I feel like I want to die today

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#1 May 7 - 4PM

Arwen

I feel like I want to die today

When the sun comes out like this and the flowers and trees are in bloom, the pain is so much worse, the loss of him. I live an hour south of where we spent that great summer together as teens and i am just having the most horrible, depressed day realizing he really, really is gone. He really is probably with someone else, he really told me he wanted to marry me, over and over again, and be a father to my children, etc., etc. and all I can think about is his face and what it felt like to be in his arms, not for 3 months as adults only but the feelings that never left me for thirty years. I am having SUCH trouble believing it's over and it's been almost five months. How can I be so consumed with him still...I know who he is and I hate who he is. And I have so many feelings for him. OMG someone help me. I have to go back and read that post about the predators. I just want to sink into the earth and disappear. How does he not think about me :-( :-( :-(

#2 May 9 - 7AM

Lisa B (not verified)

we were only together 5 months

But it was so intense. He really pulled me in from the get-go. I had no idea until just this weekend when he admitted to being an alcoholic. so combined with being an NC, i feel really screwed over. Didn't realize he was an NC until i read all the lines they use... and there they were. as if they came right out of his mouth. I feel used and abused and angry. Don't know if he'll change his tune after he gets with AA for a few months. Don't know if I'll be able to deal. right now i'm just so tired of all the games.

#3 May 9 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

Arwen

Lisab mine is also alcoholic

Lisab mine is also alcoholic I can say with pretty much certainty - when I spent time with him he would drink eight stiff drinks at the bar within two hours time and no food at all. He did this every night. He also had a Coke addiction earlier in his life which I suspect he still has. I'm so sorry you also went through this. We are all here.

#4 May 8 - 12PM

Scoop

5 months is still early days

5 months is still early days and in the stages of grief you may have slipped into despair and it is a horrible stage which can make you want to curl up in a ball . I remember it and the feelings where nothing i have had in my life before , it is truly terrible . The good news is despair is progress although it dosnt feel like it but it is one more step to healing .. Stay NC , all the feelings you have of "Why " and "How" are normal it is all a proccess and the oldies here can tell you it passes and there is light at the end of the tunnel , keep going xx.. Big hugs to you .. Scoop x

#5 May 9 - 1AM (Reply to #27)

Arwen

Scoop I think you are right

Scoop I think you are right because today for the first time in four or five months I cried my eyes out, deep, wrenching crying and I don't know why it has taken this long but suddenly I am REALLY in touch with how close we were, the things we said to each other, the love, the sex, the horrible treatment of me, the removal of himself from my worlds slowly agonizingly slow like Chinese water torture. I think the shock has literally lasted for five months since I officially left him and all of a sudden the ice is melting. It felt good to finally cry.

#6 May 9 - 4AM (Reply to #28)

jaycee

pg i wish i could cry so hard right now, i need that too

i think a really good cry, a deep wrenching cry would help so much. yes, i cry everyday, but soft sad tears, i wish i could open the flood gates and let it ride. i can feel then deep in my stomach and know that they need to come out. i pray with all my heart i can have that day soon. i need to get over this man, go nc and move on with my life. hes never leaving her, not in the near future and its killing me to know they are out and about daily, my only solace is i have to believe that he will turn on her as well, but hes lost his looks completely and im afraid he will never get anyone else. ever. he might be stuck with her for life. he may never get the chance to cheat on her with several other women, like he did with me, i swear he was here last night, and i looked at him and said to myself, had i met him and he looked like that, i wouldnt have given him two thoughts.....so maybe she is his forever........ouch that hurts to even say.......

