I feel so bad

36 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 19 - 6PM

Tryintoheal

I feel so bad

I posted here a while back when I separated from my Narcissist of 10 years, silly me went no contact for a few months and then I trusted him again; he managed to turn it all around on me and said that it takes two to make or break something. I've suffered so much guilt from this man and he still hasn't stepped up with any more commitment. It was back to seeing me maybe once during the week and then one on the weekend, sometimes not seeing him during the week at all. When he calls, its like small talk and then I can sense he just wants to get off the phone. He has made no effort to see my family and last weekend stormed off down the driveway cursing me on the way out, saying" If I go, that is it, is that it. is that it?". I didnt even answer him, then waited until he left, locked the gate and locked my doors. he then rang from down the road and apologised for his anger and then came back with chinese food. He stayed the night and we hardly spoke and didn't show any affection to one another in bed. This week he went in for major surgery, when he came out he went to a house that he rents with two other guys. I offered for him to come to my place and at least have his dinner cooked during the week when I get home from work and he has the whole place to himself with everything he needs. There is no one at his place to care for him at all, he will even have to fix his own dinner whilst trying to recover. He lives an hour from my place and I work in Human Resources which is also a daily 50 minute drive and 50 minutes back each day. I would then have to drive another 200 km's when I get home to see him. If I don't do this, I will not see him until the weekend when I can drive to his place (where we sit in a bedroom). If he came to my place, he would have been cared for and we would have had time together also. I don't think its wrong for someone who has their own home and lives alone to offer their partner to come and recuperate at their place instead of a bedroom. He wouldn't do it and because I refused to drive there I am now getting the silent treatment. I texted him and said Im done, I feel so guilty for leaving whilst he is recovering but something inside me wouldn't let me go there I have so much resent ment and don't understand why he wouldn't allow me to care for him. Its like I know, If i drive two hours to see him all the time and check on him and put up with his moaning and whinging that once I do all of this and he's better it will be back to no commitment, once a week visit and no normal relationship. I'm 38 and he's 45, I think this is bullshit. Wouldn't most people want to be cared for by someone that loves them?? I just know that after all of this if I jump to what he wants I'm going to resent him even more, I've been enagaged to this guy, Ive lived with him, he's kicked me out and abandoned me at xmas to be with his family that hate me. I've done nothing wrong, this guy has me built up to be the worst person to everyone, so I have no intention of going to a house where he has spun a web of lies about me, just for his sorry ass. I'm so hurt and I feel so guilty but I don't want to do this anymore. How can I ease my guilt about his operation and forget about him, he's no good for me and Ive given him nearly 11 years now. All I get is the silent treatment and it hurts, Im being punished for not doing what he wants, I don't want to contact him anymore, I guess I just need some help with the guilt feelings, I already know his silent game, its has reeled me in many times before. He also wont stand up to his family and they treat him like crap too, his family consists of his father, sister and aunt, no mother. All of them are nowhere to be seen after his surgery, they don't care. he has now told me he will continue to visit them without me and I should just stay at home. I have a great family and need to be involved and accepted by my loved ones family, does anyone feel that I'm way off track, I want him to make things right with mine and have a normal family life again but he's too scared to confront them. I asked him to contact his family and I would meet them and try to resolve it, they weren't interested and that was fine with him. I know I have been cruel this time but I know he doesn't appreciate anything I do, please help me forget this guy once and far all, I have fallen off the wagon and feel so sad.

#2 Mar 23 - 8AM

onwithmylife

It sounds to me

like you need to find yourself a really good therapist who specialized in NPd and get help for yourself, you are way too giving and forgiving and cannot see that this man is treating you like shit and you go along like a puppy dog, self worth issues need to be examine and he may have brainwashed you as well. Please get help before you waste more years, like I did for 15 years!!!!!

