gets the intensity of this gets worse.

#2 Jan 21 - 7PM

TexN (not verified)

Reneek

Don't feel bad about wishing him permanently gone. I feel that way sometimes too. The narc told me once that he & his brother were playing with a witchy board (don't know how to spell it) when they were kids & it said he was going to die when he was 36. He's 34 right now...just wondering if its true...I guess I'll find out in two years (if i don't go first!). Once when i was pissed at him, i said, "Aren't you 36 yet???!"

#3 Jan 21 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

reneek

that is hilarious !

Here is to 36 !!

a woman learning to love again

#4 Jan 21 - 4PM

agnesmurphy17

Just reread your story

Seems from your story that this man does not live in the same city as you. Is that true? You said he rarely visits the child, only in conjunction with visits to other daughters. I wonder why you have so much contact? Three texts in a short period of time? Did he have the child at the time of the texting? You weren't married. But some kind of shared custody. He has certain rights to comment on how she is raised. But, how far does that go? Basically, as far as you will allow him to go. I think you should print out all the texts & e-mails. Depending on the content & possibly the frequency, this could be termed as harrassment. In my state, numerous phone calls throughout an afternoon, or evening can be deemed harrassment. It can be complicated. Are you afraid? Can you get afraid enough for a restraing order? You say he's a MD in your story. He would be very sensitive to the law. Force is the only language these guys understand. Your guy sounds awful. Mine was also highly educated & held a respected position. Mine was the master at mental cruelty & control. But, I never hear from mine. He does have a NW. But, also, I think because he's not getting a reaction from me. No feed off of my soul. Your's is getting to you through the child. You say you go to a therapist, in your story, & all you talk about is him & his latest antics. I fully hear you! BUT . . . if you do not live together & he is somewhere else, why is there so much contact? Just because he says he wants you to report to him every day about the child . . . does that mean you have to? Isn't there some way to set limits? That's why you need to print out every text, make notations of date & time of calls, & e-mail. If he's really over contacting you, keep a log, & then use the log in court to have a judge set some kind of limits on him. I know this requirement to jump through the banal hoops they require. Control. Submission. Humiliation. This trip abroad when the child was 7 months old! ANd he's a Gyn/Obs! I think anybody with half a heart & any feeling for the mother of a child would stick around & help. Especially a MD. Post-partum depression is very much related to fatigue. And, just wanting to share the exciting life of a new born. Really, anybody who believes this jerk is nobody you care about. This just makes no sense for any thinking person. I bet he's misogynist & he's a gynecologist. Perfect. Isn't that just a pathological for you? It's just too creepy & weird. I bet this one really keeps your gears spinning.

#5 Jan 21 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

reneek

you said a lot of great things

he did have my daughter that day he kept txting me and he was unilaterally trying to change the drop off agreement -- both time and place and kept insisting that I comply to his demands. I have sole custody, but he put language in the contract that enables him to call in and check in and do whatever he wants -- there were a lot of loop holes because he'd been here before with his ex-wife and he knew what to do -- me I was a deer in headlights and my laywer was exhausted with him. We are going to court to tighten it up -- I wrote an affidavit when I filed my paper work that exposed the hell out of him and my answer to his complaint did the same -- because I exposed him with truth -- I am afraid of what he will do with his twists and lies. Even in his complaint he had 2 lies in it. There is too much contact and I just don't know why -- it is all the time -- I fear opening my personal email acct when I get home. I may be a bit at fault but have been pulling back. Up until a few months ago, I thought I could communicate with him about the raising and rearing of our child and I was doing it with pure innocent and loving intent - he does nothing with that. So about the ob/gyn part -- he is a total misogynist and so is his mother believe it or not. My Ob told me at the time I was pregnant and she was concerned -- she said -- there are only 2 types of Obs -- those that love women and those that really really hate women and need to have power over them when they are totally vulnerable. She said there are many many of those and that is how it used to be a long time ago. Then she went on to say -- your partner is the later. I never ever ever forgot that quote. It just rocked my world because it was so hard for me to digest that a person who heals and helps women could hate them and treat them so badly. His ex wife said when she was pregnant people used to say to her how lucky she was to be with a man who is an Ob and understand -- adn she would think to herself -- you have no clue. She and I used to be close, but he was concerned we would gang up on him and ensured separation by cutting off our communication and praying on both of our fears -- now we pretty much hate each other and don't trust the other one at all -- neither of us knows what is true -- she is an odd duck though. Sad it worked out that way -- it was nice to have her support and I am sure she appreciated mine because no one else in the world could or would believe our stories. thanks or responding -- it always feels to good to be heard and understood.