Jaycee

#7 May 8 - 10AM

dudette

hey PG

My love it feels horrible so big hugs to you for a start I have had a lot of triggers over the last week so I can relate to how you feel. Also I live in a very touristy sort of town, many restaurants and bars where the people in love take their dates to impress them... So many people in love walking hand in hand are around at the moment, with the weather improving.... I am like you stuck into that marriage of mine, it feels really unfair... I only have patience, resilience and trust in my God for comfort and sometimes it feels like not enough.... But you know as I know that all this is a dream, an illusion, that we have to deprogram ourselves out if it... My best friend is deserting me for this new man of hers... problem is, I have sussed him out.... He is a N no doubt about it....however right now she is in love and in the honeymoon phase. and the honeymoon phase feels great right? Even as I know exactly what is going on there, I feel envious sometimes, of her dates flowers and the attention she gets..... oh PG big big hugs to you.....we have to get our heads to take over our hearts all over again... and still resist the temptation of breaking NC...... Take care honey, it will pass....

#8 May 8 - 10AM

dudette

hey PG

#9 May 8 - 9AM

jaycee

pg this weather eats me alive as well but

pg this weather eats me alive as well but we both, deep down know, what they are.........monsters who will consume everyone and everything in their lives, including their own children. they cannot help what they are, they are cruel subhuman beasts, feeding off the pain of the most wonderful women they were lucky to know......you and i both know this, even if we deny it, and try to make ourselves think they will be happy with someone else, as much as i whine that i know he loves her, my intellect tells me, it cant be true, no one and nothing, not even a monster can change, once they suck blood, they thirst for it forever.....be well my beautiful friend, and do as i am doing today, putting down the shades, closing the curtains and watching tv, so as i cannot see the beauty of the sunshine, as it is way too painful......much love, jaycee

Jaycee

#10 May 9 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

Arwen

Love to you Dudette.

#11 May 8 - 12PM (Reply to #21)

Arwen

Love to you Jaycee...I know

Love to you Jaycee...I know you are feeling my pain and mine yours. If I could just get his words of love and devotion...yes he said to me, "I'm devoted to you"...so many things like that he knew I wanted to hear I guess. how could he say things like that and not mean them? How is any of this possible??? I know it happened...we were in love...but how can I love a monster?

#12 May 8 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

jaycee

pg i feel the same, how can this be possible, how?

i feel your pain my friend, its unbelievable, totally sickening to the core. i know, you were in love, totally and you were the one devoted, they chose not to be devoted, they chose to use and discard at the drop of a hat......so sad, and the worse part, they say everything they know we want to hear, mine told me, he couldnt live without me, life wouldnt be right if i wasnt his wife, for years, i endured such ups and downs, hundreds of affairs, millions of lies, and i continued to make him my priority, make him and our children a priority, and the whole time, i was only an option to him, so sad, so i understand, its natural to feel this devastated, its natural to pine over them, we want the man they pretended to be, and more sickening is that i am finally coming to accept i am no longer his wife, not really, not anymore, he lives two minutes away with his girlfriend, they are now known around town as the gym couple, hes no longer seen as my husband, but her boyfriend, and no one even cares what happened to his wife, she never existed, not to them and their new crowd of friends. i was nothing and am now nothing and hes moved on and left me for dead, so i know you feel the same, and im so sorry for you. please feel better you are so loved, try to have a better day. xoxo

Jaycee

#13 May 8 - 9AM

janine

You will get better PG

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It happens, but then suddenly there are days one feels much better. Yesterday I woke up to a bright day and birds singing. Watching happy couples walking hand in hand I recalled how my ex and I had appeared like that while all had felt phony. What relief there was that I had left him, such freedom. Today I woke up, sun, birds, a family lunch to look forward to and went crash boom bang. Sadness and regret that the respect and affection one needs in a relationship had never been nor would ever be there. That he is too badly damaged and disordered to ever share my joy of life and that he lives in that grey fog. All we can do is to feel the loss and gradually let it go. Your name says it, we need patience. I noticed that you like poetry. Maybe you would enjoy reading Mascha Kaléko, a sensitive Jewish woman who lived in the USA. Her poems have often brought me comfort. Sending you lots of love.

#14 May 8 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

Arwen

Thanks Janine. I will look

Thanks Janine. I will look at that poet. I just feel like I won't live through this.