#3 Mar 24 - 8PM (Reply to #33)

Tryintoheal

told him where to go

he contacted me, I told him where to go, that I hated him, never want to see him again and to feel comfortable to be with another girl as he won't ever hear a peep from me again. I told him he's not all that, he blows wind up peoples bums making out he's a great guy and I want nothing more to do with him. I also told him that if he ever comes near my residence, I will not open the door but call the police. I'm done!! In the end I was abusive but gosh it felt good. Now onto that therapist to ensure I never attract one of these losers again, thanks everyone, once I stopped crying and realised Ive lost nothing I roared at him like a lion. It felt wonderful!

#4 Mar 24 - 8PM (Reply to #34)

Hunter

TRY

Good Girl, Get to the Shrink, and Move forward. Remember NC. Idealk

#5 Mar 24 - 8PM (Reply to #35)

Tryintoheal

idealk9NYC

I will thats for sure, I will never contact him again, its like a switch went off inside me, now its all about me, cheers and thanks Hugz xxx

#6 Mar 23 - 5AM

agnesmurphy17

Why?

"Wouldn't most people want to be cared for by somebody who loves them?" This is what you wrote. I wonder WHY you love this guy? What does he do to make you love him? Or, is it the parallel to your mother? His setting up another house . . . & you trying to lure him back to you & your house. Feeling maybe you're not good enough, that's why you & him do not live together like you once did; why you two didn't get married although once engaged. Seems that you may have felt that you were not good enough, therefore, your mother chose her boyfriend over you & your brother. And there you were alone with you brother, all he had in the world was you. Same with N sick & alone in that house without anybody to feed him. N is not your brother or your mother. Don't fall into the trap of repeating & trying to solve past dilemmas. He's supposed to be a "helpmeet" and meet you halfway in life. Also, if your gut tells you there is another woman, then trust your gut. Dump this guy. He's not making you happy, reasonably content, feeling safe or secure. better to be alone than to drag a ball & chain around.

#7 Mar 23 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

Tryintoheal

agnesmurphy17

That hurt so much, I understand this is a support group and maybe some of what you are saying is true, but my mother fell in love with another man because my father gave her the covert abuse of silent treatment for years. I guess in the end some of us turn to another person, some of us just leave and some of us stay. I'm confused are you saying my mother left because I didn't feel good enough, that it was my fault that she left. Excuse me if I'm reading the message the wrong way. I'm very confused..

#8 Mar 20 - 4AM

Scoop

What a mess , my heart gose

What a mess , my heart gose out to you > I think what you are going through is a D&D from hell , the D&D can last for years and it can cause so my damage . There would only be two reasons when dealing with a narc on why he dosent want help from the woman he has been with for 11 years and reason one is , a narc will not let anyone help them because the king dosent need help from peasents right , then he minght owe them something and the king dosent owe anyhting to any one , its a defence mechanism to avoid intimacy which he has been displaying for a very long time by the looks of it , for you to look after him sujests he may need you and you may have some controle and that would never do in his twisted veiw . The other reason which also must be looked at as we are dealing with a narc is that he may have someone else to care for him . Even when he is well he only sees you max twice a week and sometimes only once a week , what is he doing the rest of the week ? Seeing that theses guys cant go for long with out supply i would gentely say you may need to look at the situation from a diffrent angle . He uses guilt and fear to controle you , if you went nc for a month or so that will become clear , in fact its all about controle . Can i just add that he is 45 and still living in a shared house with the guys ? .. im sorry but what a looser . Big love Scoop xx

#9 Mar 20 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

Tryintoheal

scoop

Thanks Scoop, you just made me think there possibly is someone else, she would have to be younger to be manipulated by him and put up with him not seeing her on weekends. He may also just pay for it, I have had suspicions he is up to no good for a long time. Yes I thought the same, 45 and living with mates, but then I thought I was being judgmental and mean, but he is a loser with no future. Its his loss really and since leaving him (or sorry him kicking me out when we lived together) I have bought my own property for myself and horses, bought a new car and a horse float. I have also gone up two levels at my work so I guess I really am more mature and he is bringing me down. I have ordered a punching boxing bag to punch my anger out as right now all I want to do is direct it at him. Thank you Scoop, he is a loser and you've confirmed this. So many ladies hurt by men, I'm not the only one and to all these women that have come through this and are getting better, it gives me hope. xxxxxxxxxx

#10 Mar 19 - 11PM

michele115 (not verified)

Trying to heal...