a woman learning to love again

#6 Jan 22 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

agnesmurphy17

Reenek

All these guys are alike. And, trust me, your's is way a lot like mine. "I fear opening my personal email acct when I get home." I know how you feel. I used to be this way as well. I still have a fear. You need to open a new e-mail account just for him. When you go to that account, only he & spamers will be there because nobody else will have that account. Same for a phone, may be worth the extra money every month, get a family plan but you are using the 2-3 numbers yourself. Take control here. "Up until a few months ago, I thought I could communicate with him about the raising and rearing of our child and I was doing it with pure innocent and loving intent - he does nothing with that." This is the problem. One cannot treat a pathological as a "normal" person. Using "normal" psychology only enables them. Actually, using "normal" psychology gives them ammunition to blow you away. They gather information & use it against you. That's why they are called pathological. Mine fed on the verbal harangue. Especially the ones who are not into physical violence, beatings, slapping, punching. The really refined, evil ones . . . they are into mind control. And they use your own personality & vulnerabilities against you. To manipulate you. Please, understand, this man has nothing, nothing but contempt for you. You are lesser than a cockroach for him. He is a cat playing with you the mouse. He's enjoying making you frantic. "pure innocent and loving intent - he does nothing with that." Yes. He does something with that . . . the harangue. He's feeding off your "pure & innocent intent." This sounds paranoid. And it is. But the truth is that this guy is out to get you. But, nobody can believe you because to other people he is just such a great guy. You talk crazy paranoid, therefore, you must be. This is the reason why you have to limit contact with these pathological men. You cannot win. Take my advice. Make a log. Note every date & time & means of contact. Print out e-mail; digital photograph text; record messages on a tape recorder. Keep an organized and easy-to-flip-through log for the judge for sometime in the future. Affidavits are nice but, hey, like you mentioned, dude lied a few times. Nothing better the the real thing. For example, the time for pick up with the child was prearranged. You made plans. But obviously, he changed his mind. He's bullying you & harrassing you to change the time. Mine did the same thing. Think like he's a whining child. Going on & on making it easier for you to give him what he wants, rather than refuse. Having a log showing this bullying is your best proof. Your affidavit makes it into a 'he says' & 'she says' story. This is what a pathological feeds on--this is their forte. (I didn't say that! -- Gaslighting. And they believe their lies & they convince everybody of their position.) A log = the thing speaks for itself. The judge can draw his own conclusions from the hard evidence. And, pathological cannot twist your words. Do not answer his e-mails. The ones that need to be answered, answer very briefly. To the point. No explanations. "Yes." "No." "I don't know." Mine made me jump through hoops. Went ballistic when I did not answer his e-mails. It's all about control. You go on about how you are the only person to stand up to him. I am afraid that this "standing up" for yourself is only "engaging" him & he thrives off this engagement. Really, one needs to starve the vampire. Normal psychological of standing up for yourself is enabling the harangue. And, obviously, you two do not get along. Have you thought about having a third-party location for a drop off & pick up? And, from my experience, these times for drop off & pick up are very rigid. Most divorced people cannot get along, even when a pathological is not involved. Judges understand this. Really what can he do to you? Is he interested in taking the child? Having full custody? Raising her himself? 24/7. If he's like mine. No. He does't want that because that will confine his movements. He wants to control you 24/7 & he's using the child to do that. He's feeding off your fears. Just limit contact. Don't respond to nonsense. He's trying to get to you & he does a good job at it. He will go as far as you let him. The trick is to really not care.

#7 Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

reneek

wow -- this is good

I am about 70% where you are suggesting I get to and I am going to strife for the other 30%. I like the separate email account idea -- I love it !! I do answer most emails briefly but sometimes get caught in the need to protect. I will read and reread what you wrote here ! This is good stuff. Agnes -- how do your kids do through all of this? When you are done protecting yourself -- how do you protect them?

a woman learning to love again

#8 Jan 22 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

agnesmurphy17

Sorry

No kids of my own. Just am in the legal profession. I am familiar with all the stuff that goes on in Family Court with normal divorces. And, am familiar with sociopaths, narcissists, & addicts from the criminal courts. And, still I was hooked by a narcissist-sociopath. Mine is good. His new woman = psychiatrist! No kidding. I wonder how long it will take her to figure him out? Anyhow . . . the only protection against this kind of human evil is to remove oneself. That's my opinion. I see this type of man as the personification of evil. All human evil is the result of narcissism. Your's may be even creepier than mine. In the medical profession! Using a helping profession to disseminate evil. That's pathological. Perfect cover. Do I sound crazy & paranoid? Yep!

#9 Jan 22 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Ellen

I agree

Hi Yes the medical profession and performing hysterectomy's etc, what better place for a misogynist to be hey. They love it. Well if i hated men that badly i could become a urologist and circumcise them all, funny that cos you don't see many women in that job and yet gyne (sp) is full of men. I think they are evil too.

#10 Jan 22 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

Ellen

don't become a manhater Ellen - my late Dad was decent man. And my GYN and ENDOCRINOLOGIST are male and both have been just wonderful to me. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#11 Jan 22 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Ellen

I couldn't be

I couldn't be a manhater cos i have two boys. I am a hater of bad men and a society that has caused women a lot of pain.