#15 May 7 - 11PM

neverlookback

Sometimes

I think we almost dream of the life we could have had with them, I find myself almost fantasizing in a way about him and what I WISH he could have been and it really pisses me off that he has this disorder, it infuriates me because I know he did not do this to just me. This is what he is and he has this serious personality disorder and there is not a damn thing I can do to change it. Let me remind you that what you miss and are hurting over is what COULD HAVE BEEN if he had been normal not WHAT he is and I know that hurts like hell. You are going back to your younger days and your youth when you knew him as I often reflect back to mine 25 years ago and even when we were 8 and 10 years old!!!!! Now if that is not someone who should be a soul mate I dont know what is!!!! If they were NORMAL patience I am sure we would have been with them, but I think part of our letting go and moving on is truly accepting what will never be. It would not matter who they are with because who ever they are with you can sure bet it is not a healthy relationship built on trust, or love as we would want to be loved in order to be content. With the little recontact I had it reminded me too painfully what he always will be. Same sick perversion, lies, yuck he is soooo twisted and messed up. What never occurred to me was even though he shares a life with another woman for the past 8 years or so, and even if he did treat her with more respect that he ever did me, he still harbors these sick perverted sexual thoughts and desires and he still is at the core a very disturbed person. I really doubt he just turns those thoughts off and when he think of me he turns into a sicko, he is ALWAYS a sicko and thinks this way. As I highly doubt yours just treated you badly. It also does not help that our marriages are poor, mine was poor before he entered my life and now I even feel more empty knowing I lost something that could have been so wonderful. That is a HUGE HUGE loss to mourn. Try not to dream of what you lost because you didnt lose anything not in reality, it just feels that way. x0x0

#16 May 8 - 1AM (Reply to #17)

Arwen

NLB thank you so much honey i

NLB thank you so much honey i sent you a message back. I think my marriage feeling SOOO horrible is at the crux of a lot of my grief. I just want something that WORKS xoxoxoxo

#17 May 7 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

PG this shall pass

We all feel this way from time to time if we really believed in the love we had. I think it is normal grief. It will take us time to realize that they do not have normal emotions and will not experience a deep loss. As we see them more and more like ghosts, I think it gets easier to not miss being with such a destructive force. For me, the sex and intimacy is the hardest part to let go of. But seeing him grinning like a monkey with his latest catch - the hookerish girl - helps me see just how shallow their emotions run. I think we will all have days like this but they will not last. None of us wants to live in misery and constant stress. The sun and the flowers are good - let nature comfort you - you are a wonderful woman PG. You have more heart than I have seen in a long time - his loss...let the sun back in!

#18 May 8 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

Arwen

Finallygot it thx I am crying

Finallygot it thx I am crying at what you said that I have heart...I wish I felt better about myself more often. Thank you so much

#19 May 7 - 8PM

gettinbetter

Gosh I could have written

Gosh I could have written this post myself. It really is addiction and obsession. It helps me to say to myself just that. Gettinbetter this is just addiction and obession. That's all. It helps that I have been taking my zoloft as directed eventhough per my therapist I am hardly taking enough to do anything but I guess every little bit helps. Are you in therapy? There really is something about having gotten tangled up with them when you were young and then have them reappear so many years later that makes it even worse

#20 May 8 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

Arwen

I am in therapy and have been

I am in therapy and have been for more than twenty years. I have gone twice a week since breakup with ex N. SO fucking devasated obsessed can't handle this separation.

#21 May 8 - 6AM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

How do you feel when you

How do you feel when you leave therapy. Do you feel better or worse? Just curious as I havent been that many times but when I leave I feel so much better but then the next day.... well not so much. It kinda seems like one of those things where it has to get worse before it gets better but I would definitely say overall I am better since I have been going and I do feel as though I am now having little moments of detachment. Sorry you are feeling so bad. It is a horrible horrible addiction

#22 May 7 - 7PM

It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)

I'm sorry!

