I feel like I'm watching us together now

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#1 Jul 21 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

I feel like I'm watching us together now

I wrote Happy1 off the board about this, but I wanted to write here too. I decided the other day that since it's so impossible to avoid him I would try pretending everything is ok until I can move. Just decided I wasn't going to get upset, wasn't going to ask him any questions, wasn't going to complain. I also only respond now when he texts and let him have the last text as well, trying to just concentrate on my own stuff.

Well, he asked to come by last night and I said, okay, but my daughters are home so just for a drink. He agreed, amazingly. Well, I actually talked about a few things in my life, that he had little comment on of course: my new book coming out, a lecture I did last night, plans for the weekend. Then the conversation came around to I don't know , but he ended up saying, "I'm actually very simple, honey, but nobody can figure me out. One of the things I want is to do my work during the week and then have a nice relaxing Sunday dinner at home, not running around all over the place. and there are three other things."

Well, unbelieveably I kept my cool and my deal with myself to not get upset. First of all, don't you love the "Quiz Show" type way that he said this. He may as well have said, "No woman has figured me out yet. I was hoping you would so you would get the prize, but nope! Keep trying!"

Second of all, we HAD that before his foster child came. We had all that stuff: the Sunday dinners at home (my home), talking and supporting through the week about our work, and I'm pretty sure the other three things were things we had or planned together. I'm betting one was a Narc, Jr., which I was going to have for him, but I miscarried after I found out he was cheating and went into hysterics and atttacked him for an hour ( he told me to abort it, anyway).

For Christ's sake, he doesn't even have a table in the new house! They have never cooked in the kitchen, and he's been there six months! We planned to put a dining room in the big front room, but it's empty. There are two stools at his kitchen island: one for him and one for the child. The times we talked about Sunday dinners there, Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families all there!

So he leaves me with this: "well, just a dream I had, honey, but I'm sure I'll forget about it in a few years, just like everything else. Ha. ha."

WTF? So you are going to forget about your dream because it's unattainable? Why? Because I failed at it? Because you decided I didn't fit the picture of it? Are you deciding to give it up because you don't want the dream with me but don't want to give up sex with me? Bottom line answer: helldweller, this dream does not include you.

And what am I supposed to do? Say to myself, "Well, helldweller, you failed and aren't going to have what you want: a husband and home and family together. Better luck in the next life; be happy he's still with you"????????????

Jul 21 - 10PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Thank you everyone!

Yes, moving September 1st! Five whole blocks away! Sickeningly, I'm sure that, for him, I might as well be moving to Alaska. Out of sight, out of mind--for both of us, though. He sent me a text today inviting me to dinner this weekend. yeah, right. I said, "I really have a lot going on right now and can't do it." He said, "It takes two, baby." Miraculously, I didn't respond at all with my typical onslaught of reminders about how he sucked me dry drop by drop for the past two years. Just said, "Right on. Good night. xoxo."
Jul 22 - 12AM (Reply to #18)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

I'm so thrilled for you that you're moving Sept. 1st! We will have a big party for you and count down the days! I'm so happy for you! Happy1
Jul 21 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Yippee helldweller!

So very glad you are finally moving. There is no way you can heal being right next to the monster. Proud of you. I bet it does seem surreal. Stay strong. It's amazing the sh*t they pull to keep you in "the game." Now it's your turn to just step away...
Jul 21 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Crazy-making

Because that's the way Narcs are. He's not worth your time, you're worth more.
Jul 21 - 4PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I truly feel for you

I truly feel for you helldweller. Have you looked at moving? You said you will endure this until you move. Are you making steps to get away? Is it possible? I hope so for your sake and I hope you can make that step. I will help in any way I can. It's not healthy for you and the girls. He's a wrinkly nut job. Please keep posting. Happy1
Jul 21 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Oh dear

You forgot that you were pretending. You fooled yourself, honey. He just sent you an invitation, but you walked right into the pitcher plant to be devoured. By the end of your post you were right back in the thick of it again :( This man is a NARCISSIST. He is a far from the man of your dreams as the homeless schizophrenic in front of the mission. He has no DREAM. Bullshit. That's YOUR dream he has parasitized. He wanted your attention and knew just how to get it. He doesn't even have a table, like you said. He is perverse. He knows how to get you in his bed. He just wants to get off. He uses you to get off. And then sends you home so confused you don't even know that he used you.
Jul 21 - 11AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Get the new place to live

Get the new place to live now. Far far away from him. Stay away from him and his sick manipulative games. Start your new life because you will never have one with him. Were not getting any younger and your wasting precious time, dont forget that....xoxox only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 21 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Got to agree with everyone.

