I feel PATHETIC.....

you aren't pathetic you write well about your feelings, you post them so that other people can benefit, and it sounds to me like you are a giving, kind, caring person who deserves to be with other giving, kind, caring people. Why not do something really different one weekend-go to an AA meeting or an Al-Anon meeting and listen to the stories of other peopl? there are some similarities between substance addiction and relationship addiction. you are alone on the weekends and he is alone on the weekends so you do things together. the difference is that he is getting something positive out of it and you are being hurt. think about going with someone else to a restaurant you have wanted to try, get some old movies on mind games like Gaslight and harvey and see the age old tactics to drive women crazy and laugh a little. Soon the life you should be leading will start to come into focus. Buy a book, bookstores are great places to find answers, "Wolves in Sheep's Clothing' by George K.Simon is a good one or the 'Law of Attraction' start planning and researching what kind of man you want in your life and thinking about that. Remember what you think about-you bring about. take a class, get some excercise, plan your weekends to exclude 'sleeping beauty'-little by little you will be free. Do a good deed for someone else-I e-mailed every woman I know and asked them to e-mail every woman they knew to send e-mails to HARPO productions to get Lisa on the Oprah Show. There are a lot of hurting women out there who don't know what we know let's try to help them.

You are not pathetic you are honest, write well about your feelings, and post your comments to help others. It sounds to me like you are terrific, kind, and a good person. now it is time for you to get a terrific, kind, and good person to hang out with instead of 'sleeping beauty'. He is lonely, you are lonely so you spend weekend time together. It sounds ok except that he is getting something positive out of it and you are not. A long time ago I had a dog I loved but no matter what he was a biter. I gave him love, he went to training but finally had to be put down. I suffered over that for years. When people get to your emotional center your heart intelligence really cares for them even though your intellectual intelligence knows there is danger in the relationship. why don't you try to find something really different to do on a weekend like an AA meeting, or a group therapy at Al-Anon. Relationship addiction and substance addiction has some similarities. At least you can hear other peoples stories, shift your focus, and not be so into yours. Try going someplace by yourself. Watch some funny old movies like Gaslight and Harvey and be amazed and laugh at crazy tactics and see the tactics done to you. Invite a friend to a restaurant you've always wanted to go to, reach out to someone else and keep the talk about 'him' to zero. Start moving away a step at a time. Soon you will have a whole new life. Take a class, buy a book, send a letter to Oprah about putting Lisa on her show, volunteer, be nice to someone else. You have a lot to give don't waste it on this jerk. buy the book 'The law of attraction' and start trying to figure out what kind of man you really want. You are starting your journey by posting and your new life, with fun and good people, is just around the corner. By the way I just e-mailed every woman I know and asked them to e-mail every woman they know to e-mail HARPO Productions to recommend Lisa's book and to have her on the oprah show. There are a lot of women out there who have no one and don't know what we know. Let's help them.

Denise, Don't be so hard on yourself. Even though I'm no longer with my ex-psycho he unfortunately makes himself a part of my life even though I never call, email... I stay away from him as best I can or that he allows. You are a good person, your only fault like the rest of us is falling/being in love with a psycho. Is it possible to not go there a few weekends? Maybe take the time to go away on your own? Your note touched me because it relates to something I've long been wrestling with. These guys all seem to work along the same script. They meet you and seem to fall head over heels in love an go through such lengths to win you. Then they slowly break you down and spit you out even go so far as to complain about you? My ex has actually complained to my face about things with me. He'll say things indirectly but I know he's telling me off in his passive aggressive way. He'll complain about how he doesn't have time for email or phone calls, or doing favors for people. Meanwhile I haven't called or emailed since I don't know when, I was hoping it would sink in that I'm done. Then sometimes he'll call out of the blue with a big cheery HI on the phone or I'll get his evil side almost yelling at me "do you know my mom is in the hospital!" I can hear it in his voice, that rage, which honestly scares me. How am I supposed to know anything in his life and why be mad at me because I've decided to move on with mine? I hate myself too because I allow things to continue. I'm not seeing him but wimp out when the phone rings. I know I don't have to answer it but if I don't he comes looking for me. I have told him to leave me alone but he always comes back around. Not sure if your guy would do the same? Currently it's just a sick situation he has gone back to avoiding me like the plague (thankfully) if we run into each other he's overly friendly and complimentary (which I know is bs). He'll one day call again as if everything is fine. We pretend to be friends but all his actions of getting rid of or blocking online accounts, disconnecting cell phone say another whole thing. He actually called to give me a number in case I have an emergency. Then after weeks passed and I never called, he called to see if I had called because someone did and didn't leave a message. Out of curiosity I called the number to find the message saying "You've reached Michelle." His ex wife's name and also the name of his new victim. So I see that as more passive aggressive crap, guess he thought I'd fly into a fit or something. No those days are done. Do you keep a journal? If not you should. You have to ask yourself too if you want to spend your life being unhappy all the time. I know the few moments of happiness I spent with him were not worth all the days/nights of crying, almost losing my business, alienating friends, losing so much of myself. When I think of all the fun or creative things I could have done for all those bad times, I could kick myself. Being alone is scary and can be lonely but it's so much better than ruining your life for a psycho. It's hard to break out of it, I know, it's taken me the better part of a year to get where I am now. I hope you can move on to something better for yourself.