I read your story...I can understand why you are emotionally twisted and I'm sure you know what these individuals are all about... Here's a question... Why the guilt? Why do you feel this urge to kinda push? to help when he's pushing YOU away? This question is not a question of judgment...I'm trying to help you try to get to the root of some of this best I can.

#11 Mar 19 - 11PM (Reply to #16)

Tryintoheal

Michele115

Maybe it is an abandonment wound or I don't want to be seen as a person who doesn't care, I have no idea other than this. I'm so confused, but you are right, he is pushing me away.

#12 Mar 19 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

michele115 (not verified)

What about the abandonment wound?

What is that about?

#13 Mar 19 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

Tryintoheal

Michele115

My mom left when I was 15 for another guy, she set up a house for me and my bro to live in but it hurt. Around the same time, my boyfriend cheated on me and I walked in on it, I ended it and he rode his motorbike through a high fence to guilt me out. I then took him back and left again after 4 years, many more women, etc. I then met a guy who I lived with, I came home and he had taken all the furniture and moved out, I never saw him or spoke to him again. Maybe I feel like no one will stick around. This was hard to write but I need some advice and need to be honest about me.

#14 Mar 19 - 11PM (Reply to #19)

michele115 (not verified)

Tryingtoheal...

I am not a professional counselor, psychotherapist I'm just a victim in recovery...BUT...mom leaving at 15 really did have to have some effect. When we have those issues...it takes a lot of time to sort them out. I have some of those issues also...and I am seeing how those original trauma's were re-created in many aspects. I think there is a lot of truth to how we somehow keep re-playing the same drama over and over with different people. This is an issue that will take time to work out...I can't just say "poof" here's the answer. It takes a lot of soul searching and facing some real hard truths...and then taking some time to work out those issues. I definately think that if you don't have at therapist you might want to find one to explore those issues? Certainly at 15 you still very much needed a mommie. You probably know everything I've just said - so the only thing I can do is say for sure...stick to the board...there is so much support and insight here...it is a family and there are many that may very well be able to help walk you through some of the issues? They won't be solved overnight...but I think a lot has to be said for how some of us landed here? What is good is that you are thinking along these lines...you're not totally oblivious. Sometimes when we aren't aware...we keep running into the wall... You've taken that first step so now the only place you can go is up from here even though it might not be an ascending journey but lots of peaks and valleys for a time until you start connecting. Read up as much as you can...and I'd suggest even keeping a journal...it can be random thoughts...dreams whatever...this will help give you further insight. This board helped me alot. I wish I was better versed in these types of issues, but certainly, as you discover more and comment, someone I guarantee you will chime in and lead you along a path of discovery. I want to add that yes, I'll chime in too but I don't want to open up a whole can of worms at this hour when you should be trying to wind down some...it can't all be hashed out and processed all at once...but start writing...on the board start getting it out...as you do that more will come to mind...the ball will start rolling for you. Hugs!

#15 Mar 23 - 1PM (Reply to #25)

Veronrose

Michele

"I think there is a lot of truth to how we somehow keep re-playing the same drama over and over with different people". I absolutely believe that. In one session with my therapist, we talked solely about my dad (he died when I was 13 - alcohol related cirrhosis). After we "dug deep", she said to me "Veronrose, do you realize that everything that you would've liked to say to your dad is exactly the things that you have been saying to N?" It was quite an eye-opener.