I cry as I read your words because I feel just as you are right now. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. The best thing I have learned to do is to except my feeling and work through them. As Lisa had mentioned that it's important to feel what we are going through and not try and run from it. It's okay to feel this way but working through it and acknowledging it is the key to getting through the doorway. Just know that as long as you are doing the necessary work to healing, you WILL recover from this. Life is not meant to be so filled with torture like they have put us through. You deserve so much more as do I and the rest of the people on this site. I pray that you find peace today in this moment of weekness.

#23 May 8 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

Arwen

thx so much your post and

thx so much your post and everyone else has helped me and looking at my two little boys and feeling proud to be a mother today. Just wish love would work out one of these days

#24 May 7 - 5PM

cecelia

Lady...

Not only are you puttin all your eggs in one basket, but your putting yourself in there too! You are meant for so much more...Gods tryin to show the beauty you deserve to see around you--your His Precious Princess, don't you know? Yeah it sounds like BS when your hurtin, I know rejection *And yes I did relax my hair once and had it literally melted out! Please know that your hurt is not for nothing, this is your test-for your testimony, your mess=message, you've heard this before, but its the truth--- yeah there are these sick bastards who need to get what they get, but you deserve that spring back in your self--the guys a LIAR If he really was worth losing, he'd be right next to you--instead of being the coward who didn't stick around.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3TPq8ZSvTk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs&feature=related p.s. your not alone, we've all done this please don't beat yourself up what have you done for yourself lately? What could someone say is evidence that you love yourself? Your a precious woman, have you cherished the creation of life you are? YOU ARE LOVED

#25 May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Arwen

Mercies in Disguise...u know

Mercies in Disguise...u know I am Jewish but I could care less what or who we pray to...G-d hears all prayers the same way. xxx

#26 May 7 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

cecelia

for sure :)

I love you ladies as sisters in this crazy life & I am so grateful to be able to get through all this crazy mess of people who are embodied like the sicko Jesse James (the fool who was with Sandra Bullock) May you be blessed today, hugs & miracles for you

#27 May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Arwen

CC I just listened to

CC I just listened to Stronger...what a beautiful uplifting song thank you.

#28 May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Arwen

Cecilia thank you so much. i

Cecilia thank you so much. i just need all the affirmation I can hear today. I will watch the videos thank you love PG

#29 May 7 - 4PM

Arwen

p.s. and it was ALL still my

p.s. and it was ALL still my fault that he left as far as I am concerned with being twenty pound overweight, the chemical relaxer that burned the front 3 inches of my hair off so I was combing my back bangs over the front of my head (LOL that is really funny), a double chin, I was trying too hard with dressing sexy to please him OH MY G-D I just was not ready to see him. I feel he just thought I was not good looking enough even though he told me how beautiful I was. I know him. One bad pic of me taken on his cell phone and that is grounds for leaving. Listen to what I'm saying...OMG...that cannot be the basis of a relationship but I feel I just wasn't at my best form and who can blame him? But I can blame him for being an indicted criminal, a bigot, a chain smoker, an abusive fuck. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#30 May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Steph

This is the guy that robbed

This is the guy that robbed several vehicles. A criminal. He CLEARLY has some SERIOUS issues and he did not leave you because you were unnattractive. He left because he is a psychopath and this is what they do. You deserve SO much better than this. Re read your response to the "anger" thread I posted yesterday. Get angry for what he has done to you. You are not missing out on anything good with him gone. You have been saved. Hang in there:) xoxo

#31 May 8 - 2AM (Reply to #3)

Arwen

Strong thank you for the

Strong thank you for the reminder. Fourteen vehicles to be exact LOL and tow phony checks. But I believe he is on a path to bettering himself and that's what is killing me. Ii wanted him to be locked up and I didn't because of the love I have for him from childhood. These feelings run so deep and are very complex. But you are right - ONLY a socio/psychopath could have done what he did...or, an addict who needed the money. But does it matter? He did what he did to me and to them.

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