#12 Jan 22 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

Barbara (not verified)

Ellen

I should have said male-doctor hater? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#13 Jan 21 - 4PM

Ellen

reneek

Hi Reneek, Well i am not offended and don't know why you think we would be. I reckon everyone on here feels like you or if they don't they soon will when the realisation hits of what has happened to them. I love your description of the school bully thats exactly what it is. It's bullying. Actually i think now that i have been bullied all my life by men, my father and all my relationships. It won't stay like this for you. I can see why you find it so hard when you have a daughter to take care of like i do. At least you have a new relationship and get support from that. I'm sure things will ease up eventually.

#14 Jan 21 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

reneek

thanks Ellen

has it gotten better for you? does it ever get better? he is old -- 51 and I wonder if he will tire of it all. He tormented his ex-wife as well, but her character is not nearly as strong as mine -- she would resist and due to exhaustion she would ultimately relent. He isn't used to someone standing up to him -- in fact I am the only and the first and he doesn't know what to do with it -- because of that he calls himself a victim and me an abuser. He says I have to control him -- when all I want is to control myself and to have a voice in my daughter's life as her primary and sole custodian. I really did want things to be different. I could've done a peaceful dissolution with anyone -- all my broken relationships always always ended in peace -- I am capable of it and I am angry at him for telling the world that I am not capable and that I am sick and mentally unstable. I am scared too right now because we are going to court on Feb. 5 and I know him well enough to know he's got some dirty trick up his sleeve and I don't know what it is going to be -- but whatever it is -- it is going to be a punch that has quite a sting. Having a new lawyer -- she is not used to him or prepared. He wore my other lawyer out. My other lawyer said he was in the top 5 crazies he has dealt with in his lifetime. How old are your children - any tips or strategies?

a woman learning to love again

#15 Jan 21 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

fairy wings

Contact

Hi Reneek. I've read your posts and the replies from others and there is some good advice here; we've all been through similar. Without repeating what everyone else has said I think rather than focusing on what has been and what is, your way out and of taking control would be to focus on what could be, what your ultimate aim is and then having this plan in mind keep moving towards it. I agree with the others and wonder why there is so much contact. Could you arrange contact through someone else. I know that may not be possible, however sometimes this helps. If this is not possible do not be a slave to your phone, again I know that is difficult when children are involved, however we've also allowed ourselves to become slaves to mobiles! I know counselling time disappears quickly as I am a counsellor, however what would seem to be productive would be for the sessions to be focused on you and what is happening inside of you, not to focus on him or his actions. Really the only way out and through any of this is always the same, focus on you; the stronger you get the less imapct his actions will ahve on you. If you continue to focus on him he is still in the driving seat of your life. You said you have no wish to control him; you just want control of your life and your child's life, so what steps would you have to take to ensure you get in to this position? Imagine the best case scenario, your life as you want it and take steps to move in that direction. Rule him out of the equation. I know in reality he is in the equation, however if you imagine he isn't, you will be amazed at what you can currently have more control over..........and yes it does get better!

#16 Jan 23 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

agnesmurphy17

I agree with Fairy Wings

"Imagine the best case scenario, your life as you want it and take steps to move in that direction. Rule him out of the equation. I know in reality he is in the equation, however if you imagine he isn't, you will be amazed at what you can currently have more control over..........and yes it does get better!" When I was younger & unhappy, somebody asked me: "What would make you happy? Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be?" This has to be something realistic & doable. Something to work towards in the future. Then start taking steps to achieve the goal. This technique is useful for taking control of your life, rather than being a victim of circumstances. Honestly, with my husband, I lost total control of my life because every moment of my life was defined in reaction to whatever he was doing. And, even in "good times," every moment of my life was controlled by fear . . . fear of when the boom would drop again . . . when, yet again, another of my omissions or commissions would force him into another abusive episode. After 2 years of marriage, or trying to change myself, of trying to do all that he wanted, I finally accepted that I could not change the topography of my marriage. That the 7-10 day cycle of abuse was nothing I could prevent as much as I could prevent the sun from rising or setting. The only hope I had for a calm & tranquil life at home was to get away from him & to find a new home. Things are difficult. But, at least, I do not weep buckets of tears. I am no longer suffering constant panic & anxiety attacts. My hands do not shake almost constantly. I am no longer afraid to leave work & go home. I no longer feel crazy. I no longer waste all my mental & creative energy in life trying to hold myself together body & soul. I no longer feel like a rat caught on a treadmill with HIM randomly increasing or decreasing the speed upon HIS whims. (We are merely play things to be tormented for a pathological.) No contact was the only way I could reclaim my sanity.

#17 Jan 21 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

reneek

this is great advice - thanks

thank you

a woman learning to love again

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