#16 Mar 23 - 2PM (Reply to #26)

michele115 (not verified)

Vernonrose

Yup...mmmmhummm... That's about all I can say...but we each find our way to peace. For me, I think it was the suppression of the issues...I intentionally suppressed everything. I am so much more aware now that I don't think I'll have a repeat? I've learned it's okay to have boundaries, it's okay to feel and it's okay to be a bitch if that's what they want to call me because I decide it's not in my cards to want to please you. I know the distinction between doing it from my heart and doing something to "get" something. Yes, the narc was mommie and daddy all wrapped up to one. And, Im kinda glad I went through this because I had that one major psychotic break I was so afraid of having my whole life and now that I've taken this massive emotional dump....I can exhale and feel free and it feels really good. You'll get there too...

#17 Mar 23 - 3PM (Reply to #27)

Veronrose

Michele

"You'll get there too..." I hope so! I think I can, I think I can!! xo Veronrose

#18 Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #20)

Tryintoheal

Michele115

Thanks a lot for the hugs and your kind wisdom, although my mum left she still tried hard to get us kids with her and my Dad was a nightmare dishing out silent treatment, I actually thought she should leave him even when I was 15. I was sick of Dad not talking and couldn't bring friends over. My Dad is still very critical, is very judgemental and harsh. he doesn't express emotions and expects perfection from myself and my brother. he lives interstate, but the last two times I have seen him in two years he has acted as if he dosn't want to be around me, its always ended up in us fighting. Then he wants to make up but doesn't want to dicuss the issues and just places a band aid on any problems, unless they relate to his partner which I guess effects him directly. I think my Dad is a narc through and through and I think maybe it might be some of the abandonment trauma with Mum leaving but also that I cannot get love from the man I've loved the most, my Dad. I think I might be recreating the dad scenario by choosing more narcs, maybe if I can prove that someone will love me and I can turn it around then this problem will be all fixed, but it won't. I realise this is about self love but don't know how to love myself even though I have an awareness that it most likely is a dad issue. I've never chosen a decent guy that amounts to anything in my life, they are so full of promises that don't even eventuate, just like my Dad. he was even too busy to attend my birth as the FA cup (soccer) was on tv in the UK.

#19 Mar 20 - 4AM (Reply to #23)

Scoop

I think Micelle is right on

I think Micelle is right on not to dewl to much on the past right now , there is plenty of time to do that , in fact i think to start looking too deeply at the past now while you are still very much involved with the narc may just overwhelm you . first things first go NC . Get some time way form the parisite and do some grieveing work over that first .xxx

#20 Mar 20 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

Tryintoheal

Scoop

Thanks for the advice, go easy and one day at a time. I think I have grieved this for months already and Im angry at me for trusting him again and being no further forward than I was 6 months ago. Do you think when I get the anger and humilation out that I may just be further down the road than I think?

#21 Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #21)

michele115 (not verified)

tryingtoheal

It sounds like you got it from both ends. I'm sending you something pvt message check your box...but maybe don't delve into it tonight. Hugs.

#22 Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #22)

Tryintoheal

Michele115

Ok thankyou, I checked my messages but nothing there, I will look out for it as you may not have sent it yet. I appreciate anything that can help me, I'm already in pain, If I could reduce it anyway I'm keen to accept any advice, it sounds like you have a lot of experience and Im so grateful, thankyou for anything you send me. Hugs to you too xxx

#23 Mar 19 - 7PM

Happy1

I'm sorry you've been with

I'm sorry you've been with this man for 11 years. It's hard to let go of that dream isn't it, but is he making you happy? It doesn't sound like it. He has to have control. That's why he didn't go to your place. You only see him once or twice a week because it's again control. I was the same way. I would make all the effort to see my narc. I did all the work. I rearranged my sons schedule constantly with his father and switch weekends around because my narc would arrange his schedule and would never ask or check with me. It was just expected I would do this. It's all about them and that's not going to change. I've not been with my narc since Christmas time and the longer you stay away, the more you see more clearly. It's not easy and I hate a lot of days still. Tonight I'm agitated and don't know why. I just know that for me it's like an addiction of my narc that I'm coming off of. It's hard but if you really truly want to be happy you have to step away and see he's not making you happy.

#24 Mar 23 - 2AM (Reply to #13)

ifinallygotit

Happy1 - schedules

Thanks for this post. My narc only saw me once or twice (if I was lucky) a week and he never checked with me to see what was good for my work schedule even though he was retired at a young age with much more free time. I never really understood any of this until now...think the other days he was out garnering primary supply at the bars or being reclusive and isloate - This is not healthy stuff - amazing how ignorant I was when this all seems so obvious now...the freaky control stuff. I once asked him why he needed all the control in our relationship and said how much more fun it is when 2 people are equal and he laughed...made no comment

#25 Mar 23 - 4AM (Reply to #14)

Tryintoheal

ifinallygotit

Hello, aren't they cruel when they laugh at you, real sad people. Mine used to laugh at me too but if I did this to him, I would have all hell to pay. Mine only saw me once/ twice a week as that was all the sex he required, he was also a workaholic and then spent all his money and holidays with his child. never a holiday together, a xmas or even 6 months without some sort of dishonesty, betrayal or just plain old neglect.

#26 Mar 19 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

Tryintoheal

Happy1

Thanks for your reply, I contacted hi this morning and he told me to fuck off, so I just hung up and won't be calling back, he's broken my heart and everything I am doing to him now he has done to me, its like I have resentment. But isn't it just typical, when he does it, it's fine, when I don't perform the way he wants, I have all hell to pay. Even if I try to bring this up he just gets abusive, it all hurts so much. I will keep posting here and try to break this awful addiction. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thanks

#27 Mar 20 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

Hunter

Try

OMG!! Im going to yell at you. Never allow anyone to speak to you this way "NEVER". Do you see.? you cant continue with someone like this. Its your turn for the silent treatment. Let your silence be your message to him. Fuck Him!!! Idealk

#28 Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Happy1

Tryintoheal

I get where you are right now. My narc has discarded me multiple times and it was all control. He would even call me a child and I need to be punished so I understand. Well, I understand now. I understand how sick the narcs are and there's nothing we can do for them. There's no way they can ever be happy with us. We cannot fill the empty souls that they are. Stay close to the board and post as much as you want. We are all here to support one another in our different stages of recovery. Happy1

#29 Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

Tryintoheal

Happy1

Thanks Happy1, I guess you are right, he needs to do this to feel powerful and get the attention he needs from me. It's so hard not to get so angry and before you know it you're dialling the phone trying to reach some sanity with the separation. They just won't allow it and I guess thats what they need to do to hurt you. I will keep posting and I know I have to get over this once and for all, I so wish I could flip a switch in my head, my thoughts are all over the place.

#30 Mar 19 - 7PM

gettinbetter

Well all I can say here is

Well all I can say here is welcome to Rehab. Let the detox begin. You have plenty of detoxing to do 10 years with one of these people is a very long time and they can do tremendous damage when you have been exposed that long. I like to refer to them as radioactive. As far as not wanting to be cared for, Narcs fear intimacy. He probably feels very vulnerable and is not at all comfortable with that or having you see that. I find they either want to be waited on hand and foot or they want to be left completely alone when they are sick.

#31 Mar 19 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

Tryintoheal

sick of it

Hello, thanks for your post, he did want me to care for him but wanted to make it difficult knowing the responsibilities I have each day. I run a horse stud and I also work 45 hours a week in Human Resources with an hour and a half travel each day. Then wanted to me drive another hour and see him and drive home, I cannot fit this into my life and when he stopped being good to me, I put all these things in place to support myself and give me an outlet away from him. I feel like he didn't want to come here as my parents might show up and he's gutless after all the abandonment he has dished out over he years. But expects me to go to a place where there are people who have never met me and have had wind blown up their ars. It all makes me feel like im worthless and makes me hate him even more. I can't take any more hurt but my heart was still caring enough to ask him to come here. I'm a so called dog for this and he only tells people his side of stories. This is all such a nightmare and it hurts so much.

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