Helldweller, you are not going to get to a place of control or healing if you do not move. This close proximity is very very damaging to you. MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE. Oh yeah...I almost forgot...MOVE.

Nevergoback

Jul 21 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Betty2020

So true! Wouldn't you think this 52-year old wrinkled, single, childless man would get that, too? Bite the bullet and seize the day rather than saying, "Gosh, I hope I forget there were things I wanted in life. Ha. ha." Truly freakish. Thanks!
Jul 21 - 12PM (Reply to #11)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

"52-year old wrinkled,

"52-year old wrinkled, single, childless man" says it all.... Looser only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 21 - 11AM
Amy
Amy's picture

Sounds a lot like mine

And it is painful. Even with that conversation, he was screwing with your head. You didn't fail! On behalf of you, I hate him!
Jul 21 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Amy

LOL! Thank you for that!
Jul 21 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Helldweller

No, what you need to remember is this: "He may as well have said, "No woman has figured me out yet. I was hoping you would so you would get the prize, but nope! Keep trying!" because this proves that no one could succeed in what he's asking for. Trying to love this man is pointless. He realizes it himself and admits it. To try to love him or make him happy is only setting yourself up for failure. Why self-sabotage like that. He, himself, is saying it's impossible for anyone to satisfy him so let him be. Let him go satisfy himself by himself. You don't need him. He only brings you down. You have done nothing wrong and you deserve to be with someone who appreciates your wonderful qualities. This man does nothing but f#ck with your head. Please get away from him! xoxo
Jul 21 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Lisa

Thank you for your response. You are so right. I titled my new thread: "I feel like I'm just watching us now" because I have felt likke that the past few days. I know NC is the way to go for most, but in my truly bizarre situation it just wasn't working. I don't know if it's the proximity or the bizarre foster child thing, or if this guy really has no other women and needs me for that or what, but it wasn't working. My plan to pretend everything is okay seems to be working all right so far. When he wanted to have sex last night, instead of saying, "Honey, I'm so sorry, but the girls are here and I feel bad and I'm scared, but please don't be mad, well, okay but quickly, blah blah blah" I just got up, picked up our cocktail glasses and said, "Oh, N, I'm sorry but that can't happen as I said. Thanks for coming over though. Maybe tomorrow! Can't wait! I hope you sleep well!" and led him to the door. He was pissy and I just kissed him on the forehead and said, "Aww. don't pout. See you tomorrow!" and he wasn't overly mad for once. Didn't write him this morning, but he just texted, "Hi. I love you." and I said, "Good morning! Hope your day is great! xoxo" The response: "Yours too. I love you." Then he went golfing. Should be gone until midnight, so . . . So far, so good. I don't know if suggesting other possible things that work is good or bad for the board, but I just wanted to say that, for those having a really hard time from the N with NC it may be better to let it end "not with a bang but a whimper"--to let the whole thing sort of dissolve without him knowing it's happening, sort of like he did to me: pretending he was still interested when he was plotting his getaway.
Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Helldweller

I agree, I don't know how you do it being in such close proximity with him. I think you should focus on moving so you can get away from him. Until then, keep up the good work! xoxo
Jul 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

it's the proximity. i could

it's the proximity. i could never have made it this far if he lived down the street or round the block, where i had to even see his car every day much less him in person. We may not have the complete luxury of 'out of sight, out of mind' but it does make all the difference. Please get out and stop torturing yourself. When you begin to make a move toward relocating away from him, will be when you have finally committed to being done with this nightmare. It will be another big step in your personal empowerment to have control of your life again. I wish you so much strength.

almostlydia

Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Its true

You do need to get out of there now. But I appreciate you situation, as I worked for the same company with my ex-N freak fiancee for a while, so I had to endure that. I made it easier on myself though. I ordered him not to talk to me or even try. When he broke that command, I complained to both our supervisors. He was reprimanded and officially ordered not to contact me again. It was awesome, indeed, to see his face get all red every time we met face to face, because there was no way for him to even attempt to get supply from me, w/o jeapordizing his job. Another reason why you should try to get away asap. NC = No more supply. It infuriates the bastards.
Jul 21 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

How could anyone love an EGO

How could anyone love an EGO like that! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)