Chin up, whatever2009. :) Please don't beat yourself up. I think we have all been there -- in the valleys. I'm in the very early stages of no contact (1 month) myself. It is HARD. Something that I ask myself on a regular basis is: if everyday looked like today (insert lying, manipulating, being devalued, etc, etc), would I be okay with that? The answer: HELL NO!! I'm no okay with that. Oddly, that gives me just enough strength for the moment. Then, I run straight for this message board. Be strong.

But any tips to help with that would be GREAT! NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT That oughta do it. ~~~~~~~~~ 1. No texting or IMs. 2. No email or snail mail or anonymous packages. 3. No phonecalls or voicemails. 4. No looking at their MySpace page. 5. No looking at their Facebook page, LiveJournal, Twitter or any other place where their digital footprint may be found. And looking is looking. Calling it a “peek” doesn’t make it right. 6. No trying to figure out an “accidental” meeting or bumping into either in real life or on the internet. 7. No trying to get messages or information about you back to your ex by dropping juicy tidbits at the feet of meddling friends or coworkers. 8. REMOVE & BLOCK the ex from your address book, contact list, IM buddy lists etc. Do that right this instant! Stay NC!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/nc-reminders/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

Writing out how you're feeling is GOOD. It will be a roadmap of sorts out of this nightmare. You're not getting your needs met.....they don't matter to him! You are accommodating HIM but he will not lift a finger to accommodate you. Indeed, he's undermining your self esteem to the point where you are confused, baffled and mad! He's criticizing you behind your back and he probably says things to your face too! You are suffering terribly and I'm glad you're coming here to vent! You are involved in a sticky, icky situation. You can stop the madness. You can take steps to regain your self esteem. You can find your voice and you can use it. You have the ability to regain your power and take back the power you have given to him. Once you realize that he's doing all of the things he's doing because he isn't NORMAL....then you will understand that this isn't going to change. You, however, can change. YOU can do something about this. HE can't change. He won't change and even if he sweet talks you today, he'll be horrible to you tomorrow....and THEN you'll see how nothing's changed. I had a routine too. EVERY weekend, I would drive the hour drive to my boyfriends. It started innocently enough. My daughter was living with me and my place is small. So, I would spend the weekends with my boyfriend. At first it was bliss and totally worth the drive. Eventually, though, he took me for granted, would barely greet me when I arrived and started acting like I was invisible. Little by little, he began to complain to his friends that I was costing him too much (he'd take me out to dinner) and that I was messing up his house and that he didn't "have TIME for a girlfriend"! He worked for himself so his hours were extremely flexible. He ended up making me feel like such a BURDEN to him and I didn't know what to do. I would cook him nice meals and cater to his wishes. We always went where HE wanted to go....nevermind what I wanted. My wishes didn't count. I DIDN'T COUNT. I can count on one hand the number of times he came to my house. He had to ask me directions every single time! The whole dynamic of that relationship had started to make me VERY depressed. I am so glad it's over now. I am starting to recover and I know it'll be a long journey. My self esteem was vanishing and I felt helpless and frankly, I felt ugly. I'm not ugly. I'm not stupid. I'm not a burden and I'm not a gold digger. Keep venting Whatever2009....and then read back carefully what you've written. Listen to your anguish and your anger.....they are huge clues to how to change your life. Hugs to you! neveragain

You need to just get away from him. He is a user. You know he is insane, depressed, and doesn't care about you the way you deserve to be treated. I know this sounds harsh, but it is true. You want to be with someone who can give there wholeselves to you. You want to be with someone who doesn't talk negatively about you behind your back. Take your weekends and start doing really nice things for yourself. It will hurt at first, but trust me, it will feel much better in the long run. You will get back in touch with yourself, build your self esteem, and find out who you really are. This is the hard work, but it is the work that needs to be done in order to have healthy loving relationships in the future. No man is worth loosing your self esteem. I don't care how great the 2 out of 10 great qualities are. There are still 8 out of ten negitive traits. Don't beat yourself up. Cry your tears, and let those tears move you into a healthier place. If you don't, you will be crying those same tears a year from now avoiding the same truth. Trust me, I know. I learned the hard way.

Whatever2009 I'm sorry you feel so confused and sad. I mean it sounds like you know the right thing to do and that is no contact - be done with him. I guess its not easy to do that when the good things are so good. I think it was in something Barbara posted that I was reading that was talking about women involved with N say its unlike any other relationship because the good things are wonderful. You are perdfectly in the norm to not want to let that go. But I think u should ask yourself if you want to have a normal relationship or not. Normal men can provide normal relationships. As for those other people he's talking to: the more you react the more they will think hes telling the trtuth. Imagine how much he would flip out if you never came around and never gave 2 shits about what he says about you behind your back. If you can do this he would see confidence in you and discontinue his shenanegans because will not be showing sesativity and vulnerability which are 2 traits that are easy to control. I know its easier said than done. (I need to take this advice as well) He's reacting to something when he talks about u behind your back. He's either jeolous or scared. He doesn't know what to do with these emotions. They don't make sense to him. God bless you and keep posting! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled